A word, finally

It’s usual for me on a Saturday morning to rush going to work. Photo finish, as we call it. Last Saturday wasn’t any different. With my hair still towel-wrapped and as I was ransacking my closet for a casual top and a pair of jeans, my phone rang.

I didn’t want to answer it since it was peculiar for someone to be calling me at that time. 3, 4, 5 rings. What the heck. So I picked it up.

There wasn’t any cordial greeting on the other line. The guy just said “hello” excitedly several times, almost shouting.

I was so sure who it was but I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

The Buddy.

Finally!

After 4 months.

We stayed on the phone for a good half an hour, exchanging updates and plans. I’m leaving for Singapore next week so I’ve been very jittery about it, knowing that he could go home anytime this September.

Call me stupid, I was even toying with the idea of ditching Singapore. This is my first major presentation with all the Asia Pacific delegates. This is MY career! So slight nahimasmasan din ako.

It turns out, he has two options – this coming month or November. Either way, however, both months are toxic for me. There is another business trip coming in November.

However which way, I know I will do something to fix my schedule.

I won’t miss the chance. I don’t want to spend another year or so still wondering about it.

At least, not this time.

I barely made it to the office on time. I was putting on make-up while the traffic light was red. And I did beat the red light twice. A minute more and I would have been served a memo for being late.

Ask me if I cared. Hahaha!

The Pseudo-Boyfriend

Some girls call him the "Uhm Friend." As one blogger chica puts it, the Uhm Friend is that guy in your life that when you're asked who he is, your quintessential answer is, "He's, uhm, a friend of mine."

I call him the Pseudo-Boyfriend.

The Pseudo-Boyfriend is that cute guy in your life you want to hang out with or go to parties with. Definitely, there is tension between the two of you but he is not your boyfriend. You really don't want him to be, but still, you are attracted to him.

He adds spice to your life. He gives you that "kilig" factor. You talk to him every now and then, updating each other on what goes on in your lives. You check out new hole-in-the-wall restaurants together, watch movies or go to Timezone to play Time Crisis 3.

He is a friend. With benefits.

However, he is not The Fuck Buddy. That's another creature altogether.

Sometimes you kiss. Or you makeout. But you do not sleep with him. Either there is no chance or you don't want to take that giant leap.

He gives comfort and that warm, flushed feeling that you are cared for. That there is someone there for you.

You talk. But you do not bare your entire soul to him. Neither does he.

He is not the friend who you can be truly friends with.

You seldom, or NEVER talk about the other romantic partners in your life. Or if you are both aware that you are both in a relationship, your partners rarely make it to the conversation. You shun away the topic.

I think, at one point in their lives, a lot of women can relate to this. We've all had pseudo-boyfriends, one way or another.


Does The Buddy fit?

The term Pseudo-Boyfriend isn't actually an original of mine. Miguel, a former officemate, once taunted me that The Buddy was acting like one. He actually calls him "my" Pseudo-Boyfriend.

We stayed on the phone until the wee hours of the morning. We gave each other wake-up calls. We went out to watch movies. He used to drive me home.

BUT:

We never kissed. Neither did we EVER make-out.

Well, there was one weird incident inside the moviehouse (I refuse to divulge more details. Suffice it to say that what happened was still for General Patronage.). That freaked us both out.

No, he's not my Pseudo-Boyfriend.

He's probably going to stay as The Buddy.

A perennial friend.

The "We-may-never-know-what-we-have-or-what-could-have-been friend."

Now I need to find a new term for this.

Weekend Top 3

3 things I'm glad I did today
1. Spaced out to recharge.
2. Went out for coffee with the advertising execs.
3. Blogged.

3 things I'm sorry I did
1. Dropped my subject.
2. Texted The Archer Back. Grrr. Dapat hindi ko na sinagot!
3. Trusted some officemates with too much info.

3 milestones at work
1. Ironed out my advertising deals with the 2 major publications
2. Finished the September store look
3. Drafted my Christmas promo

3 gifts I got that made me feel I was appreciated
1. The dangling earrings from Yasmine and Jasmin
2. The bottle of shampoo with a gift card from James
3. The watch from The Boyfriend

3 favorite persons
1. CEO
2. That cute Advertising Exec
3. The Bestfriend

3 people I wanna kick or scream at when I see them
1. The former marketing manager
2. The former PR officer
3. The Archer

3 news I really felt bad about
1. Celia's breakup
2. The chismis from the former PR officer
3. Oil price hike

Happy weekend, honeys!

Blog bug

I've been bitten by the blog bug! I'm supposed to draft my preliminary marketing plan, but decided to space out. Heck - if they want my creative juices to flow, I need a damn break too, you know!

Yesterday marked our 2 years and 11 months. As some sort of prequel to the 3rd year anniversary celebration and some sort of hoorah party (after what we've been through for the past months, hell yeah, we deserve it!), The Boyfriend gave me this:



Wow. I was so touched. Last weekend, I was looking for a sports watch for myself - something I could use when I go to the gym. I didn't like the new Nike Presto because I was scared that it's way too easy for snatchers to just yank it off my wrist (goodbye, 4 thousand!).

I didn't ask The Boyfriend to buy me anything so until now, I can't help but feel "aaaaaaaaaaaw" about it. It was sensitive of him to have bought the watch for me. By the way, this is also the 3rd watch he's already given as a gift. 3rd watch on the 3rd year. Hmmm. Nice. But was he also implying that my time is running out? Tick-tock, tick-tock. Hahaha!


New monicker

Oh, The Boyfriend has earned a monicker among my friends. Some of them would ask over dinner, "So how's The Banker?"

Jovan calls him Bankero. Ang pangit!


Sending feelers

The Archer sent an sms last night asking how I am, if I am still alive and if I still remember him.

Helluuuuur.

Can we have enough of that already?

Bumenta na 'yan.

Post-sabbatical notes

More than a month of not blogging.

It seemed like a longer time for me. I got used to this blog as my sounding board whenever I wanted to rant about something. But things have been very busy for the past month. I barely had time to breathe, what more to write.

So what just happened?

1. I got promoted. Higher post, higher pay. But work is thrice as hard. I work 12-15 hours a day on the average. My skin breakout will atest to that.

2. I dropped out of school. Surprised? Yep, I did. It's suicide not to give something up, what with my new schedule. I haven't formally submitted my dropping papers and I am still toying with the idea of keeping my thesis subject, if it's not yet too late.

3. I hired another former ABSi officemate. I think I've mastered the art of luring my brilliant and talented former officemates into joining me into my current company. But I'm really very glad Yasmine is with me now.

4. The Archer left. We had a last hoorah gig 3 weeks before he left. It was a validation of what I already know. He was a mere infatuation I am now very over with.

Life is pretty much the same. Only, it gets harder and harder each new day.

Though I think I'm nearing the realization of my personal legend, it's also making me realize the higher price I have to pay for it. It's like fate telling me - you want more, then you have to give more. Worse, you just might have to give all.

What a day!

In the morning, I was woken up by my building's security guard. I needed to move my car from the parking lot. I drove around and couldn't find any so I had to go to my folks' house just to park! Damn it.

I had lunch with two girlfriends at Uno in Tomas Morato. On my way to ABS-CBN to visit old friends, I was too fast when I turned left so I hit the cab right in front of me. To avoid further hassle, I had to pay him the damages right there. There goes my shopping money. My car had no dent, but suffered minor scratches. Nothing that a rubbing compound couldn't handle, Jovan said. Still, it was kinda hassle and traumatic.

Sometimes I can't help but think that my life was less complicated when I was just hailing a cab. But then again, I love Fed and it's also convenient not to be stuck in the malls during sale periods or when it's raining and cab drivers would charge you P150 from Glorietta to Pasong Tamo!

Weekend Top 3

Top 3 thoughts in my head right now
1. My alleged promotion and movement to another business unit and how this is so freaking me out right now.
2. If this is still all worth it - The Boyfriend and I. I am losing the incentive to try to make things work.
3. It is possible to find a platonic, yet very strong connection to someone you barely know and bare your soul to the person.

3 predominant emotions as of this moment
1. Angry.
2. Excited.
3. Scared.

3 most influential men in my life
1. My boss - the CEO. He is such an inspiration. I feel lucky to have a mentor like him.
2. The Bad Boy - he makes me see friendship in a fresh light. Made me realize that I should give some people the benefit of the doubt without having to remove all cynicism and skepticism altogether.
3. The Archer - he made me realize a lot of things about myself. That I am still capable of a drastic paradigm shift. That I am tougher than I thought I was. That I can be REALLY evil.

3 most influential women in my life
1. Mom.
2. Grandmom.
3. My boss-to-be, the GM.

These 3 women have a lot of common denominators.

3 major realizations
1. Real friends will give it to you - tell you what you did wrong and what is fucked up with you. They will tell you in-your-face if they really are your friends. Consequently, that I don't consider those who can't as friends after all.
2. That in life, sometimes it is better not to quit. That you have to deal with the hand that you've been given, the cards that you've been dealt with.
3. That I still care about what other people think about me. That despite that I-don't-give-a-rat's-ass attitude, I can still be bothered by presumptions and mis/conceptions about me. BUT: that at the end of the day, the only opinions that matter most are those from people I truly care about. The rest of them can all go to hell for all I care (sorry I had to let that one out).

Top 3 things I thought I couldn't put up with but did
1. Player friends who are honest with me about their escapades.
2. Acceptance of the idea that yes, sometimes sex is just sex. It can happen even with the absence of emotional attachment.
3. Bosses who throw a fit and throw their weight around.

Top 3 dealbreakers
1. Dishonesty
2. Taking things for granted
3. Emotional unavailability

Just between friends

Sex is the fastest way to ruin a friendship. Or something to that effect; from Reality Bites.

No matter how good and steadfast your friendship is, sex has a way of changing how things are. When you've already crossed the line, there is no way to turn things around. No way of going back.

What's actually worse is jumping into it when the friendship is at its earliest stage and when it's just about to prove and unfold itself. Talk about pre-empting something that could have been a strong allegiance that would have been for the long haul.

And yes, no matter how logical and cerebral some of us would want to be, the temptation to cross the border is just too tempting.

So there goes another one... inevitably biting the dust.

Existentialist woes

Here I am, waxing philosophical again...

Honeypie was so surprised that I was also having the same exact sentiments right now - asking myself what I'm really supposed to do, what my personal legend is and how I'm going to find it.

When I was younger I wanted to go to law school. Oh yeah, I still do, but my time couldn't afford it. If I quit my job, I would have all the time but would not have the money for it.

Talking to Rich - a lawyer friend - was actually very inspiring. She started law school when she was 27 or 28. She said it's not yet too late for me.

But then again, there are a lot of things and projects in the offing for me. I am two semesters away from getting my Masters. I might leave for Sydney a year from now. At this point, the tides can take me just about anywhere.

I made a compromise with myself that if I don't leave for Sydney, I will move heaven and earth to go to law school.

Let's see how things go...

Loud and proud!

Last Monday, I-Witness featured the "Pink Peso," arguing whether this already exists. For those who are not very familiar with the lingo, pink peso is the money spent by gays and lesbians and their behavior with regard to expenditures.

In short, ano ang pinagkakagastusan ng mga lesbyana at bakla sa Pilipinas?

The conclusion of the docu is that there is already an emerging "pale pink peso." It's not as significant yet, but it can not be ignored anymore. A major indication would be the proliferation of exclusive bars catering to them - Bed, Blue Bar, Boysie's. I was able to party and hang out in the first ever exclusive for girls bar in Wilsons.

The gays have successfully veered away from their 1980s parlorista image, what with a lot of gay men coming out of the closet. These gay men are artists, professionals and businessmen who do not have children so they don't need to worry about tuition fees and what-have-yous. The same thing is true for lesbians.

In fact, most lesbians who do not have families to support have a lot of money to spend on their luxuries. I have a lot of lesbian friends who are lawyers, doctors, managers and executives who do not bat an eyelash spending P1,500 per night out.

Most definitely, this is an emerging market.

I'm very proud of these people who were able to dispel their 80s-90s stereotype of screaming fags or tibong mukha na talagang lalake.

See you guys at the White Party and the Pink Festival!

In full circle

I dreamt about you last night. In my dream, I was missing you terribly, wondering how you are now. I called all our friends, looking for you, taking my chance if they have heard from you after you went in the bootcamp.

Nothing.

I got more worried. I sensed that something was wrong. I need to know how you are.

Amidst the frenzy, my phone rang. It was you. You sounded anxious on the other line and as frantic as I am. You asked how I was and disclosed that you felt like there was a hollow block pressing on your chest and you were thinking of me. You were worried there was something wrong with me.

I burst into tears. I told you that I felt the same way, like there was something wrong and you needed me.

I was awoken by my alarm at 6am. There were tears in my eyes. They stained my pillow.

I couldn't get out of bed. My body felt numb and warm. I checked my temperature. As confirmed, I had a slight fever.

My dream about you was so lucid I am still worried until now.

When I got to the office, I had to call your best friend to check if he has heard from you. Nothing. He said I was probably one of the, if not, the last person you called before finally checking in for your training.

I am still hung up on the dream.

When you left again, I never thought of you on purpose. I never consciously looked for you, asked about you, knowing that it would be futile.

Now when I look back, I am realizing that you are the only one I run to when I seek for clarity. For balance, for logic. You are, like you claim to be, my best instinct half.

You were very impatient with indecisiveness, but tolerant of mine. You loathed aberrance and gray areas, but moved your paradigms to understand and accommodate mine. You were unforgiving of unfaithfulness but you accepted my indiscretions.

You accepted me for who I am.

Despite that, I had to run away. I was frightened that what we had was becoming too real. Too real for me that I had to make difficult choices - to stay in my comfort zone or leave everything else and take my chances on something true yet very uncertain.

We never had the chance, given our circumstances right now. And like you said, we may never know.

What's worse for me is I'm regretting that I may never know.

And that I have totally lost my chance to find out.

I was running away yet here I am, confronted by one of my greatest fears.

You.

Buddy, you are missed. If I could take that chance back, I will. And I feel sorry I didn't.

Top three

Top 3 things I want to do today
1. Drink that strong but yummy flavored frozen margarita at Cena or go out with Yel, get wasted in Temple or Tiananmen.
2. See The Archer for the send-off. Yeah, yeah, I know.
3. I want to do a make-over for my apartment. Like an anniversary thing. It's been a year now since I moved out.

Top 3 thoughts in my head
1. Is it true? James said both my free will and my destiny are linked. They coincide with each other so I just need to go with the flow and I will get there - to where I want to be.
2. Should I still consider the job that is being offered to me, what with the absence of the General Manager who originally talked me into it?
3. That some empowered women still want to be dominated into submission by men, for one reason or another.

Top 3 people I am thinking of today
1. The Archer. What's the comeback for?
2. The Boyfriend. What's it going to be?
3. My former Nanny. I need to call her for my apartment's cleanup.

Drifting and walking away

The first one is inevitable, with the rate of how things are going between you and me. As for walking away, we have been both mulling over the idea for the past several weeks now.

We're trying, but it seems like all the efforts are not enough.

If you ask me, I am more willing to let things go now than before.

Pity that a relationship nurtured for years will end this way. Much as I will be hurt, I will also be more than glad to see you off and let you find your way to where you will be truly happy.

Slumbook galore

It's 6:00 pm. I'm waiting for the traffic to subside before I go home. I'm a new manual driver, so afraid ako sa traffic!

I've already visited almost all of my friends' blogs. I've got nothing better to do so I stumbled upon Chegay's blog and I read her sorta-kinda trivia list. It's so high school pero gusto kong patulan...

Name Four Scents You Love:
Vanilla by The Body Shop (I wear it everyday), Africa Spa Dry Oil Mist by The Body Shop (not a perfume but I love the scent), D&G Light Blue and Armani for Women

Name Four Things You Are Thinking About Now:
The horrendous traffic I'm about to deal with a few minutes from now, The Bad Boy, Wanting to curl up in bed and sleep, wanting a hefty salary raise

Name the Last Four Things You Have Bought:
Nokia 6600, one black pointy-toed shoes, one brown sandals, one baby pink spandex shirt and one candy blue jogging pants for my gym sessions

Name Four Drinks You Regularly Drink:
coffee, red wine, lemonade, low-fat milk

Last Time You Cried?
Last month? Cried over my job and, hard to admit, but over Mr. Big Shot's being an asshole.

What's In Your CD Player?
Save The Last Dance Soundtrack

What Color of Socks Are You Wearing?
No socks. Wearing my new pointy shoes.

What's Under Your Bed?
Shoes, mobile phone charger

What Time Did You Wake Up Today?
6am

Current Hair?
Below the shoulders, straight, black

Current Clothes?
Black top with stripes, matching belt, light gray bootcut pants. Pang-office. Boooring.

Current Desktop Picture?
The current Guess models. I made the wallpaper myself. :-)

Current Worry?
How will I go to the parking lot without getting wet? It's raining hard!

Current Hate?
The cigarette smoke emanating from the nearby office.

Favorite Physical Feature(s) Of the Opposite Sex?
Eyes and lips

Last CD You Bought/copied?
Joss Stone

Favorite Place To Be?
Antonio's or Sonya's Garden in Tagaytay and San Juan, Batangas - the nearest getaway.

Least Favorite Place?
My office. I wish I had a cleaner, nicer office.

If You Could Play An Instrument?
I already do. Drums and flute.

Favorite Color(s)
Purple (pa rin!) and pink on me, blue on men

Do You Believe In An Afterlife?
Yes. There has to be.

How Tall Are You?
5'3 1/2.

Current Favorite Word/Saying?
"What the hell...?" and "Oh my goodness!"

Favorite Season?
Summer. Beach! Beach!

One Person From Your Past You Wish You Could Go Back And Talk To:
Melanie. An ex-girlfriend I ditched without any valid reason. Stupid.

Favorite Day?
Saturday!

Where Would You Like To Go?
Now? The beach. Boracay or Palawan.

How Many Kids Do You Want?
Just one. But The Boyfriend wants two.

Favorite Car?
Fed. My ever-reliable Honda City.

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away."

So I live for the highs. I crave for passion. I want to ride the roller coaster everyday. I yearn to feel, revel at the times that I feel hurt and celebrate all the triumphs like there's no tomorrow.

But isn't this what living life to the fullest means?

Bitch beach!

It was a spur of the moment thing. The Boyfriend and I both wanted to hit the beach tomorrow afternoon after I get off from work. I need more tan.

So off we went calling travel agents and beach resorts. Since it's last-minute, we were targetting Batangas or Subic. I was really excited, especially when I saw the web sites of La Luz and Laiya Coco Grove in San Juan, Batangas.

I called the agents to book us a reservation.

BUT NO!

Laiya is booked this weekend and La Luz is fully-booked until July.

Drats!

So much for the getaway.

But The Boyfriend is relentless. Tomorrow, we will drive to Tagaytay and Batangas. If we find a good beach, we go. If we don't we're spending the weekend in Tagaytay instead to vege-out at Sonya's Garden and have a really good massage in one of the spas there.

Let's see how it goes.

The Bad Boy Complex

Last weekend, I went out for coffee with a self-confessed bad boy friend of mine. Armed with my usual cafe' mocha, we were trying to dissect the bad boy phenomenon.

This breed loves women. Loving women is actually an understatement. It's like an addiction. They think and believe that the ratio and proportion of men and women are so skewed it would be such an injustice to decide to stay and be monogamous to just one.

Hanep sa prinsipyo at paniniwala.

Had he not been a friend of mine, I might have poured my cafe' mocha grande over his head.

I saw no point in arguing with him. I have seen the two sides of the coin, so to speak. I've played and have been played.

And he does seem to have a point when he said, "despite the knowledge that we are players, why do women still want to be with us? If they don't want to, they should just stay away."

Oo nga naman. Some women are drawn to bad boys. Admittedly, I had my own bad boy streak, too.

But you see, this breed - most of the time - are good-looking. They come in very attractive packages. They are natural-born charmers whom you can't help but be drawn to.

I actually have a theory about it. Women are drawn to bad boys because of their maternal instinct to try and tame the straying, hoping for a conversion of some sort. At the back of our heads, we want them to change - from bad to good - while they are in a relationship with us.

But you know, I've come to realize that monogamy - and being good in general - is a conscious choice. And while these bad boys are still having the time of their lives playing and cruising, the day is yet to come for them to make that smart decision.

I am not sure if I am totally over my bad boy phase. I am hoping I am. And I dare not tread that path again. This breed is best left as friends and hang-out buddies.

Fishy, fishy

I think I have too many lucky cards today at work.

1. The Prexy issued a memo assigning me a service car and a driver when he found out I wasn't being prioritized in the use of company-owned vehicles.

2. Come September, the General Manager wants to take me to the training abroad.

All this after seriously contemplating irrevocable resignation.

Hmmm...something is definitely up.

And The Buddy, once again, leaves...

I received an overseas call after lunch. It was The Buddy. He's saying goodbye. For five months, he will be out of touch since he's going in the bootcamp today.

No phone calls, text messages, emails. Nada.

I've been sweet-talking him to go home in September so we could fly to Bora and have a grand break before he goes to Europe for three friggin' years.

We couldn't stay long on the phone - so he just wished me well and asked me to take care of myself.

It's like saying goodbye all over again.

And being crushed into pieces.

All over again.

Minus a hundred bitch points, but…

No matter how many times I watch “My Best Friend’s Wedding,” I still cry buckets of tears when Dermot Mulroney sings “The Way You Look Tonight” to Julia Roberts while they dance in the boat as it crosses under a bridge. Or when Julia finally concedes that she lost her to another girl (Cameron Diaz), when she delivers her wedding spiel as the maid of honor and when Dermot finally says goodbye to her at the wedding reception.

Why?

1. I’ve always felt that this will happen to me – that I will lose someone I truly love to someone else because I have taken him/her for granted; only realizing the person’s real worth and my true feelings when they’re almost gone;

2. I could relate to Julia Roberts’ concoction of evil plans, machinations and manipulations to steal her guy best friend from the fiance’. Oh yeah – even if what it takes is for me to ruin or stop a wedding before the actual day or even at that same day. Yep, I think I am capable of doing just that.

3. I could very well relate to having another guy best friend – a gay one – the so called “fag of my life,” who will help me create a whole fiasco to get the guy back.

4. I could fully empathize with at first wanting to get the ex-boyfriend cum best friend back because I want to prove that – hell yeah – I am THE woman in his life. The only one at that. But at the end of it all, I might be able to do something that crazy because I love the guy.

5. Lastly, I think I am the guy best friend’s Jel-O. He may think he wants crème brulee, but the fact is, he really want’s Jel-O. He’s comfortable with Jel-O. And crème brulee, will NEVER be Jel-O.

Although Dermot married Cameron and they did end up together, I created my own version of the movie. That Dermot will realize that the all-sugar-and-spice-and-everything-nice Cameron is just too sweet it’s too annoying. They get divorced and Dermot comes running back to Julia.

Hah.

Maybe it’s not minus a hundred bitch points after all.