It’s about time!

I was too dazed and confused (how cliché-ish can I be!?!?) to write about anything. Add to that the monstrous to-dos and paperwork piled up on my desk.

Yeah, yeah. Excuses, excuses. Two weeks of not blogging. At least it’s not a month!


He came, he saw and he conquered

So what’s the hoolabaloo in that emotional blah – manic-depressive, to say the least – as reflected in the most recent entries?

Hello? Ano pa ba? What’s news and what friggin’ gives?

The Buddy.

Drum roll, please.

Finally!

He arrived.

The usual routine: He called me an hour after his plane touched down in Manila to inform me he’s back. Of course it was a consensus: We have to see each other.

It was my first day in Nasugbu, Batangas when I got his call. I was regretting that I joined the junket going there rather than bringing my car. I wanted to head back to Manila as soon as my talk in the conference was over so I can see him.

We saw each other the following week.

The lowdown?

Some friends thought I’d be goo-goo eyed and lovestruck. I thought so myself. But when I saw him – it was a warm, flushed, comforting feeling. I was just so glad to see him. I hugged him the moment I sat down on the passenger seat of his car. It just felt so good to see him again. It was just like I saw him days ago.

There was confirmation about everything. No more “dudes” or “pares.” There was something between us. Whatever “spark” our friends and other people saw when we’re together – it’s just there. It only needed acknowledgment.

But this time – there wasn’t anyone around. We’re alone. No officemates. No former CEO. No teasing or cajoling. No “Uuuy, yiheeee. Bagay kayo.”

This time, it’s US who will check things out. It’s us who will know.

It’s there. It’s been there the whole time.

So what now? What’s going to happen after the confirmation?

Eh, di wala.

Like what I expected, it was just something that we both needed to know and confirm. Yes, there is attraction between us but with both our feet on the ground, we both know this isn’t going anywhere.

He will be gone for two years. He wants me to fly to where he is. Pero hindi naman ako tanga na maglulustay ng tatlong libong dolyares para sa isang bagay na malabo.

We both want a sequel. But there is nothing on the table. Nothing was offered because we both know we can’t and we’re both not sure. The circumstance didn’t give us a chance to actually find out. It only allowed us to know and acknowledge how we feel.

Baduy na ending? Bitin?

Perhaps for some who wanted a happy ending for me and him (because either they’re my friends or our common friends) and for those who wanted me to have a tragic one with an in-my-face reality check that I was just dreaming the whole time (these are prob’ly those who had grudges and who wanted me to fall flat on my face.). Bitin nga.

Admittedly, bitin for me. But who said life is fair and I can have everything I want?

Nevertheless, I found the more important bottomline.

Despite the 2-week roller-coaster ride with matching honeymoon period, fights, disappointments, frustrations, crying bouts, redemption and making up (yes, all in two-weeks time!), I am now more than ever, certain:

I love The Buddy. I am not goo-goo sappy in love with him. I love him as a person. As a best friend. As someone who will always be a part of me. In a convoluted way, he is a romantic desire, an alter ago, a brother, a best friend all rolled into one.

There’s no happy ending, since nothing has ended yet.

But it’s happy.

True test of faith and friendship

Kung nais mong maibalik ang pagtitiwala at dating samahan, muli kang umakyat mula sa ibaba hanggang sa tugatog ng talaan ng pakikipagkaibigan. Kung may nais kang patunayan, muli kang lalakad sa mga basag ng salamin, tulad ng nabasag na tiwala at pagmamahal.

Patunayan mong nararapat ka na muling ituring na isa sa pinakamatalik at pinakapinagkakatiwalaan; isa sa mga pinakamamahal at pinagpipitagan.

Minsan lang ibigay ang pagkakataon. Ngunit ang pagkakataon ay walang ipinangangakong pagbabalik ng nakalipas. Kapatawaran lamang at hindi paglimot ang nakalaan.

Hindi sapat ang paumanhin. Dahil puso at kaluluwa ang sa iyo ay inilaan sa ngalan ng pakikipagkaibigan.

Escapist

I just want to sleep. Or drink as much red wine as I can.

I just want to get it over and done with.

I know it's not a healthy disposition. I have so much to be grateful for. The Powers-That-Be gave me so many blessings.

But right now, the hurt is just so unbearable I just want to sleep it off so I can wake up next Monday.

Then it's a brand new day.

Answered what-ifs

When things have been confirmed, what next?

Now that my questions have been answered, it actually lead to more questions.

Sometimes when I feel angsty and frustrated that I cannot do anything about things and I cannot control the circumstances, I would wish that I never knew or never felt it.

Or that I should have never seen him again.

But I know as well that I'm lying.

Despite the sadness that it brought me - with the acceptance that feelings can never be enough to risk, to continue, or to constantly have the person with you - I feel relieved that I now know.

And grateful that I had the chance to find out.

Grateful, that though I never told him, I made him feel what is.

Sick

'Been sick for two days now. Straight from Chateau Royale, Nasugbu for a speaking engagement, I've been down with stomach trouble and fever. The doctor's verdict: shellfish poisoning.

I ate oysters and mussels at Josephine's in Tagaytay. I only had some and didn't realize that my stomach is this sensitive. So that's a lesson for me - no shellfish. EVER.

Seek

This is a quiet weekend. I am home. I only go out of the apartment to check on my car. The Boyfriend is out of town and won't be back until tomorrow.

During these moments, I find myself searching for answers.

Barely two weeks from now, I am again turning a year older.

27.

When I was in college, I saw the age of 27 as the right time and age for me to get married.

So where am I going now?

A major part of me knows I am nowhere near ready.

But the question is - why? What's keeping me from taking the plunge?

I have found the perfect husband-material. Good boyfriend, good friend. A would-be good husband and father of our future child.

While all my high school and college female classmates are putting pressure on their boyfriends to marry them, here I am - trying to evade it and actually plotting out all forms of machinations to delay it.

Until now, I am seeking for the answers.

But maybe - just maybe - it's already time. At the very least, it's high time to seriously think about it - and consider.

Playing dirty

After training in the gym, The Bad Boy and I went to Ice Bar for a few rounds. Over his usual Jack Daniel's and my not-so-usual dry martini, we were discussing an issue that we always end up waxing philosophical about: playing.

Again, we were dissecting the whys and the hows of playing and being monogamous. I was trying to understand it from the men's point of view and being a self-confessed player himself, there was no one else that would be more credible to talk about it but him.

His take on the matter was really very insightful. I was actually enlightened by our conversation! Up until this morning, I can't help but go back to the things we talked about and I finally came to the conclusion that he is right about a lot of things.

Distilling his opinions and mine, I came up with the conclusion that women know how players are. They know the game. But women's judgment are muddled by the emotions they attach to the player and to the relationship, hoping that the rules of the game may change or they might be an exception to the rule. But the rules don't change. And when you're in the game, there aren't really any exceptions.


Befriending the enemy

Speaking of The Bad Boy:

I have cultivated - unintentionally - a strong bond and friendship with him. Others may see him as an obnoxious skirt-chaser. A proverbial playboy. But I saw a person with substance. Someone who has enough decency to admit who he is and yet sees the potential of who he wants to be.

As scheming as he could be with current prospects, I'm glad that he values our friendship and treats me with utmost respect. I was very impressed - and deeply moved - that he saw the friendship as something for the long haul, to not be tainted by temporal carnal desires and senseless flirting.

Oh get real, we do flirt. But at the end of the day, we both know that talk is cheap. This friendship is for real.


Waiting in vain

Have I been waiting in vain? After all this time of incessantly thinking about our possibilities, is this all going to waste after all?

When the ship has sailed

Okay, more sober now.

And yes, now that both my feet have landed back on the ground, I had a few notable realizations that I just have to write down. Some were from friends’ and loved-ones current goings-on, others my own. It would be best and safest not to divulge which ones are mine and which aren’t.
Not in any particular order of importance:

1. How I define sinful indulgences: They can be likened to eating chocolate when you’re on a diet. You crave for it, and then decide to give in and eat the chocolate and feel terribly guilty after.

2. That when you get away with a transgression, you don’t get away with it and from it after all. Because YOU know. And because you can never run away from yourself.

3. That there is courage in the admission of weakness. And the best way to not succumb to your weakness is to start admitting that you have it.

4. That you may want to veer away from something that you know will not be good for you but not do anything about it because the flesh is weak.

5. That there will be a lot of first attempts in staying away from something bad but fail to do so. But you pick the pieces up and try again. The next attempt may be the one that will let you get out of the vicious cycle.

6. That you may comfort a friend that you feel has done one of the biggest mistakes in her life, not agree with her decisions, but still be there for her –not condoning what she does – but still be a good friend and understand.

7. That ideal relationships may fall apart, that something you believe was institutional may crumble to the ground. Everything changes, but you should never stop believing. Never stop having faith.

Keeping the faith while keeping it real

At a time when something I strongly believed in, someone I looked up to turn out to be the actual opposite, it feels like heaven and earth both crumbled down and crushed me. And I am buried in the rubble. I tend to question ideologies, principles, faith. At a time when I feel like losing hope, I hang on to friendship. I hang on to trust.

Right now that I am, again, losing hope, I badly, awfully wish The Buddy is here to knock some sense into me and help me find meaning to everything that is happening. I am banking on – nay, holding on – to what we have.

Friendship. Trust. Truth. Faith. The things that matter the most to me at this moment. Everything that makes me keep on believing.

Post-Singapore notes

I just got back from Singapore. And I am a bit wasted while writing this so if there are any grammatical screw-ups, that’s alcohol talking.

I LOVED this trip! It’s not the first time but it’s more memorable. I stayed there for five days, didn’t go around much within the city but I had a lot of fun.

I will be posting a more detailed blog about the Singapore trip and the rave I received from other countries and markets about my presentation – when I am more sober. Hehehe.

As a teaser, I had a VERY nerve-wracking, mind-blasting, albeit dangerous trip-ender. It was a lot of FUN and a lot of risk! But that’s what life is about. Sinful, but all so worth it!

Bar, bar, bar

Three of my closest friends are taking the bar this whole month of September. Dearies, I wish all of you luck – Maitz, Thea and Len. Len, sorry for the late greetings, but let me give you an advance congratulatory note. Cheers to my soon-to-be lawyer-friend. You have to be one – it’s destiny. And I’m banking on you passing the bar to bail me out of future skirmishes with the law (though I don’t exactly wish to have any!).

Ala-MTRCB

When I write in this blog, I protect some of the people I write about by not posting names. Thus, the monickers I have baptized some of the people who I know would figure in the blog a lot – The Boyfriend, The Buddy, The Bestfriend, The Archer (there’s more to him later, again, when I get more sober.). I didn’t realize though that it would land some people I really care about in trouble and in some issues.

Thus, some clarifications:

I am sincerely sorry if I got someone into a bit of trouble about something I wrote here previously. I did not implicate people here to be incriminated. This is not about them. This is ABOUT ME. And MY life. How I think. And feel.

BUT: I will not apologize about writing. This blog contains pure thoughts, feelings – whatever I think and feel.

But I also feel sorry for some who would take advantage of the write-ups to satisfy whatever it is they would want to achieve on their end.

Thus, I will continue to write about whatever I feel like writing. I will protect who needs protecting, but I hope others will not use these for their personal gain.

Bato-bato sa langit, ang tamaan, tinamaan. No apologies for it.

Chasing liberty

The scariest things are usually the most worthwhile.

Observer's notebook: how Pinoys deal with business clients

I've been dealing with clients, vendors, distributors and advertising executives for almost a year now. When I start and end business calls, I would usually extend my hand for a formal handshake before and after the meeting - especially if it's the first encounter.

What's weird is that most of them, after the meeting and during follow-up client calls, would extend their cheek or pull you closer to them, indicating that you end the conversation, the coffee or dinner meeting with a peck on the cheek. "Beso," is the more familiar term for it.

It's such a Pinoy thing. We "beso" everyone. Even the people we don't really know but we think we've met somewhere before.

I would always "beso" friends when I see them in parties, bump into them in malls or cinemas, or when saying goodbye after hanging out. But "beso-ing" a client or an advertising exec after signing a contract to seal the deal is a different story.

I don't know. Am I just being uptight about it? I still prefer the handshake. Clients are clients. You meet them formally, under the premise of a professional meeting. You may become friends with them eventually, but you still met them because of something work or business-related.

I just find it weird. Until now, it still feels a bit awkward when a client or business partner pulls me closer for a "beso."

A word, finally

It’s usual for me on a Saturday morning to rush going to work. Photo finish, as we call it. Last Saturday wasn’t any different. With my hair still towel-wrapped and as I was ransacking my closet for a casual top and a pair of jeans, my phone rang.

I didn’t want to answer it since it was peculiar for someone to be calling me at that time. 3, 4, 5 rings. What the heck. So I picked it up.

There wasn’t any cordial greeting on the other line. The guy just said “hello” excitedly several times, almost shouting.

I was so sure who it was but I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

The Buddy.

Finally!

After 4 months.

We stayed on the phone for a good half an hour, exchanging updates and plans. I’m leaving for Singapore next week so I’ve been very jittery about it, knowing that he could go home anytime this September.

Call me stupid, I was even toying with the idea of ditching Singapore. This is my first major presentation with all the Asia Pacific delegates. This is MY career! So slight nahimasmasan din ako.

It turns out, he has two options – this coming month or November. Either way, however, both months are toxic for me. There is another business trip coming in November.

However which way, I know I will do something to fix my schedule.

I won’t miss the chance. I don’t want to spend another year or so still wondering about it.

At least, not this time.

I barely made it to the office on time. I was putting on make-up while the traffic light was red. And I did beat the red light twice. A minute more and I would have been served a memo for being late.

Ask me if I cared. Hahaha!

The Pseudo-Boyfriend

Some girls call him the "Uhm Friend." As one blogger chica puts it, the Uhm Friend is that guy in your life that when you're asked who he is, your quintessential answer is, "He's, uhm, a friend of mine."

I call him the Pseudo-Boyfriend.

The Pseudo-Boyfriend is that cute guy in your life you want to hang out with or go to parties with. Definitely, there is tension between the two of you but he is not your boyfriend. You really don't want him to be, but still, you are attracted to him.

He adds spice to your life. He gives you that "kilig" factor. You talk to him every now and then, updating each other on what goes on in your lives. You check out new hole-in-the-wall restaurants together, watch movies or go to Timezone to play Time Crisis 3.

He is a friend. With benefits.

However, he is not The Fuck Buddy. That's another creature altogether.

Sometimes you kiss. Or you makeout. But you do not sleep with him. Either there is no chance or you don't want to take that giant leap.

He gives comfort and that warm, flushed feeling that you are cared for. That there is someone there for you.

You talk. But you do not bare your entire soul to him. Neither does he.

He is not the friend who you can be truly friends with.

You seldom, or NEVER talk about the other romantic partners in your life. Or if you are both aware that you are both in a relationship, your partners rarely make it to the conversation. You shun away the topic.

I think, at one point in their lives, a lot of women can relate to this. We've all had pseudo-boyfriends, one way or another.


Does The Buddy fit?

The term Pseudo-Boyfriend isn't actually an original of mine. Miguel, a former officemate, once taunted me that The Buddy was acting like one. He actually calls him "my" Pseudo-Boyfriend.

We stayed on the phone until the wee hours of the morning. We gave each other wake-up calls. We went out to watch movies. He used to drive me home.

BUT:

We never kissed. Neither did we EVER make-out.

Well, there was one weird incident inside the moviehouse (I refuse to divulge more details. Suffice it to say that what happened was still for General Patronage.). That freaked us both out.

No, he's not my Pseudo-Boyfriend.

He's probably going to stay as The Buddy.

A perennial friend.

The "We-may-never-know-what-we-have-or-what-could-have-been friend."

Now I need to find a new term for this.

Weekend Top 3

3 things I'm glad I did today
1. Spaced out to recharge.
2. Went out for coffee with the advertising execs.
3. Blogged.

3 things I'm sorry I did
1. Dropped my subject.
2. Texted The Archer Back. Grrr. Dapat hindi ko na sinagot!
3. Trusted some officemates with too much info.

3 milestones at work
1. Ironed out my advertising deals with the 2 major publications
2. Finished the September store look
3. Drafted my Christmas promo

3 gifts I got that made me feel I was appreciated
1. The dangling earrings from Yasmine and Jasmin
2. The bottle of shampoo with a gift card from James
3. The watch from The Boyfriend

3 favorite persons
1. CEO
2. That cute Advertising Exec
3. The Bestfriend

3 people I wanna kick or scream at when I see them
1. The former marketing manager
2. The former PR officer
3. The Archer

3 news I really felt bad about
1. Celia's breakup
2. The chismis from the former PR officer
3. Oil price hike

Happy weekend, honeys!

Blog bug

I've been bitten by the blog bug! I'm supposed to draft my preliminary marketing plan, but decided to space out. Heck - if they want my creative juices to flow, I need a damn break too, you know!

Yesterday marked our 2 years and 11 months. As some sort of prequel to the 3rd year anniversary celebration and some sort of hoorah party (after what we've been through for the past months, hell yeah, we deserve it!), The Boyfriend gave me this:



Wow. I was so touched. Last weekend, I was looking for a sports watch for myself - something I could use when I go to the gym. I didn't like the new Nike Presto because I was scared that it's way too easy for snatchers to just yank it off my wrist (goodbye, 4 thousand!).

I didn't ask The Boyfriend to buy me anything so until now, I can't help but feel "aaaaaaaaaaaw" about it. It was sensitive of him to have bought the watch for me. By the way, this is also the 3rd watch he's already given as a gift. 3rd watch on the 3rd year. Hmmm. Nice. But was he also implying that my time is running out? Tick-tock, tick-tock. Hahaha!


New monicker

Oh, The Boyfriend has earned a monicker among my friends. Some of them would ask over dinner, "So how's The Banker?"

Jovan calls him Bankero. Ang pangit!


Sending feelers

The Archer sent an sms last night asking how I am, if I am still alive and if I still remember him.

Helluuuuur.

Can we have enough of that already?

Bumenta na 'yan.

Post-sabbatical notes

More than a month of not blogging.

It seemed like a longer time for me. I got used to this blog as my sounding board whenever I wanted to rant about something. But things have been very busy for the past month. I barely had time to breathe, what more to write.

So what just happened?

1. I got promoted. Higher post, higher pay. But work is thrice as hard. I work 12-15 hours a day on the average. My skin breakout will atest to that.

2. I dropped out of school. Surprised? Yep, I did. It's suicide not to give something up, what with my new schedule. I haven't formally submitted my dropping papers and I am still toying with the idea of keeping my thesis subject, if it's not yet too late.

3. I hired another former ABSi officemate. I think I've mastered the art of luring my brilliant and talented former officemates into joining me into my current company. But I'm really very glad Yasmine is with me now.

4. The Archer left. We had a last hoorah gig 3 weeks before he left. It was a validation of what I already know. He was a mere infatuation I am now very over with.

Life is pretty much the same. Only, it gets harder and harder each new day.

Though I think I'm nearing the realization of my personal legend, it's also making me realize the higher price I have to pay for it. It's like fate telling me - you want more, then you have to give more. Worse, you just might have to give all.

What a day!

In the morning, I was woken up by my building's security guard. I needed to move my car from the parking lot. I drove around and couldn't find any so I had to go to my folks' house just to park! Damn it.

I had lunch with two girlfriends at Uno in Tomas Morato. On my way to ABS-CBN to visit old friends, I was too fast when I turned left so I hit the cab right in front of me. To avoid further hassle, I had to pay him the damages right there. There goes my shopping money. My car had no dent, but suffered minor scratches. Nothing that a rubbing compound couldn't handle, Jovan said. Still, it was kinda hassle and traumatic.

Sometimes I can't help but think that my life was less complicated when I was just hailing a cab. But then again, I love Fed and it's also convenient not to be stuck in the malls during sale periods or when it's raining and cab drivers would charge you P150 from Glorietta to Pasong Tamo!

Weekend Top 3

Top 3 thoughts in my head right now
1. My alleged promotion and movement to another business unit and how this is so freaking me out right now.
2. If this is still all worth it - The Boyfriend and I. I am losing the incentive to try to make things work.
3. It is possible to find a platonic, yet very strong connection to someone you barely know and bare your soul to the person.

3 predominant emotions as of this moment
1. Angry.
2. Excited.
3. Scared.

3 most influential men in my life
1. My boss - the CEO. He is such an inspiration. I feel lucky to have a mentor like him.
2. The Bad Boy - he makes me see friendship in a fresh light. Made me realize that I should give some people the benefit of the doubt without having to remove all cynicism and skepticism altogether.
3. The Archer - he made me realize a lot of things about myself. That I am still capable of a drastic paradigm shift. That I am tougher than I thought I was. That I can be REALLY evil.

3 most influential women in my life
1. Mom.
2. Grandmom.
3. My boss-to-be, the GM.

These 3 women have a lot of common denominators.

3 major realizations
1. Real friends will give it to you - tell you what you did wrong and what is fucked up with you. They will tell you in-your-face if they really are your friends. Consequently, that I don't consider those who can't as friends after all.
2. That in life, sometimes it is better not to quit. That you have to deal with the hand that you've been given, the cards that you've been dealt with.
3. That I still care about what other people think about me. That despite that I-don't-give-a-rat's-ass attitude, I can still be bothered by presumptions and mis/conceptions about me. BUT: that at the end of the day, the only opinions that matter most are those from people I truly care about. The rest of them can all go to hell for all I care (sorry I had to let that one out).

Top 3 things I thought I couldn't put up with but did
1. Player friends who are honest with me about their escapades.
2. Acceptance of the idea that yes, sometimes sex is just sex. It can happen even with the absence of emotional attachment.
3. Bosses who throw a fit and throw their weight around.

Top 3 dealbreakers
1. Dishonesty
2. Taking things for granted
3. Emotional unavailability

Just between friends

Sex is the fastest way to ruin a friendship. Or something to that effect; from Reality Bites.

No matter how good and steadfast your friendship is, sex has a way of changing how things are. When you've already crossed the line, there is no way to turn things around. No way of going back.

What's actually worse is jumping into it when the friendship is at its earliest stage and when it's just about to prove and unfold itself. Talk about pre-empting something that could have been a strong allegiance that would have been for the long haul.

And yes, no matter how logical and cerebral some of us would want to be, the temptation to cross the border is just too tempting.

So there goes another one... inevitably biting the dust.

Existentialist woes

Here I am, waxing philosophical again...

Honeypie was so surprised that I was also having the same exact sentiments right now - asking myself what I'm really supposed to do, what my personal legend is and how I'm going to find it.

When I was younger I wanted to go to law school. Oh yeah, I still do, but my time couldn't afford it. If I quit my job, I would have all the time but would not have the money for it.

Talking to Rich - a lawyer friend - was actually very inspiring. She started law school when she was 27 or 28. She said it's not yet too late for me.

But then again, there are a lot of things and projects in the offing for me. I am two semesters away from getting my Masters. I might leave for Sydney a year from now. At this point, the tides can take me just about anywhere.

I made a compromise with myself that if I don't leave for Sydney, I will move heaven and earth to go to law school.

Let's see how things go...

Loud and proud!

Last Monday, I-Witness featured the "Pink Peso," arguing whether this already exists. For those who are not very familiar with the lingo, pink peso is the money spent by gays and lesbians and their behavior with regard to expenditures.

In short, ano ang pinagkakagastusan ng mga lesbyana at bakla sa Pilipinas?

The conclusion of the docu is that there is already an emerging "pale pink peso." It's not as significant yet, but it can not be ignored anymore. A major indication would be the proliferation of exclusive bars catering to them - Bed, Blue Bar, Boysie's. I was able to party and hang out in the first ever exclusive for girls bar in Wilsons.

The gays have successfully veered away from their 1980s parlorista image, what with a lot of gay men coming out of the closet. These gay men are artists, professionals and businessmen who do not have children so they don't need to worry about tuition fees and what-have-yous. The same thing is true for lesbians.

In fact, most lesbians who do not have families to support have a lot of money to spend on their luxuries. I have a lot of lesbian friends who are lawyers, doctors, managers and executives who do not bat an eyelash spending P1,500 per night out.

Most definitely, this is an emerging market.

I'm very proud of these people who were able to dispel their 80s-90s stereotype of screaming fags or tibong mukha na talagang lalake.

See you guys at the White Party and the Pink Festival!