Wanderlust

It's time. It's Holy Week.

I am at work. But my mind is already on vacay mode.

'Can't concentrate.

Gotta. stop. thinking. about. the. beach.


Friends

Finally, I found some time to gather some of my close friends.

After attending mass at Better Living (it was Palm Sunday), Gemma and I phoned Aldo since he lives in the area. We were also with Joel.

The four of us went to Figaro at the overlooking portion in the south area.

The brief coffee session ended up to be an almost 4-hour animated exchange among all of us. 4 hours - and it was still bitin. Way bitin.

It's been months since I had a long, meaningful conversation with Aldo. And I realized - some of the guy friends that are really friends of mine, I already miss them. Big time.

I miss the existentialist whatevs the we talk about. I miss hearing THAT other side of the world which I will never understand, in the same way that they will never understand women.

But it's nice to know that despite the periodic absences and having to attend to our daily lives, we still manage to touch base.

It actually felt quite good.

I miss my old friends.

A walk on the beach

We strode past the other travelers
Hanging on to my slippers on one hand
The other holding yours
Our feet combed through the powdery
White sand of the beach front

The sun shone brightly
Spraying streaks of gold and burgundy
On your hair and your freckle-dotted cheeks
The sun beams reflected on your eyes
And made them hazel brown

The sky was a canvass
With swirls of white and blue
The sea was a portrait
Of serene, calming strokes and lines

Everything else was a blur
Of fascinating hues and tints
The people clad in their swimwear
Were all weaves and twines of
The brightest of shades

What made this walk interesting
What brought life to it
What painted all its colors
Is you.

Just you.
And your presence.
And how you breathe life
To everything that surrounds us.

Sunny day, everything’s A-Okaaaaay (I wish)

Yeah, I really wish I can write something good and happy here. After another month-long hiatus – of course I want to post something nice!

There were loads, like an early summer outing in Cebu, B’s 2-week break, the end of my finals, to name a few. But there are several turn-of-events that toppled whatever happy moments I’d like to think about.

Generally, I’ve been a very positive person. But with these, my spirits couldn’t help but feel so down and out:

1. Sick. A day before my Malapascua trip, I woke up in the wee hours of the morning, shivering, feeling very cold despite my being tucked under thick sheets of B’s favorite comforter. My mouth was dry, my throat painful. I caught the flu. I tried to go to work but even before lunch time, I was already shaking uncontrollably because it was too cold. Damn it.

Our friends left for Malapascua. B and I decided to delay our flight a day later.
I went back to work this Monday but by mid-afternoon, my eyes were blood-shut. Yes. I have sore eyes. Wonderful. What a good package deal of all forms of summer sickness.

2. The heartbreaking news. Before midnight last night, I was surprised to receive a phone call from Gucci. We have not spoken for more than a year, after my fateful break-up with The X.

When I answered the phone, I couldn’t even believe that it was him. I asked what was
wrong. His voice quivered.

“It’s Ariel.”

And then a long pause with several muffled sniffs and sobs. I had to repeatedly ask what was wrong before he gave it to me.

He was diagnosed today to have leukemia.

Please. Someone tell me this is all a joke.

Gemma was right. Where was the punchline?

Until now I am waiting for one – that all this is an ugly prank, a bad joke that both The X and Gucci concocted. I’d rather be angry at both of them for pulling this one off rather than feel all this hurt right now.

I feel both very repressed and depressed. Reality bites. And it bites really hard. We are no longer as young and as immortal as we thought and felt we were. Drunken nights, all the booze and the cigs – are catching up.

And what else would break me more – but the thought and the fact that I might lose one of the people who made a significant mark in my life.

Please give me something to smile about.

Of Pinoy flicks, TV shows and showbiz chismis

I’m not a big fan of Filipino movies and TV shows. Two reasons:

1. I wasn’t allowed to watch or read anything Pinoy when I was growing up. I compared notes with people in my generation and this rule applied to most middle class Pinoy kids of the ‘80s. Our parents discouraged us to watch Filipino shows aired on TV. Yes to Sesame Street, but no to Batibot. Yes to Dallas and The Love Boat. But no to Flor de Luna or Mga Batang Yagit.

For comics and magazines, my childhood bestriend – Minette – and I, used to secretly buy Pinoy Thriller and Funny comics when we go to Sunday mass together. We would sneak them into our bedrooms, away from the sight of our Moms. We will be grounded if they see us reading Pinoy comics.

For books, our Moms would buy as Sweet Valley High and Sweet Dreams. Pero bawal magbasa ng Pinoy pocketbooks.

2. When I was finally old enough to take my pick of TV shows and movies, I tried watching several Sharon Cuneta and Lorna Tolentino movies. I also watched Bagets and Ninja Kids. But most Pinoy movies that I watched never appealed to me. Not that I was accustomed to a different treatment of films, but objectively, I didn’t like their storyline, the effects were so outdated, the drama is over-the-top for my taste. Some movies were also poor adaptations of Hollywood movies.

I never enjoyed slapstick comedy, either, which also discouraged me from watching Pinoy TV shows.

Recently, however, I’ve been giving Pinoy shows and movies a second chance. Actually, this isn’t deliberate on my part. My boss – as brilliant as he is – is also the epitome of ka-jologs-an in terms of taste in movies, TV shows and even commercials. During lunchbreak, he would go on and on about the Pinoy movies and shows he watched and encourage us to see them as well. My teammates would also talk about Pinoy shows and I couldn’t catch up on the conversations because I had absolutely no idea what they were talking about. Who the hell is Uma of Pinoy Big Brother, anyway? I didn’t know Uma was a big-haired guy, until I saw him in Studio 23.

B. also likes – nay, loves watching showbiz chismis. In fact, I was surprised that she knows more about the local showbiz info than I do. So our Saturday and Sunday afternoons in Manila are spent watching the showbiz TV shows on channels 2 and 7.

Actually, we both like Nuts Entertainment. B. even has this video in Hong Kong where she was imitating Balakubak (Balita at Kwentong Bakla). I was laughing my ass off and until now, I’d play it over and over to get a good laugh.

After this, I’m getting my fix of Pinoy flicks. I rented La Visa Loca, starring Robin Padilla. It’s a comedy about how a lot of Pinoys desperately try to get a US Visa just to see the land of the milk and honey.

Para naman maka-bangka when my friends talk about Pinoy movies. Hahaha.

2:30pm, Hong Kong

It's mid-afternoon. I am dressed to go out already. Just waiting for B to get dressed as well.

While doing that, I have on my side an Isla Negra red wine, blue cheese and prosciutto crudo.

This is life.

Ask me if I still wanna go back to Manila.

Much ranting about nothing

9:28 am - Hong Kong.

I just had to be transported somewhere else.

To clear my head. To write.

Since the year started, I had nothing but more work and more projects on my plate. Stephen Covey's "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" and other self-help books on time management are useless for people like me who do not have time to manage in the first place.

I clock in an average of 12 hours a day at work. I have my video production subject in school and a management training course from AIM. I go to the gym - and cannot afford not to go - what with my bad eating habits. And I have a girlfriend.

I can rant endlessly about it. There are a multitude of reasons why I have to do all these. Conversely, there are also a plethora of reasons why I shouldn't. It's not like I wasn't really left with choices.

I can choose to drop my subject - but I want to finish my Master's already.

I can drop out of my management training course, as well. But if I do so, then I won't get promoted faster.

I can stop going to the gym and just eat more wisely. But that's the thing - with all the stress at work, I can never eat wisely.

The only thing that I don't have too much hand on is work. No matter how efficient i try to be - work won't just stop. And what actually pisses me off is the fact that whenever I finish something ahead of time - there will just be more work added to my never-ending list.

For me to have this well-deserved vacay, I had to work until 10 or 11 almost everyday to get things done. And miraculously, I did. I left no pending tasks, attended to all the project teams who needed me. In fact, I got some of the deliverables emailed a day in advance.

But my mobile phone just won't stop ringing. Just like before, I was already queueing in NAIA's immigration and some PMs won't just stop calling - to ask me for things I've already done for them and have been sent a day earlier to their email.

I love what I do. I really do.

For almost a year now, there's no day that I don't look forward to going to work. I don't drag myself out of bed. I love my projects and being the OC me, I can't stop myself from going through each of them in the most detailed way that I can.

But sometimes, some people just give me this feeling that it's never going to be enough.

And I don't want to be burnt to the point that I just want to stop.

To think that all I am asking for is a 2-day break. 2 days - and I have to go to hell and back just for me to get some Me time.

So it's probably wise to get myself out of this couch now and enjoy the Hong Kong breeze as much as I can.

Food Heaven

If there is one thing that B and I agree on 100% - it’s food.

We love to wine and dine, check out the latest restaurants and find incredible hole-in-the-wall joints. I even gave her a restaurant bible – “A Guide to Restaurants in Manila.” And we promised to try ALL the ones with very good reviews.

It doesn’t really matter if it’s the isawan right in front of Kalayaan dorm in U.P., Diliman, or Margarita Fores’ Pepato in Greenbelt 2. The bottomline is good food.

We are both self-proclaimed food critics – as she is a frustrated chef, and I – well – I’m just really a glutton (thus, the need for me to regularly sweat it out.)

Last Saturday, I took her to Segundo Piso. “Second Floor” in Spanish. It’s an apt name for the restaurant, owned by Juan Carlos de Terry and his wife, as its first branch is situated on the second floor of Terry Selection – the couple’s gourmet store that rivals Santis Delicatessen.

I discovered this restaurant long before it became one. Four years ago, when I was still employed by OHSI, my officemates and I used to frequent Terry Selection for its deli sandwiches and on-sale El Almendro Yema Tostados. We’d buy the yema tostados at 50% off, refusing to buy them at regular price, because it’s P250-P300 per box. Not that we can’t afford it – but the price is too much – it’s a social sin already.

Favorite deli sandwiches: Happy Turkey, Mess and Don Pepito.

I love the Spanish cold cuts – turkey, peppered salami, Jamon Serrano and chorizo with pisto manchego. Pair with their farmer’s or focaccia bread topped with garlic and tomato.

Maaaaaaan! Just thinking of it makes me drool.

B’s favorite: the lentil soup with black sausages. It’s so full of flavor! And it’s something you’d like to order again since it's not easy this stuff at home – unless you’re a chef.

Customer service is fab! I ordered for a glass of their rose wine, and they gave me extra since the bottle is almost gone. The waiter poured all the content in my glass.

You'd be surprised that food is reasonably priced, considering the quality and taste of food, fine wine and wonderful ambiance.

The original Segundo Piso is located at Building B, Karrivin Plaza, 2316 Pasong Tamo Extension, Makati City. For reservations, you can call them at 729-7906 or 729-7907.

Anti-social

I don't have much time in my hands right now. I've been pretty much swamped at work. Carmela and I have been going home awfully late this week. When I reach the apartment, I still couldn't sleep and I end up working some more.

So, apologies to my friends and my margarita buddies. The deadma mode is unintentional. There's really a lot on my plate lately. I've been missing a lot of phone calls and text messages. If I reply, it's like 10 hours late. Please bear with me - let me go through this first and I will be back to normal mode in a few weeks - hopefully.


Fab new finds

Two happy discoveries with B:

1. La Copa

If you like hunting for hole-in-the-wall restos that offer great food that's reasonably priced, you will love La Copa restaurant. Steak is around P295-P350 and it was uber nice! Wine is P115 per glass, P750 per bottle. Not bad, huh? The oyster appetizer (I forgot what it's called but it's not oyster rockefeller) was also unique. Haven't seen oysters cooked that way anywhere else.

Ambiance: Cozy, candle-lit tables with candelabras hanging all over the place. There are also some tables for 2 that are lit by old-fashioned miniscule "gaseras." Ambient music is a bit mushy, but what do you expect from a romantic resto?

Caveat: It's a bit out of the way, though. B and I stumbled upon La Copa when I drove her to the aiport last Sunday. Her Hong Kong flight was delayed so we had to find a place near NAIA where we can have dinner.

La Copa is in the area of the domestic airport. Rumor has it that it's owned by PAL flight attendants. If you’re in the vicinity, you have to try this place.

2. Bound

In the Timog area, along the quiet street of Scout Castor, B and I found Bound – a quaint book shop owned by 5 media personalities from ABS-CBN.

They’re selling both new and pre-owned books. Most of the reads are quite a steal! A lot of the books I bought were actually new ones, but are just old stocks.

I bought Jessica Zafra Womenagerie and Twisted series for P100 each. Found Stephen King hard-bound books for P140. Not bad!

If you are looking for gay and lesbian literature – this is also the place to be. Some of the copies are even autographed by Manila’s gay icons, including Danton Remoto.

I reserved for Ana Leah Sarabia’s Tibok: Heartbeat of the Filipino Lesbian. I read this book already but gave it to my ex Lyle as a gift.

More next week... if I find the time.

Happy weekend, peeps!

New Year Hang-Over

“The unexamined life is not worth living.”

- Socrates

I got this series of questions from a friend a few years ago. I just wanted to answer it again, this time, for 2005.

1. What did you do in 2005 that you’d never done before?

I said this in my previous blog. Dropped people off completely and resolved to keep them out of my life for good.

And, spent Christmas Eve by myself!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Yes – 80% of it, at least. For 2006, I have big plans, not resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thank God, no!

5. What countries did you visit?

Singapore, Thailand and Hong Kong.

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?

Spiritual growth. A princess-cut diamond ring set in a white gold band. A pension plan.

7. What date(s) from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

April 1 – my first working day in Globe

August 11 – first dinner date at Paparazzi with B.

September 17 – I said yes to B. Or, did she say yes to me? Hahaha!

October 7 – Beautiful Zara was delivered to me by Honda Cars, Pasig.

October 17 – My birthday celebration at Pepato with B.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Character-building. Learning how to be selfless, being considerate of others before me. Self-realization.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not being able to re-establish the kind of friendship I had with Ariel. But will work on it.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yes. I couldn’t breathe because I smoked too much! But I quit already.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Zara, of course!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Mine – I am a better person, I know that for sure.

Romy – for being a good leader, for being generous of his ideas, talents and of himself.

myGlobe team – for being a good team and being good friends with each other at the same time.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

The bosses in my previous company – for their malicious intent and rumor-mongering.

Raoul – for being a selfish prick.

My Dad – for once again, disappointing my Mom and me.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Clothes. Shoes. Bags. More clothes. Shoes. Bags. Gizmos and gadgets. Plane tickets.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

A lot of things! How I lived my life last year, in general.

Falling in love again.

16. What song will always remind you of 2005?

No song in particular. Album – John Legend’s.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder?

Definitely happier.

thinner or fatter?
Thinner compared to June, 2005!

richer or poorer?
Richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Spent time with my Nanay (Grandma).

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worrying.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

Spent Christmas Eve by myself for the first time. Christmas morning with family. Christmas evening was a traditional dinner party with high school buddies.

21. Did you fall in love in 2005?

Absolutely.

22. How many one-night stands?

None.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

Loads! Usually from Starworld: Scrubs, Tru Calling, Whose Line Is It Anyway?

My most fave: The L Word, but it’s not shown here in Manila, damn it!

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Hate is too strong a word.

Appalled: by my guy neighbor who steals my parking slot.

25. What was the best book you read?

I can’t say for sure. I need to read more.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Anton Ramos c/o B.

27. What did you want and get?

A girlfriend.

Travel.

A diamond-studded white-gold ring. An Ipod. A new car.

Peace of mind.

Woah. Lucky Bitch.

28. What did you want and not get?

World peace. End of hunger. Cure for AIDS and fast cure for cancer.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

Regretfully, ‘didn’t get to watch a lot of movies this year.

But probably Mr. and Mrs. Smith, just because I watched it in a new cinema in Singapore where popcorn was served in a huge crystal bowl, wine and beer can be scheduled for serving at anytime within the movie and I was sat in a business class-type seat that can be stretched and reclined.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

28. I spent it with B. We were lucky she was on break.

She gave my birthday gift on the shores of Krabi, Thailand. We had dinner at Pepato, Greenbelt 3 on the exact day.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

There’s no one thing. Everything was good last year and I thank God and the universe for it.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?

Risky. Kikay. As long as it contributes to self-reinvention, I welcomed it.

33. What kept you sane?

B. Friends. Family.

But they’re also the ones who drove me nuts. Hehehe.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Katherine Moennig – the one who played Shane in The L Word.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

Hello Garci.

36. Who did you miss?

My younger sister. Our fights, our parties and our shopping sprees.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

My girlfriend, of course.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005.

To whom much is given, much is expected.

If you don’t have anything good to say, shut up.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I can’t at the moment. I don’t think any song can sum up the year.

2005 was just too fab!

2005 Boons and Banes

This has been a yearly tradition for me – to recap the year that was, to look back and reflect on the things I’ve done and events that transpired.

In a nutshell, 2005 was another year of roller coaster ride, what with my usually-larger-than-life escapades. I wish some of them weren’t for real, but as they say, sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.

My year-ender of boons and banes:

1. Cutting loose and letting go.

I never thought I could do it. Nor did I ever imagine that I will ever be capable of totally and literally deleting a few people who I realized were “baggage” that prevented me from moving on. I always felt guilty for ignoring and not being there for friends and loved-ones who were emotional parasites – those that fed on my own well-being and whose welfare I attended to first, before my own, yet brought me nothing but aggravation.

No guilt was felt. Raoul. Rafael. Deleted from system. File not found.

2. Tried, tested, true friends.

Hallelujah for this! If there is one thing that I will not run out of, this is it – true friends. I pride myself for being a fiercely loyal ally. I expect nothing less. And I am grateful that at this point, I know who my emergency numbers are – those who I can call at 3am, those who will pick me up wherever I am and whatever time it is.

Cheers to my best bud Ian and to my soul and wicked sister Celia. To Arlene – I am grateful that we found each other again (despite the vexations of our exes). To Gemma, Bobby, Jonathan, Che, She, Marc, Ryan, Yasmine, Nino, Panet, Arnold, Maite. To my mentors Doji and Romy. To myGlobe. To ABSi friends. To my OHSI inspiration.

Time and distance can keep friends apart. But the real ones will stick around, nonetheless.

3. School.

Back in school last October. 3 more subjects before graduation day. A long, treacherous and expensive endeavor. All for the love of the academe and the quest for higher learning.

Shyet.

4. New job.

Basta sa amin, posible!

It will come as a shock for me if you haven’t heard of our current company slogan.

April 1, 2005 – I officially became an employee of the second largest telecom in the country. I am, once again, under the wings and mentoring of my all-time favorite boss cum mentor cum friend. My dream to go back to my first love and dream industry finally came true. Did I mention I have a kick-ass team?

And there is no turning back.

5. New job, therefore, new car. Zara.

Delivered last October 7. An advance birthday present for myself.She’s the way I want her to be. Brand new. Red. Sleek but not a fuel-monster.

She’s mine. Mine!

6. Wanderlust.

I was bitten by the travel bug this year. And this is one of my major accomplishments. Three Asian countries in a span of six months. And all for leisure, at that. Party, friends and the great sale in Singapore; beach, spa, shopping and tornado-watching in Thailand; shopping and ultimately finding love in Hong Kong (Uuuuuuy! Baduy!)

Revisited Palawan in August. Watched the sunset. Frolicked in the beach. Got drunk. And got drunk some more.

7. Acknowledging responsibility.

Since childhood, I have never been insulated from our family issues. In fact, I was my mother’s shock absorber and cushion. I have been given responsibilities far greater than what is usually expected from someone like me at my age.

Before the year ended, I have finally accepted that all these responsibilities are mine. Nobody else will cover for me or for my family. And it is God’s blessing that I am given this chance to take care of my loved-ones.

8. Big.

I met Big. The British version. I lost him, too, in a span of three months (Or was it the other way around? He lost me within three months, har har!). But I will be eternally grateful to him for giving me one of the greatest experiences of all time. I enjoyed playing the fab gal who chose his cutlery, wine glasses and bathroom towels.

Thank you for one helluva trip! For the thousand dollar dinners, for the intellectual conversations, for the walks in the park, for the ostentatious exclusive parties, for the champagne brunches and red wine nights, for making me stay in your posh apartment and educating me about starting my own antique collection.

More importantly, thank you for the realization: that after the grand parties come the nursing of an awful hangover, that a huge apartment in a Forbes-type Singapore village feels so empty when I am left by myself by a partner who travels a lot, let alone drinks too much and stays late more often than he is home; that white linen sheets get stained by tears and that mascara smudges on them are hard to clean. That a lush life is fine by me. But it will never determine my happiness. NEVER.

9. Self-discovery.

Regardless of others’ perception, how I see myself has never been clearer. Now more than ever, I am certain of what I want, how I am, who I was and who I want to be.

I will not settle for less. I will never be complacent. I want passion – a lot of it – and it is not something that I can give up and compromise. Passion in my private affairs, in how I do things, in the way I work. It is the fuel that pushes me to aspire, to do better, and make sure I get what I want.

I have a psychedelically-colored past that I am proud of and that I will happily look back to when I am old. Let no one pass judgment of it.

Most of all, I uphold my integrity and respect for myself – in anything that I do – this is a guiding principle.

10. Finally, B.

It’s like moving houses. It gets tiring when done too often. Or sometimes, just when you thought you already want to settle into one for good, circumstances will compel you to move out once again and find another place to live in.

She came in the most unexpected of time. I wasn’t deliberately looking for her. And I wasn’t exactly very excited to “shift paradigms” once again, only for me to be disappointed in the end.

But the universe and common friends both conspired for the date (that was one year in the making) to finally happen.

The rest is history.

I am just grateful for this warm, cozy feeling. Of being in a relationship with someone I am in love with who loves me in return. She can get a little crazy and jealous sometimes, but I appreciate the depth of the emotional connection and conversations, the pampering, how we are with each other – and everything else that is in the relationship.

I hope I’m finally home this time.

Happy 2006, folks! May this year be fabulous - blessed with love, health and wealth for us!

Insulator/Cushion/Shock Absorber

There will be instances when you really have to be one. Especially if you care for the person.

To make someone feel better, to alleviate certain stress, pain or discomfort.

It's okay to be one.

Every now and then.

But sometimes, consistently being one and yet still being subject to tirades and irate remarks can just be the straw that will break the camel's back.

While it has not yet been broken in my case, I am trying to count sheep.

God, give me patience.

One sheep, two sheep, three... five hundred... seven hundred and two... one thousand...

Christmas – in full circle

Almost the same time last year, I was getting dead wasted in the beach with my friends – Gemma, Bobby and Teng. We were crazy beach brats – driving off to the nearest yet finest beaches in Batangas to just lie on the white sand, stare at the stars and get so drunk, thanks to our favorite Chilean Merlot and Chiraz.

Sounds super fun, huh?

Actually, they were commiserating with me - mourning the death of a love affair, the ultimate ending of a love story.

‘Seems like ages ago.

12 months after…

I am back on my feet again.

I have a wonderful life, a great job, a new and fab partner.

Thanks to the beach brats. I will never forget how patient they all were:

– with Bobby driving to Batangas despite his slipped disc,

– with Gemma listening intently to all my rants and being objective about everything although she was originally Ariel’s good friend,

– and Teng being the always-available funny man who effortlessly cheered me up with his uber-jologs antics.

This year, Bobby spent the New Year in the hospital. He needed to go under the knife to finally kick that slipped disc out. Gemma and I visited him on the 30^th, brought him chocolate cake and wished him well.

I’ve been spending more time with Gemma again. Her turn to experience love woes, courtesy of the cheating boyfriend (read: asshole!).

Teng is a different story, though. Like me, Teng’s finally getting lucky in romance. Woohoo!

My turn to be the good and reliable friend. Who will listen. Who will be there. Who will feel for them. Who will rejoice in their happiness. Who will share their pain.

Not to sound like I am rejoicing other’s misery – but I felt Christmas spirit more because of them.

It sounds really preachy – but I didn’t feel it because of all the gifts, the parties, the alcohol and all the Christmas food.

Christmas this year – felt more like Christmas because I knew and felt I am a partner, a friend, a daughter. Someone who cares for people I love, and someone who is being cared for.

Cheers to that!

Christmas spirit, please. Not Christmas rush.

I couldn't get myself to write anything here for a month now.

I've been incoherent and inconsistent for the entire month of December. It must be the Christmas rush and the nostalgia (or is it the trauma?) of December last year.

A few of my random thoughts:

1. December 9-13, 2004 - the longest 5 days of my life. The process of breaking up with Ariel was very painful. A year has passed. I still revisit the pain. I don't think I will ever heal completely. From being hurt. And from knowing that I devastated someone who truly loved me.
2. One year - after I purchased my first car from my own savings and got myself flat broke in doing so. I just had to do it. To redeem myself, my pride. Some women cut their hair or go on a shopping spree after a breakup. I bought myself a car.
3. I'm glad I have finally recovered from the financial crisis that my car purchase caused me. And I'm glad I can again buy gifts for my family, loved-ones and friends.
4. Romantic relationships and their maintenance come easy for some people. Not for me. It always means double effort (compared to others) and a plethora of difficulties. Am I really that complicated?
5. Family. We really can't choose them. Despite the pain, the responsibilities that were passed on to me, I care for them deeply.
   
6. Emotional maturity and self-sufficiency. I thought I will never come to this point because I always felt I needed someone to put things in perspective for me, to give meaning to my life. Of course, to have someone and share life with them makes a whole lot of difference. But I also realized I am not afraid to choose solitude if it happens to be the better option.
7. Compassion. Despite my own temporal pain and grief - there are others out there, hurting more than I do. Truth of the matter is, I should be counting my blessings. Because I had loads this year. Instead of focusing on me, myself - I have to be a daughter, a sister, a friend and a partner - someone who will extend love and compassion to those who need them.
   

Can I just say?

The younger lesbian generation is a better-looking bunch. Back in my exclusive party days, it was the usual butch-femme categorization where the guy-looking dykes pair up with the femmes.

Nowadays, you will see a more androgynous version of these butches - still having this boyish bearing but more feminine - more open to tank tops and make-up. Gone are the clutch-toting dykes. And the butches - though still butches - are good-looking, worthy of a second look.

Grabe, ang gaganda ng mga lesbyana ngayon. Hail to more choices!

Isn't it ironic?

This morning, I woke up extra early to have time to go to the carwash. Zara badly needs some good ol' scrub.

A few minutes after driving out of the carwash, it rained.

Oh well. There goes my P125.

Current Top 10

1. B. The ultimate proof that the best of things come to those who wait. Everything that I am looking for. Still driving me nuts with her jealousy, but drives me crazy with all our funny antics, quiet yet comfortable moments. Still lingering on those sweet and honest mornings. And her hot cup of coffee before I shower.

2. Current state and frame: Happily, mushily in love but still very grounded. Still with a justifiable dose of fear and paranoia but at the same time cutting myself some slack. Yep, I’m going to take care of it this time.

3. Spoiled rotten. By B. And she does it well – spoiled enough for me to feel pampered, but not too much for me to not appreciate it anymore.

4. Still your not-so-usual feisty bitch. I doubt it if I’m really the Godmother of Bitches, as Gemma claims. But thank you for the flattery. I know for sure there are others bitchier than me. I just know when and where to be one.

5. A walking paradox. I am. I’m capable of giving heaven or raising hell. Depends whether you’re a good person or otherwise. I can be a social maven one time or may decide to lock myself in on another. I can be very active outdoors or may decide to be a couch potato for two days, just watching re-runs.

6. Neither lesbian nor straight. For someone who has strong women and lesbian politics, categorization is a very cruel injustice.

7. FF. Stands for Fantastic Friends. I have an arsenal of fiercely loyal friends. As I am to them. I will be eternally grateful.

8. Balanced. I’m rarely judgmental or overly-critical. I give people credit. And benefit of the doubt. But I'm very opinionated, too.

9. Shane. I’m so in like with Shane – Katherine Moennig’s character in the L Word – right now. If I didn’t have a girlfriend, I would have stalked her in LA already. Hahaha!

10. Grateful. Blessed. For all the good things happening and coming my way. Life is good!

MBA - Modified Behavior Without Awareness

My officemates would hear me grunt and complain about B's incessant phone calls.

Romy calls us Sun Cellular - 24/7, unlimited on the phone.

But she's in New York right now.

And we're 12 hours away from each other.

She's asleep, as I work. She starts her day, as I end mine.

Gawd, I miss her. Like crazy.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.


Thailand. Sawasdee!

'Been to Thailand with B for 5 days last week.

Fab! Fab! Fab!

It was a mix-mo of fun, fights and bloopers. And awesome food that made me forget the word "diet."

And got a wonderful tan, too!

Pictures to be posted on the next blog.


Welcome, Zara!

No, not the Spanish brand of clothes.

I meant Zara, my new tango red Honda City 2005 car! Woohoo!

She was delivered to me last Friday. She's just soooo pretty!

Romy went with me to pick her up in the parking lot. She's so gandaaaa!!!

She's got 6 speakers, too. Fab, booming bass. My hip-hop CD collection got resurrected.

Romy gave me glass plates for my plate cards. His birthday gift. Salamat, Direk!

Happy, happy, joy, joy!


Long-lost old friend

Migs is an old friend from college.

Last week, my office landline rang. It was him. Asking me if it was really me. Well, duh!?!?

Turns out that we are in the same building. And yes, we are working for the same company.

He reminded me of who he was. For the first few minutes, he didn't ring a bell.

Then, he went like, "Migs, as in with eyeglasses. Masscomm. We used to hang out."

Then it occurred to me. Damn! He was that nerdy guy I used to hang out with at the Music Hall! I used to have this little crush on him. Yep, had a penchant for nerdies/dorkies but cute guys that time.

We had coffee this afternoon. He's married now. So I had the surprise of my day when he blurted out he used to have this big crush on me even before we got intro'ed in our journalism class. He used to see me walking and hanging out with my snooty college friends.

'Said he was trying to find me all these years. He lost my mobile number, I moved out. The rest is history. Maybe he's pulling my leg. Maybe he's not. I've always known him as a nice, sincere guy.

Oh, well. Another case of "too late the hero." Some people are meant to be just that: college crushes.

I neither feel bad nor sorry about it. If we dated, he would have been another casualty. And I am happy where I am. Spell HITCHED.

My personal space

This blog.

It has been in existence since 2002.

Prior to this was another one which I started in 2000.

I have been writing and sharing my thoughts, feelings, dementia and neurosis online for the past 5 years now.

I enjoy lazy Saturday afternoons in my apartment, blogging about things both trivial and otherwise, while sipping a glass of my favorite French wine.

I love it more, when I try to space out at work and waste a wee bit of company time by writing updates and publishing posts.

Initially, it was only shared to very, very close friends. The ones in ABS, fellow blog-kadas. Best friends. The “circle of trust” only grew when other bloggers stumbled upon this and started including me in their “Blog-Worthy.” And when fellow bloggers started posting messages and writing me emails.

Thank you, people. I am very honored.

This space means a lot to me. It is my own.

I was willing to share it with the better friends in the bunch, because I trust them. I shared it with strangers, because anonymity gave me comfort. And a twisted sense of security.

This blog has been a witness to the people who came in my life and those who have gone. This is my sounding board for all the highs I felt, and the lows I experienced.

Past, failed relationships. Lost friendships, rediscovered ones.

But this was NEVER shared to lovers and loves – past, present and future.

I always felt that this was one of the very few avenues where I can share how I think and feel about things- uncut, unplugged. This is where I can admit that I am happy, I am hurt, I cheated, I was cheated on – unabashedly, unapologetically.

This is my own definition of freedom of speech and expression – where I will not be castigated.

My thoughts are my own. They shouldn’t be taken against me.

But B found it.

Call me stupid, but I actually had a hand in it.

B knows I write. And that I have been maintaining this. I never really told her where or how to find it.

But I left clues. Not very easy ones, but breadcrumb trails to find it.

And she did.

Thanks or no thanks to Yahoo.

Somehow, within my recesses, I know I wanted her to do so. I have never done this before – to actually open myself and be nearly transparent.

Right now, I am. Or at least, I’m trying to.

Perhaps this is a residue of my hang-ups – to want to do things better this time. To really share my life. To share me.

So B ---

Things may shock and awe you – even frighten you a bit.

This is me. My thoughts.

I still want it to be the same. Real. Uncensored.

And it will be.

I wouldn’t have allowed you to see if I knew you couldn’t handle it.

Welcome to my space.

Growing pains

Barely a week in it and we're already experiencing some bumps here and there.

Nothing big, really. What a pun - yes, it was more about Big.

It's mostly about issues that should have been left in the past. Or the better way of putting it is that people in our past should have been left where they belong - in our history.

My mistake really, was not giving enough reassurance and sense of security about where B is in my life. Not that there is really something to worry about. I was pretty much concerned with my own self-preservation. I somehow forgot that I should have considered hers, too.

Things are all good. Adjusting, but right now, life can never be better.

To B, thanks for understanding.

Thanks for tiding me over something and someone.

I may not say it all the time, I may not show you everything I feel. But you know how much you mean to me.

We will get there - just be more patient.

But so far, with you, life is good.

Anger management

I need to get this out.

I am angry. Resentful.

You should have given me more credit.

That I would have understood. That I would have been happy for you. For us.

Instead you chose the path of betrayal.

I felt you cheated on our friendship. Which I thought would stick. Which we decided to keep - regardless of our ending.

But thank you. For validating my presumptions.

I am angry. But I don't regret whatever happened.

Things will blow over.

I am angry. But I can't get myself to be angry at you.