Minus a hundred bitch points, but…

No matter how many times I watch “My Best Friend’s Wedding,” I still cry buckets of tears when Dermot Mulroney sings “The Way You Look Tonight” to Julia Roberts while they dance in the boat as it crosses under a bridge. Or when Julia finally concedes that she lost her to another girl (Cameron Diaz), when she delivers her wedding spiel as the maid of honor and when Dermot finally says goodbye to her at the wedding reception.

Why?

1. I’ve always felt that this will happen to me – that I will lose someone I truly love to someone else because I have taken him/her for granted; only realizing the person’s real worth and my true feelings when they’re almost gone;

2. I could relate to Julia Roberts’ concoction of evil plans, machinations and manipulations to steal her guy best friend from the fiance’. Oh yeah – even if what it takes is for me to ruin or stop a wedding before the actual day or even at that same day. Yep, I think I am capable of doing just that.

3. I could very well relate to having another guy best friend – a gay one – the so called “fag of my life,” who will help me create a whole fiasco to get the guy back.

4. I could fully empathize with at first wanting to get the ex-boyfriend cum best friend back because I want to prove that – hell yeah – I am THE woman in his life. The only one at that. But at the end of it all, I might be able to do something that crazy because I love the guy.

5. Lastly, I think I am the guy best friend’s Jel-O. He may think he wants crème brulee, but the fact is, he really want’s Jel-O. He’s comfortable with Jel-O. And crème brulee, will NEVER be Jel-O.

Although Dermot married Cameron and they did end up together, I created my own version of the movie. That Dermot will realize that the all-sugar-and-spice-and-everything-nice Cameron is just too sweet it’s too annoying. They get divorced and Dermot comes running back to Julia.

Hah.

Maybe it’s not minus a hundred bitch points after all.

Grrrrr moments

My entire day was spent waiting.

Waiting for 7 friggin' hours in a government office for a clearance that could have been made in just an hour.

Waiting for one boss to make up his mind and sign one of my contracts. In a day, there were 3 revisions in the dang contract which have already been revised 5 times over a period of 6 months. And they want me to reach my targets of store openings for the entire year.

Putang ina.

Waiting for another boss for my team's cash reimbursements and for the decision to roll out another store opening.

Waiting... and waiting for me to reach my team's targets so I could bargain a raise - which I know is a loooong shot.

Sometimes, I can't help but mull over my career options. All the aggravations, the stress and the pressure are not proportionate to my compensation. At the end of the day, I can't help but feel that this is all not fuckin' worth it.

Two more long semesters to go and I'll be getting my Master's degree. From there, I can already device a contingency plan. Where I'm going, what I really want to do.

Minsan tuloy, I'm already getting tempted to accept The Boyfriend's offer to fly to Sydney and just live a quiet life there being a stay-at-home wife cum mom with a consultancy on the side.

Hey, I love being the on-the-go career girl that I have been for the past 7 years. But right now, I am not sure if I am in the right place. I know there is something better OUT there.

Calling all my friends who have job openings and vacancies. Yuhooooo! I'm over here!

Summer wishlist

I'm back from my vacation. Barely 30 minutes in Metro Manila, I could already feel the heat getting into me. Mainit na naman ang ulo ko --- thinking of my long list of to-dos at work. Not to mention one more paper that I have to finish for school. Aaaarg. When will all this be over?

Anyway, to make myself feel better and with the escapist in me trying to let loose, I browsed through my favorite online shopping sites and found these yummy eye candies. The cool colors would just make you chill!

And if after a week I'd still feel exhausted from Manila's scorching heat, I will treat myself with some retail therapy. Woohoo!

1. Jelly Kelly bag



2. Guess blue vinyl shades



3. Guess gradient turqoise watch

Baby-sitter jitters

I just hired a new employee two weeks ago. I don't know if it's just me with very high expectations, but I feel like I'm baby-sitting!

Last week, he mismatched order forms which of course led to mismatched deliveries in the warehouse. It was a good thing that I double-checked the invoices. Otherwise, we would have sent out the wrong products to the wrong stores.

Jovan, I feel like I'm strolling down memory lane here. Remember when you used to complain about someone spacing out right smack in the middle of a work day? I can totally relate to that now!

What's actually worse is that he is so caught up in his own world that he won't go beyond his tasks. You have to tell him what to do. I don't like pencil-pushing and checking up on him every step of the way drained my energy. It feels like I aged five years in two weeks.

I don't think my Vitamin C and E skin reviving products could ever catch up with the years I lost training him.


Happy, happy, joy, joy!

At least we have a five-day recluse because of the Holy Week. Thank, God I live in a predominantly Catholic country! This is one of the very rare moments I am grateful that I live in the Philippines.

I'm going to Sentosa for three days. That's a much-needed, well-deserved break right there.


Not your on-call party girl

To you, Mr. Big Shot: I'm not your 24/7 party girl who you can call anytime you want to go out and get wasted. You lost the direct line a long time ago.

Had you been - at the very least - consistent and considerate, we could have had the most fun times and the best parties together.

Too bad you were an asshole.

Pardon my french.


Sleepless in Seattle

You know who you are. This is a tribute to you.

Thank you.

For making me feel better. For listening. For the letters that made me smile. For making me breeze through stressful days at work.

For sharing.

For you.

Weekender pop quiz

This is just a passing thought as I was driving in EDSA today:

In the advent of the Internet and mobile phone, having an illicit affair has become much more convenient and a whole lot easier.

So I was asking myself,

- While you are inside a committed relationship and you are flirting with someone on the Internet through chatting and email (ala You've Got Mail), is that considered straying?

- In the same manner that if you are having phone sex with someone, does that mean you already slept with him/her and you actually cheated on your partner?

Some people would argue that it's still cheating because there is a third party involved and that party shares something intimate with you while you are inside a relationship. On the other hand, others would say it's the safest thing since technically, you did not really sleep with the person.

Wow-talk about blurring the boundaries. Technology does have a way of making our lives more complicated.

My stand on this - actually, I haven't really given it much thought. But I guess the bottomline is, no affair would be consummated if you are contented with who you are currently with. Carrying on an illicit affair never crossed my mind if I am happy and currently in nirvana with someone. So I think an affair fills up a void in people's romantic relationships that have turned stale or sour.

What's news?

On the Archer - epilogue

Hah. He couldn't stand not texting or talking to me. So he finally did. But finally, too, I came to my senses. No friend would blow me off at the first sign of threat or danger.

When he tried to get in touch with me again, I definitely gave it to him. With finality, I said let's stop the charade. If we can't trust each other then let's stop sharing ourselves in friendship.

Talk about dropping someone like a hot patatas. I still texted him one last message -- one last hoorah. And I finally closed it.


Reunion rave

I ended up going to the reunion after all. Actually, I texted Ryan and attempted to bail out at the last minute. But he gave me a dose of emotional blackmail --- "how could you, this is a one-time thing? Yada-yada-yada..." and hang up the phone on me. I was trying to call him back but he wouldn't answer. Drama king!

So I went at half-past 10. Ryan was at the door of District so after parking, I hugged him. With puppy-dog eyes, I begged him, "Bati na tayo." Hahaha! How can he not forgive?

I had a blast at the party and I'm so glad I went. I saw old friends, ex-girlfriends, ex-boyfriends. There was a lot of booze, dancing and flirting with high school puppy loves. No, I didn't get my share. I spent a lot of time with an ex-girlfriend - but just to update each other on what's happening in our lives.

Ang saya-saya! The party ended at 4am. We stopped by Rufo's for an early breakfast. I ended up going home at 6am. It was so much fun that a lot of the guys who went wanted another round of drinks this Saturday.


Web get-together

Speaking of reunions and Saturday night-out, Goy organized a Web reunion. I am going to see The Family again. I'm excited. I miss them so much. I miss the huddle area, the Monday update meetings with Jesse, Liza's mentoring.

Although I am getting the hang of it here at work already, I don't think I will ever get to work with another team like them. Best team I ever had. Willing ako pa-demote just to be with them again. As long as my paycheck won't get demoted, too!

Friendivas

Belated happy birthday, Emer and Romy!

The Buddy will be celebrating his on the 17th. Dude, miss na miss na kita. Sana may pasalubong from Mexico. Kahit burrito, tabla na.

Chegay has a blogger na! Chegay, can I link you already?

Reunion blahs

This coming Saturday is our 2nd high school reunion. I don't know why I feel like I'm not up for it.

This sounds bad, pero tinatamad ako.

I feel that the get-together lacks sincerity. Reunions are supposed to bring back the good ol' memories of hanging out in the gym while waiting for our cars and school buses, running down the corridors of the old building, boy and girl watching.

But I get this feeling that all that's going to happen there is people bragging about themselves - what car they're driving, who they're currently with, what job they're in right now.

Well, I didn't turn out pretty bad myself. In fact, I like where I am right now.

It's just that I want to be there for the reunion - for its real intent and purpose - to catch up and see old faces that I sometimes miss.

Let's see what's going to happen.

I wonder if my first love is going to show up.

Writer’s block

I haven’t been blogging because

1. I was out of town. I went to Lipa and Dagupan.
2. I was busy looking at Friendster profiles.
3. More importantly, I don’t have anything to write about! Seriously, I couldn’t think of anything significant.

It’s another weekend, so here are some interesting turn of events:

Finding someone, finally

A very good friend of mine finally found a girlfriend! After 25 years of single-blessedness that felt like eternity, this brother already found his girl.

What can I say? Bro, I am very happy for you. You know who you are. I want to mention you here but I’m not sure if I’m allowed to already.

Thank you for coming to me for advice, too. I am flattered.


Happy Women’s month!

Several months ago, The Archer caught my ire because he popped a question that I felt was very offensive to me – as a woman, as a person.

Yes, he knows I went out with women. We clinically discussed what goes on in my head, how I feel about it, why I am attracted to them.

After that very sensitive self-disclosure, he asked me --- of course, jokingly, if we could have a threesome.

I am already used to this – asked by a lot of guy friends all the time. It has been a quintessential question that I have learned to brush off. Some men, horny toads as they are --- will always think with their heads down there.

What made it worse was that he REPEATEDLY asked and the context was more of – if he could be lucky to get away with it, he would!

His ignorance cum arrogance even brought him to argue --- having a threesome is just a few notches above being a lesbian.

I swear, when I heard this I wanted the earth to swallow him whole!

I had to retort – does this mean if you can kill a fly you can kill a person?

Para sa mga lalakeng ganito mag-isip, sana itinuturo sa paaralan nila ang paggalang sa babae at sa kung anuman o sinumang tao ang piliin nilang makasama o makaniig sa buhay. Babae man o lalake.

Saan nga ba siya nag-aral?

Sa Ateneo lang naman.


Who said life is fair?

For 2-3 weeks, I was fuming mad I was plotting to murder him. When I was already a bit more pacified, I was now only set in conniving to arrange him a threesome with a bisexual acquaintance who has been into threesomes, foursomes, what-have-you, drugs and alcohol and another girl who is preferably positive with an STD.

He knows he totally pissed me off.

But he knows how to pacify my wrath.

Nanligaw in short. He was nicer, he extended himself.

Since I don’t like bearing grudges, I decided to become friends again. Benefit of the daw.

Things went smoothly from there. We became friends again – we talked about anything and everything under the sun.

Yesterday, however, was a 180 degrees turn. It was my turn to hit his sensitive cord.

What did I do?

People don’t know we know each other, see each other, much less hang out and talk about very sensitive things.

Yesterday, he made me think he accidentally “outed” me as a bisexual to one of my staff who happens to be very homophobic. I knew he was kidding.

You want psychological warfare – I’ll give you just that.

I told him I’m not very worried since I told that same person that we see each other, hang out and get drunk at some occasions. So what else should I hide?

That was a sensitive cord.

He FREAKED OUT.

I tried to pacify him. It was nothing but a big dumb joke that he started in the first place.

I did apologize – three times. Quota na sa pangatlo.

Until now he’s giving me the cold shoulder and I don’t know until when this is going to last. I think I have already extended myself. If he won’t budge – laglagan na lang sa ere.

Such is the predicament of people with skeletons in the closet.

Moral lesson of the story:

Be careful in pulling pranks off, the joke might just be on you.

Another moral lesson:

You can't expect to get the same level of understanding and forgiveness you extended to someone.

So what comes next?

Have you ever had an experience where you were so attracted to someone that you practically placed him on a pedestal? You feel like there is NOTHING – and absolutely NO ONE – that will come close to the person. You think that everything and EVERYONE else would pale in comparison.

The raw feeling of melting when you see him, of your knees getting wobbly, of becoming goo-goo eyes with the mere sight of him like you were back in high school ogling at your teenage crush, of feeling the butterflies flitting in your stomach, of your heart thumping and feeling like it’s in your throat – all of which make you feel happy, intoxicated, sad, hurt and crazy all at the same time.

Though normally this isn’t you, the schizophrenic-like state is something that you open yourself up to.

But what if afterwards you see something – a flaw, a quirk – on the person that creates a chip on the pedestal? And you discover some more: quirk after quirk that annoys you, flaw after flaw that you realize you couldn’t possibly put up with?

What happens to the pedestal when it crumbles down?

Dark, dirty, sexual thoughts

This afternoon, I spoke to The Buddy. Thus, this blog.

We talked about sex.

Getting laid.

Sleeping with someone.

Your usual garden variety of exchanging bodily fluids.

It was actually more of an intellectual discourse about the difference between men and women in terms of having sex.

As I was telling him, men can get away with sleeping with women without emotional attachment. Although some women can already get away with it -- having sex like men -- sans the emotional hoolabaloo, most women still go to bed with emotional baggages.

We ended up rationalizing the cliche' "Men give love to get sex, while women give sex to get love."

I think it still comes from our double-standard - that it's okay for men to philander and that women should restrain themselves from their sexual urges.

Being hailed from a conservative exclusive Catholic school, I was even taught that making out is evil, that we will go to hell if we do.

Hellooooo!

Believe me, I went through self-righteous, hypocritical sermons like that in high school.

This must be the reason why I rejoiced when Sex and the City was born - where women can say blow-jobs and cunnilingus out loud.

It's not that I advocate sleeping around. In fact, I don't. But I'd be lying if I say I've never toyed with the idea of sleeping with someone just because I want to.

And I want to break free of the double-standard.

Men are being men if they sleep around.

Women who do are whores and sluts.

Pare-pareho lang tayong tao.

Moving forward

Right now, I'm wishing things didn't have to change between us.

If you listened...

Or at the very least, if you tried to reach out...

We would have turned out fine.

The loathe of my life

Somewhere in the deep, dark crevices of my mind and my soul, I miss HIM.

Con, one of my friends, asked me why exactly I do.

I miss the conversations, the text messages. The attention.

I miss the flirtation. I miss HIM.

To be very objective about it, I am probably yearning for Him since it was an unfinished conquest.


Solved mystery about the dang donuts

Speaking of conquests...

I finally mustered enough patience to line up and get two dozens of assorted donuts at Go Nuts Donuts.

The Politician picked me up in my gym at past 6 last Saturday. I begged him to go with me to The Fort and line up for the much sought-after pastry.

My take on it: The donuts were very tasty. The dough was soft and moist. I loved the peanut butter, pastillas de leche, strawberry and chocolate.

BUT: They weren't really worth lining up for almost an hour.

The Politician even chided: "Bat ang haba ng pila? Magkaka-orgasm ba tayo after tasting this?"

Oh well - if it would make me then I'm buying three friggin' dozens!

Tama si Mira. The donuts were, well, donuts.

Yep, they weren't orgasmic but better than the others.

Wala lang

There are some things that we know we want but we also know we can't have.

Or sometimes, we want something so badly just because we know we can't have it.

Or when we've already gotten something we thought we wanted, we'd realize it's not what we really want.

Hmmm... gulo ba?

Happy weekend, guys!

Status update

The Politician

Introducing a new character in my life...

Actually, it's more of a resurrection. The Politician is a friend from college. He comes from a political family somewhere down south. I met him when I was about to graduate already and was working in Malacanang at the same time.

We hit it off immediately because of one common denominator: political issues. About FVR, the pork barrel, elections, etc.

I'm not sure if we went out with each other. He took me out to dinner, the one at the Westin poolside being the most memorable. We would talk for hours. If that's how "going out" is defined, then perhaps we did.

He was actually kidding that he needed an Evita (Peron) in his life and would like someone who is well-versed in social issues. Duh! Hint-hint!

We made a pact that when he decides that it's his turn to run for office, he would look for me (in case we grow apart) and hire me as a campaign consultant.

Just like some other friendships that drift apart, we did. We didn't speak to each other for 5 (or was it 6?) years.

Last week, I got the surprise of my life when he texted me and asked me how I am. He called my Mom's house, introduced himself to Mom and got my contact numbers. Being the charming politico, my Mom liked him even before so he really didn't have a hard time asking for my digits and where I now live.

We met up over the weekend to catch up. Apparently, he is now running this coming elections! And the reason why he sought me out was because of that really childish pact to tell me about it. He is also asking me if I still have enough time on my hands to be some sort of campaign consultant.

Plus... he hinted that he is single and available. Hmmm.. I guess on the lookout for his Evita.



On The Archer

The Archer and I are in speaking terms once again. But this time, the messages and the conversations are both polite and calculating - sometimes convivial especially when there are other people around.

My take on the progression of the relationship: we could have been great friends if he took time to get to know me instead of trying too hard to get into my pants.

[Dirty thought on my head: Or he could have gotten into my pants if he allowed our friendship to grow first. Mwahahahah. Just a dirty thought.]

I'm toying with the idea of forgiving (but hell, not forgetting) and giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Or should I?


On The Buddy

The Buddy's cousin died last week. The cousin was fatally shot twice in a brawl in San Francisco. He was devastated, but trying to cope.

Despite the hysteria, he managed to coordinate with the police and fix his cousin's stuff. He is really very cerebral. Galing talaga.

And I am moved that when it happened, he sought me out to let me know and to tell me how he feels.



About the job

I decided that it's premature to find a new job right now. Barely on my 6th month, it won't look good if I resign and leave all my projects hanging. I'll try to make things work and reach my targets, despite the bureaucracy.

Tin is such a big help! I would have aged twenty years had she not joined my team.

When I have opened my target branches, that's when I will decide if this is all worth it.

Much ado about donuts

People are really going nuts about this Go Nuts Donuts store at The Fort.

Last night, I was with The Boyfriend's clan (yes, CLAN because there were more than 50 relatives there). We had dinner at Dencio's and I played with the cute nephew at the mini golf course at Par 43.

Aaron, The Boyfriend's brother, went with me to the donut store because I wanted to buy and taste the very much fussed and raved about donuts. There was a loooooooooong line for it, alright. Like if Aaron and I even dared to line up as well, we would probably be the 107th.

Oh well - I'd rather play with the cute nephew so I turned back. Forget it.

But I am still very much intrigued. What's up with the long line, man?!?

So when The Boyfriend found out about it, he said he's going to get me for Valentine's, though we don't celebrate it. Pipila na lang daw sha, madaling araw pa lang para una kami. Aaaaaaw.

If anyone has tasted the donuts at Go Nuts Donuts, can you please tell me why people are crazy about it? Or is this just another Zagu phenomenon?

Today's learnings

1. Bring retainer kit so retainer won't get lost. Yes, I lost it again for the second time - all in a month's time. Darn!

2. When you can't say anything good, just shut the hell up.

3. Sometimes, there are things that will NEVER have closure. You just have to close it yourself. Let things be.

4. When you despise someone, you don't even have to concoct evil plans in your convoluted mind. Fate has its own way of balancing things out. Pare, what goes around comes around.

5. It's possible to hate and like someone at the same time.

6. In the same manner, it is possible to love someone you don't even like.

7. You don't have to go the extra mile to prove to someone you are nice. If you really are, people would know, they would notice.

8. Sometimes we try too hard to be nice to people who don't even matter and take those who are really significant to us for granted.

9. Lesbian politics is something that chauvinistic men will NEVER understand. There's no use explaining or justifying it.

Happy weekend, shiny happy people!

Happy ending

Despite all the stress at work, I think this week is gonna turn out fine. Whether I will be staying or not is still pretty much unclear. But of course, I am preparing my logistics already.

Tomorrow - Saturday afternoon - I will spend it car-shopping. Yep, you read it right. This is probably my 2nd big purchase as an adult, next to the apartment and all the expenses I incurred to furnish it.

I'll take things one day at a time. Ang dami ko ngang branded beauty products at nagtatrabaho nga ako for a famous brand of cosmetics, puro wrinkles at eyebags naman ako sa ka-imbiyernahan.

Duh - there's gotta be more to my life than this!

Don't make me

Today, I activated my online job file.

And today, I am almost at the end of my rope already.

Everyday, the bosses are changing the system, terms and conditions. Ako at si Tin ang nawawalan ng mukhang ihaharap sa klieyente. Nasa basurahan na ang kredibilidad at integridad namin pareho.

I've never done it before - walk away from a job without other options.

Oh, well - there's a first time for everything.

Sana lang wag na kong mapikon nang tuluyan. Baka bigla ko na lang iwanan lahat ng gagawin dito at hindi na bumalik ulit sa sobrang kabuwisitan.

How do you calm an angry person again? Count 1-10?

1...2...3...

Chat Buddy

When we chatted this afternoon:

The Buddy: Oh before I forget, napanaginipan kita kagabi.

Me: Oh no. Anong sabi ng dream?

The Buddy: Nako very vivid.

Me: Like how vivid? Kwento.

The Buddy: You were wearin a plain white shirt with khaki pants. Sneakers ... you know .... the plain 'ol simple look.

Me: Hahaha - dream on, Dude. Panaginip nga yan.

The Buddy : We were in a room. I had my back against the window.

Me: Uuuuuuuuy - what did u do to me in the room? Excitiiiiiiiiiing.

The Buddy: And you were in front of me ... reaching over to close the blinds behind me.

Me: And ...

The Buddy: Tangina nagising na ko eh.

Me: Pucha - patawang kwento pala to eh.

The Buddy: But it really was like that.

Me: Nyeeeh - ano implication non?

The Buddy: Before that we were walking in the hallway ... i forgot how we ended up in that room ... you were trying to hide or something.


Walang-wala. Pati sa panaginip, bitin ang lahat.

Some things aren't really meant to be.

Dark justice

Hindi na nga kita sinisingil, tinawaran mo pa ang pagkatao ko.

Dude, you are in complete breach.

We operated on the basis of friendship, you cheating, lying, manipulative lecher.

You offended my sensibilities - as a woman, as a person.