29

The last twenty-something for me.

29. It's a good age, so they say.

Let's see how things go.

Grateful to God for all the blessings.

Unexpected closure and reckoning

I have never obliterated anybody in my life – no matter how much pain they have inflicted on me – except for one person:

The Buddy.

The Buddy made his way through several entries in this blog last year.

All of a sudden, the pining, the whining, the longing (mine, for that matter) for him all stopped.

He hurt me. Badly.

There was no excuse for what he did.

He took advantage of my feelings, my sincerity, my loyalty, my vulnerability.

Worst, he took advantage of our friendship.

Ever since Doji’s party last year, I literally erased him in my life.

Phone numbers – both in the States and here in Manila, addresses in LA and in Ayala Alabang, all instant messengers, all email addresses.

I just didn’t want to have ANYTHING to do with him.

Then mid-Sunday afternoon, out of nowhere, there he was.

Asking for forgiveness.

Admitting how much of a jerk and a dumb-ass (his words, not mine) he was.

How much sorry he feels, how he never meant to hurt me, and how sincerely he felt for the two of us.

But he just couldn’t do anything about his situation.

That’s why he opted to just walk away.

From us.

For several years, I ached for him.

I moved heaven and earth for him.


When he walked out on us, I was crushed. I was broken.

I was angry. Utterly disappointed.

But I couldn’t stay angry at a person for a long time.

I have long forgiven The Buddy.

Both he and I had our own reasons why we both risked, why things didn’t work out.

He had his reasons why he decided to let go.

But after the apology, after hearing how much he really cared for me, how much torment he felt after I decided to eradicate him from my life…

I didn’t feel like gloating. I didn’t feel happy, or proud.

That he is down on his knees, haunted by the wrong he did.

I only care for and fall in love with someone once in this lifetime.

And frankly, at this point, when it comes to The Buddy…

I just don’t give a damn.

TGIF – in its truest sense

Friday – my most favorite day ever, as it signals the beginning of the weekend. When all work comes to a halt (unless the boss says otherwise, darn it!) and the fun begins.

For the first time in a very long time, I meant it.


Thank, God it’s Friday.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

This week has been rough to me, I just wanted it to end.

Monday didn’t start out too well – what with a missing IP address that paralyzed almost my entire day at work since I didn’t have Internet connection. From there, the next days felt difficult. It seemed like I had to exert a lot of effort just to do things right and make things right.

I’m a firm believer in starting the week right. Mondays should always be good – so that the rest of the days will be better. Screw up Monday, your whole week is screwed up entirely.

I know, I know. Self-fulfilling prophecy.

But this week: hanging laptop + conflicting connections of my email and YM (thus, I cannot do both simultaneously) + flooded streets + flooded parking + gloomy weather = blah mood.

My car – Zara – is coding every Friday so I have to wake up really early to go to work.
I’m sleepy until now – but I feel the greatest relief just knowing that it’s Friday.

And tonight, I will be clinking margarita and wine glasses with friends.

Cheers!

How to come around

If you ask me, I'd like things to be a bit simpler than they are now.

If I'd like to go back?

Most definitely.

I want comfortable, honest mornings. I want the smell of coffee while I shower and get ready for work.

I want her to be there - just lazily lying on my bed as she watches me select and unselect an office outfit - tossing shirts and pants here and there.

But why is it just so difficult to come around?

I am not a brooding person. I don't like bearing grudges against anyone. It's bad vibes. Too negative.

But there were things said that hurt me. They pierced through me.

There were words and accusations hurled that made me question myself.

Whenever I think about things said and done --- it still hurts. I still feel crushed.

Sometimes, I wonder - can someone who really fell in love with me hurt me through words?

If someone knows the formula on how to easily come around, then do let me know.

I wish I can go back. I really wish I could.

Carrie, Carrie, all Carrie

Well, what do you know...

Carmela gave me this Sex and the City blogthing.

I'm most like Carrie.

Like all my friends - I wasn't surprised at all.

You Are Most Like Carrie!

You're quirky, flirty, and every guy's perfect first date. But can the guy in question live up to your romantic ideal? It's tough for you to find the right match - you're more than a little picky. Never fear... You've got a great group of friends and a great closet of clothes, no matter what! Romantic prediction: You'll fall for someone this year... Totally different from any guy you've dated.

Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You?

Back to Basics

My life is back to normal – almost.


After months and months of preparation for the certification exam and my incessant partying to relieve stress, for the first time in a long time, I spent my weekend NOT worrying about how to pass the test and get certified.


I actually found myself surprised – wow – I’ve got nothing much to do!

Truthfully, with all the pressure at work and in school (yes, I’ve totally taken my Masters for granted), the short trip to China and Hong Kong (which I didn’t even write about here. Busy!) and all the emotional roller coaster ride I am still currently going through, I don’t think things will ever go back to where they were.

Fact of life --- every single moment we spend changes the way we are, who we are – even who we would like to be in the future. I just hope I don’t change that much to not recognize myself in the mirror anymore. Change is good, for as long as it is so because of our quest for higher truth and our core principles are followed.

Now that the roller coaster has slowed down just a bit, I realized, I miss and have missed out on a lot of things:

1. Long Sunday brunches with Doji
2. Reading fashion magazines or sensible books in a café by myself
3. Coffee with my Speed Dials – Ian and Celia
4. Even Margarita Wednesdays with Gemma
5. Conversations with my Grandmother – Nanay can only utter syllables after her stroke
6. Movies and dinner with my Mom
7. Shopping with my Sister – I really hope she goes home soon
8. Laughing out loud
9. The true and sincere affection of a dedicated love
10. Not feeling hurt and broken

Amidst the alcohol, the partying and the loud music that have been my regular recluse for how many Fridays now, it’s really the simplest of things that have the most profound effect, the deepest dent in my life.
And I wouldn’t mind going back.

Unsettling

“I sure hope there’s something better for us. Here we are, fab women, who I think are ready and have the life skills to make good partners and create a loving environment, but for some reason, we don’t have the one person to share our lives with.”

This is the text that I got from one of my Magic 5, Celia.

I was in the middle of a meeting when we started texting each other. Celia dropped me some lines that she’s back in Kuala Lumpur. Too bad we didn’t get the chance to have dinner and indulge ourselves in our usual nice, long, waxing philosophical conversations.

I felt sad when I read her message. Actually, right smack in the middle of a stressful update meeting, I felt a lump in my throat building up.

She’s right.

Here we are – wonderful, smart, fabulous women who have their own career and money, who know how to cook, prepare a wonderful dinner and entertain guests with animated conversations – yet we don’t have that one person to share and witness our lives.

What the hell is wrong in our world?

Actually, I can answer that myself.

It’s not that there isn’t anybody there. There are a lot of options, but the more important issue is – how to choose the right one.

The One – is hard to find.

The passion, the connection – all in the realm of the intellectual, the emotional and the physical – are just really difficult to fabricate. If it is not there, then it really isn’t.

Both Celia and I will not settle. Not for anything less.

And both she and I know that.

On my end, I am still in search for that passion.

I don’t want to be with someone who just likes me too much. I just don’t want to be adored. I want to be loved. Cared for. Looked after. In the way that I will love and care for the person.

I want a witness to my life. I want to be a witness to his or her life.

I want honest mornings. Comfortable togetherness. Passionate kisses.

I want it all.

I may do things differently in finding The One. Love me or hate me for it. But I’m taking my chances.

I will not settle.

I want it all.

Certified

July 31, 2006 - I, along with 9 other GT colleagues, took and passed the Certified Usability Analyst (CUA) certification exam.

I am now officially one of the first certified Filipino usability engineers in the country.

Thank you, God.

Thank you, friends and family, who wished me well and prayed for me.

Another milestone in my life this year.

Still thinking of what I want to get for myself as a reward.

Quiet Desperation

"Many of men live lives of quiet desperation. Perhaps the desperation could not be quieted anymore."

- Shall We Dance

I cannot be made as an excuse to escape from reality. As I am reality myself.

What I'd like to do is live my life - share the life of someone else. Fully.

I cannot make you a part of my life if you can only give me a fraction of it.

Because I want it all. Every moment, every part. Painful, sad, quiet, happy, ecstatic. Whatever they may be I want to be a witness to it. And I want my life to be witnessed. Fully.

So if you cannot give me this, banish the thought of being with me.

The One will give me his or her life. As I will give mine.

Margarita nights

Wednesday, half past 8.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. This is not good. I'm still in the office, rush-editing design templates for another major project.

Maaaan - I know Big Boss wants me to get involved with highly visible projects but I'm drowning here already.

No wonder Wednesday yuppie nights got invented. By this time, we feel like walking zombies already.

Damn, I need a glass. Now!

Forever Indebted

Same time last week, I was very stressed and angst-ridden, what with my workload in the office. I actually contemplate sometimes if all my hard work is worth it. I sacrifice weekends and vacation leaves just to get things done.

Projects haunt me even when I’m already lining up at the immigration or I am tucked away somewhere in Hong Kong. There are always incessant phone calls, emails and text messages, following up on this and that project.

Thursday --- it hit me.

Several minutes after I put down my laptop, one of the maids called me to tell me that my Grandma – Nanay – was rushed to the hospital. She suffered a stroke during lunch time.

I had a long queue of projects and to-dos --- but I seemed to have forgotten all of them. Screw it.

I literally flew to go to the hospital to make sure she’s alright. My heart was already in my throat. I was driving and I was making phone calls to check if she’s stable, if she’s conscious, if she will be fine. I wanted to hear it --- that it’s nothing. It’s fine. She will be fine.

I made phone calls to the three most important friends in my life. My voice was breaking, but I couldn’t cry. I was frightened and I was hurt. I was guilty, too. I haven’t seen Nanay for the past several weeks.

She stayed in the Acute Stroke Unit for five days before she was sent to a regular room. She’s still there in the hospital right now – more stable but the doctors need to still observe her.

She couldn’t talk. When I talk to her, she only nods or shakes her head to agree or disagree.

But whenever I am there to visit, her face would always light up. She would make the best effort to move herself closer to me. She would hold my hand.

Last night, it was her birthday. I was there when the visiting hours already started. She smiled as she saw me enter the door. I kissed her cheeks and greeted her Happy Birthday.

When I was telling her stories about what happened to me the entire day, tears were rolling down her cheeks.

She already wants to go home. I know she worries about me a lot. And I know she is very concerned that I will be financially burdened with the hospital bills since I am the one supporting both her and Mom.

I told her not to worry about anything. I will find a way. I will take good care of her. I will always be there.

There are people in your life that you will do just about anything for them. To me, Nanay is one of them.

I guess, this is true love for me. Romantic love has left and failed me several times.

But not this one. And I will be eternally grateful to her.

Rainy days for the Sunshine Girl

Almost all of my friends know that I’m a good-natured person. I’m fun to be with – something that I know I can claim, as evidenced by the circles of friends that I try so hard to maintain and regularly touch base with.

I love parties, casual dinners and the legendary margarita and wine nights with the ladies. I’m a fantabulous shopping buddy. I’m a wonderful beach comber. I’m the forever “one-of-the-boys” girl-kada that most girlfriends of my guy friends are jealous of.

Most of the time, the sun is out in my area, so to speak. I should have been named Summer.

But seasons end. After summer, comes the rainy days. And I am currently in the middle of it.

I am going through a tough time in my life right now. Trials and tribulations are coming one after the other. I was very forlorn when the week started. Right now, I still feel sad. Cold. Alone. But better.

So friends, it’s my turn to have one of those days. I’m not normally like this, so I hope you can give this to me. Allow me the moment to take in the pain, to shed tears, to spend quiet moments with myself. It’s probably something that I need to go through to form my character.

The times are tough, but I know I will get by.

For the true friends who have been worried about me --- my endless gratitude goes out to you. More than worrying about me, please pray for my loved ones – for my Nanay to get better so I can bring her back home safe, sound and healthy. For B, to find true love and self realization, with or without me.

The sun will come out again… very soon.

Settling

I’m not sure if one of my not-so-close girlfriends broke up with her beau, but I need to quote her on what she wrote:

“Have you ever wondered what it must feel like married to the one you settled on? This truly gives me great feelings of anxiety. It might be difficult to accept the word "settle" because it conjures up images of quasi-happiness and half-hearted glee.

Yes, there is some sort of satisfaction and perhaps, some feeling of security that can be derived from such a partnership but I wonder, could there be anything more?

To settle is to ultimately accept what is within reach, what is available, what is there. To settle is to convince one's self that the decision about to be made is inevitable, realistic, and safe. To settle is to risk not ever being truly happy because one decides to adopt the worst type of 'come what may' attitude on life's greatest challenges.

And settling is a sorry consequence of the passage of time. Yes, time can be the balm that soothes open, painful wounds in one's heart but it can also be that dark force that manipulates one's mind into thinking and believing that the choice one has made is the best choice... the only choice.

What time does, and I'm sure you'll agree, is it lodges one's mind and heart in a cage with the door partly open - with the promise of a better life losing its appeal over the reality of the present, the convenient, and the routine.

The wickedness of "settling" is not one way. It also eventually hurts the one who was chosen because in all respects, the truth will surface. You no doubt realize that you just wasted each other's time and emotions. But then again, if your spouse chose you not because he or she "settled", then forget about the win-win situation you were gunning for.”

Whoah.

Heavy.

But I have to agree with her.

I guess, I don’t have to expound any further. Let me just quote Sex and the City’ Carrie Bradshaw (and this has been my mantra for 2 years now):

“I need love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without each other love.”

And you know, Badj is also right. There’s already a lot of mediocrity in life. Love shouldn’t be one of them. Two years ago, I learned my lesson the harder way and how I wish I know things better now.

So to my wonderful single girlfriends, I raise the glass in your honor. There is virtue in patiently and carefully selecting The One. Never settle. Ever.

And to those who are at a crossroad of whether to settle or not and to those who are currently settling, the middleground may not always be the safest place to be.

And you eventually have to leave that gray area and make a choice.

Blog galore!

I know! I'm blogging incessantly, probably to take advantage of some idle time that I rarely get these days. Besides, I need to keep my sanity intact, what with all my projects and the certification track I have to take 2 weeks from now.

Just a few rants and raves:

Rants

I just really need to bitch about this:

I've been a loyal Powerbooks client. In fact, I've kept my membership for almost 5 years now. I just noticed that their customer service is beginning to suck.

They used to be loved for their speedy yet courteous manner of attending to customers. They will be more than willing to ship your reserved book from their branch in Alabang to Greenbelt. And they will patiently look for your book or get it abroad (whatever and wherever it may be). In fact, they will even call you to notify you that your book already arrived.

This afternoon, I called Powerbooks Greenbelt to look for Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist: The Gift Edition. It's a limited hardbound edition that I would like to give to a friend as a birthday gift.

I asked the Customer Service Rep on the other line if they have it, by clearly saying both author and book.

He asked me: "Ano po, The Optimist?"

I had to repeat the title of the book and the author. And I had to spell both for him.

Eyes rolling. Hello!?!?!? The Alchemist happens to be consistently included in their bestsellers.

To make matters worse, I was put on hold for 10 friggin' minutes. When he got me again, he said: "Ma'am, nag-s-spell check pa po, eh."

Ohmygaaaaaaaaaawd.

At the very least, their reps should know what's in their much-coveted list.

I was so irritated I'm considering shifting loyalty to either Fully Booked or Page One.

I wish Barnes and Noble is here in Manila. :-(


Rave

Thanks to B. and her trip to Thailand and the US, I have loads of new stuff!

1. Bags, bags and more bags
- a light brown leather Steve Madden
- a straw hobo bag
- a Thai shoulder bag with quilts and prints for denim day

2. A Tinkerbell snowglobe from Disney, Cali
3. Silk pillow covers and quilts from Bangkok

Happy, happy, joy, joy!

Current faves

What's in my disc changer:

1. Sitti: Cafe' Bossa



Her rendition of Girl From Ipanema and Lady Wants to Know are notable.

2. Toby Lightman's Little Things



Can I just say!?!?! This CD is such a steal! I bought it on sale at a hundred bucks in Eastwood. I heard her acoustic of Frightened from long ago and I loved it. I was so surprised to see the CD on sale because her music is really good.


What I'm currently reading:

Aside from my usability manuals that are a foot high:

Devil Wears Prada



- from Mica. Sorry, Mother, haven't gotten the chance to return since we haven't seen each other after the picnic party!

What I am currently obsessing on:

1. Dopod



You ain't a geek if you don't have this! I know the technology is still quirky. Hell, that's the risk early adopters are willing to take!

2. Gucci Hobo bag



Bag, bag heaven! It's a social sin, I know! Sigh.

What I've been aching to read:

1. Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code: The Illustrated Version



I want to get the illustrated version so I don't have to research the paintings and places via the Internet.

2. The Lucky Shopping Manual - with all the must-have styling and fashion tips. I really gotta have this! Stole it momentarily from Carmela.

Far, far away

Alienated. Empty. Alone.

These are my exact feelings as I came back to my office from a quick round of beer with guy-kadas.

I realized --- I've been feeling this way for a month now.

I'm in a relationship that doesn't feel like one anymore.

There are times that I felt like giving up. What was the use of being with someone who isn't always there?

And if she is, she has the patience of a child. A temperament that I know I don't deserve.

I am distant. Here, yet not here. Transported in a far, far away land.

Away from my reality. Away from myself.

Whatever the outcome is evades me.

But I am definitely tired of the vicious cycle.

My own.

FOJ

First of June – and I am barely breathing.

On my plate:

1. Reviewing for my certification exam
2. Tests, tests and more usability tests
3. Hundreds of projects – well, at least they feel like they’re hundreds
4. Errands to run
5. Coming back to graduate school in June

Talk about biting more than what I can chew!

It’s June already – I work an average of 12 hours a day and yet I have not done even half of my KRAs. Good luck to me during next year’s evaluation.

I need a sanity-saver.

After a major project in July, I’d like to come home to Hong Kong. Stay there for 9 days at the most and just recharge.

I don’t care if I don’t go out of the condo. I just need a break!

Of living and loving

As you open the pages
Of the book of your life
You then realize
That life is not about
Your mere existence
Your day-in, day-out drudge

Life
And living it to the fullest
Are about the choices
You bravely
Or cowardly make
That inevitably dictate
How you live it

Life
And its best hallmarks
Are the moments
When you valiantly
Shed tears
To express pain
Anguish
Agony
Sadness

Life
Is lived like no other
When you laugh
So hard, ever so intensely
Like there is no
Tomorrow

Life
Is when you fall
Deeply in love
Unconditionally
Without remorse
Without regrets
Whether it brings forth
Grief or happiness.

- A birthday present for a good friend.

Happy birthday. Despite the distance, we remain connected.

Elusion of the forbidden

Sleep is elusive tonight
As evasive as a seductress
Who tempts mercilessly
Yet refuses to be ensnared

I caught myself in bed
Wrapped in my own recluse
As my thoughts wandered to you
To where you are
If you are fast asleep

And these thoughts
Take me to the glory days
That we spent together
Enclosed in a world
That only you and I know

As again I wonder
Do you think of me?
Like I think of you?
Do you see me?
As I see you?

Caught in two different worlds
Yet fate insisted
For our paths to inevitably cross
With all its meaning
I still wonder where it is leading

If you and I were never destined
Then I ask the gods and the spirits
Why bring me this agony
To have seen, touched, tasted you
If you will only be forbidden

In the stillness of a sleepless night
I admit to defeat
In finding answers that escape me
As I bid you goodnight

As I blow a kiss in the wind
To bid my distant lover goodnight.

- April Cabello

... Something that I wrote at 3 this morning when I finally gave up tossing and turning.