Lonely planet
Important moral lessons of the weekend:
Sometimes, the more we surround ourselves with people and the more we immerse ourselves with temporary highs, the sadder and the emptier we feel.
The higher the apex of the temporary high, the lower we feel when the hit subsides.
Monday, January 26, 2004
Saturday, January 24, 2004
Ano ang saysay?
Tintin and I were able to close two deals that will enable us to open two more branches in the provinces. So we were both happy that we are reaching our targets and we have a lot of hot leads coming in.
Here's the catch:
Now that two of our vendors are ready, willing and able to open two branches, we have no carts, kiosks and fixtures. We are also suffering from delays in the release of marketing collaterals and even the release of products.
Ang ganda no? They will stress you out to reach your targets but they will not keep their part of the bargain. And to think they want us to open 50 in a year!
Gan-duh!
Tintin and I were able to close two deals that will enable us to open two more branches in the provinces. So we were both happy that we are reaching our targets and we have a lot of hot leads coming in.
Here's the catch:
Now that two of our vendors are ready, willing and able to open two branches, we have no carts, kiosks and fixtures. We are also suffering from delays in the release of marketing collaterals and even the release of products.
Ang ganda no? They will stress you out to reach your targets but they will not keep their part of the bargain. And to think they want us to open 50 in a year!
Gan-duh!
Thursday, January 22, 2004
Sunday, January 11, 2004
Hanggang sa muli
Last Friday, I saw my ABS-CBN friends. We had a dinner reunion at El Pueblo. I think everyone was very glad that we had a very high turnout that time. Some friends came with their – aherm – better halves.
After dinner, some friends – Romy, Dan, Riz, Karish and I – went to Malate to have a few drinks. Romy took us to this club with stand-up shows. We had so much fun with the okrayans, the gay talk and the profanities!
It feels good to see old faces, old friends.
Sa uulitin.
Like after a year? Hahaha.
Romy and I want to go clubbing. Sama kayo, ha? Sige na, Jovan.
A possible rendezvous
Speaking of reunions, I spoke to The Buddy. He is flying to Germany in April for his training. He was sworn in last Friday.
Since he will be in Europe for the next two years, he is tempted to go back to Manila in March. I’m kinda egging him on to go. I know he needs that break and he would definitely miss Manila!
Admittedly, I also have a vested interested in that. I need to see him again before that 2-year hibernation in Europe. He was actually teasing me – what’s in it for him if he goes back here to meet up? Ha-ha.
He knows about The Archer and warns me to be cautious. Call it guy instinct – but he feels it’s some sort of seduction ploy and tells me to wait for the right temptation instead – alluding of course to the possible March get-together.
Coward me – refused and said “Let’s not.” Aaaaaaaaaarg. Minsan talaga mahirap gawin ang tama.
I told him not to even attempt – I would find it hard to refuse – to be very honest about it.
Parang mahirap ‘to ah. When he sent me his pictures in Venice, he looked really good. Yummy-licious, said a gay friend.
Nararamdaman ko na kahit anong closure ang hanapin namin pareho, buong buhay na yata kaming magkakabitinan. Dapat ngang makuntento na maging magkaibigan na lang.
Last Friday, I saw my ABS-CBN friends. We had a dinner reunion at El Pueblo. I think everyone was very glad that we had a very high turnout that time. Some friends came with their – aherm – better halves.
After dinner, some friends – Romy, Dan, Riz, Karish and I – went to Malate to have a few drinks. Romy took us to this club with stand-up shows. We had so much fun with the okrayans, the gay talk and the profanities!
It feels good to see old faces, old friends.
Sa uulitin.
Like after a year? Hahaha.
Romy and I want to go clubbing. Sama kayo, ha? Sige na, Jovan.
A possible rendezvous
Speaking of reunions, I spoke to The Buddy. He is flying to Germany in April for his training. He was sworn in last Friday.
Since he will be in Europe for the next two years, he is tempted to go back to Manila in March. I’m kinda egging him on to go. I know he needs that break and he would definitely miss Manila!
Admittedly, I also have a vested interested in that. I need to see him again before that 2-year hibernation in Europe. He was actually teasing me – what’s in it for him if he goes back here to meet up? Ha-ha.
He knows about The Archer and warns me to be cautious. Call it guy instinct – but he feels it’s some sort of seduction ploy and tells me to wait for the right temptation instead – alluding of course to the possible March get-together.
Coward me – refused and said “Let’s not.” Aaaaaaaaaarg. Minsan talaga mahirap gawin ang tama.
I told him not to even attempt – I would find it hard to refuse – to be very honest about it.
Parang mahirap ‘to ah. When he sent me his pictures in Venice, he looked really good. Yummy-licious, said a gay friend.
Nararamdaman ko na kahit anong closure ang hanapin namin pareho, buong buhay na yata kaming magkakabitinan. Dapat ngang makuntento na maging magkaibigan na lang.
Monday, January 05, 2004
Surreal
We met in September.
To clarify and set things in their proper perspective, the question to ask is:
Was there an initial romantic or physical attraction?
There was none.
At the onset, I already made it clear that I am with someone. To me, it was clear that he is an Untouchable.
We became friends, without the knowledge of most people around us. The friendship was a conscious social contract between the two of us, knowing that it will require a deliberate effort to remain in touch. We had minimal common friends – very surprising with both our vast network of friends and social circles.
This much I can say – he initiated the social contract. My acceptance was an unambiguous sign of willingness.
What transpired from then and now is a discovery of overlapping traits and characteristics, despite the major differences in backgrounds.
Both with warm, pleasant and friendly personas, we were drawn to each other. There was a mutual interest to realize what other common grounds we could uncover.
We rarely see each other. Circumstances and social decorum did not allow it.
On a fateful Sunday night, however, he initiated the next encounter.
The Archer whisked me away to the suburb.
The speed, the unforeseen events, the spontaneity were all blinding and intoxicating.
Am I referring to incidents with sexual undertones?
NO.
First of, The Archer is a good person with good intentions. I, on the other hand, have absolutely no romantic illusions about what we have. Nor will we ever see each other in that light.
It was nothing extraordinary, really. I have gone out of town with friends in the past. What’s different now is the fact that at that time, no one knew where we both were, who we’re with. Add to this the taboo of being seen together.
It was like having an illicit affair when there was none. There was danger. There was the excitement of sharing what seemed like a deep, not-so-dark secret.
As if this isn’t treacherous enough, on our way to our destination, we almost collided with a vehicle and the car was swept off a dark dirt road.
We were both speechless for a while. My hands were cold and shaking.
Although this is really going overboard and perhaps brought about by the adrenaline rush, at that time I was thinking, we could have gotten hurt – no, we could have died – without the knowledge of our families and friends.
After we regained our composure, we were laughing and making fun of what happened, though we both know we could have been in serious trouble if the car actually crashed.
The rest of the night was smooth as compared to that. It was mostly a discovery of ourselves, of who The Archer is, of who I am.
Again, there was a renewal of social contract – that we are friends, that we are safe with each other.
It was the scariest, most dangerous experience that will remain on top of my list for a long time.
Now that I am more cerebral about it, I am realizing why and how things happened the way they did.
It was an escape from both the realities we live in. We shared an affinity for each other in a way that we share an affinity for danger and disobedience.
Perhaps we both felt that our lives compelled us to follow stringent rules and norms. Within our core are free spirits that needed to be tamed to perform our daily duties and obligations.
At that time, we found ourselves – two souls – who wanted some liberty without the judging eyes and socially-imposed rules of what ought to be.
I don’t thirst for this everyday. Most, if not all, of my waking hours, I am just what people define as normal and average.
It was just another journey to self-discovery where I realized which dichotomies in myself that I have to reconcile.
Now, it’s time to go back to being normal again.
We met in September.
To clarify and set things in their proper perspective, the question to ask is:
Was there an initial romantic or physical attraction?
There was none.
At the onset, I already made it clear that I am with someone. To me, it was clear that he is an Untouchable.
We became friends, without the knowledge of most people around us. The friendship was a conscious social contract between the two of us, knowing that it will require a deliberate effort to remain in touch. We had minimal common friends – very surprising with both our vast network of friends and social circles.
This much I can say – he initiated the social contract. My acceptance was an unambiguous sign of willingness.
What transpired from then and now is a discovery of overlapping traits and characteristics, despite the major differences in backgrounds.
Both with warm, pleasant and friendly personas, we were drawn to each other. There was a mutual interest to realize what other common grounds we could uncover.
We rarely see each other. Circumstances and social decorum did not allow it.
On a fateful Sunday night, however, he initiated the next encounter.
The Archer whisked me away to the suburb.
The speed, the unforeseen events, the spontaneity were all blinding and intoxicating.
Am I referring to incidents with sexual undertones?
NO.
First of, The Archer is a good person with good intentions. I, on the other hand, have absolutely no romantic illusions about what we have. Nor will we ever see each other in that light.
It was nothing extraordinary, really. I have gone out of town with friends in the past. What’s different now is the fact that at that time, no one knew where we both were, who we’re with. Add to this the taboo of being seen together.
It was like having an illicit affair when there was none. There was danger. There was the excitement of sharing what seemed like a deep, not-so-dark secret.
As if this isn’t treacherous enough, on our way to our destination, we almost collided with a vehicle and the car was swept off a dark dirt road.
We were both speechless for a while. My hands were cold and shaking.
Although this is really going overboard and perhaps brought about by the adrenaline rush, at that time I was thinking, we could have gotten hurt – no, we could have died – without the knowledge of our families and friends.
After we regained our composure, we were laughing and making fun of what happened, though we both know we could have been in serious trouble if the car actually crashed.
The rest of the night was smooth as compared to that. It was mostly a discovery of ourselves, of who The Archer is, of who I am.
Again, there was a renewal of social contract – that we are friends, that we are safe with each other.
It was the scariest, most dangerous experience that will remain on top of my list for a long time.
Now that I am more cerebral about it, I am realizing why and how things happened the way they did.
It was an escape from both the realities we live in. We shared an affinity for each other in a way that we share an affinity for danger and disobedience.
Perhaps we both felt that our lives compelled us to follow stringent rules and norms. Within our core are free spirits that needed to be tamed to perform our daily duties and obligations.
At that time, we found ourselves – two souls – who wanted some liberty without the judging eyes and socially-imposed rules of what ought to be.
I don’t thirst for this everyday. Most, if not all, of my waking hours, I am just what people define as normal and average.
It was just another journey to self-discovery where I realized which dichotomies in myself that I have to reconcile.
Now, it’s time to go back to being normal again.
Sunday, January 04, 2004
2003 pa rin
Here’s another way to be nostalgic about 2003. ‘Seems like I’m not over last year yet. Well, not really. It’s just that I haven’t spent enough time evaluating what I did and didn’t do in the year that passed.
A friend forwarded me this and I’m posting my answers here.
1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?
Become independent by renting my own apartment.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Most of it. But I gotta stop smoking!
Yes, the plans I outlined in my previous blog would be my new year’s resolution.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, my college best friend.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. Whew.
5. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?
A more defined and solid character. But I think I’m getting there.
6. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Dates. April 21 – The Buddy left for the States for a 2-month break.
December 28 – just take my word that it will remain etched in my memory.
7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
To rent my own apartment and move out when the redundancy/retrenchment was happening and to get a middle managerial job.
8. What was your biggest failure?
To get out of a vicious cycle.
9. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Cough, cold, fever.
10. What was the best thing you bought?
My laptop.
11. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Almost everyone.
12. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
FPJ. Panfilo Lacson.
13. Where did most of your money go?
Stuff for my apartment, clothes, shoes.
14. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Events that I did not foresee or plan but happened.
15. What song/album will always remind you of 2003?
OHSI’s 2003 CD compilation.
16. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder?
Both.
17. Thinner or Fatter?
Fatter. Shit.
18. Richer or poorer?
Pareho lang but I feel richer because of my accomplishments.
19. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Spend more time with my Grandmother. Sleep and rest. Work out.
20. What do you wish you'd done less of?
I think I partied too much but I don’t regret I did so.
21. Did you fall in love in 2003?
Yes.
22. What was your favorite TV program?
Lots! Sex and the City still tops my list. Ally McBeal, Will and Grace, Dharma and Greg, Just Shoot Me, Two Guys and a Girl.
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No, not my style to harbor grudges/ill fillings against anyone.
24. What was the best book you read?
Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
India Arie.
26. What did you want and get?
Dami! My apartment. Friends. Love. Seduction. Job. School.
27. What did you want and not get?
Dami rin. Sleep. Rest. Love. Books. Time.
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions – kahit na the ending sucked!
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Review for my finals, 26.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I’ve always been grateful with what God gives me. If He didn’t give me something, he must have a good reason why.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?
Still unconventional, but more restrained because of the nature of my job.
32. What kept you sane?
Not what, but who. God. My Mother. Myself. But almost all the time, God.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I had to think hard – parang wala.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Two political issues: the US-Iraq war and FPJ running for president.
35. Who did you miss?
Dami. My Grandma, my Mom, The Buddy. OHSI. Web.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
Not the best new person but a rediscovery – my former CEO. He became a good friend.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003:
The best and most successful people are the ones who know how to balance being cerebral and being emotional.
Whatever trials and tribulations life would bring me, God is my pillar of strength.
Here’s another way to be nostalgic about 2003. ‘Seems like I’m not over last year yet. Well, not really. It’s just that I haven’t spent enough time evaluating what I did and didn’t do in the year that passed.
A friend forwarded me this and I’m posting my answers here.
1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?
Become independent by renting my own apartment.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Most of it. But I gotta stop smoking!
Yes, the plans I outlined in my previous blog would be my new year’s resolution.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, my college best friend.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. Whew.
5. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?
A more defined and solid character. But I think I’m getting there.
6. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Dates. April 21 – The Buddy left for the States for a 2-month break.
December 28 – just take my word that it will remain etched in my memory.
7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
To rent my own apartment and move out when the redundancy/retrenchment was happening and to get a middle managerial job.
8. What was your biggest failure?
To get out of a vicious cycle.
9. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Cough, cold, fever.
10. What was the best thing you bought?
My laptop.
11. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Almost everyone.
12. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
FPJ. Panfilo Lacson.
13. Where did most of your money go?
Stuff for my apartment, clothes, shoes.
14. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Events that I did not foresee or plan but happened.
15. What song/album will always remind you of 2003?
OHSI’s 2003 CD compilation.
16. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder?
Both.
17. Thinner or Fatter?
Fatter. Shit.
18. Richer or poorer?
Pareho lang but I feel richer because of my accomplishments.
19. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Spend more time with my Grandmother. Sleep and rest. Work out.
20. What do you wish you'd done less of?
I think I partied too much but I don’t regret I did so.
21. Did you fall in love in 2003?
Yes.
22. What was your favorite TV program?
Lots! Sex and the City still tops my list. Ally McBeal, Will and Grace, Dharma and Greg, Just Shoot Me, Two Guys and a Girl.
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No, not my style to harbor grudges/ill fillings against anyone.
24. What was the best book you read?
Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
India Arie.
26. What did you want and get?
Dami! My apartment. Friends. Love. Seduction. Job. School.
27. What did you want and not get?
Dami rin. Sleep. Rest. Love. Books. Time.
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions – kahit na the ending sucked!
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Review for my finals, 26.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I’ve always been grateful with what God gives me. If He didn’t give me something, he must have a good reason why.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?
Still unconventional, but more restrained because of the nature of my job.
32. What kept you sane?
Not what, but who. God. My Mother. Myself. But almost all the time, God.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I had to think hard – parang wala.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Two political issues: the US-Iraq war and FPJ running for president.
35. Who did you miss?
Dami. My Grandma, my Mom, The Buddy. OHSI. Web.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
Not the best new person but a rediscovery – my former CEO. He became a good friend.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003:
The best and most successful people are the ones who know how to balance being cerebral and being emotional.
Whatever trials and tribulations life would bring me, God is my pillar of strength.
Things I’d like to do/accomplish in 2004
(From the mundane to the essentials, in no particular order)
1. Finish my master’s degree with flying colors, hopefully.
2. Learn how to drive a stick shift.
3. Go back to the gym and start lifting weights again. Damn, I’m gaining weight.
4. Or, go back to dancing. I miss street jazz. I miss the dance floor and the ledge. Learn modern jazz.
5. Start joining outreach programs again. My high school friends and I are starting on the 11th in Marikina. I’m excited!
6. Learn how to cook new recipes.
7. Go to Cambodia and Bangkok with Mom in April.
8. Ride a hot air balloon in Clark Field, Pampanga.
9. See more plays and go to new museums.
10. More frequent random act of kindness.
11. Spiritual retreat in June.
12. Get my 40 vendor accounts at work. Uhmmm… can I die now?
13. See my college friends more often.
14. Get to see The Buddy in August or September – in flesh and blood. Yeeeees!
15. Heal. Mend relationships. Be at peace with myself. Talk to my personal God more often.
(From the mundane to the essentials, in no particular order)
1. Finish my master’s degree with flying colors, hopefully.
2. Learn how to drive a stick shift.
3. Go back to the gym and start lifting weights again. Damn, I’m gaining weight.
4. Or, go back to dancing. I miss street jazz. I miss the dance floor and the ledge. Learn modern jazz.
5. Start joining outreach programs again. My high school friends and I are starting on the 11th in Marikina. I’m excited!
6. Learn how to cook new recipes.
7. Go to Cambodia and Bangkok with Mom in April.
8. Ride a hot air balloon in Clark Field, Pampanga.
9. See more plays and go to new museums.
10. More frequent random act of kindness.
11. Spiritual retreat in June.
12. Get my 40 vendor accounts at work. Uhmmm… can I die now?
13. See my college friends more often.
14. Get to see The Buddy in August or September – in flesh and blood. Yeeeees!
15. Heal. Mend relationships. Be at peace with myself. Talk to my personal God more often.
Friday, January 02, 2004
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
The year that was and the year ahead
The year 2003 is a combination of good and difficult times for me. Since it’s the 30th of December today, this is probably my last entry for the year. I intend to catch up on sleep tomorrow and cook for the family.
Strolling down memory lane, these are the landmarks of my entire 2003:
Biggest, most piercing heartaches
1. The OHSI redundancy and the break-up of the Web team
2. The Buddy left for the States and the need to accept that I just had to let go
Giant leaps
1. A new apartment
2. A new job and my career shift from IT to retail, from usability to business development
Biggest scare and greatest fears realized
1. The fear of being in-between jobs and not being able to find one just in time
2. That I may not be able to get out of one vicious cycle of my life
3. That I may not be the marrying type
Bravest things I’ve done
1. Moved out of my parents’ house right in the middle of OHSI’s redundancy/retrenchment
2. Laid all my cards out; allowed myself to become absolutely vulnerable to a friend by confessing my thoughts and feelings
Most coward thing I’ve done
* Failed to take the risk with The Buddy to consider a relationship beyond friendship just because I wasn’t sure it’s going to work out, because I was too afraid to lose the friendship and because I like my comfort zone.
Most unfair thing I’ve done to someone
* Shortchange The Boyfriend by feeling deeply for someone else
Most stupid and probably my biggest mistake
* Went out with someone I wasn’t supposed to go out with
Most flattering and heartwarming experience
1. To find out my feelings are reciprocated
2. To know that my former teammates appreciated what I’ve done for the company
Most stable and most comforting part of my life
1. The Boyfriend - despite my mistakes and my foolishness
2. My family
For the coming year, I am hoping that I will do better and become a more grounded person with a more defined character.
Let’s wait and see. 365 days can just fly by so fast.
Happy New Year, guys!
The year 2003 is a combination of good and difficult times for me. Since it’s the 30th of December today, this is probably my last entry for the year. I intend to catch up on sleep tomorrow and cook for the family.
Strolling down memory lane, these are the landmarks of my entire 2003:
Biggest, most piercing heartaches
1. The OHSI redundancy and the break-up of the Web team
2. The Buddy left for the States and the need to accept that I just had to let go
Giant leaps
1. A new apartment
2. A new job and my career shift from IT to retail, from usability to business development
Biggest scare and greatest fears realized
1. The fear of being in-between jobs and not being able to find one just in time
2. That I may not be able to get out of one vicious cycle of my life
3. That I may not be the marrying type
Bravest things I’ve done
1. Moved out of my parents’ house right in the middle of OHSI’s redundancy/retrenchment
2. Laid all my cards out; allowed myself to become absolutely vulnerable to a friend by confessing my thoughts and feelings
Most coward thing I’ve done
* Failed to take the risk with The Buddy to consider a relationship beyond friendship just because I wasn’t sure it’s going to work out, because I was too afraid to lose the friendship and because I like my comfort zone.
Most unfair thing I’ve done to someone
* Shortchange The Boyfriend by feeling deeply for someone else
Most stupid and probably my biggest mistake
* Went out with someone I wasn’t supposed to go out with
Most flattering and heartwarming experience
1. To find out my feelings are reciprocated
2. To know that my former teammates appreciated what I’ve done for the company
Most stable and most comforting part of my life
1. The Boyfriend - despite my mistakes and my foolishness
2. My family
For the coming year, I am hoping that I will do better and become a more grounded person with a more defined character.
Let’s wait and see. 365 days can just fly by so fast.
Happy New Year, guys!
Monday, December 15, 2003
Engagement brouhaha
Jovan, pare! Congratulations for now being officially engaged to The Girlfriend. I'm so happy for you, man.
Actually, a lot of friends have been asking me when The Boyfriend and I are planning to get engaged. I guess after last year's trauma of me freaking out on the idea and scheming to fend it off, he hasn't mustered enough courage to ask again - hahaha!
But seriously, The Boyfriend is the ultimate husband material. It's just that for now, I want to enjoy his company as it is, without the pressure of being engaged. I can be happy for my friends getting engaged, yes. But mine is a bit far off for now.
There is this ONE major issue that I have to contend with before making that big leap. After getting through and getting over THAT, perhaps I can already have that peace of mind and certainty that I am ready.
As to how I will confront that ghost, I'm really not sure how or if I will ever have the chance to. That's actually the worst part of it - not really knowing for sure how it will have that much needed closure.
Jovan, pare! Congratulations for now being officially engaged to The Girlfriend. I'm so happy for you, man.
Actually, a lot of friends have been asking me when The Boyfriend and I are planning to get engaged. I guess after last year's trauma of me freaking out on the idea and scheming to fend it off, he hasn't mustered enough courage to ask again - hahaha!
But seriously, The Boyfriend is the ultimate husband material. It's just that for now, I want to enjoy his company as it is, without the pressure of being engaged. I can be happy for my friends getting engaged, yes. But mine is a bit far off for now.
There is this ONE major issue that I have to contend with before making that big leap. After getting through and getting over THAT, perhaps I can already have that peace of mind and certainty that I am ready.
As to how I will confront that ghost, I'm really not sure how or if I will ever have the chance to. That's actually the worst part of it - not really knowing for sure how it will have that much needed closure.
Sunday, December 07, 2003
I wrote this a few weeks ago, but I wasn't able to post it because of my erratic sched. Though I don't feel as intensely as when I wrote it, I still want to post it - as a memory of how I once felt for a good friend.
Colorblind
We have been talking incessantly for a week now. Well, we never lost touch, anyway. There’s always the phone – most of the time through chatting and text messages.
Last week, we had the chance to really talk and I confirmed something that has been there between us for a long time now.
Yes, he has been thinking and feeling the same things that sometimes kept me up at night and left me wondering.
Yes, we are friends, for real. But if we want to, we could cross the line.
What he said struck me: Consider it without finalizing.
And that left me wondering once again.
I call him my logical half. But he claims he is my best instinct half.
He keeps my balance. He helps me find reasons to my emotions. I make him feel the emotions to situations he tends to rationalize.
He makes me laugh. I trust him with key decisions in my life. He trusts me with how he feels, what’s on his mind – things that he wouldn’t normally tell just about anyone.
If I considered the possibility, if I considered him – I already did.
Sadly, I had to consider and finalize.
He is a friend and I love him. 80% of the time, I love him as a true friend, a brother. The other 20% is that high feeling when I see him, that sleepless night I spent trying to find out why holding his hand felt weird, good, comforting and uncomfortable all at the same time, that hollow feeling I have in the pit of my gut and in my chest when I don’t talk to him, that sadness I felt when he left.
But considering shouldn’t be an option for me. The next best thing is to put a closure – that final lid – to the remaining 20%.
I guess we are both right – no matter how we consider the possibility, regardless of the claim that life might just surprise both of us on what could happen, what could be – right now it doesn’t matter.
We will never know.
Colorblind
We have been talking incessantly for a week now. Well, we never lost touch, anyway. There’s always the phone – most of the time through chatting and text messages.
Last week, we had the chance to really talk and I confirmed something that has been there between us for a long time now.
Yes, he has been thinking and feeling the same things that sometimes kept me up at night and left me wondering.
Yes, we are friends, for real. But if we want to, we could cross the line.
What he said struck me: Consider it without finalizing.
And that left me wondering once again.
I call him my logical half. But he claims he is my best instinct half.
He keeps my balance. He helps me find reasons to my emotions. I make him feel the emotions to situations he tends to rationalize.
He makes me laugh. I trust him with key decisions in my life. He trusts me with how he feels, what’s on his mind – things that he wouldn’t normally tell just about anyone.
If I considered the possibility, if I considered him – I already did.
Sadly, I had to consider and finalize.
He is a friend and I love him. 80% of the time, I love him as a true friend, a brother. The other 20% is that high feeling when I see him, that sleepless night I spent trying to find out why holding his hand felt weird, good, comforting and uncomfortable all at the same time, that hollow feeling I have in the pit of my gut and in my chest when I don’t talk to him, that sadness I felt when he left.
But considering shouldn’t be an option for me. The next best thing is to put a closure – that final lid – to the remaining 20%.
I guess we are both right – no matter how we consider the possibility, regardless of the claim that life might just surprise both of us on what could happen, what could be – right now it doesn’t matter.
We will never know.
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
Too small a world
Friendster has just made me realize that the world is just too damn small!
When I opened my Friendster this morning, I had a message from a long lost friend from high school. We haven’t been in touch for more than a decade now, only to find each other at Friendster!
I looked at our network and I wasn’t surprised that he was also connected to my other guy friends here in Manila, but I was shocked to see that he was in The Buddy’s list and in a friend’s husband’s list who is in Georgia.
I texted The Buddy to ask him about it. Since Sunday, we’ve been very surprised with how small our circle is. One of my ABS friends is an ex-girlfriend of his pal in Frisco, and now this high school friend of mine turns out to be a college buddy!
Some of my friends don’t know each other. In fact, they are so far off since some are here in Manila, others in the US. Nevertheless, there is always a networking of friends.
When I was in Thailand, a girlfriend who tagged along told me that it’s never safe to have a one night stand in Manila since everyone knows everyone. If she wants to have one, she said she’d have it in another country.
Heeh - I guess even that isn’t safe anymore, huh?
Friendster has just made me realize that the world is just too damn small!
When I opened my Friendster this morning, I had a message from a long lost friend from high school. We haven’t been in touch for more than a decade now, only to find each other at Friendster!
I looked at our network and I wasn’t surprised that he was also connected to my other guy friends here in Manila, but I was shocked to see that he was in The Buddy’s list and in a friend’s husband’s list who is in Georgia.
I texted The Buddy to ask him about it. Since Sunday, we’ve been very surprised with how small our circle is. One of my ABS friends is an ex-girlfriend of his pal in Frisco, and now this high school friend of mine turns out to be a college buddy!
Some of my friends don’t know each other. In fact, they are so far off since some are here in Manila, others in the US. Nevertheless, there is always a networking of friends.
When I was in Thailand, a girlfriend who tagged along told me that it’s never safe to have a one night stand in Manila since everyone knows everyone. If she wants to have one, she said she’d have it in another country.
Heeh - I guess even that isn’t safe anymore, huh?
Monday, October 27, 2003
When Monday is not a drag
This is one Monday that I’m more diligent and excited than usual – that’s why I have to blog about it.
For almost 2 months now, I’ve been dragging myself to work. It’s not that I don’t like my job right now. In fact, I like it and there’s an 80% chance that I will fall in love with it given a few more weeks. The downside of it is waking up at 6am to make it to Ortigas at 8! I’m not a morning person. When I was working in Makati, my call time was 10am and I used to get up at 8.
Add to that the adjustment period I had to go through. Retail is definitely a different animal from a dotcom. My current CEO is the antithesis of my former CEO. What’s more, I report directly to him.
In my early weeks here, I had some difficulty reading him. I couldn’t get it if he was serious, if he was sarcastic or if he was trying to be funny. Because of that, I spent sleepless nights thinking of how I will present my concepts to him to win his approval. I was (and still am) working very hard to prove myself – that I deserve the position, that I deserve my title.
Today, I managed to write off 9 out of 10 tasks in my to-do lists by 2:30 pm. I am now working on finishing the last one. I’ve been very hyper since this morning and the people around me tended to conspire to give me that high feeling – the area operations managers being more helpful than usual, suppliers and clients easier to coordinate with.
Top all of that with a pat on the back from the CEO, with a remark that we’re about to roll out our big project because I managed to finish an important part of it. He also approved my manpower requests.
Ever since I started schooling, Mondays tended to disagree with me. So this is one Monday I will never forget. I’m just hoping this will go on for the rest of the week.
This is one Monday that I’m more diligent and excited than usual – that’s why I have to blog about it.
For almost 2 months now, I’ve been dragging myself to work. It’s not that I don’t like my job right now. In fact, I like it and there’s an 80% chance that I will fall in love with it given a few more weeks. The downside of it is waking up at 6am to make it to Ortigas at 8! I’m not a morning person. When I was working in Makati, my call time was 10am and I used to get up at 8.
Add to that the adjustment period I had to go through. Retail is definitely a different animal from a dotcom. My current CEO is the antithesis of my former CEO. What’s more, I report directly to him.
In my early weeks here, I had some difficulty reading him. I couldn’t get it if he was serious, if he was sarcastic or if he was trying to be funny. Because of that, I spent sleepless nights thinking of how I will present my concepts to him to win his approval. I was (and still am) working very hard to prove myself – that I deserve the position, that I deserve my title.
Today, I managed to write off 9 out of 10 tasks in my to-do lists by 2:30 pm. I am now working on finishing the last one. I’ve been very hyper since this morning and the people around me tended to conspire to give me that high feeling – the area operations managers being more helpful than usual, suppliers and clients easier to coordinate with.
Top all of that with a pat on the back from the CEO, with a remark that we’re about to roll out our big project because I managed to finish an important part of it. He also approved my manpower requests.
Ever since I started schooling, Mondays tended to disagree with me. So this is one Monday I will never forget. I’m just hoping this will go on for the rest of the week.
Saturday, October 25, 2003
CEOs galore
Last Wednesday, I made my ingress again for another kiosk branch in Megamall. Hell, it was tiring! But the CEO treated me and the area manager for lunch at Cabalen, which kinda made it up.
We had the chance to somehow “bond” and clarify personal and professional expectations while smoking in the Mega parking lot (Yes, I cheated my quitting program).
This actually made me feel comfortable in my subsequent meetings with him. My discussions with him are usually one-on-one since I report directly to him and it was very uneasy especially when I had to stand my ground on certain issues. It was reassuring and a relief to find out, straight from the horses’ mouth, that he encourages deliberation.
Last night, my former CEO treated me for dinner, along with other former officemates. We were at Good Earth Tea Room, discussing my former company’s future and developments. It was good to know that there are improvements on that side of the planet.
What was more fun was that we went “person-bashing -” which is the next topic of this blog.
Vindicated
Our conversation last night digressed from work to the more personal and “meatier” stuff. We talked about the people in my former office. My former CEO is also a friend of mine – I don’t treat him as my CEO anymore when we go out, which made things more comfortable.
At one point in the tete-a-tete, I had to admit that I had a minor spat with a girl officemate who was running after The Buddy. She was your usual scheming-lying-bitch who wanted to go between me and The Buddy and who made snide remarks behind my back.
When we were still in the office, she was eyeing 2 employees, trying to win them with her pa-cutesy damsel-in-distress ploy. Puh-leeeeez. *eyes rolling*
I kept quiet about her schemes. Never even mentioned it to The Buddy. I gave him credit by trusting that he won’t bite.
Apparently, this did not escape my former CEO. He saw through her. So did our other officemates. We had the best laugh at her expense last night – with a mix of getting annoyed by her tactics, getting angry and at the same time feeling sorry for her.
I kept quiet all this time about it. Only the closest friends knew what really happened. But now, I heaved a sigh of relief. It wasn’t just me and my preconceived notions. I wasn’t just me being bitchina. It was really her and as former CEO put it – her personality disorder.
I am vindicated. TOTALLY!
Last Wednesday, I made my ingress again for another kiosk branch in Megamall. Hell, it was tiring! But the CEO treated me and the area manager for lunch at Cabalen, which kinda made it up.
We had the chance to somehow “bond” and clarify personal and professional expectations while smoking in the Mega parking lot (Yes, I cheated my quitting program).
This actually made me feel comfortable in my subsequent meetings with him. My discussions with him are usually one-on-one since I report directly to him and it was very uneasy especially when I had to stand my ground on certain issues. It was reassuring and a relief to find out, straight from the horses’ mouth, that he encourages deliberation.
Last night, my former CEO treated me for dinner, along with other former officemates. We were at Good Earth Tea Room, discussing my former company’s future and developments. It was good to know that there are improvements on that side of the planet.
What was more fun was that we went “person-bashing -” which is the next topic of this blog.
Vindicated
Our conversation last night digressed from work to the more personal and “meatier” stuff. We talked about the people in my former office. My former CEO is also a friend of mine – I don’t treat him as my CEO anymore when we go out, which made things more comfortable.
At one point in the tete-a-tete, I had to admit that I had a minor spat with a girl officemate who was running after The Buddy. She was your usual scheming-lying-bitch who wanted to go between me and The Buddy and who made snide remarks behind my back.
When we were still in the office, she was eyeing 2 employees, trying to win them with her pa-cutesy damsel-in-distress ploy. Puh-leeeeez. *eyes rolling*
I kept quiet about her schemes. Never even mentioned it to The Buddy. I gave him credit by trusting that he won’t bite.
Apparently, this did not escape my former CEO. He saw through her. So did our other officemates. We had the best laugh at her expense last night – with a mix of getting annoyed by her tactics, getting angry and at the same time feeling sorry for her.
I kept quiet all this time about it. Only the closest friends knew what really happened. But now, I heaved a sigh of relief. It wasn’t just me and my preconceived notions. I wasn’t just me being bitchina. It was really her and as former CEO put it – her personality disorder.
I am vindicated. TOTALLY!
Friday, October 17, 2003
26 feeling 20
Today, I am turning 26 years old.
When I was 19, I got depressed on the eve of my 20th birthday because I felt so old. Yikes!
No, I did not have that thing they called quarterlife crisis and I hope I am not speaking too soon. I still believe we experience all kinds of crises everyday so quarterlife crisis is such a misnomer.
Comparing my life last year until now, I can say I am a lot happier. I have managed to get my own apartment, be on my own and appreciate solitude.
I am less pressured about marriage since The Boyfriend needs to go to Syndey first before we even think about that. But I am glad, too, that I find recluse in him and we are more grounded, more stable and peaceful, yet extremely contented and happy that we are together.
A lot of things happened to me this year. I moved out, changed jobs, met new people, said goodbye to good, close friends. Yet I didn't lose myself. In fact, I think I know myself better now.
Funny, they say people get more jaded when they grow older. How come I am more hopeful and optimistic?
The most important thing is that I am happy. I feel blessed and grateful because I have true friends who are with me who make this nowhere-near-perfect life wonderful.
Today, I am turning 26 years old.
When I was 19, I got depressed on the eve of my 20th birthday because I felt so old. Yikes!
No, I did not have that thing they called quarterlife crisis and I hope I am not speaking too soon. I still believe we experience all kinds of crises everyday so quarterlife crisis is such a misnomer.
Comparing my life last year until now, I can say I am a lot happier. I have managed to get my own apartment, be on my own and appreciate solitude.
I am less pressured about marriage since The Boyfriend needs to go to Syndey first before we even think about that. But I am glad, too, that I find recluse in him and we are more grounded, more stable and peaceful, yet extremely contented and happy that we are together.
A lot of things happened to me this year. I moved out, changed jobs, met new people, said goodbye to good, close friends. Yet I didn't lose myself. In fact, I think I know myself better now.
Funny, they say people get more jaded when they grow older. How come I am more hopeful and optimistic?
The most important thing is that I am happy. I feel blessed and grateful because I have true friends who are with me who make this nowhere-near-perfect life wonderful.
Monday, October 06, 2003
The Buddy connection
Yes, we still have it. That uncanny vibes when we are thinking of each other.
This morning, as I was plying Jupiter Street going to my office, I thought of The Buddy.
It’s been more than a week since we last talked. I had to text him. I asked how he was doing.
He replied: “Funny, I just thought of calling you.”
I texted again, told him it would be best to talk during the weekends. My sched is really tight during workdays.
Until now, it leaves me wondering how we reach a certain level of connection with a person that we are somehow able to anticipate or feel when they are thinking of us.
Between me and him, we always had it since the first time we met. We weren’t that good friends yet when told me via msn that he had a weird dream around 5 in the morning about how much he hated the people in the office and the only likeable person left there was me.
Believe it or not, at that same moment, I was in the car with The Boyfriend, passing by his village. We came from Lucena and we had to pass by Alabang.
At around 5 am, I was sleepily looking at the car window, wondering if he was at work or he was at home. I even made a mental note to ask him where he parks his car in the office building.
We had several weird “connections” like that. I’m just glad to find out that across the distance, we didn’t lose it.
In one intimate conversation that we had, he said there must be a reason why we met. We might not realize it now, but we will find out in the course of time.
I don’t even have to wait for that moment to come. I’m just glad that he’s still there.
Yes, we still have it. That uncanny vibes when we are thinking of each other.
This morning, as I was plying Jupiter Street going to my office, I thought of The Buddy.
It’s been more than a week since we last talked. I had to text him. I asked how he was doing.
He replied: “Funny, I just thought of calling you.”
I texted again, told him it would be best to talk during the weekends. My sched is really tight during workdays.
Until now, it leaves me wondering how we reach a certain level of connection with a person that we are somehow able to anticipate or feel when they are thinking of us.
Between me and him, we always had it since the first time we met. We weren’t that good friends yet when told me via msn that he had a weird dream around 5 in the morning about how much he hated the people in the office and the only likeable person left there was me.
Believe it or not, at that same moment, I was in the car with The Boyfriend, passing by his village. We came from Lucena and we had to pass by Alabang.
At around 5 am, I was sleepily looking at the car window, wondering if he was at work or he was at home. I even made a mental note to ask him where he parks his car in the office building.
We had several weird “connections” like that. I’m just glad to find out that across the distance, we didn’t lose it.
In one intimate conversation that we had, he said there must be a reason why we met. We might not realize it now, but we will find out in the course of time.
I don’t even have to wait for that moment to come. I’m just glad that he’s still there.
Tuesday, September 30, 2003
Blessed to be stressed
I have been stressing and fussing over some of my to-dos for 2 weeks now. Of course, I’ve been ranting and grumbling and using The Boyfriend as a sounding board. The Buddy wasn’t exempted from my litanies as well.
The Buddy and I have been texting back and forth about how hard it is to wake up at 5:30 in the morning to be in the office by 8, yada yada yada. The Buddy’s work schedule back here was at 6am so I used to wake him up at 4 or 5.
So I didn’t get much moral support. I actually got more reprimands. There goes my 10 pesos per text message.
The Boyfriend, on the other hand, gave me a new mantra. Whenever I feel so bummed about my never-ending tasks, he told me to tell myself:
“I am blessed to be stressed.”
Nung una hindi ko ma-gets. Not because I am slow, but because work is really tougher now. I dream of it, wake up in the middle of the night thinking of opening a branch and remembering the exact colors of the store outlet. Admittedly, I dread going to the office sometimes because of the pressure.
I have several big pimples on my face. My period is delayed. I have dark circles under my eyes. Or sometimes I go to the office with puffy Garfield eyes for the lack of sleep.
It can’t be my new foundation that’s causing my pimples. It’s non-comedogenic. As for my period, I’ve been celibate and it’s highly unlikely for me to be another case of Immaculate Conception.
These are all signs of stress.
So pano ako naging blessed to be stressed?!?!?!
It only dawned on me when The Boyfriend also got so annoyed by my ranting and rambling. Baka daw kaka-reklamo ko, bawiin sa akin ni God lahat ng blessings na binigay nya.
Tama nga naman.
I asked – no, begged – for this job to be mine. I asked Him to give this to me so I can prove what I can do.
At 25, nandito na ako. And if I succeed in making and implementing the bizplan, I would have reached my self-imposed target. Doing so, I would have reached the apex of my career.
THUS, two years from now, I could get married already. Kahit ako pa ang mag-propose sa kanya!
So ano nga naman ang nire-reklamo at ine-emote ko?!?!?!
This is what I asked for Him to grant me: a new and challenging job that is right for me with a very good boss and mentor.
And true enough: Ask and it shall be given to you.
Binigay naman, eh.
Moral lesson of the story: Most of the time we are given the things and opportunities we ask from God. But He never said the road to these blessings and opportunities is easy. Perhaps it’s a bit hard for us to get there so we will rejoice in the triumph and appreciate His gift more.
Ganda, di ba?
I have been stressing and fussing over some of my to-dos for 2 weeks now. Of course, I’ve been ranting and grumbling and using The Boyfriend as a sounding board. The Buddy wasn’t exempted from my litanies as well.
The Buddy and I have been texting back and forth about how hard it is to wake up at 5:30 in the morning to be in the office by 8, yada yada yada. The Buddy’s work schedule back here was at 6am so I used to wake him up at 4 or 5.
So I didn’t get much moral support. I actually got more reprimands. There goes my 10 pesos per text message.
The Boyfriend, on the other hand, gave me a new mantra. Whenever I feel so bummed about my never-ending tasks, he told me to tell myself:
“I am blessed to be stressed.”
Nung una hindi ko ma-gets. Not because I am slow, but because work is really tougher now. I dream of it, wake up in the middle of the night thinking of opening a branch and remembering the exact colors of the store outlet. Admittedly, I dread going to the office sometimes because of the pressure.
I have several big pimples on my face. My period is delayed. I have dark circles under my eyes. Or sometimes I go to the office with puffy Garfield eyes for the lack of sleep.
It can’t be my new foundation that’s causing my pimples. It’s non-comedogenic. As for my period, I’ve been celibate and it’s highly unlikely for me to be another case of Immaculate Conception.
These are all signs of stress.
So pano ako naging blessed to be stressed?!?!?!
It only dawned on me when The Boyfriend also got so annoyed by my ranting and rambling. Baka daw kaka-reklamo ko, bawiin sa akin ni God lahat ng blessings na binigay nya.
Tama nga naman.
I asked – no, begged – for this job to be mine. I asked Him to give this to me so I can prove what I can do.
At 25, nandito na ako. And if I succeed in making and implementing the bizplan, I would have reached my self-imposed target. Doing so, I would have reached the apex of my career.
THUS, two years from now, I could get married already. Kahit ako pa ang mag-propose sa kanya!
So ano nga naman ang nire-reklamo at ine-emote ko?!?!?!
This is what I asked for Him to grant me: a new and challenging job that is right for me with a very good boss and mentor.
And true enough: Ask and it shall be given to you.
Binigay naman, eh.
Moral lesson of the story: Most of the time we are given the things and opportunities we ask from God. But He never said the road to these blessings and opportunities is easy. Perhaps it’s a bit hard for us to get there so we will rejoice in the triumph and appreciate His gift more.
Ganda, di ba?
Friday, September 26, 2003
Passing the initiation
Today, I opened my first satellite branch.
I made it through, despite the lack of papers, permits and funds. I somehow managed to find all those with the help of some angels around here.
One of the supervisors said it might have been one of the CEO's tests to find out if I can do it.
Hah. I did it.
And I'm hoping I'd still deliver the next ones.
Back to my other projects.
Today, I opened my first satellite branch.
I made it through, despite the lack of papers, permits and funds. I somehow managed to find all those with the help of some angels around here.
One of the supervisors said it might have been one of the CEO's tests to find out if I can do it.
Hah. I did it.
And I'm hoping I'd still deliver the next ones.
Back to my other projects.
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
Lessons on resourcefulness and being Miss Congeniality personified
It's only my 3rd week here but I am running to and fro - mind you - in my new 3.5 inches high heels - from my office to Megamall then back to my office.
In 3 days, my primary mandate is to open a small outlet in a mall as a satellite branch. No assigned sales staff yet, no merchandise.
You think that's it?
I need to ingress before this week ends and the lease papers are not yet signed! The signatory will be here by Thursday but there should be a memo from other signatories who happen to be out of the country that the lease needs to be signed.
I'm rambling.
Wow - so kailangan ko ngayong mag-milagro na mapirmahan ang kontrata at makakuha ng deposit para mabuksan yung branch.
Thank God there are people in the office who take pity on me and who are geniunely concerned. They promised to help me find my signatories abroad.
Aside from all that stress, I am having fun. Contrary to initial impressions, people started warming up to me by half of the second week. I now car-pool with a manager-friend every morning so we can both save money on gas and parking.
How can they turn a very nice, friendly girl down? *blink* *blink*
And this morning, someone gave me taho for breakfast.
Kewl.
It's only my 3rd week here but I am running to and fro - mind you - in my new 3.5 inches high heels - from my office to Megamall then back to my office.
In 3 days, my primary mandate is to open a small outlet in a mall as a satellite branch. No assigned sales staff yet, no merchandise.
You think that's it?
I need to ingress before this week ends and the lease papers are not yet signed! The signatory will be here by Thursday but there should be a memo from other signatories who happen to be out of the country that the lease needs to be signed.
I'm rambling.
Wow - so kailangan ko ngayong mag-milagro na mapirmahan ang kontrata at makakuha ng deposit para mabuksan yung branch.
Thank God there are people in the office who take pity on me and who are geniunely concerned. They promised to help me find my signatories abroad.
Aside from all that stress, I am having fun. Contrary to initial impressions, people started warming up to me by half of the second week. I now car-pool with a manager-friend every morning so we can both save money on gas and parking.
How can they turn a very nice, friendly girl down? *blink* *blink*
And this morning, someone gave me taho for breakfast.
Kewl.
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