Giving more…
… and expecting less works a lot of wonders. It reduces stress, too.
Sometimes we expect the people we love and care about to give back the affections we have showered on them. But not everything can be reciprocated. We get more hurt when we expect to be loved back.
It’s not me being messianic again. It has always been a quid pro quo thing for me.
I just realized that if I don’t expect the phone calls, my phone rings in the middle of the night. Or I am paid the surprise visit I wasn’t hoping for. Text messages come in. So do wake up calls.
They feel good when they happen. Because I wasn’t pining for them to.
Thursday, March 06, 2003
Monday, March 03, 2003
Pagod.com
May 1 – that is my anniversary date in the office. Wow – can’t believe I’ve been here for almost 2 years already!
9 vacation days – the number of vacation leaves I need to consume before May 1. Considering that we have 12 vacation days and I’ve only consumed 3 of them means that I haven’t had a decent break for a year.
Read: I am tired. The weekends are not enough for me to recharge. I’ve been working for 3 consecutive Saturdays already just to launch a site. Top that with all the school paper that I still have to write.
I haven’t seen a lot of my groupies lately and last-minute cancellations have been quite frequent. If I hear another friend advice me on time management, either I will faint or kick him/her in the ass – whichever I am able to do first.
Despite my ranting about my current plight, I’m 100% sure I am still going to go through all my plans and schedules. Damn it, I will beat ALL my deadlines! Even if I have to be ruthless about it.
I take comfort in what Lavque forwarded to me again this morning.
Successful people have 5 things in common:
1. They have a dream.
2. They have a plan.
3. They have specific knowledge or training.
4. They’re willing to work hard. [I will work harder. Whatever it takes.]
5. They don’t take no for an answer.
Number 3, I am still trying to achieve. Thus, my loaded schedule. Someday all of this will pay off.
I am going to get there.
May 1 – that is my anniversary date in the office. Wow – can’t believe I’ve been here for almost 2 years already!
9 vacation days – the number of vacation leaves I need to consume before May 1. Considering that we have 12 vacation days and I’ve only consumed 3 of them means that I haven’t had a decent break for a year.
Read: I am tired. The weekends are not enough for me to recharge. I’ve been working for 3 consecutive Saturdays already just to launch a site. Top that with all the school paper that I still have to write.
I haven’t seen a lot of my groupies lately and last-minute cancellations have been quite frequent. If I hear another friend advice me on time management, either I will faint or kick him/her in the ass – whichever I am able to do first.
Despite my ranting about my current plight, I’m 100% sure I am still going to go through all my plans and schedules. Damn it, I will beat ALL my deadlines! Even if I have to be ruthless about it.
I take comfort in what Lavque forwarded to me again this morning.
Successful people have 5 things in common:
1. They have a dream.
2. They have a plan.
3. They have specific knowledge or training.
4. They’re willing to work hard. [I will work harder. Whatever it takes.]
5. They don’t take no for an answer.
Number 3, I am still trying to achieve. Thus, my loaded schedule. Someday all of this will pay off.
I am going to get there.
Friday, February 28, 2003
Recap
It’s Friday once again. Time is so fast when you have so much to do. It’s so unfair – time is so slow when you’re trying to kill it, and too fast when you’re trying to cease a particular moment and relish it.
This is a rundown of what transpired this whole week:
Falling out
Last Saturday, I had a falling out with The Temptress. I couldn’t take the nagging, the clinginess and the incessant need to explain where I am, what I’m doing, why I didn’t text, blah blah blah.
Friendship is not effortless, but at the same time, friendship is not about imposing and demanding and being there 24/7!
I need space. I need to breathe. I am claustrophobic.
I didn’t want to leave the friendship but it was the next best thing. To be noble, I had to make her feel that she left me, and not the other way around.
I lost a friend.
Oh well.
Now I have to worry about how to return her piles and piles of books, DVDs, mp3 player and laptop.
Trust and faith
I have trust…
… that The Buddy knows he deserves better.
… that he won’t settle for what’s just available and accessible.
… that he is honest with me with how he really feels about a lot of things.
I have faith…
… in our friendship.
… in him.
… that he is who he is, who I have known him to be.
Hypocritical, satirical
I don’t know how I can stand an uptight atmosphere – people pretending that there is nothing wrong with the status quo. We frown on politics. We do not encourage it.
Yeah right.
It’s Friday once again. Time is so fast when you have so much to do. It’s so unfair – time is so slow when you’re trying to kill it, and too fast when you’re trying to cease a particular moment and relish it.
This is a rundown of what transpired this whole week:
Falling out
Last Saturday, I had a falling out with The Temptress. I couldn’t take the nagging, the clinginess and the incessant need to explain where I am, what I’m doing, why I didn’t text, blah blah blah.
Friendship is not effortless, but at the same time, friendship is not about imposing and demanding and being there 24/7!
I need space. I need to breathe. I am claustrophobic.
I didn’t want to leave the friendship but it was the next best thing. To be noble, I had to make her feel that she left me, and not the other way around.
I lost a friend.
Oh well.
Now I have to worry about how to return her piles and piles of books, DVDs, mp3 player and laptop.
Trust and faith
I have trust…
… that The Buddy knows he deserves better.
… that he won’t settle for what’s just available and accessible.
… that he is honest with me with how he really feels about a lot of things.
I have faith…
… in our friendship.
… in him.
… that he is who he is, who I have known him to be.
Hypocritical, satirical
I don’t know how I can stand an uptight atmosphere – people pretending that there is nothing wrong with the status quo. We frown on politics. We do not encourage it.
Yeah right.
Thursday, February 20, 2003
Thanks for the quote, Lavque:
"I have learned to seek my happiness by limiting my desires, rather than in attempting to satisfy them."
- John Stuart Mill
No wonder The Temptress feels bound. I think I am in her shoes right now, though I would never dare admit it to her. But what if you consider everything - your dreams, plans and ambitions as your desires? How would you restrain yourself from getting them?
I woke up sobbing from a bad dream this morning. In my dream, I wanted to become the first woman pilot ever. I was crying because this ambition never materialized for me. I felt the frustration in my bones. I wanted to break free and do what I want to do, live my dreams and make them my reality.
Over a cup of coffee I was contemplating - this dream was a blatant manifestation of what I want to do, and that at this moment, I am bound by a lot of reasons and limitations that prevent me from doing what I want.
It was a validation that indeed, I want to be somewhere else, doing something different. And I feel that I stopped living life because I am trapped with limited choices. Right now all I can do is make the most out of things. And wait.
If this is the way for me to inculcate patience as one of my virtues then I would gladly accept what fate has brought me. I will give it some time if this passivity would work for me. Otherwise, I would risk and give it a go.
Until then, I would have to accept that I am not the first woman pilot.
"I have learned to seek my happiness by limiting my desires, rather than in attempting to satisfy them."
- John Stuart Mill
No wonder The Temptress feels bound. I think I am in her shoes right now, though I would never dare admit it to her. But what if you consider everything - your dreams, plans and ambitions as your desires? How would you restrain yourself from getting them?
I woke up sobbing from a bad dream this morning. In my dream, I wanted to become the first woman pilot ever. I was crying because this ambition never materialized for me. I felt the frustration in my bones. I wanted to break free and do what I want to do, live my dreams and make them my reality.
Over a cup of coffee I was contemplating - this dream was a blatant manifestation of what I want to do, and that at this moment, I am bound by a lot of reasons and limitations that prevent me from doing what I want.
It was a validation that indeed, I want to be somewhere else, doing something different. And I feel that I stopped living life because I am trapped with limited choices. Right now all I can do is make the most out of things. And wait.
If this is the way for me to inculcate patience as one of my virtues then I would gladly accept what fate has brought me. I will give it some time if this passivity would work for me. Otherwise, I would risk and give it a go.
Until then, I would have to accept that I am not the first woman pilot.
Tuesday, February 18, 2003
The sound of a heart breaking
[written by Karen Kunawicz - one of my favorites]
It is the sound of someone curled up in a tiny ball crying softly in the night, the sound of the first unwanted teardrop touching your skin, it's the sound of a telephone that doesn't ring, the sound of regret pounding inside your brain with every heartbeat, it's the whispers of the toy animals he gave you.
It's the shuffling of feet walking away from you, the sound of your soul shattering into a million pieces at recognizing the word "goodbye," it’s the soundtrack of memories torturing you, it's the sound of feeble hands trying to push back the obstinate hands of time, it's the sound of a cherub's dying breath, the sound of all those years disappearing in the vortex of Cupid's kitchen sink, it's the unrelenting plaintive baby meows of an abandoned kitten outside an ignoring door.
It's the sound of the rain that doesn't ever stop, the sound of all the doors shutting and closing in your face at the same time, of raging, howling storms in the night when there's no one there to hold you, the sound of your voice as it screams back at you, the echo of "I love yous" burning holes in you, the sound your heart makes as it tells you to lie still because nothing you will ever do will matter without love.
The sound of the waves of the polluted beach you went to as it moves from the shore and crashes inside your mind, of the sniffles that make up your pathetic "SOS-to-the-world," the cracking of the brittle black-red petals from the sidewalk vendor roses he gave, the sound of the music he used to make going to your gut.
The sound of things in your room being thrown around and landing on the floor, the caress of kitchen knives on skin, the sound your throat makes as you swallow your saltiest tear.
It's the sound of your own voice calling out to someone who isn't there, of dying birds getting splattered on a city pavement, of terms of endearment used a hundred times a day struggling to crawl into a vacuum of forgetfulness, it's the sound of your own sobs keeping you company, it's the cold, uncaring stillness of the air you share your space with.
Destruction isn't always as noisy as bombs exploding. Sometimes the ultimate catastrophes are as quiet as a feather falling on the floor of a Zen monastery. No one else can really hear your heart breaking except you.
[written by Karen Kunawicz - one of my favorites]
It is the sound of someone curled up in a tiny ball crying softly in the night, the sound of the first unwanted teardrop touching your skin, it's the sound of a telephone that doesn't ring, the sound of regret pounding inside your brain with every heartbeat, it's the whispers of the toy animals he gave you.
It's the shuffling of feet walking away from you, the sound of your soul shattering into a million pieces at recognizing the word "goodbye," it’s the soundtrack of memories torturing you, it's the sound of feeble hands trying to push back the obstinate hands of time, it's the sound of a cherub's dying breath, the sound of all those years disappearing in the vortex of Cupid's kitchen sink, it's the unrelenting plaintive baby meows of an abandoned kitten outside an ignoring door.
It's the sound of the rain that doesn't ever stop, the sound of all the doors shutting and closing in your face at the same time, of raging, howling storms in the night when there's no one there to hold you, the sound of your voice as it screams back at you, the echo of "I love yous" burning holes in you, the sound your heart makes as it tells you to lie still because nothing you will ever do will matter without love.
The sound of the waves of the polluted beach you went to as it moves from the shore and crashes inside your mind, of the sniffles that make up your pathetic "SOS-to-the-world," the cracking of the brittle black-red petals from the sidewalk vendor roses he gave, the sound of the music he used to make going to your gut.
The sound of things in your room being thrown around and landing on the floor, the caress of kitchen knives on skin, the sound your throat makes as you swallow your saltiest tear.
It's the sound of your own voice calling out to someone who isn't there, of dying birds getting splattered on a city pavement, of terms of endearment used a hundred times a day struggling to crawl into a vacuum of forgetfulness, it's the sound of your own sobs keeping you company, it's the cold, uncaring stillness of the air you share your space with.
Destruction isn't always as noisy as bombs exploding. Sometimes the ultimate catastrophes are as quiet as a feather falling on the floor of a Zen monastery. No one else can really hear your heart breaking except you.
Monday, February 17, 2003
Drowning out the voices
Sometimes we get so affected by what others think. We always seek other’s validation and approval of things we do.
I got a very wise advice from a girlfriend last Saturday.
To determine your intentions, drown out the voices. Concentrate on your own.
What does it tell you? How do you feel?
If they are good in nature, then you don’t have to be afraid.
Johari’s window
A skeptic friend, on the other hand, referred to the Johari window. That’s why there are other people in our lives – for them to remind us and let us see the things that we don’t and we can’t by ourselves.
One step at a time
Things will unfold – one step at a time. Just wait for the daybreak.
Sometimes we get so affected by what others think. We always seek other’s validation and approval of things we do.
I got a very wise advice from a girlfriend last Saturday.
To determine your intentions, drown out the voices. Concentrate on your own.
What does it tell you? How do you feel?
If they are good in nature, then you don’t have to be afraid.
Johari’s window
A skeptic friend, on the other hand, referred to the Johari window. That’s why there are other people in our lives – for them to remind us and let us see the things that we don’t and we can’t by ourselves.
One step at a time
Things will unfold – one step at a time. Just wait for the daybreak.
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
Culture-bound
We are bound by a lot of things, restrained by a lot of rules, of norms and standards. More importantly, we can be shackled within the chains of our own culture.
This is a reaction to Mica’s recent post about culture. And I have to quote her:
“Now it's almost gone - one crucial thing that brought us in (at least us oldies) into the company...the invisible thread that goes through each of us and holds us together, the one ring to bind us…”
Right now, I don’t exactly now what my stand is about our culture. Though I have to agree with V, it’s not yet THAT endangered, but it’s going there.
In my team, we have yet to feel the threat. I think it has been successfully inculcated that we all have a personal stake in what we do. We are a family responsible for each other; we watch each other’s back.
But it seems like this is not the case for everyone. There is an exodus of people with a plethora of reasons for jumping ship.
Whatever their reasons are, I have my own set of reasons why I am staying. I would like to think that one of them is the dynamism of the culture, of everyone’s capability to shape it.
It can also be one of the reasons that would compel me to leave…
It would pain me terribly to see its demise, with the newbies’ lack of appreciation of the roots, of how we once were.
Until then, I am holding on. I guess what happens next is really up to us.
We are bound by a lot of things, restrained by a lot of rules, of norms and standards. More importantly, we can be shackled within the chains of our own culture.
This is a reaction to Mica’s recent post about culture. And I have to quote her:
“Now it's almost gone - one crucial thing that brought us in (at least us oldies) into the company...the invisible thread that goes through each of us and holds us together, the one ring to bind us…”
Right now, I don’t exactly now what my stand is about our culture. Though I have to agree with V, it’s not yet THAT endangered, but it’s going there.
In my team, we have yet to feel the threat. I think it has been successfully inculcated that we all have a personal stake in what we do. We are a family responsible for each other; we watch each other’s back.
But it seems like this is not the case for everyone. There is an exodus of people with a plethora of reasons for jumping ship.
Whatever their reasons are, I have my own set of reasons why I am staying. I would like to think that one of them is the dynamism of the culture, of everyone’s capability to shape it.
It can also be one of the reasons that would compel me to leave…
It would pain me terribly to see its demise, with the newbies’ lack of appreciation of the roots, of how we once were.
Until then, I am holding on. I guess what happens next is really up to us.
Tuesday, February 11, 2003
Shopaholic
Three pairs of shoes, five tops, 2 pairs of dress pants, 1 new designer bag.
All in a span of 2 weeks.
This is by far my most obnoxious shopping spree. It was a spur of the moment thing, and it was obnoxious in the sense that the purchases were unplanned.
Seems like this shopping spree is a compensation of some sort – to fill up this hollow space, this void left by someone I choose to ignore for the past few days, weeks even.
Perhaps I should stop ignoring?
Nah. I have plenty of space in my closet and shoe rack.
Three pairs of shoes, five tops, 2 pairs of dress pants, 1 new designer bag.
All in a span of 2 weeks.
This is by far my most obnoxious shopping spree. It was a spur of the moment thing, and it was obnoxious in the sense that the purchases were unplanned.
Seems like this shopping spree is a compensation of some sort – to fill up this hollow space, this void left by someone I choose to ignore for the past few days, weeks even.
Perhaps I should stop ignoring?
Nah. I have plenty of space in my closet and shoe rack.
Thursday, February 06, 2003
Cruel intentions
I feel violated, being informed that someone is sowing intrigue and malice. I just don’t get it – how can people be so full of malicious intent when they can opt to be good and nice?
Something must have been fucked up somewhere in their childhood. Whatever happened to them, I couldn’t care less.
A warning though: Nobody touches my team.
Clairvoyance
I felt it in my bones. I smelled the waft of malevolence from afar. I should have heeded the signs. I should have known.
Of course, Goody Me insisted that people deserve to be given the so-called benefit of the doubt.
How come I’m never wrong when I sense that something is messed up in a person?
I’ve always known and sensed a scheming, lying bitch. I shouldn’t have been Miss Congeniality.
I feel violated, being informed that someone is sowing intrigue and malice. I just don’t get it – how can people be so full of malicious intent when they can opt to be good and nice?
Something must have been fucked up somewhere in their childhood. Whatever happened to them, I couldn’t care less.
A warning though: Nobody touches my team.
Clairvoyance
I felt it in my bones. I smelled the waft of malevolence from afar. I should have heeded the signs. I should have known.
Of course, Goody Me insisted that people deserve to be given the so-called benefit of the doubt.
How come I’m never wrong when I sense that something is messed up in a person?
I’ve always known and sensed a scheming, lying bitch. I shouldn’t have been Miss Congeniality.
Tuesday, February 04, 2003
Tuesdays with myself
This is turning out to be a loooong week. It’s only Tuesday and I feel very spent already, what with the running around, going to the salon 4 times to get my hair fixed [my stylist for 5 years ruined my long tresses!], stressing over my long list of to-dos in the office and feeling bad that I haven’t done anything for school!
Wow – that was such a stressful sentence. Whew.
What’s new? It’s pretty much the same since I decided to lay low for a while. I still fuss over a lot of things beyond my control, but realizing that I shouldn’t be doing that very often is a good start.
Here’s a recap of things that I’ve learned and re-learned:
1. Quit while you’re ahead. This is so true and so real for me. It’s always good to be able to know when to stop doing something or trying to get something. If you’re already ahead of the race and you know you have a good edge, then you can leave things at that.
2. Choose the battles you want to fight in and make sure you win them. I think I am gifted with the power to discern this – thank God! This goes without saying, never go to war or wage a war unprepared.
3. People who have the most number of criticisms to dish out are usually those with the most number of insecurities in their lives. That’s why they try to take it out on others.
4. Communication is irreversible. Be reminded of this when you want to lash out at someone. Whatever hurting words you say, you can never take them back.
5. Thou shall not make enemies with thyself. No matter how pissed off you are at others, whenever you want to shut everybody out, you should always be at peace with yourself. The sleepless nights I spent for more than 2 weeks were caused by that internal struggle – of trying to do what I think is right.
What do you know -- it's really true. You learn something new - and something old - everyday.
My list can go as long as 15. But my migraine is forcing me to stop, go to my gym and hit the sauna!
This is turning out to be a loooong week. It’s only Tuesday and I feel very spent already, what with the running around, going to the salon 4 times to get my hair fixed [my stylist for 5 years ruined my long tresses!], stressing over my long list of to-dos in the office and feeling bad that I haven’t done anything for school!
Wow – that was such a stressful sentence. Whew.
What’s new? It’s pretty much the same since I decided to lay low for a while. I still fuss over a lot of things beyond my control, but realizing that I shouldn’t be doing that very often is a good start.
Here’s a recap of things that I’ve learned and re-learned:
1. Quit while you’re ahead. This is so true and so real for me. It’s always good to be able to know when to stop doing something or trying to get something. If you’re already ahead of the race and you know you have a good edge, then you can leave things at that.
2. Choose the battles you want to fight in and make sure you win them. I think I am gifted with the power to discern this – thank God! This goes without saying, never go to war or wage a war unprepared.
3. People who have the most number of criticisms to dish out are usually those with the most number of insecurities in their lives. That’s why they try to take it out on others.
4. Communication is irreversible. Be reminded of this when you want to lash out at someone. Whatever hurting words you say, you can never take them back.
5. Thou shall not make enemies with thyself. No matter how pissed off you are at others, whenever you want to shut everybody out, you should always be at peace with yourself. The sleepless nights I spent for more than 2 weeks were caused by that internal struggle – of trying to do what I think is right.
What do you know -- it's really true. You learn something new - and something old - everyday.
My list can go as long as 15. But my migraine is forcing me to stop, go to my gym and hit the sauna!
Monday, February 03, 2003
My world and beyond
Columbia's demise is a very sad news on a Monday morning. I am one with the world mourning the death of its crew.
Touchdown
With my feet back on the ground, I welcome this new week with a fresh perspective. Yes, I have landed back safely, contrary to Jovan's doomsday predictions.
New year, new ballgame
Kung hse fat chai! I got a new haircut, new pairs of shoes, new clothes. And a new beginning!
Everything that is happening to me right now either points to my direction as planned with The One or veers away from it. Fate is subjecting me to all the crossroads I can possibly encounter. I do have a choice in everything - but that's exactly the point - it is already compelling me to make a choice. NOW.
So let the game begin.
Columbia's demise is a very sad news on a Monday morning. I am one with the world mourning the death of its crew.
Touchdown
With my feet back on the ground, I welcome this new week with a fresh perspective. Yes, I have landed back safely, contrary to Jovan's doomsday predictions.
New year, new ballgame
Kung hse fat chai! I got a new haircut, new pairs of shoes, new clothes. And a new beginning!
Everything that is happening to me right now either points to my direction as planned with The One or veers away from it. Fate is subjecting me to all the crossroads I can possibly encounter. I do have a choice in everything - but that's exactly the point - it is already compelling me to make a choice. NOW.
So let the game begin.
Thursday, January 30, 2003
Tuesday, January 28, 2003
Comfortable
On our way back to Manila from Tagaytay, Jovan made me listen to a John Mayer song that totally depressed me. It may sound masochistic but I love listening to it over and over again.
I just remembered, that time at the market
snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
And rode down, isle 5
you looked behind you to smile back at me
crashed into a rack full of magazines
they asked us if we could leave.
Can't remember, what went wrong last September
though i'm sure that you'd remind me, if you had to
Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
I sleep with this new girl i'm still getting used to
my friends all approve, say she's gonna be good for you
they throw me, high fives
She says the bible is all that she reads
and prefers that I not use profanity
your mouth was, so dirty
Life of the party
and she swears that she's artsy
but you could distinguish
Miles from Coltrane
Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
she's perfect, so flawless
or so they say, say
She thinks I can't see the smile that she's fakin'
and poses for pictures that are being taken
I loved you
grey sweat pants, no makeup, so perfect
Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
she's perfect, so flawless
I'm not impressed, I want you back.
On our way back to Manila from Tagaytay, Jovan made me listen to a John Mayer song that totally depressed me. It may sound masochistic but I love listening to it over and over again.
I just remembered, that time at the market
snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
And rode down, isle 5
you looked behind you to smile back at me
crashed into a rack full of magazines
they asked us if we could leave.
Can't remember, what went wrong last September
though i'm sure that you'd remind me, if you had to
Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
I sleep with this new girl i'm still getting used to
my friends all approve, say she's gonna be good for you
they throw me, high fives
She says the bible is all that she reads
and prefers that I not use profanity
your mouth was, so dirty
Life of the party
and she swears that she's artsy
but you could distinguish
Miles from Coltrane
Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
she's perfect, so flawless
or so they say, say
She thinks I can't see the smile that she's fakin'
and poses for pictures that are being taken
I loved you
grey sweat pants, no makeup, so perfect
Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
she's perfect, so flawless
I'm not impressed, I want you back.
Culture shock
I miss the days when…
1. I could go out and drink with 5 guy friends and no one would raise their eyebrows as to why I am the lone girl in a company of men who want to get drunk.
2. I could drive around the metropolis with Jovan – just the two of us –and no one would think we’re an item.
3. I could go to Jovan’s house, stay in his bedroom, play audio CDs while combing Zagu’s hair and let the other guys know about it without batting an eyelash.
4. I could smoke in the stairwell with Dan, Gerry and ‘Dipper guys with other officemates passing by just ignoring you.
5. When I could bump into Chief Carlo in Rockwell with Bobby and tell him we’re watching a movie without the fear that the Chief is thinking we’re on a date.
6. When I could go to Greenhills with Dan and Emer and feel that you’re one of the boys.
7. Girl officemates would see me with Bobby having dinner – just about everywhere – and not get snide remarks because of it.
8. People in the office shrugged off the thought that you’re comfortable with guy friends’ company and prefer them, too. It’s normal for some.
9. When guy friends know and understand that affection for them is not equal to lust.
10. When you can be affectionate with guy friends without them thinking that you want to sleep with them.
11. When people know that you can be JUST friends with men and it won’t go beyond it.
Perhaps I just miss the guys , that’s why I’m blogging this. At the same time, I feel so repressed when all of a sudden it’s such a capital sin to hang out with men friends. Much as I would rant about it – as they say – when in Rome, do as the Romans do.
Too bad I’m too Greek.
I miss the days when…
1. I could go out and drink with 5 guy friends and no one would raise their eyebrows as to why I am the lone girl in a company of men who want to get drunk.
2. I could drive around the metropolis with Jovan – just the two of us –and no one would think we’re an item.
3. I could go to Jovan’s house, stay in his bedroom, play audio CDs while combing Zagu’s hair and let the other guys know about it without batting an eyelash.
4. I could smoke in the stairwell with Dan, Gerry and ‘Dipper guys with other officemates passing by just ignoring you.
5. When I could bump into Chief Carlo in Rockwell with Bobby and tell him we’re watching a movie without the fear that the Chief is thinking we’re on a date.
6. When I could go to Greenhills with Dan and Emer and feel that you’re one of the boys.
7. Girl officemates would see me with Bobby having dinner – just about everywhere – and not get snide remarks because of it.
8. People in the office shrugged off the thought that you’re comfortable with guy friends’ company and prefer them, too. It’s normal for some.
9. When guy friends know and understand that affection for them is not equal to lust.
10. When you can be affectionate with guy friends without them thinking that you want to sleep with them.
11. When people know that you can be JUST friends with men and it won’t go beyond it.
Perhaps I just miss the guys , that’s why I’m blogging this. At the same time, I feel so repressed when all of a sudden it’s such a capital sin to hang out with men friends. Much as I would rant about it – as they say – when in Rome, do as the Romans do.
Too bad I’m too Greek.
Monday, January 27, 2003
Thursday, January 23, 2003
Mixed nuts
1. Sometimes it takes a lot to feel good. A feel-good act can cause you to feel bad afterwards for indulging.
2. A lot of people misconstrue lust as love. First, they feel a powerful sexual chemistry for someone. Next, they act on the urge and sleep with the person. Then they experience having a guilt-trip. To make matters worse, they create a relationship with the person despite the absence of emotional connection in order to legitimize the lust.
3. I don't misconstrue lust for love, but I get swooned over by infatuation. I make it worse by acknowledging it's just infatuation but still act on it by going after the person. Stupid. I know.
4. It is possible to experience true love with more than one person. There are many potential partners you could be happy with.
5. It is quite dangerous to think that there is only one true love in the world who is right for you.
ATBP
Sometimes, to make things right, all it takes is a wake-up phone call at six o'clock in the morning from that person.
1. Sometimes it takes a lot to feel good. A feel-good act can cause you to feel bad afterwards for indulging.
2. A lot of people misconstrue lust as love. First, they feel a powerful sexual chemistry for someone. Next, they act on the urge and sleep with the person. Then they experience having a guilt-trip. To make matters worse, they create a relationship with the person despite the absence of emotional connection in order to legitimize the lust.
3. I don't misconstrue lust for love, but I get swooned over by infatuation. I make it worse by acknowledging it's just infatuation but still act on it by going after the person. Stupid. I know.
4. It is possible to experience true love with more than one person. There are many potential partners you could be happy with.
5. It is quite dangerous to think that there is only one true love in the world who is right for you.
ATBP
Sometimes, to make things right, all it takes is a wake-up phone call at six o'clock in the morning from that person.
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
Jovanism
Jovan's take on boy-girl buddies and lusting over a friend:
"Sabihin mo sa kanya tinry kitang pagpantasyahan kaso ayaw talaga tumayo eh."
Jovan's take on boy-girl buddies and lusting over a friend:
"Sabihin mo sa kanya tinry kitang pagpantasyahan kaso ayaw talaga tumayo eh."
Wednesday, January 15, 2003
Preyssure, preyssure!
Last Saturday, Jovan, Emer, Romy and I went to EJ’s wedding.
Clad in formal outfits, we looked like teenyboppers going to a prom night.
We were late – since Jovan had to occasionally stop over in gasoline stations or shoulders to wait for Romy who was still being OC about his new car. Thus, the turtle-paced voyage to Tagaytay.
Nevertheless, we were just in time to hear Carlo and EJ’s exchange of vows.
During the “I dos,” I hurriedly attached my headset to my mobile to call The Boyfriend and tell him what was happening.
I was overwhelmed for both the newly-weds.
With Jovan sitting beside me, we were in awe of what’s happening, with the realization sinking in that we are definitely in the marrying age already.
We were so giddy discussing wedding details as Jovan and I both agreed that our relatives would definitely ruin the occasion for us, with rifts and clan issues. We were animatedly bantering about nice wedding themes, songs and colors.
At the end of it all, however, we both agreed that it hasn’t totally sunk in. The bottomline: WE ARE NOT READY.
I fended off engagement proposals more than three times last year. The thought of engagement and proposal makes me feel claustrophobic. Whenever I am asked when the big thing is for me, I feel a ton of steel pounding on my chest. Not to mention that manic upheaval I felt when I read Emer’s recent blog entry!
The truth is, it’s not a big thing for me. Well, I don’t feel it is. Not just yet.
I was never the little girl who would fantasize walking along the aisle, wearing a white gown and a veil, with a Ken waiting for me at the altar.
Baj was saying that I don’t have “bride genes.” That’s the first time I heard of such a thing.
This year, I will be attending more than 3 weddings of friends. I bet I would encounter the “when” question again.
Tick-tock-tick-tock, says Emer. Time is running out for me. I know The Boyfriend would pop the question anytime soon. I don’t think I could hold it off any longer.
If I have to say no, I would. I think if I want to get married already I would know when, I would feel it.
I am waiting for that feeling.
I am sure it will come to me, but right now I am too preoccupied in thinking of how I would rule the world – and the universe, eventually.
Or maybe, just maybe, when he pops the question, that overwhelming feeling will come to me, swoon me over and make me say YES.
Oh well – I’d rather plan on taking over the world tonight than dwell too much on that again.
Last Saturday, Jovan, Emer, Romy and I went to EJ’s wedding.
Clad in formal outfits, we looked like teenyboppers going to a prom night.
We were late – since Jovan had to occasionally stop over in gasoline stations or shoulders to wait for Romy who was still being OC about his new car. Thus, the turtle-paced voyage to Tagaytay.
Nevertheless, we were just in time to hear Carlo and EJ’s exchange of vows.
During the “I dos,” I hurriedly attached my headset to my mobile to call The Boyfriend and tell him what was happening.
I was overwhelmed for both the newly-weds.
With Jovan sitting beside me, we were in awe of what’s happening, with the realization sinking in that we are definitely in the marrying age already.
We were so giddy discussing wedding details as Jovan and I both agreed that our relatives would definitely ruin the occasion for us, with rifts and clan issues. We were animatedly bantering about nice wedding themes, songs and colors.
At the end of it all, however, we both agreed that it hasn’t totally sunk in. The bottomline: WE ARE NOT READY.
I fended off engagement proposals more than three times last year. The thought of engagement and proposal makes me feel claustrophobic. Whenever I am asked when the big thing is for me, I feel a ton of steel pounding on my chest. Not to mention that manic upheaval I felt when I read Emer’s recent blog entry!
The truth is, it’s not a big thing for me. Well, I don’t feel it is. Not just yet.
I was never the little girl who would fantasize walking along the aisle, wearing a white gown and a veil, with a Ken waiting for me at the altar.
Baj was saying that I don’t have “bride genes.” That’s the first time I heard of such a thing.
This year, I will be attending more than 3 weddings of friends. I bet I would encounter the “when” question again.
Tick-tock-tick-tock, says Emer. Time is running out for me. I know The Boyfriend would pop the question anytime soon. I don’t think I could hold it off any longer.
If I have to say no, I would. I think if I want to get married already I would know when, I would feel it.
I am waiting for that feeling.
I am sure it will come to me, but right now I am too preoccupied in thinking of how I would rule the world – and the universe, eventually.
Or maybe, just maybe, when he pops the question, that overwhelming feeling will come to me, swoon me over and make me say YES.
Oh well – I’d rather plan on taking over the world tonight than dwell too much on that again.
Friday, January 10, 2003
Men and women friends
My best friend is a guy. [Gasp!]
Despite my penchant for lambasting men [disclaimer: not the entire male species], I have been friends with him for more than a decade now. We saw each other through the emotional roller coasters of life.
Most of the friends I hang out with are a mix breed of men and women. But more often than not, I hit it off with the guys.
I have a theory why I get along well with male friends.
[No offense to very good female friends.]
Women were brought up in a culture that condones double standards. The same culture reinforces the miseducation of women. In the early stages of life, women were educated and trained to compete with each other. The goal was to marry well, bear children and have a good happy family life.
Now that women have pervaded almost all kinds of profession, they are still programmed to be that way – to compete with each other. For success? No. For men. To get the best man they could ever find for themselves.
The recent psychological book that The Temptress lent me expressed glibly what I was thinking the whole time: Women tend to measure who they are and their rate of success based on the partner they have chosen to be with.
Most feminists would disagree with it, but a lot of women have this tendency to gauge their self-esteem based on who their chosen partner is. The male partner is considered the reflection of the woman’s prowess to get an ideal mate.
Such is the same reason why some women friends tend to get jealous of each other, as they are pre-programmed to compete with each other for a man’s attention.
Do men always have to be the bottomline?
This is perhaps one of the reasons why I had a guy bestfriend.
If I would have an iota of girl-envy in my body, it would be around 10%. I couldn’t say I am rid of it. It would be a lie. But most women would have more than 70%.
I guess the reason for this minimal girl-envy would be my demented perception of women, not as competitors, but as prospects as well.
Hehehe.
Enough said.
My best friend is a guy. [Gasp!]
Despite my penchant for lambasting men [disclaimer: not the entire male species], I have been friends with him for more than a decade now. We saw each other through the emotional roller coasters of life.
Most of the friends I hang out with are a mix breed of men and women. But more often than not, I hit it off with the guys.
I have a theory why I get along well with male friends.
[No offense to very good female friends.]
Women were brought up in a culture that condones double standards. The same culture reinforces the miseducation of women. In the early stages of life, women were educated and trained to compete with each other. The goal was to marry well, bear children and have a good happy family life.
Now that women have pervaded almost all kinds of profession, they are still programmed to be that way – to compete with each other. For success? No. For men. To get the best man they could ever find for themselves.
The recent psychological book that The Temptress lent me expressed glibly what I was thinking the whole time: Women tend to measure who they are and their rate of success based on the partner they have chosen to be with.
Most feminists would disagree with it, but a lot of women have this tendency to gauge their self-esteem based on who their chosen partner is. The male partner is considered the reflection of the woman’s prowess to get an ideal mate.
Such is the same reason why some women friends tend to get jealous of each other, as they are pre-programmed to compete with each other for a man’s attention.
Do men always have to be the bottomline?
This is perhaps one of the reasons why I had a guy bestfriend.
If I would have an iota of girl-envy in my body, it would be around 10%. I couldn’t say I am rid of it. It would be a lie. But most women would have more than 70%.
I guess the reason for this minimal girl-envy would be my demented perception of women, not as competitors, but as prospects as well.
Hehehe.
Enough said.
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