Frenzied weekend

Walking and driving all across Makati, Malate and Mandaluyong despite the heavy downpour.

Yep – that was how I spent my weekend.

Either I was out in the streets looking for The Place or I was lying in bed hoping that the next day, I would be able to find it.

I am stressing over that right now – add to that the fight I had with The Boyfriend and his dramatic exit last Saturday. Things between us were resolved the same night, but things just got worse the following day.

The Boyfriend headed for the beach with the family, to celebrate Mother’s Day and his Dad’s birthday. Upon going home, one of the cars in the convoy accidentally bumped into a 6-year old kid.

The Boyfriend had to spend his whole Sunday watching over the kid in the hospital. Until this morning, the kid was in critical condition.

I asked if the family wanted to sue them. No, the family has no means of doing that. Instead, the father of the kid was overheard saying that if his kid dies, he would also kill someone from the driver’s family. Life begets life. How’s that as a mantra? I never knew we were still living in a barbaric age!

This morning, The Boyfriend is still not himself. He was still shaken since he brought the little boy to the hospital. He saw all the blood and gore.

So that leaves me fussing over the house-hunt all by myself.

I hope things get better.

Pa-cute days are (almost) over

From Cosmopolitan Magazine to Better Homes.

From Femalenetwork.com and Elle.com to Interiordesign.net.

It was a tough decision to make. I am used to the comforts of my own home, the convenience of having a yaya most of the time to take care of my things. Hell, I don’t even wash my own clothes.

Now I am compelled to look beyond shopping for clothes, shoes and bags.

This is a different ballgame altogether.

Friends won’t be seeing much of me for the coming weeks and months. I would be busy taking care of my BIG PROJECT.

Read: I would do whatever it takes for me to accomplish it.

Contrary to what some of my friends are teasing me, I am no kill-joy. I just decided to grow up and let the other younger ladies take charge of the pa-cutesy, teeny-bopper stuff.

It’s also not a passing fancy – a hobby or a project that I would soon get tired of. No, I wasn’t seduced by its novelty, as this would cost me so much of my hard-earned money.

It’s a good feeling, though – to finally get over superficial, mundane things and move on to the next phase.

Again, I am not yet getting married! I will spill the beans when the right time comes. I just don’t like people playing devil’s advocate when I have finally come into a steadfast decision. Yes, unsolicited advice is not welcome at this point.

So to my friends, thank you for the moral support. Enjoy the partying without moi. I’m sure the party would go on – more fun even. Just don’t forget to drink that one cocktail or shooter in my honor.

Night cap

I finally met Jovan’s girlfriend. Former Portal Kids from ABS-CBN Interactive met for dinner. Mark and Petite were there too!

Sarap talaga ng Napoli’s!

What made it more sumptuous were the laughter and the wisecracks. Romy would never run out of funny Portal experiences.

So we strolled down memory lane, reminiscing about Nora Daza as the Amir of Rap and other funny Ria stories.

After everyone got filled, Romy became the WAP and mobile phone repairman extraordinaire! Hahahaha!

We had 2 rounds of shooters in Aresi afterwards. I didn’t realize it was so cheap to drink there. Shooters are 50% off until 12am!

Romy drove me home at past 12. I wasn’t sleepy yet so I checked my email and decided to blog.

I can’t stop thinking about my BIG PROJECT.

I’ve been sleepless because of it for the past few weeks already.

The Boyfriend has been very supportive about it. Thank God for having The Boyfriend. He makes life a lot easier.

Wala nang direksyon yung blog ko so matutulog na lang ako.

How I wish the Portal kids in the US are also here with us.

Major project

I have a major project this coming June and July.

It is totally life-changing.

Sorry, I can’t divulge the details yet since I don’t want it to be pre-empted.

May the universe conspire in my favor.

Away from work

I somehow managed to mangle my blogger over this weekend, thus, the absence of my message board. I was attempting to overhaul it. I’m trying to work on my htmls, so watch out for the new blog. I lost my password to enetation, so I would only be able to fix it when I get back to the office.

Yes, folks, you read that right. I’m not in the office. I’m on extended break. Wooohooo!

8 stress-reduced, glorious vacation days!

I just came back from a day trip. Mom, sis and I went to Corregidor. I’ve never been there before so it was really nice. I like going to historical sites like museums and ruins. If a date wants to impress me, the secret would be to take me to places like those. I wish I could also go to Intramuros again since they have a lot of activities lined up for the summer.

Friends issue

Perhaps Ryan couldn’t take it anymore. The silence of our other high school buddies is deafening.

On the night of Easter Sunday, he picked me up at home. We went to a bar in Greenbelt and had a couple of drinks – ranted about quarter-life frustrations and disappointments. It was comforting to know that I am not alone in my crisis!

What’s more comforting is that I think I can go out with him now without having to worry about ghosts from the past haunting me. I think we’re cool as friends now.

And what do you know – Marc just texted this morning to tell everyone he had finished his masters in engineering already. There’s a party this Saturday night. I hope this ends everyone’s hibernation period.

I am tasked to bring wine – as always! I guess things are on the roll again.

Bye, Bud!

At 10:43 pm last Monday, his plane took off.

Before that, we spent hours on the phone until daybreak. He was asking how I would feel if he doesn’t come back. Will he be missed? Nah – I’m not gonna give him that. His ego is inflated as it is. He was betting he will be.

With a heavy heart, I called him half past six to say goodbye. He was at the Town Center, doing his last-minute shopping for Johnson’s Baby Cologne!

I told him not to forget his SARS mask.

By 10pm, I got a text message from him that he was on board. I was the last person he was talking to before he left. Touched naman ako. We were texting until the plane took off.

I finally gave in and texted him that he will be missed. Sige na nga. It’s just not the same – I got used to his company and his almost 24/7 availability when I needed some sense knocked into my stubborn head.

Enjoy your break, dude. See you soon.

Find me

Friends have been texting and asking – where the hell are you???

What can I say? I needed a break!

Wow – people actually cared.

You know who you guys are. Thank you for looking for me.

Honeypie

I know what you're going through.

When we talked, you sounded different. I wanted to tell you I know what happened but I thought that would make you feel uncomfortable. I didn't want you to stop talking.

I didn't want to sound like everyone else, either. So I won't be giving you any advice. I just want you to know that I'm here.

I miss you, too. And yes, I will be praying for you.

One honest morning

The minute I opened my eyes, I thought of her. Yes, The X.

She wasn't in my dreams but I was wondering how she is right now. Before, most days of my Holy Week were spent on the phone, talking to her, whether I am stuck at home or out of town.

Last year, I made the great escape by going out of town with The One so I don't have to think of her, the phone, and the things we talk about.

And now it's all coming back to me.

Drifting away

I couldn’t sleep well last night. After talking to The Buddy on the phone, I went straight to bed but I kept tossing and turning.

I felt depressed and disappointed. Something is bothering me but I couldn’t quite figure out what. I was about to blame it on the hormones when my mobile rang.

It was Ryan.

Right in the middle of his night shift duty (this guy is a techie) at Accenture’s 6750 office, he had the same realization.

“Where the hell is everyone?”

It’s mid-April already but no one has called anyone to plan anything for summer.

Quite strange for this circle. We always managed to see each other no matter how tight our schedules are. Despite midterms in MBAs, deadlines for templates, designs and reports – we would always try to hang out and touch base.

So whadafuck is happening now?

Marc said it’s just a phase where everyone is busy attending to their own lives.

This has been happening for almost 6 months now. I hope this phase ends soon.

Tangna. Nami-miss ko na sila.

Missing me?

Wow, I would hate to brag but it seems like people missed me. Look at the message board! Hehehe. Thank you guys for posting your reactions and messages.

Hibernation worked to my advantage!


What I will be missing

Okay, I think it is gradually sinking in. I brought The Buddy breakfast today after working out in the gym. Afterwards it got me thinking – dang! I will miss spoiling and being spoiled. Drats.


Flazoom

After waging war against Macromedia Flash 3 with Emer years ago, here I am, torturing myself by spending 4-5 hours in a week learning it. Everyone in the creative group is required to learn it!

So now I am going bonkers trying to understand action scripts.

It's not actually Flash that is totally evil. It's how you use it.

If this blog will have a flash intro? Nah.

I would have to try to find time to fix the html pages first.


Mind of the Married Man

Have you guys watched an episode of this?

I don’t know about you but Tran is right. I think this should be entitled “A Man’s Penis” instead. Or “A Man’s Penis Talking and Thinking.”

It’s such a distasteful and crude copycat male version of Sex and the City.

Bottomline: Men – married and unmarried – would always toy with the idea of finding something/someone new. It’s always about novelty.

Maybe it’s just me. I feel for 2 of my girlfriends currently nursing heartbreaks brought about by the dickheads in their lives.

Still, this HBO original sucks.

Samut sari


More than a week’s absence

I haven’t been updating the blog for 2 reasons:

1. I was hibernating because I needed to study for my finals.
2. Since finals was over, I was so giddy and excited I felt I deserve to slack off – including updating my blog.

But now I am back – since friends have been buzzing for me to spill.

Writer’s block

More importantly, I’m generally in a happy state of mind right now. There are a few glitches here and there, but everything is quite in its order.

My point? The absence of pain discourages me from writing. I didn’t want to admit this at first but I think this is true for me. The absence of pain gives me no reason to write! For the first time, I am running out of things to say. How unbecoming of me!

In denial

The paradox of it all is that I feel quite okay, despite the fact that The Buddy is leaving two weeks from now. Either it hasn’t sunk it yet or I am totally in denial.

It will be quite a loss – although he will only be gone for 2 months. The truth is, there is this slight chance that he won’t be coming back. It’s always sad to see someone go. Most especially this one.

There are some people I meet every now and then – where I would feel an uncanny connection. I can’t quite explain it, but there is that certain something. I felt it with Celiah – a good friend who vowed to be my evil sister for as long as we live. We don’t see each other very often, but when we do, it’s just like we never really parted.

I felt it with The Best Friend. I felt it with Tran. It’s not just the same beliefs and value system. It’s like meeting them and feeling like knowing them from somewhere before.

Now I felt it with him. Screw what other people say. It is nowhere near romantic. I can’t call it platonic either. But I know the connection is there – just like how Celiah and I believe that people in our lives are like shards of glass that complete one mirror, our mirror.

So cheers to The Buddy. I will miss him – terribly, if I may say. May he not forget my chocolate chip cookies and all the goody stuff I asked him to bring me. Hehehe.

Finding The One

The Buddy said things happen for a reason. We meet people along the way while we journey through life. I believe so, too.

A lot of my friends are getting married this year. A lot of them also got hitched. Congrats to Jovan and Dan. Jovan, may pangako ngang taglay ang 2003 para sa iyo.

And for those who are still waiting, be patient. You are not waiting in vain. It might not be the time yet but I’m sure there is someone out there. Some people might think they’ve been single all their lives. Lucky you. Not that I’m complaining, but I feel like I’ve been hitched all my life. Most friends know the longest I’ve been in between relationships was what – 3 months?

So enjoy single-blessedness. It happens for a reason.

Calling on Bangus and Babs – I hope you’re reading this! Hahaha!

Woohoo!

It’s another Friday!

I’m rejoicing not because I can go out tonight, but because I now have the chance to read my textbooks.

So after work, I’m going directly to The Boyfriend’s house to go over my notes.

What a Friday!


Happy Birthday and congrats, Emer!

Bangus! Happy birthday! I didn’t forget – I hibernated for two days so I wasn’t blogging. Hope it was fun, though.

Congrats, too! Walastek - may friend na naman akong future lawyer! Asteeeeeeg!

Brain drain

I want to blog, but I couldn’t find anything interesting to write.

I am drained – not because I’ve been studying for my finals. The mere thought that I need to study for 2 friggin’ exams is enough for me to be sucked dry.

Writing research papers and tutor marked assignments is easy – if you know how to bull-shit your way out of them. Staying in an auditorium/classroom for a whole 5 hours to take the finals is another damn thing!

I have to spend 4 of my vacation days to read books, more books, readings, and more readings.

I wish I can just go to Vigan and Pagudpud. NOW!

Peace, pare

Manhattan, Boston, Washington in the US, Turkey, Egypt, South Korea, Germany.

People are taking to the streets to show their disapproval of the war that US waged against Iraq.

I get goose bumps whenever I tune in to CNN and Bloomberg for the latest update on the air strike.

Tsk. Ang daming Pinoy sa Middle East.


Paul Coelho’s take on the war

Paul Coelho, the author of the international bestseller “The Alchemist” wrote his “thank-yous” to US President Bush. It’s kinda long but I’m posting it here, as this is reflects my exact sentiments.


Thank you, President Bush
By Paulo Coelho

Thank you, great leader George W. Bush.

Thank you for showing everyone what a danger Saddam Hussein represents. Many of us might otherwise have forgotten that he used chemical weapons against his own people, against the Kurds and against the Iranians.Hussein is a bloodthirsty dictator and one of the clearest expressions of evil in today's world.

But this is not my only reason for thanking you. During the first two months of 2003, you have shown the world a great many other important things and, therefore, deserve my gratitude.

So, I want to say thank you.

Thank you for showing everyone that the Turkish people and their parliament are not for sale, not even for 26 billion dollars. Thank you for revealing to the world the gulf that exists between the
decisions made by those in power and the wishes of the people.

Thank you for making it clear that neither Jose Maria Aznar nor Tony Blair give the slightest weight to or show the slightest respect for the votes they received. Aznar is perfectly capable of ignoring the fact that 90 percent of Spaniards are against the war, and Blair is unmoved by the
largest public demonstration to take place in England in the last 30 years.

Thank you for making it necessary for Blair to go to the British parliament with a fabricated dossier written by a student 10 years ago, and present this as "damning evidence collected by the British Secret Service."

Thank you for allowing Colin Powell to make a complete fool of himself by showing the UN Security Council photos which, one week later, were publicly challenged by Hans Blix, the inspector responsible for disarming Iraq.

Thank you for adopting your current position and thus ensuring that, at the plenary session, French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin's antiwar speech was greeted with applause - something, as far as I know, that has only happened once before in the history of the UN, after a speech by Nelson Mandela.

Thank you too, because, after all your efforts to promote war, the normally divided Arab nations, at their meeting in Cairo during the last week in February, were, for the first time, unanimous in their condemnation of any invasion.

Thank you for your rhetoric stating that "the UN now has a chance to demonstrate its relevance," a statement which made even the most reluctant countries take up a position opposing any attack on Iraq.

Thank you for your foreign policy which provoked British Foreign Secretary Jack Straw into declaring that in the 21st century, "a war can have a moral justification," thus causing him to lose all credibility.

Thank you for trying to divide a Europe that is currently struggling for unification; this was a warning that will not go unheeded. Thank you for having achieved something that very few have so far managed to do in this century: bringing together millions of people on all continents to fight for the same idea, even though that idea is opposed to yours.

Thank you for making us feel once more that though our words may not be heard, they are at least spoken - this will make us stronger in the future.

Thank you for ignoring us, for marginalizing all those who oppose your decision, because the future of the planet belongs to the excluded. Thank you, because, without you, we would not have realized our own ability to mobilize. It may serve no purpose this time, but it will doubtless be useful later on.

Now that there seems no way of silencing the drums of war, I would like to say, as an ancient European king said to an invader: "May your morning be a beautiful one, may the sun shine on your soldiers' armor, for in the afternoon, I will defeat you."

Thank you for allowing us - an army of anonymous people filling the streets in an attempt to stop a process that is already underway - to know what it feels like to be powerless and to learn to
grapple with that feeling and transform it.

So, enjoy your morning and whatever glory it may yet bring you.

Thank you for not listening to us and not taking us seriously, but know that we are listening to you and that we will not forget your words.

Thank you, great leader George W. Bush.

Thank you very much.

Lesbians and the challenge

I met up with Malacañang friends last Friday. Ate Mayet brought 2 guy friends with her. Raymond, the guy in a flashy salmon pink long sleeves [how gay can this guy get!?!], was eyeing me ever since I sat down and drank my first cosmo for the night.

This set of girlfriends has seen a string of my women lovers when I was still working with them. I was THAT out with them, with some girlfriends even picking me up after work, joining us for the usual weekend recap. They knew I lived in with Frisco girl for 3 months.

I haven’t seen this bunch for several months now. So the usual question when they see me came up.

Am I still one or am I now a convert of heterosexuality?

Most of them know I am with The One. It was just a revalida question.

Raymond’s eyebrow rose.

My usual formulaic answer: “Love transcends gender.”

Afterwards, this Raymond guy became quite attentive. He was asking questions about lesbianism, why I liked women, do I still like them now, yada yada yada. The barrage of questions ended with him asking for my mobile number.

At this point, everyone was having a grand time – at my expense. He sat down beside me, asking me, attempting to strike up a very interesting convo.

Then came the expected statement: “Sayang ka.”

Tired of explaining a phenomenon that this guy with a minuscule mind couldn’t get, I didn’t even bother come up with a defense. In the first place, is there a conversion that needs to transpire?

I wanted him to go home thinking that attractive but fresh and ignorant men like him can convert women of my kind.

Dude, I wish you luck.

He offered to drive me home. I politely refused and told him I can take care of myself.

Why can’t I wipe this smirk off my face?

T.A.T.U., belligerence and aberrant behavior

Last night, I was chatting with a girl pal who is in Germany. We were talking about T.A.T.U. [an upcoming Russian duo] and the banning of their video in some parts of Europe.

What’s with the public outcry against the music video?

I heard their song on the radio already – “All the Things She Said.” I’ve never listened to it closely since I am not really into pop songs.

So this morning, armed with my usual brewed coffee and the Inquirer, I propped myself in front of the TV and skidded channels between MTV and My MYX, waiting for the controversial music video.

And there it was – the T.A.T.U. girls in school uniforms with micro mini pleated skirts. It wasn’t the microminis that were the source of the pandemonium.

At the latter part of the video, the two girls passionately kissed each other.

Since MYX had the lyrics flashed on the screen, I realized the song was about lesbian love.

So that was what the fuss was all about.

Add to that “pedophiliac” undertones, as what its fierce critics charge.

This is not to undermine my distaste for pop [anything with Britney, even Avril Lavigne in it]. TATU may be pop – but I would have to forgive them for that. I am coming to their defense because by focusing on the kissing scene and their school uniforms – these self-righteous moralists are totally missing the point.

Who are they to impose their moral yardstick upon the viewers, anyway?

In this day and age, what with the impending war concocted by selfish, demented old men for young men to die in, these critics don’t know any better.

Please, instead of picking on upcoming artists, try looking at the bigger picture.

Happiness

Jovan has been raving – or ranting – about happiness in his blog. Happiness has been a perennial issue among friends: where to find it, how to get it. Better yet, what are the things that would make us happy?

This would make a good topic in one of those drinking sessions.

Jaded as I am, I think it’s human nature to forever search for happiness. Human beings’ desires are insatiable. Sometimes, we would define things that we think would make us happy. If we get them, however, we would want more.

Perhaps I’ve been watching too much Sex and the City reruns lately. Season 1 finds Carrie wanting a steady, defined and committed relationship that Big couldn’t provide for her. She wanted to be with someone who had marriage in mind – eventually. When Aidan came along on the 3rd season and popped the big question, she wasn’t ready to get married!

What are we, women, thinking?!?

I wanted a stable and committed relationship for me. I think I have it, but still, I find myself looking for something else. Not someone else – but something else [Now I am inclined to believe Emer that I could be quite a complicated girlfriend].

The same is true for a lot of things that we already have. We wanted them, got them anyhow, and still crave for more. Worse, we realize they’re not what constitute our happiness as how we pre-defined it.

Happiness can be very elusive. But I think it’s partly our fault too that it is.

Giving more…

… and expecting less works a lot of wonders. It reduces stress, too.

Sometimes we expect the people we love and care about to give back the affections we have showered on them. But not everything can be reciprocated. We get more hurt when we expect to be loved back.

It’s not me being messianic again. It has always been a quid pro quo thing for me.

I just realized that if I don’t expect the phone calls, my phone rings in the middle of the night. Or I am paid the surprise visit I wasn’t hoping for. Text messages come in. So do wake up calls.

They feel good when they happen. Because I wasn’t pining for them to.

Pagod.com

May 1 – that is my anniversary date in the office. Wow – can’t believe I’ve been here for almost 2 years already!

9 vacation days – the number of vacation leaves I need to consume before May 1. Considering that we have 12 vacation days and I’ve only consumed 3 of them means that I haven’t had a decent break for a year.

Read: I am tired. The weekends are not enough for me to recharge. I’ve been working for 3 consecutive Saturdays already just to launch a site. Top that with all the school paper that I still have to write.

I haven’t seen a lot of my groupies lately and last-minute cancellations have been quite frequent. If I hear another friend advice me on time management, either I will faint or kick him/her in the ass – whichever I am able to do first.

Despite my ranting about my current plight, I’m 100% sure I am still going to go through all my plans and schedules. Damn it, I will beat ALL my deadlines! Even if I have to be ruthless about it.

I take comfort in what Lavque forwarded to me again this morning.

Successful people have 5 things in common:

1. They have a dream.
2. They have a plan.
3. They have specific knowledge or training.
4. They’re willing to work hard. [I will work harder. Whatever it takes.]
5. They don’t take no for an answer.

Number 3, I am still trying to achieve. Thus, my loaded schedule. Someday all of this will pay off.

I am going to get there.

Recap

It’s Friday once again. Time is so fast when you have so much to do. It’s so unfair – time is so slow when you’re trying to kill it, and too fast when you’re trying to cease a particular moment and relish it.

This is a rundown of what transpired this whole week:

Falling out

Last Saturday, I had a falling out with The Temptress. I couldn’t take the nagging, the clinginess and the incessant need to explain where I am, what I’m doing, why I didn’t text, blah blah blah.

Friendship is not effortless, but at the same time, friendship is not about imposing and demanding and being there 24/7!

I need space. I need to breathe. I am claustrophobic.

I didn’t want to leave the friendship but it was the next best thing. To be noble, I had to make her feel that she left me, and not the other way around.

I lost a friend.

Oh well.

Now I have to worry about how to return her piles and piles of books, DVDs, mp3 player and laptop.


Trust and faith

I have trust…

… that The Buddy knows he deserves better.
… that he won’t settle for what’s just available and accessible.
… that he is honest with me with how he really feels about a lot of things.

I have faith…

… in our friendship.
… in him.
… that he is who he is, who I have known him to be.

Hypocritical, satirical

I don’t know how I can stand an uptight atmosphere – people pretending that there is nothing wrong with the status quo. We frown on politics. We do not encourage it.

Yeah right.

Thanks for the quote, Lavque:

"I have learned to seek my happiness by limiting my desires, rather than in attempting to satisfy them."

- John Stuart Mill


No wonder The Temptress feels bound. I think I am in her shoes right now, though I would never dare admit it to her. But what if you consider everything - your dreams, plans and ambitions as your desires? How would you restrain yourself from getting them?

I woke up sobbing from a bad dream this morning. In my dream, I wanted to become the first woman pilot ever. I was crying because this ambition never materialized for me. I felt the frustration in my bones. I wanted to break free and do what I want to do, live my dreams and make them my reality.

Over a cup of coffee I was contemplating - this dream was a blatant manifestation of what I want to do, and that at this moment, I am bound by a lot of reasons and limitations that prevent me from doing what I want.

It was a validation that indeed, I want to be somewhere else, doing something different. And I feel that I stopped living life because I am trapped with limited choices. Right now all I can do is make the most out of things. And wait.

If this is the way for me to inculcate patience as one of my virtues then I would gladly accept what fate has brought me. I will give it some time if this passivity would work for me. Otherwise, I would risk and give it a go.

Until then, I would have to accept that I am not the first woman pilot.