Engagement brouhaha

Jovan, pare! Congratulations for now being officially engaged to The Girlfriend. I'm so happy for you, man.

Actually, a lot of friends have been asking me when The Boyfriend and I are planning to get engaged. I guess after last year's trauma of me freaking out on the idea and scheming to fend it off, he hasn't mustered enough courage to ask again - hahaha!

But seriously, The Boyfriend is the ultimate husband material. It's just that for now, I want to enjoy his company as it is, without the pressure of being engaged. I can be happy for my friends getting engaged, yes. But mine is a bit far off for now.

There is this ONE major issue that I have to contend with before making that big leap. After getting through and getting over THAT, perhaps I can already have that peace of mind and certainty that I am ready.

As to how I will confront that ghost, I'm really not sure how or if I will ever have the chance to. That's actually the worst part of it - not really knowing for sure how it will have that much needed closure.

I wrote this a few weeks ago, but I wasn't able to post it because of my erratic sched. Though I don't feel as intensely as when I wrote it, I still want to post it - as a memory of how I once felt for a good friend.

Colorblind

We have been talking incessantly for a week now. Well, we never lost touch, anyway. There’s always the phone – most of the time through chatting and text messages.

Last week, we had the chance to really talk and I confirmed something that has been there between us for a long time now.

Yes, he has been thinking and feeling the same things that sometimes kept me up at night and left me wondering.

Yes, we are friends, for real. But if we want to, we could cross the line.

What he said struck me: Consider it without finalizing.

And that left me wondering once again.

I call him my logical half. But he claims he is my best instinct half.

He keeps my balance. He helps me find reasons to my emotions. I make him feel the emotions to situations he tends to rationalize.

He makes me laugh. I trust him with key decisions in my life. He trusts me with how he feels, what’s on his mind – things that he wouldn’t normally tell just about anyone.

If I considered the possibility, if I considered him – I already did.

Sadly, I had to consider and finalize.

He is a friend and I love him. 80% of the time, I love him as a true friend, a brother. The other 20% is that high feeling when I see him, that sleepless night I spent trying to find out why holding his hand felt weird, good, comforting and uncomfortable all at the same time, that hollow feeling I have in the pit of my gut and in my chest when I don’t talk to him, that sadness I felt when he left.

But considering shouldn’t be an option for me. The next best thing is to put a closure – that final lid – to the remaining 20%.

I guess we are both right – no matter how we consider the possibility, regardless of the claim that life might just surprise both of us on what could happen, what could be – right now it doesn’t matter.

We will never know.

Too small a world

Friendster has just made me realize that the world is just too damn small!

When I opened my Friendster this morning, I had a message from a long lost friend from high school. We haven’t been in touch for more than a decade now, only to find each other at Friendster!

I looked at our network and I wasn’t surprised that he was also connected to my other guy friends here in Manila, but I was shocked to see that he was in The Buddy’s list and in a friend’s husband’s list who is in Georgia.

I texted The Buddy to ask him about it. Since Sunday, we’ve been very surprised with how small our circle is. One of my ABS friends is an ex-girlfriend of his pal in Frisco, and now this high school friend of mine turns out to be a college buddy!

Some of my friends don’t know each other. In fact, they are so far off since some are here in Manila, others in the US. Nevertheless, there is always a networking of friends.

When I was in Thailand, a girlfriend who tagged along told me that it’s never safe to have a one night stand in Manila since everyone knows everyone. If she wants to have one, she said she’d have it in another country.

Heeh - I guess even that isn’t safe anymore, huh?

When Monday is not a drag

This is one Monday that I’m more diligent and excited than usual – that’s why I have to blog about it.

For almost 2 months now, I’ve been dragging myself to work. It’s not that I don’t like my job right now. In fact, I like it and there’s an 80% chance that I will fall in love with it given a few more weeks. The downside of it is waking up at 6am to make it to Ortigas at 8! I’m not a morning person. When I was working in Makati, my call time was 10am and I used to get up at 8.

Add to that the adjustment period I had to go through. Retail is definitely a different animal from a dotcom. My current CEO is the antithesis of my former CEO. What’s more, I report directly to him.

In my early weeks here, I had some difficulty reading him. I couldn’t get it if he was serious, if he was sarcastic or if he was trying to be funny. Because of that, I spent sleepless nights thinking of how I will present my concepts to him to win his approval. I was (and still am) working very hard to prove myself – that I deserve the position, that I deserve my title.

Today, I managed to write off 9 out of 10 tasks in my to-do lists by 2:30 pm. I am now working on finishing the last one. I’ve been very hyper since this morning and the people around me tended to conspire to give me that high feeling – the area operations managers being more helpful than usual, suppliers and clients easier to coordinate with.

Top all of that with a pat on the back from the CEO, with a remark that we’re about to roll out our big project because I managed to finish an important part of it. He also approved my manpower requests.

Ever since I started schooling, Mondays tended to disagree with me. So this is one Monday I will never forget. I’m just hoping this will go on for the rest of the week.

CEOs galore

Last Wednesday, I made my ingress again for another kiosk branch in Megamall. Hell, it was tiring! But the CEO treated me and the area manager for lunch at Cabalen, which kinda made it up.

We had the chance to somehow “bond” and clarify personal and professional expectations while smoking in the Mega parking lot (Yes, I cheated my quitting program).

This actually made me feel comfortable in my subsequent meetings with him. My discussions with him are usually one-on-one since I report directly to him and it was very uneasy especially when I had to stand my ground on certain issues. It was reassuring and a relief to find out, straight from the horses’ mouth, that he encourages deliberation.

Last night, my former CEO treated me for dinner, along with other former officemates. We were at Good Earth Tea Room, discussing my former company’s future and developments. It was good to know that there are improvements on that side of the planet.

What was more fun was that we went “person-bashing -” which is the next topic of this blog.

Vindicated

Our conversation last night digressed from work to the more personal and “meatier” stuff. We talked about the people in my former office. My former CEO is also a friend of mine – I don’t treat him as my CEO anymore when we go out, which made things more comfortable.

At one point in the tete-a-tete, I had to admit that I had a minor spat with a girl officemate who was running after The Buddy. She was your usual scheming-lying-bitch who wanted to go between me and The Buddy and who made snide remarks behind my back.

When we were still in the office, she was eyeing 2 employees, trying to win them with her pa-cutesy damsel-in-distress ploy. Puh-leeeeez. *eyes rolling*

I kept quiet about her schemes. Never even mentioned it to The Buddy. I gave him credit by trusting that he won’t bite.

Apparently, this did not escape my former CEO. He saw through her. So did our other officemates. We had the best laugh at her expense last night – with a mix of getting annoyed by her tactics, getting angry and at the same time feeling sorry for her.

I kept quiet all this time about it. Only the closest friends knew what really happened. But now, I heaved a sigh of relief. It wasn’t just me and my preconceived notions. I wasn’t just me being bitchina. It was really her and as former CEO put it – her personality disorder.

I am vindicated. TOTALLY!

26 feeling 20

Today, I am turning 26 years old.

When I was 19, I got depressed on the eve of my 20th birthday because I felt so old. Yikes!

No, I did not have that thing they called quarterlife crisis and I hope I am not speaking too soon. I still believe we experience all kinds of crises everyday so quarterlife crisis is such a misnomer.

Comparing my life last year until now, I can say I am a lot happier. I have managed to get my own apartment, be on my own and appreciate solitude.

I am less pressured about marriage since The Boyfriend needs to go to Syndey first before we even think about that. But I am glad, too, that I find recluse in him and we are more grounded, more stable and peaceful, yet extremely contented and happy that we are together.

A lot of things happened to me this year. I moved out, changed jobs, met new people, said goodbye to good, close friends. Yet I didn't lose myself. In fact, I think I know myself better now.

Funny, they say people get more jaded when they grow older. How come I am more hopeful and optimistic?

The most important thing is that I am happy. I feel blessed and grateful because I have true friends who are with me who make this nowhere-near-perfect life wonderful.

The Buddy connection

Yes, we still have it. That uncanny vibes when we are thinking of each other.

This morning, as I was plying Jupiter Street going to my office, I thought of The Buddy.

It’s been more than a week since we last talked. I had to text him. I asked how he was doing.

He replied: “Funny, I just thought of calling you.”

I texted again, told him it would be best to talk during the weekends. My sched is really tight during workdays.

Until now, it leaves me wondering how we reach a certain level of connection with a person that we are somehow able to anticipate or feel when they are thinking of us.

Between me and him, we always had it since the first time we met. We weren’t that good friends yet when told me via msn that he had a weird dream around 5 in the morning about how much he hated the people in the office and the only likeable person left there was me.

Believe it or not, at that same moment, I was in the car with The Boyfriend, passing by his village. We came from Lucena and we had to pass by Alabang.

At around 5 am, I was sleepily looking at the car window, wondering if he was at work or he was at home. I even made a mental note to ask him where he parks his car in the office building.

We had several weird “connections” like that. I’m just glad to find out that across the distance, we didn’t lose it.

In one intimate conversation that we had, he said there must be a reason why we met. We might not realize it now, but we will find out in the course of time.

I don’t even have to wait for that moment to come. I’m just glad that he’s still there.

Blessed to be stressed

I have been stressing and fussing over some of my to-dos for 2 weeks now. Of course, I’ve been ranting and grumbling and using The Boyfriend as a sounding board. The Buddy wasn’t exempted from my litanies as well.

The Buddy and I have been texting back and forth about how hard it is to wake up at 5:30 in the morning to be in the office by 8, yada yada yada. The Buddy’s work schedule back here was at 6am so I used to wake him up at 4 or 5.

So I didn’t get much moral support. I actually got more reprimands. There goes my 10 pesos per text message.

The Boyfriend, on the other hand, gave me a new mantra. Whenever I feel so bummed about my never-ending tasks, he told me to tell myself:

“I am blessed to be stressed.”

Nung una hindi ko ma-gets. Not because I am slow, but because work is really tougher now. I dream of it, wake up in the middle of the night thinking of opening a branch and remembering the exact colors of the store outlet. Admittedly, I dread going to the office sometimes because of the pressure.

I have several big pimples on my face. My period is delayed. I have dark circles under my eyes. Or sometimes I go to the office with puffy Garfield eyes for the lack of sleep.

It can’t be my new foundation that’s causing my pimples. It’s non-comedogenic. As for my period, I’ve been celibate and it’s highly unlikely for me to be another case of Immaculate Conception.

These are all signs of stress.

So pano ako naging blessed to be stressed?!?!?!

It only dawned on me when The Boyfriend also got so annoyed by my ranting and rambling. Baka daw kaka-reklamo ko, bawiin sa akin ni God lahat ng blessings na binigay nya.

Tama nga naman.

I asked – no, begged – for this job to be mine. I asked Him to give this to me so I can prove what I can do.

At 25, nandito na ako. And if I succeed in making and implementing the bizplan, I would have reached my self-imposed target. Doing so, I would have reached the apex of my career.

THUS, two years from now, I could get married already. Kahit ako pa ang mag-propose sa kanya!

So ano nga naman ang nire-reklamo at ine-emote ko?!?!?!

This is what I asked for Him to grant me: a new and challenging job that is right for me with a very good boss and mentor.

And true enough: Ask and it shall be given to you.

Binigay naman, eh.

Moral lesson of the story: Most of the time we are given the things and opportunities we ask from God. But He never said the road to these blessings and opportunities is easy. Perhaps it’s a bit hard for us to get there so we will rejoice in the triumph and appreciate His gift more.

Ganda, di ba?

Passing the initiation

Today, I opened my first satellite branch.

I made it through, despite the lack of papers, permits and funds. I somehow managed to find all those with the help of some angels around here.

One of the supervisors said it might have been one of the CEO's tests to find out if I can do it.

Hah. I did it.

And I'm hoping I'd still deliver the next ones.

Back to my other projects.

Lessons on resourcefulness and being Miss Congeniality personified

It's only my 3rd week here but I am running to and fro - mind you - in my new 3.5 inches high heels - from my office to Megamall then back to my office.

In 3 days, my primary mandate is to open a small outlet in a mall as a satellite branch. No assigned sales staff yet, no merchandise.

You think that's it?

I need to ingress before this week ends and the lease papers are not yet signed! The signatory will be here by Thursday but there should be a memo from other signatories who happen to be out of the country that the lease needs to be signed.

I'm rambling.

Wow - so kailangan ko ngayong mag-milagro na mapirmahan ang kontrata at makakuha ng deposit para mabuksan yung branch.

Thank God there are people in the office who take pity on me and who are geniunely concerned. They promised to help me find my signatories abroad.

Aside from all that stress, I am having fun. Contrary to initial impressions, people started warming up to me by half of the second week. I now car-pool with a manager-friend every morning so we can both save money on gas and parking.

How can they turn a very nice, friendly girl down? *blink* *blink*

And this morning, someone gave me taho for breakfast.

Kewl.

Coffee + me = serenity

That is actually a very paradoxical title since coffee is a stimulant. Coffee perks me up when I feel so bored and sleepy at work or when I’m studying.

But I am digressing.

It’s almost 2pm. I am here at Starbucks at the 5th (or is it 4th?) level of Galleria. I am waiting for a long-lost friend to show up. Our appointment is at 1:30pm. Last time he texted, he’s just on his way to his car so he’s running 20 minutes late.

My notebook and my café mocha are both keeping me company right now. - Wow - it’s been a while since I people-watched. When bored, this is actually one of the fun things that you can actually do – rather than text, bite your nails or stare in space.

It’s both relaxing and fun to watch people come and go. Or observe as they banter and kill time. Some are catching up with friends, while others are doing business. Some, like me, are armed with their notebooks and PDAs, typing and taking down notes for school.

As for me, I’m typing just to kill time. Still waiting for friend to come.

As I am doing this, I realized how much comfortable I have become to be on my own. I guess this comes with the territory of living on my own. I have come to appreciate myself, my company. I now actually welcome moments with myself, by myself.

I get to sort out my thoughts and feelings, digest what happened to me after a day’s work.

It’s funny when I go on a retrospective journey. Two to three years back, you wouldn’t catch me going solo. I would never go out on my own. My friends teased me as helpless. I defended it as being company-oriented. Hey, don’t blame me; I’m a social animal.

I am actually surprised at myself. And darn proud. I am surprised at my own confidence and degree of comfort to be in a crowd - on my own.

I think I’ll do this again this week. And next time, it’s not to kill time while waiting for a friend, but to spend quality time with me.

All in 2 weeks’ work

This is very different from the IT industry. I had to justify my need for a computer before they give me one. I have been bringing my laptop for 2 weeks now since I couldn’t stand not having my own computer (By the way, I got a Toshiba Satellite instead. Cheaper, more practical, same color as my Visor Prism and with all the features I need!).

Isn’t a computer a staple office equipment?

Sigh.

Despite the fact that my company is still in the Jurassic era in terms of computers and the Internet, my 2 weeks here have so far been very productive.

On my first day at work, I found out that a Filipina buys an average of 8 lipsticks in a year.

On my 3rd day, I was eating financial models and statements for lunch with my CEO. Now I know what those ROI, RRI and PNL stand for. And hey, I now know how to make them, too!

They flew me to a conference on my 4th and 5th day so I could learn the ropes of the new business channel I am supposed to develop.

Yes, they do not scrimp on the education and training of employees.

I have been spending a lot of time attending product trainings and store exposures. Half of it had been fun, the other half stressful, what with all the business and operation plans I need to write!

But ask me about those body butter and dry oil mist stuff – I know! Thanks to the product and training managers.

After 2 weeks, I have also developed a higher regard and deeper respect for store clerks, merchandisers and staff. They are more commonly known as dispachadoras – as popularized by that Annie Batungbakal song of the ‘80s.

You don’t know how tiring it is to stand all day and put up with the shit that some customers give them. If they break something in the store or an inventory gets lost because of shoplifting, they pay for it. And these are minimum wage earners.

Last Saturday, I went shopping for a new pair of shoes again. I was nicer to the guy clerk. Even went out of my way to look at his ID to know his name. I thanked him and addressed him by his first name.

He was surprised – but smiled sincerely – flattered that I did call him by his name.

Simple lang, di ba? Pero nakakaalis ng pagod kahit papano.

So if you guys think it’s all about kakikayan or how glamorous it is to work for a popular cosmetics, health and beauty company, think again. There’s a lot of brainpower, hard work and patience that come along with that lipstick or eu de toilette you just bought.

This is the only time that I have to update my blog. I was supposed to rant and rave about my new job and my new work but I stumbled upon this article written by Bo Sanchez.

It’s about happiness and how we have this crazy propensity to complicate our lives and overlook the simple things that can make us happy.

This is a source of inspiration for me this week so I just need to share it.

_____________________________


HAPPINESS
Bo Sanchez

I'm in Tagaytay right now and life is glorious up here. I was able to borrow from a friend her pretty house that sits right on the ridge - with a porch overlooking the breathtaking Taal lake and Taal Volcano.

It's early morning and the view is majestic. I breathe this all in as I sit on a nice wooden chair, in front of a tiny table -- where my coffee cup rests. Not a styropor or plastic cup, mind you, But china. So that it makes nice "tinkling" sounds when you swirl your teaspoon around.

Actually, I'm not a coffee drinker. But the entire scene "demanded" that I drink one. While I do this, I read a good, fat book. Ahhhh Why is life sooooooooo good? Life is beautiful.

If there's one thing that defines me, it's this line: I know how to get a kick out of life. Enjoying life is my master skill. I'm able to squeeze every drop of joy and blessing from the simplest, most ordinary experiences of each day. (Even the most painful ones! But that's another story.)

Actually, I don't need the Taal lake to make me happy. I don't need the wooden chair or the tiny table or the coffee cup. I don't need the good, fat book. I just need to be me - and I'm happy with me! I actually like my company!

Some people are very "iffy" about their happiness. "If I get a new job, then I'll be happy" or "If I get married, then I'll be happy" or "If I get a car, then I'll be happy" or "If I'll buy a house, then I'll be happy."

They've got one rude awakening coming up real soon. Because the truth is, if they're not happy now, where they are, they won't be happy no matter what happens to them.

Some people create elaborate, complicated sometimes impossible rules to experience happiness in their lives. Like "Unless everyone loves me and accepts me, I'll never be happy" Pretty insane, right?

Some have other types of complicated rules to gaining happiness: "I will be happy only if I'll be able to buy a BMW, wear an Armani, a Rolex watch.."

Poor creatures!

Others are such demanding lovers that they're doomed to always be unhappy in their relationships. They say "I'll be happy only if my beloved will wait for me 24 hours a day, think of me always, serve me attentively, and eat, walk, talk, breathe for me."

God have mercy on their loved ones.

My conditions to experiencing happiness are pretty simple:

If I breathe normally, I'll be happy.. If I feel my heart pumping in my chest, I'll be happy. If the sun shines today, I'll be happy - even if the sun shines behind storm clouds! If I'm able to smile, I'll be happy. If I'll be able to love someone in whatever small way, I'll be happy. And most of all, if God loves me, I'll be really happy. (When doesn't He?)

Haven't you noticed? I cheat on life. Because I make my own rule to experiencing happiness and I make them so simple, they're stacked on my favor.

I have a suggestion for you. Examine your conditions for happiness now.
They may be too darn complicated, you'll never be happy in your life.

Too bad.

Because life is too beautiful to miss out.

Pabati

Belated happy birthday, Mira!

Sabi ko na birthday mo, eh. Alam ko magkakasunod ang birthday sa ABSi around August and September.

Sorry late ang greeting.

Huli man ang pabati, bumati pa rin.

Hahaha!

Random thoughts and feelings

1. Overall, grateful.

For the dream job that has been given to me, for the redundancy pay I will be getting on Monday (Yeeey! Will now buy my Fujitsu or Compaq notebook), for the Divine Intervention in my life.

2. Blessed. With really great and true friends. With The Boyfriend.
3. Happy. That I have a good life.
4. Pretty contented. Not totally angst-free but beyond some of them.
5. Empty. I miss you, Buddy. Terribly. Despite the recent fight, I do.
6. Moved. That the Buddy went the extra mile to make it up.
7. Scared. That I will not measure up. That I am going to enter a new industry.
8. Excited. With the new job, with the forthcoming discounts I will have on make-up and perfume as part of my employment perks (woohoo!).

By the way, watch the MTV Video Music Awards tonight. Read from Yahoo that Britney Spears and Madonna French kissed.

Woah.

Woah.

Still can't get over it.

Woah.

Losing some, winning some


I am taking a break from the marketing plan I am drafting for my Korean client. And what better way to spend it but to blog after several weeks!


The worst job of my life

August 11-15: one of the worst weeks of my life. After working so hard writing copy after copy of the print ads and presentations for my CEO, our pay check was delayed. Two weeks after being the Project Manager of my team, he also fired one of the web designers I am working with.

There was a big incident in the office when the web designer mass-mailed everyone new in the office, divulging how the company delayed people’s salaries and imposed unreasonable office policies. The CEO found out about this but didn’t address the issue.

Restless and very concerned, I had to respond to the email, copy furnished to everyone, demanding for a dialogue between management and the employees.

We were assured that our paycheck will not get delayed and that the employee was disgruntled – thus the poison email.

Talk is cheap.

The test was for them to deliver the promise.

Unfortunately, it was all lip service. We didn’t get our pay.

I resigned right then and there – something that I didn’t regret doing since other employees are still running after their paychecks up until now. And to no avail.

What I have to say about it: what goes around comes around, man. And in full circle, it does.

If I was as evil as I was a few years back, I could have written all my friends both in the advertising and IT industry to spread the word on their horrendous labor practice, their inability to deliver the promised services to clients due to bankruptcy and incompetence and the questionable character of the owners.

I’m not gonna do it just yet. But I will if they don’t pay up all the employees’ back wages.


The sweetest triumph as redemption

I was so angry when this happened, knowing that I worked so hard and did my best.

But redemption came a week after. My DREAM JOB called me. The HR said I was scheduled to meet with the CEO and the President.

The interview with the CEO was very cordial and friendly. The President was another story. He grilled me and made sure I was put to the test – what with the 7am appointment and a 3.5 hours interview with him in the office.

Afterwards, I had to run in the restroom to break down. I’ve never felt so stupid in my life up until that time. I also felt that my integrity was being questioned, what with the bombardment of questions pertaining to my professionalism and values.

In fairness, he was an upright and intelligent man. The questions were reasonable but very hard-hitting. I had to really prove myself.

After the interview, I was so frustrated and almost sure that I didn’t make it – after what I’ve been through during the application process (6-7 stages!).

Two days after, I got another phone call from HR, asking me when I can report for work. I have an appointment with the HR director and the CEO tomorrow to discuss my package, terms and the date I can start working.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-LLELUJAH!

True enough, the Powers That Be made this triumph a lot sweeter for me. I really hope this is it.

Top 10 things/people/situations that make me wanna light a stick

10. Coffee. Brewed coffee.

9. Free Mild Seven from Josh during planning sessions. Josh, stay away from me! Please keep those packs away.

8. Drinking sessions in general. It's hard not to smoke while drinking.

7. Get-together with AS friends. Sila ang may sala kung bakit natuto pa kong manigarilyo at tumambay ng 4-5 oras sa AS lobby.

6. Birthday parties with high school friends. Mga alcoholic, yosihero at yosihera.

5. Thinking of the uncertainties in life.

4. Getting stressed out in school.

3. Getting stressed out at work.

2. The Bestfriend. Waxing philosophical with him, planning our Asian trip, getting pissed off and angsty about our jobs, our partners, life in general.

1. The Buddy. When we are on the phone for 6-8 hours. When we bicker and argue and bicker at each other. When he is being himself - proud, arrogant and chauvinist.

Looking at top reasons 1 and 2, I realized: Sabi na nga ba papatayin ako ng mga lalake sa buhay ko eh.

But then again...

The only reason why I quit smoking

The Boyfriend.

It's not my health. Not the stench of my hair and clothes.

Mushy-gooey but hey - I want to spend a much longer time with him. Plus I was given an ultimatum. Hahaha!

Of managers and leaders

It's true. Some people are not meant to be managers. I don't know why length of service alone could justify a promotion. If you are a good web designer and have been in the company for more than 2 years or so, it is not a good enough reason to be promoted to a supervisory or managerial position. Not everyone was meant to oversee people.


Yosi kadiri

7 days. Nope - not the Craig David song. After my drinking stint last Thursday at ABSCBN for Dan's birthday celeb, I just decided that the Marlboro lights fliptop pack that I consumed that night would be the last one. I haven't had a fix for 7 days. And damn! Am I proud of myself!

It helps that none (READ: NONE!) of my officemates now are smoking. Not even the guy webbies. My boss, coming from the stressful world of advertising, quit a few years back when the wife got pregnant.

Did I mention that I have to wait for 3 minutes on the average to ride the elevator going up or down our office? That's another factor.


Underrated

No. I am not seeing The Buddy.

And by seeing, I mean dating.

It's funny how some people who barely even know me can judge what I can or cannot do. So they're now blessed with clairvoyance to actually predict what I am going to do next?

Sorry for the disappointment but we are definitely friends. I have very close affinity and attachment to him but it will not go beyond that. If I am still in denial? No. I actually acknowledged how I felt.

What we have is something more valuable than a one-time good-time deal.

So whoever told who that I'm seeing him secretly, it's no secret. It's out in the open.

Mamatay ka sa inggit.

Catwalking in the rat race

Yesterday marked the first day in my new job. I am now gainfully (?) employed by a start-up company (not again!?!?!).

The office is located right smack in Makati's CBD. For two days now, I have been lunching with The Boyfriend at the LKG Tower along with other yuppies.
Sadly, I think I have been swallowed by the system already. I look like them, dress like them. Armed with my mobile phone, PDA and file folders, I attend power lunches with clients. Though I can't discern where's the power in that - depriving myself of that strictly-1-hour quality time where I shouldn't be thinking about work.

Makati is just congested with a lot of rodents who start swarming in at 8 in the morning. It's sickening.

Oh well. Welcome to their wonderful world.

Making it big

Six years of work. Six different companies including my consultancies. 3 years as the maximum gestation period in an organization.

I would like to think there is more to work. More to this.

Whether I am going to stay for the long haul with my current company remains to be seen. It's a startup with potential - but so with the other ones.

My moves right now are bordering on pragmatism. My jobs pay my rent. It would help me buy the Fujitsu Lifebook I've been eyeing for more than 2 weeks now. They would take me to Bangkok and Singapore in September.

That's all there is to it.

At this point, I am still short-sighted with employment opportunities. What with the worsening economy of the country and the Magdalo rebellion of 2 weeks ago, all I can see is a bleak future.

How can I be fucking bullish about anything?

If my idealism is dead? Let's just say I agree with Yoj. So much for college daydreaming.

Deal with it

My skin is mocha brown.
I will never be caught dead with skin whitening paraphernalia.
I like my hair long and black.

I like wearing tank tops.
Round-necked shirts never fit me to a T.
My colors are always bright.
I look boring in white.
[Gross – that rhymed!]

I love wearing make-up.
I never leave home without my lash curler, concealer and lipstick.
Natural beauty is not true in my case.

I’m not a Gap babe.
I’m a Guess chick.
Gap = Big sizes, muted colors.
Not me.

I walk around in my platforms.
Almost all my shoes have 3-inch heels.
I can walk around wearing them all day long.
That is definitely an acquired skill!

I don’t wear khaki pants.
My pants are black, my denims are usually dark blue.
I like them hip-snugging or low-rise.
Flared and boot cut.

I am a guru at gay speak.
And I love gay men.
Have a lot of gay friends.
Definitely not homophobic.

I don’t intend to change these.
Maybe I would for myself.
But not to please others.
Definitely not to please thee.

I’m not even asking you to change your preference.
But please, don’t go changing me.