MBA - Modified Behavior Without Awareness

My officemates would hear me grunt and complain about B's incessant phone calls.

Romy calls us Sun Cellular - 24/7, unlimited on the phone.

But she's in New York right now.

And we're 12 hours away from each other.

She's asleep, as I work. She starts her day, as I end mine.

Gawd, I miss her. Like crazy.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.


Thailand. Sawasdee!

'Been to Thailand with B for 5 days last week.

Fab! Fab! Fab!

It was a mix-mo of fun, fights and bloopers. And awesome food that made me forget the word "diet."

And got a wonderful tan, too!

Pictures to be posted on the next blog.


Welcome, Zara!

No, not the Spanish brand of clothes.

I meant Zara, my new tango red Honda City 2005 car! Woohoo!

She was delivered to me last Friday. She's just soooo pretty!

Romy went with me to pick her up in the parking lot. She's so gandaaaa!!!

She's got 6 speakers, too. Fab, booming bass. My hip-hop CD collection got resurrected.

Romy gave me glass plates for my plate cards. His birthday gift. Salamat, Direk!

Happy, happy, joy, joy!


Long-lost old friend

Migs is an old friend from college.

Last week, my office landline rang. It was him. Asking me if it was really me. Well, duh!?!?

Turns out that we are in the same building. And yes, we are working for the same company.

He reminded me of who he was. For the first few minutes, he didn't ring a bell.

Then, he went like, "Migs, as in with eyeglasses. Masscomm. We used to hang out."

Then it occurred to me. Damn! He was that nerdy guy I used to hang out with at the Music Hall! I used to have this little crush on him. Yep, had a penchant for nerdies/dorkies but cute guys that time.

We had coffee this afternoon. He's married now. So I had the surprise of my day when he blurted out he used to have this big crush on me even before we got intro'ed in our journalism class. He used to see me walking and hanging out with my snooty college friends.

'Said he was trying to find me all these years. He lost my mobile number, I moved out. The rest is history. Maybe he's pulling my leg. Maybe he's not. I've always known him as a nice, sincere guy.

Oh, well. Another case of "too late the hero." Some people are meant to be just that: college crushes.

I neither feel bad nor sorry about it. If we dated, he would have been another casualty. And I am happy where I am. Spell HITCHED.

My personal space

This blog.

It has been in existence since 2002.

Prior to this was another one which I started in 2000.

I have been writing and sharing my thoughts, feelings, dementia and neurosis online for the past 5 years now.

I enjoy lazy Saturday afternoons in my apartment, blogging about things both trivial and otherwise, while sipping a glass of my favorite French wine.

I love it more, when I try to space out at work and waste a wee bit of company time by writing updates and publishing posts.

Initially, it was only shared to very, very close friends. The ones in ABS, fellow blog-kadas. Best friends. The “circle of trust” only grew when other bloggers stumbled upon this and started including me in their “Blog-Worthy.” And when fellow bloggers started posting messages and writing me emails.

Thank you, people. I am very honored.

This space means a lot to me. It is my own.

I was willing to share it with the better friends in the bunch, because I trust them. I shared it with strangers, because anonymity gave me comfort. And a twisted sense of security.

This blog has been a witness to the people who came in my life and those who have gone. This is my sounding board for all the highs I felt, and the lows I experienced.

Past, failed relationships. Lost friendships, rediscovered ones.

But this was NEVER shared to lovers and loves – past, present and future.

I always felt that this was one of the very few avenues where I can share how I think and feel about things- uncut, unplugged. This is where I can admit that I am happy, I am hurt, I cheated, I was cheated on – unabashedly, unapologetically.

This is my own definition of freedom of speech and expression – where I will not be castigated.

My thoughts are my own. They shouldn’t be taken against me.

But B found it.

Call me stupid, but I actually had a hand in it.

B knows I write. And that I have been maintaining this. I never really told her where or how to find it.

But I left clues. Not very easy ones, but breadcrumb trails to find it.

And she did.

Thanks or no thanks to Yahoo.

Somehow, within my recesses, I know I wanted her to do so. I have never done this before – to actually open myself and be nearly transparent.

Right now, I am. Or at least, I’m trying to.

Perhaps this is a residue of my hang-ups – to want to do things better this time. To really share my life. To share me.

So B ---

Things may shock and awe you – even frighten you a bit.

This is me. My thoughts.

I still want it to be the same. Real. Uncensored.

And it will be.

I wouldn’t have allowed you to see if I knew you couldn’t handle it.

Welcome to my space.

Growing pains

Barely a week in it and we're already experiencing some bumps here and there.

Nothing big, really. What a pun - yes, it was more about Big.

It's mostly about issues that should have been left in the past. Or the better way of putting it is that people in our past should have been left where they belong - in our history.

My mistake really, was not giving enough reassurance and sense of security about where B is in my life. Not that there is really something to worry about. I was pretty much concerned with my own self-preservation. I somehow forgot that I should have considered hers, too.

Things are all good. Adjusting, but right now, life can never be better.

To B, thanks for understanding.

Thanks for tiding me over something and someone.

I may not say it all the time, I may not show you everything I feel. But you know how much you mean to me.

We will get there - just be more patient.

But so far, with you, life is good.

Anger management

I need to get this out.

I am angry. Resentful.

You should have given me more credit.

That I would have understood. That I would have been happy for you. For us.

Instead you chose the path of betrayal.

I felt you cheated on our friendship. Which I thought would stick. Which we decided to keep - regardless of our ending.

But thank you. For validating my presumptions.

I am angry. But I don't regret whatever happened.

Things will blow over.

I am angry. But I can't get myself to be angry at you.

17 Marks the Spot

I am officially with someone.

And it feels damn good to be!

I'm trying to be smarter. Better. Stripping off some of the biatchiness.

It's worth it.

And I shouldn't be screwing things up again.

So let's see if this one works.

After this blog, I will be changing my Friendster status.

Officially hitched.

Ber

The "ber" months are here.

Two significant things:

1. my birthday
2. Christmas

For these coming months, I only wish to have a happy birthday and a wonderful Christmas.

I had a blast on my birthday last year, which was spent on the beach with The X and two of his best buddies. I just need to topple that. Create new memories.

Last Christmas was awful - The X and I broke up on the 11th of December. I had to buy Anita Gray (car) two days after, which I paid off in cold cash!

I'm usually the "generous one" during the holidays, buying gifts for all my friends and loved-ones. But last year, I didn't buy any for friends. I only bought gifts for the immediate family.

Two reasons: paying cold cash for a car isn't easy. Wiped out almost my entire savings.

More importantly, Christmas spirit last year, for me, was ZILCH.

Imagine losing a significant other during the holidays. This is one of the worst things that can happen. And it already happened to me twice! This last one is by far, the worst.

Right now, I can only hope. But things are looking quite positive:

1. I might be getting a new car. Although I don't want to replace Anita Gray yet, I am being pressured by Boss to get my car benefit already.

2. I am going to Bangkok and Krabi, Thailand by the end of this month for another break.

3. I have a budding relationship with someone. Although we have not discussed whether we are officially together, I think it's getting there. The good thing about this is that the person came in the most unexpected of time. And things are all good.

Birthday is a month and a few days away.

Christmas, 3 months and a half.

For now, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Don’t Make Me Fall

When I saw you
I marveled at how beautiful
Your eyes were
There was depth in the way
You looked at me

The way you gazed into my eyes
As you listened, as we talked
About things trite and mundane
You captured, you mesmerized
You bore into my whole being

Days, nights passed
You seduced me by your persistence
Charmed, caught unaware
You disarmed me with your
Undaunted consistency

Days, nights don’t cease to fly
And I find myself in awe
Wondering how you effectively
Let yourself in me, in my life
In my independence

You were too compelling
Too convincing, ever forceful
Even for my conviction
To stay in the comforts
Of my own solitude

Now that you are here
Is it too late?
To give you a forewarning
Of what may come, of what is not
Is it too late for me to stop?

If you’re not going to stay
Then let me be
If you’re going to leave
Then don’t make me fall
Don’t make me love you
In any way at all

The Drama of Hello

Nearly a year of introduction
That never really started
Always in different places
Engaged in our own proclivities

Perfect timing was your ally
Distance your foe
With fate’s twists and turns
And some universal conspiracy
We see, finally

And the introduction wasn’t theatrical
No hype, no superfluous buildup
A sincere handshake
The his and hellos, things customary

No complications as you see
Wining, dining, waxing philosophical
The conversation and connection
Were both shallow and deep

As we saw fit, a second rendezvous
It deserved
To know more, learn more
If it was cosmic and ethereal
Or grounded and real

And as we both tread
In the usual process of prologues
And eventual overtures
We see, we realize
The non-complexity of initiating

The drama of hello
Is not in the beginning
It is in the certainty
That with every hello we speak
Is an adieu in the offing.


--- For Bea.

Thank you for making me appreciate both life's simple and complicated pleasures.

And for making me realize what bliss it is to believe in perfect mornings. And hot coffee.

Paradise

Here are the long overdue photos from Palawan when I hied off to the islands with Big.

Get well soon, Shrek

Jovan has been sick for the past few days.

Hang in there, Big Guy.

We're all praying for you. And we're here for you.

I hope you'll feel better soon.

"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."

- Oprah Winfrey

Revisiting

We used to write a lot of letters
Seven pages is not even enough
The emails would go back and forth
What did I call us?
I likened us to the modern-day version of
Griffin and Sabine

We burnt phone lines
Walked the park together
I chose your cutlery
You asked my take on the
bordeaux glasses you purchased

We bought the wine cooler together
You helped me pick out my pink Zara jacket
I chose your black leather desk mat
We picked up the paintings you had framed

Imagine how we would converse
For hours and hours on end
How we fascinated each other
By stories of our lives

Imagine how much we marveled at our differences
And yet found a lot of common ground

And yet here we are now
Slowly losing the bind that we
used to be fiercely protective of
What is happening?

We are sync
Intellectually
Spiritually
This amazes me and fascinates me
To this very day

Yet here we are now
I feel a huge gulf between us
You have to let me in
And you have to try

I feel nothing
I want to feel hurt
Or sad
Anything
Just to feel something

And I hope when I see you this weekend
I will find myself and the way I feel
Just a few weeks back

Can we just go back to where we left off?
Rekindle
Revive that connection we had
Because we have it
Undoubtedly

Let you and I have a change of heart

Damper

In four days, I will be seeing him again.

Big and I are flying to the islands of Palawan. I already made the payments (which he sent through wire transfer) this morning to my travel agent.

But I am not too excited about it.

Major reasons:

1. He is just being too English. Now I fully comprehend what that really meant. He is being too forty-ish and a man of the world that he is - distant, with the most serious sense of personal space (hell, it feels like there is an entire gulf between us).

2. I am being me - crazily pursuing someone but getting tired when there are hurdles here and there.

I know there is a way to compromise. But how far? And who's supposed to budge?

I am so over the goo-goo eyes phase of being a hapless, hopeless romantic. And should I go back to being one, given that who I'm dating now is a serious pragmatist?

No definite answers, really... so I'm taking Hag's Fag advice: stay put. Test the water. Enjoy the experience.

More than just a show

Last night, I watched Live AIDS with myGlobe officemates. Not everyone was from UP but there are very minimal requisites to appreciate Live AIDS:

1. love of fun
2. appreciation of gay sense of humor
3. a bit of knowledge of gay-speak and culture C TV and radio ads

I wasn't surprised to see UP Masscomm batchmates and friends onstage. A lot of the guys from my course were members of Samaskom.

So we cheered friends and showed moral support by being a cordial and lively audience.

On my part, it was sort of a relief to see old faces. And I did have some sense of pride that these people have already come so far in terms of their career, yet still know how to look back and support "homemade" activities.

And I realized why I always feel comforted when I attend shows and concerts in the university. It's a simple reminder for me of how we were raised back in college, how we dreamt of things, how we envisioned what was supposed to be ideal.

I was never part of the "tibak" community, but I did subscribe to most of the UP ideals - to loathe mediocrity, to consider life as an endless educational stint [thus the encouragement for all of us to pursue graduate and post-graduate studies, law or med school], to maintain the passion despite the complacency that we tend to get used to when we are already out there.

I'm glad that I didn't miss out on this year's Live AIDS. To see old friends. To breathe the old UP air.

It was a very simple reminder for me to continue questioning truths, despise the lack of vigor, to re-ignite my passion and what I used to believe in.

I didn't stop believing. I just had to be reminded to do so, once again.

Turning British, I really think so

Because of Big, I now:

1. Visit Yahoo UK regularly.

2. Read about UK politics, including:
- Tony Blair
- the European Union

3. Watch Star News to get updated on the London bombings and who won the rugby.

4. Keep watch of what's happening with Prince Charles, Camilla Parker Bowles, Prince William and the rest of the Monarchy.

5. Say the following words:
- trousers when I mean pants
- bloke when referring to guys
- bloody hell instead of whadafuck
- fag instead of cigarette

NOT because I want to turn Brit, but because we do talk about these things. And I both need and want to know.


Turning Pinoy, oh yes, I think so!

1. He likes San Miguel Pale Pilsen. Among all the kinds of beer ALL OVER THE WORLD.

2. He craves for crunchy sisig.

3. He now reads and watches CNN News to know the ruckus about the Gloriagate scandal and when GMA will declare a last-minute work holiday again.

4. He is learning how to send long text messages and can now tolerate lengthy SMS exchanges.

5. He closes his email with "Ingat ka."

:-)

Happy.

Recovering the lost

Dear God,

Now that I realized the importance of something that I took for granted for a long time, can I please have it back?

"Fab is not for me."

I greeted him, "Have a fab Sunday."

And the reply that I got: "A nice Sunday will be fine. Fab is not for me."

How did you know that it isn't? You haven't even tried.

Or if you did, perhaps you didn't try hard enough?

How can you say I didn't and couldn't compromise?

I wanted to throw everything in your face. I tried hard. I compromised. I did. If you think I didn't appreciate your effort - then how come you didn't notice mine?

How can you say fab is not for you? And how can you just realize it wasn't - after almost four years of having it?

The English translation of it:

"A nice, simple girl will be fine. A high-maintenance biatche' like you is not for me."

Lookie!

Where I stayed in Singapore.

Big's apartment

How nice to cuddle on that big black sofa!



My morning sunshine room

The sun wakes me up every morning.

Before I left, I had to take a last look at my room while I'm looking forward to returning very, very soon.



View outside my room

Hills Apartment, Hills Avenue near Bukit Timah


Pool for 2

When you look down my glass window, you can already see the pool.



Can you blame me for wanting to stay longer? Or for not wanting to leave at all?

Gross violation

Exactly 2 months...

...of not blogging.

I know! I know!

I'm so sorry. I have no valid excuse.

Blogger screwed up my message boards. One day - they were gone. All your messages for me that accumulated all these years. Gone!

Then the work sched was too much.

Flew to Singapore.

Met Big.

Yes. My Big.

Sincerest apologies - I don't practice what I preach - to keep content fresh. To never announce that a site is under construction.

But folks, my blog is currently being "renovated." As I'm not left with much choice that I've gone through my old html codes but can't figure out WHYDAF%&# my message boards disappeared.

Does this blogger even have an audience still?

Anyway - thank you for those who sent email and for those who perennially bugged me to "Hey, update your friggin' blog or I'm taking you out of my blog circle!!!"

EJ, Bitchina is up and running once again.

Standby for Singapore pix and more chica, sound-offs and what-have-wes.

Just one of 'em days...

When I just want to go home
lock myself in my apartment
and brood incessantly
drown myself with sauvignon blanc.

Don't cross my path today.