First bitching of the year – when I can’t help it

He has good intentions.

He is earnest.

He is sincere.

And I am in love with him.

Yet when I come to terms with reality, sometimes I can’t help it.

I can’t help but resent our circumstance.

To the point of resenting him.

It saddens me.

It angers me.

Yet everyday, I decide that he’s worth it.

Looking Back

“The unexamined life is not worth living.”

- Socrates

Year 2 that I will be answering these questions, as a semi-reflection of the year that passed.

1. What did you do in 2006 that you’ve never done before?

Take a very big risk to be with someone I love. Change paradigms and just make the jump, despite all the uncertainties that I’m currently facing.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I had no resolutions – just big plans, which for the most part, were realized.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Hmmm… parang wala. Chegay, you didn’t give birth again, did you? Haha.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No. Thank God, no.

5. What countries did you visit?

Macau, Hong Kong and Thailand.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?

Same thing I wrote last year: Spiritual growth. A princess-cut diamond ring set in a white gold band. Assurance and security within my relationship. Him for myself with a lot of time together.

7. What date(s) from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

April 27 – my career and my personal direction changed (I cannot write here why exactly), but some who might read this will just know so

June 15 – when Nanay suffered a stroke

July 31 – when I finally got my certification

October 17 – my first birthday party for a long time

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

My usability certification.

Being good friends again with Ariel (which was what I wrote was my biggest failure last year).

Being able to provide for my family.

Finding love.

Writing beautiful poetry.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Losing love.

Not being able to keep my relationship with B.

Not being able to spend more time with some friends.

Not writing more.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yes. I was sick most of the time. All kinds that I never even had before!

11. What was the best thing you bought?

For myself, none. Most of the extra cash were used to spend for Nanay. I still did a lot of clothes and shoes-shopping, though.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

His – for his life-altering changes, for falling in love with me and for thinking and considering my feelings and my needs

Hers – for loving me unconditionally, for trying to do everything for my welfare, for trying to make things work

Nanay – for being brave; for loving me all my life

Mine – for weathering the toughest of times and for all the heartaches I experienced

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Mine – for not being able to let her go in the right time; for being selfish

Hers – for hurting me; for all the cruel words said

His – for not knowing what to do first; for not being able to deal with the past in the way that it should be dealt with

14. Where did most of your money go?

Nanay. Clothes. Shoes. Bags. More clothes. Shoes. Bags.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Travel. My job. Love. Life in general.

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?

Frightened by Toby Lightman.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder?

Happier

thinner or fatter?
Thinner. Which is good.

richer or poorer?
Richer. Which is better.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Spent time with my Nanay (Grandma). More time writing.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Crying.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

Spent Christmas the traditional way – Christmas Eve with family. Christmas evening with high school friends.

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?

Yes.

22. How many one-night stands?

None. I don’t do that stuff.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

A lot – One Tree Hill, The OC, Will and Grace.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Yep. I’m no saint.

25. What was the best book you read?

Still The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Toby Lightman

27. What did you want and get?

A lot of things.

Someone.

Love.

Travel.

A lot of signature bags.

My certification.

28. What did you want and not get?

The whole of him.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

Hmmm… no movie in particular.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

29. Had a birthday party at The Bedroom Bar, Eastwood with good friends and loved ones. Received a surprise visit and gift.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

The year has been good. I still want to have and achieve a lot of things but I can not ask for anything more. To God, I’m just grateful.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?

Unique. Outrageous. Anything that contributes to self-reinvention.

As what Jay said, “one woman, one hundred looks.”

33. What kept you sane?

The same people who drove me nuts the whole year round: Him. My Mom. My Bestfriends.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Angeline Jolie.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

Saddam.

36. Who did you miss?

Old friends. My sister.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

RC.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.

Life is not the amount of breaths you take. It’s the moments that take your breath away.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I still can’t!

Life is fab!

Of Flashbacks and Updates

More than 2 months of hiatus – this is by far the longest time that I have not blogged about anything.

For the strangest of reasons, I just can’t get myself to write. There were so many things happening all at the same time. So many things to say yet I couldn’t get myself to.

It was writing limbo for me. I was literally stuck in a writing rut. So here I am, trying to get my groove back by giving updates of what transpired and did not transpire over the past 2 months:

1. Losing a Love. Yes, it’s true. She and I headed to splitsville. We tried to part ways amicably, but just recently had a huge fight that finally spelled out how the way things should end. For now. I loved her – truly, deeply – despite her misconceptions. As she will always be someone that I will love and care for. I will miss our good times together. Truth be told, I love doing things with her – something that held me back for a long time.

2. Finding a New Love. It may seem to be too fast, too soon, but this has been in gestation for a while. We met in the most unexpected time and place, and this is the most complicated situation that I ever got myself into. If I’m headed for another heartbreak --- that is the quintessential question for now. Screw it. I already made up my mind. You know who you are. Don’t go breaking my heart.

3. Moving out, moving in. I finally did it. I moved to a new, cozier and better apartment. I now have my own parking slot and more space for new clothes, new shoes and new cabinets. And I’m 15 minutes away from the office, too!

4. THE “Surprise” Birthday party. RC surprised me by going to Manila for my birthday and throwing me a birthday bash with my closest of friends and officemates at The Bedroom Bar, Eastwood. I know he doesn’t know 85% of my posse’ that time, so it was a huge effort. Thank you.

5. Travel. My most favorite thing ever. ‘Been to the “in” resort of the moment - Antulang Resort in Dumaguete for a beach weekend and to Bangkok, Thailand for a quick shopping and museum trip.

6. Family Christmas. Last year, I decided to spend Christmas evening by myself – having wine and cheese while opening my Christmas presents. Christmas 2006 was spent with family. I’m so glad I did.

7. New Year parteeeeeyh. We created a new family tradition of checking in a hotel on New Year’s Eve. We started this last year, to avoid the smog of the fireworks. This year, we did the same thing, but for the first time in my life, I partied after New Year’s Eve. I headed to Mezze’ Greenbelt with Celia at 2:30am to party the morning away. Barely 5 minutes inside the club and the guys were already picking us up or trying to buy us drinks. 5 sets of guys in one night --- we were barely left to ourselves when all we really wanted to do was dance and drink with just the 2 of us! We were actually shocked by the propositions – ganito na ba ang dating scene ngayon?

So, nothing really new. Life for me is still an amalgam of highs and lows. Just exactly how life should be lived.

Happy New Year, everyone! Cheers to happier, better, healthier, wealthier and lovelier lives!

29

The last twenty-something for me.

29. It's a good age, so they say.

Let's see how things go.

Grateful to God for all the blessings.

Unexpected closure and reckoning

I have never obliterated anybody in my life – no matter how much pain they have inflicted on me – except for one person:

The Buddy.

The Buddy made his way through several entries in this blog last year.

All of a sudden, the pining, the whining, the longing (mine, for that matter) for him all stopped.

He hurt me. Badly.

There was no excuse for what he did.

He took advantage of my feelings, my sincerity, my loyalty, my vulnerability.

Worst, he took advantage of our friendship.

Ever since Doji’s party last year, I literally erased him in my life.

Phone numbers – both in the States and here in Manila, addresses in LA and in Ayala Alabang, all instant messengers, all email addresses.

I just didn’t want to have ANYTHING to do with him.

Then mid-Sunday afternoon, out of nowhere, there he was.

Asking for forgiveness.

Admitting how much of a jerk and a dumb-ass (his words, not mine) he was.

How much sorry he feels, how he never meant to hurt me, and how sincerely he felt for the two of us.

But he just couldn’t do anything about his situation.

That’s why he opted to just walk away.

From us.

For several years, I ached for him.

I moved heaven and earth for him.


When he walked out on us, I was crushed. I was broken.

I was angry. Utterly disappointed.

But I couldn’t stay angry at a person for a long time.

I have long forgiven The Buddy.

Both he and I had our own reasons why we both risked, why things didn’t work out.

He had his reasons why he decided to let go.

But after the apology, after hearing how much he really cared for me, how much torment he felt after I decided to eradicate him from my life…

I didn’t feel like gloating. I didn’t feel happy, or proud.

That he is down on his knees, haunted by the wrong he did.

I only care for and fall in love with someone once in this lifetime.

And frankly, at this point, when it comes to The Buddy…

I just don’t give a damn.

TGIF – in its truest sense

Friday – my most favorite day ever, as it signals the beginning of the weekend. When all work comes to a halt (unless the boss says otherwise, darn it!) and the fun begins.

For the first time in a very long time, I meant it.


Thank, God it’s Friday.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

This week has been rough to me, I just wanted it to end.

Monday didn’t start out too well – what with a missing IP address that paralyzed almost my entire day at work since I didn’t have Internet connection. From there, the next days felt difficult. It seemed like I had to exert a lot of effort just to do things right and make things right.

I’m a firm believer in starting the week right. Mondays should always be good – so that the rest of the days will be better. Screw up Monday, your whole week is screwed up entirely.

I know, I know. Self-fulfilling prophecy.

But this week: hanging laptop + conflicting connections of my email and YM (thus, I cannot do both simultaneously) + flooded streets + flooded parking + gloomy weather = blah mood.

My car – Zara – is coding every Friday so I have to wake up really early to go to work.
I’m sleepy until now – but I feel the greatest relief just knowing that it’s Friday.

And tonight, I will be clinking margarita and wine glasses with friends.

Cheers!

How to come around

If you ask me, I'd like things to be a bit simpler than they are now.

If I'd like to go back?

Most definitely.

I want comfortable, honest mornings. I want the smell of coffee while I shower and get ready for work.

I want her to be there - just lazily lying on my bed as she watches me select and unselect an office outfit - tossing shirts and pants here and there.

But why is it just so difficult to come around?

I am not a brooding person. I don't like bearing grudges against anyone. It's bad vibes. Too negative.

But there were things said that hurt me. They pierced through me.

There were words and accusations hurled that made me question myself.

Whenever I think about things said and done --- it still hurts. I still feel crushed.

Sometimes, I wonder - can someone who really fell in love with me hurt me through words?

If someone knows the formula on how to easily come around, then do let me know.

I wish I can go back. I really wish I could.

Carrie, Carrie, all Carrie

Well, what do you know...

Carmela gave me this Sex and the City blogthing.

I'm most like Carrie.

Like all my friends - I wasn't surprised at all.

You Are Most Like Carrie!

You're quirky, flirty, and every guy's perfect first date. But can the guy in question live up to your romantic ideal? It's tough for you to find the right match - you're more than a little picky. Never fear... You've got a great group of friends and a great closet of clothes, no matter what! Romantic prediction: You'll fall for someone this year... Totally different from any guy you've dated.

Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You?

Back to Basics

My life is back to normal – almost.


After months and months of preparation for the certification exam and my incessant partying to relieve stress, for the first time in a long time, I spent my weekend NOT worrying about how to pass the test and get certified.


I actually found myself surprised – wow – I’ve got nothing much to do!

Truthfully, with all the pressure at work and in school (yes, I’ve totally taken my Masters for granted), the short trip to China and Hong Kong (which I didn’t even write about here. Busy!) and all the emotional roller coaster ride I am still currently going through, I don’t think things will ever go back to where they were.

Fact of life --- every single moment we spend changes the way we are, who we are – even who we would like to be in the future. I just hope I don’t change that much to not recognize myself in the mirror anymore. Change is good, for as long as it is so because of our quest for higher truth and our core principles are followed.

Now that the roller coaster has slowed down just a bit, I realized, I miss and have missed out on a lot of things:

1. Long Sunday brunches with Doji
2. Reading fashion magazines or sensible books in a café by myself
3. Coffee with my Speed Dials – Ian and Celia
4. Even Margarita Wednesdays with Gemma
5. Conversations with my Grandmother – Nanay can only utter syllables after her stroke
6. Movies and dinner with my Mom
7. Shopping with my Sister – I really hope she goes home soon
8. Laughing out loud
9. The true and sincere affection of a dedicated love
10. Not feeling hurt and broken

Amidst the alcohol, the partying and the loud music that have been my regular recluse for how many Fridays now, it’s really the simplest of things that have the most profound effect, the deepest dent in my life.
And I wouldn’t mind going back.

Unsettling

“I sure hope there’s something better for us. Here we are, fab women, who I think are ready and have the life skills to make good partners and create a loving environment, but for some reason, we don’t have the one person to share our lives with.”

This is the text that I got from one of my Magic 5, Celia.

I was in the middle of a meeting when we started texting each other. Celia dropped me some lines that she’s back in Kuala Lumpur. Too bad we didn’t get the chance to have dinner and indulge ourselves in our usual nice, long, waxing philosophical conversations.

I felt sad when I read her message. Actually, right smack in the middle of a stressful update meeting, I felt a lump in my throat building up.

She’s right.

Here we are – wonderful, smart, fabulous women who have their own career and money, who know how to cook, prepare a wonderful dinner and entertain guests with animated conversations – yet we don’t have that one person to share and witness our lives.

What the hell is wrong in our world?

Actually, I can answer that myself.

It’s not that there isn’t anybody there. There are a lot of options, but the more important issue is – how to choose the right one.

The One – is hard to find.

The passion, the connection – all in the realm of the intellectual, the emotional and the physical – are just really difficult to fabricate. If it is not there, then it really isn’t.

Both Celia and I will not settle. Not for anything less.

And both she and I know that.

On my end, I am still in search for that passion.

I don’t want to be with someone who just likes me too much. I just don’t want to be adored. I want to be loved. Cared for. Looked after. In the way that I will love and care for the person.

I want a witness to my life. I want to be a witness to his or her life.

I want honest mornings. Comfortable togetherness. Passionate kisses.

I want it all.

I may do things differently in finding The One. Love me or hate me for it. But I’m taking my chances.

I will not settle.

I want it all.

Certified

July 31, 2006 - I, along with 9 other GT colleagues, took and passed the Certified Usability Analyst (CUA) certification exam.

I am now officially one of the first certified Filipino usability engineers in the country.

Thank you, God.

Thank you, friends and family, who wished me well and prayed for me.

Another milestone in my life this year.

Still thinking of what I want to get for myself as a reward.

Quiet Desperation

"Many of men live lives of quiet desperation. Perhaps the desperation could not be quieted anymore."

- Shall We Dance

I cannot be made as an excuse to escape from reality. As I am reality myself.

What I'd like to do is live my life - share the life of someone else. Fully.

I cannot make you a part of my life if you can only give me a fraction of it.

Because I want it all. Every moment, every part. Painful, sad, quiet, happy, ecstatic. Whatever they may be I want to be a witness to it. And I want my life to be witnessed. Fully.

So if you cannot give me this, banish the thought of being with me.

The One will give me his or her life. As I will give mine.

Margarita nights

Wednesday, half past 8.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. This is not good. I'm still in the office, rush-editing design templates for another major project.

Maaaan - I know Big Boss wants me to get involved with highly visible projects but I'm drowning here already.

No wonder Wednesday yuppie nights got invented. By this time, we feel like walking zombies already.

Damn, I need a glass. Now!

Forever Indebted

Same time last week, I was very stressed and angst-ridden, what with my workload in the office. I actually contemplate sometimes if all my hard work is worth it. I sacrifice weekends and vacation leaves just to get things done.

Projects haunt me even when I’m already lining up at the immigration or I am tucked away somewhere in Hong Kong. There are always incessant phone calls, emails and text messages, following up on this and that project.

Thursday --- it hit me.

Several minutes after I put down my laptop, one of the maids called me to tell me that my Grandma – Nanay – was rushed to the hospital. She suffered a stroke during lunch time.

I had a long queue of projects and to-dos --- but I seemed to have forgotten all of them. Screw it.

I literally flew to go to the hospital to make sure she’s alright. My heart was already in my throat. I was driving and I was making phone calls to check if she’s stable, if she’s conscious, if she will be fine. I wanted to hear it --- that it’s nothing. It’s fine. She will be fine.

I made phone calls to the three most important friends in my life. My voice was breaking, but I couldn’t cry. I was frightened and I was hurt. I was guilty, too. I haven’t seen Nanay for the past several weeks.

She stayed in the Acute Stroke Unit for five days before she was sent to a regular room. She’s still there in the hospital right now – more stable but the doctors need to still observe her.

She couldn’t talk. When I talk to her, she only nods or shakes her head to agree or disagree.

But whenever I am there to visit, her face would always light up. She would make the best effort to move herself closer to me. She would hold my hand.

Last night, it was her birthday. I was there when the visiting hours already started. She smiled as she saw me enter the door. I kissed her cheeks and greeted her Happy Birthday.

When I was telling her stories about what happened to me the entire day, tears were rolling down her cheeks.

She already wants to go home. I know she worries about me a lot. And I know she is very concerned that I will be financially burdened with the hospital bills since I am the one supporting both her and Mom.

I told her not to worry about anything. I will find a way. I will take good care of her. I will always be there.

There are people in your life that you will do just about anything for them. To me, Nanay is one of them.

I guess, this is true love for me. Romantic love has left and failed me several times.

But not this one. And I will be eternally grateful to her.

Rainy days for the Sunshine Girl

Almost all of my friends know that I’m a good-natured person. I’m fun to be with – something that I know I can claim, as evidenced by the circles of friends that I try so hard to maintain and regularly touch base with.

I love parties, casual dinners and the legendary margarita and wine nights with the ladies. I’m a fantabulous shopping buddy. I’m a wonderful beach comber. I’m the forever “one-of-the-boys” girl-kada that most girlfriends of my guy friends are jealous of.

Most of the time, the sun is out in my area, so to speak. I should have been named Summer.

But seasons end. After summer, comes the rainy days. And I am currently in the middle of it.

I am going through a tough time in my life right now. Trials and tribulations are coming one after the other. I was very forlorn when the week started. Right now, I still feel sad. Cold. Alone. But better.

So friends, it’s my turn to have one of those days. I’m not normally like this, so I hope you can give this to me. Allow me the moment to take in the pain, to shed tears, to spend quiet moments with myself. It’s probably something that I need to go through to form my character.

The times are tough, but I know I will get by.

For the true friends who have been worried about me --- my endless gratitude goes out to you. More than worrying about me, please pray for my loved ones – for my Nanay to get better so I can bring her back home safe, sound and healthy. For B, to find true love and self realization, with or without me.

The sun will come out again… very soon.

Settling

I’m not sure if one of my not-so-close girlfriends broke up with her beau, but I need to quote her on what she wrote:

“Have you ever wondered what it must feel like married to the one you settled on? This truly gives me great feelings of anxiety. It might be difficult to accept the word "settle" because it conjures up images of quasi-happiness and half-hearted glee.

Yes, there is some sort of satisfaction and perhaps, some feeling of security that can be derived from such a partnership but I wonder, could there be anything more?

To settle is to ultimately accept what is within reach, what is available, what is there. To settle is to convince one's self that the decision about to be made is inevitable, realistic, and safe. To settle is to risk not ever being truly happy because one decides to adopt the worst type of 'come what may' attitude on life's greatest challenges.

And settling is a sorry consequence of the passage of time. Yes, time can be the balm that soothes open, painful wounds in one's heart but it can also be that dark force that manipulates one's mind into thinking and believing that the choice one has made is the best choice... the only choice.

What time does, and I'm sure you'll agree, is it lodges one's mind and heart in a cage with the door partly open - with the promise of a better life losing its appeal over the reality of the present, the convenient, and the routine.

The wickedness of "settling" is not one way. It also eventually hurts the one who was chosen because in all respects, the truth will surface. You no doubt realize that you just wasted each other's time and emotions. But then again, if your spouse chose you not because he or she "settled", then forget about the win-win situation you were gunning for.”

Whoah.

Heavy.

But I have to agree with her.

I guess, I don’t have to expound any further. Let me just quote Sex and the City’ Carrie Bradshaw (and this has been my mantra for 2 years now):

“I need love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without each other love.”

And you know, Badj is also right. There’s already a lot of mediocrity in life. Love shouldn’t be one of them. Two years ago, I learned my lesson the harder way and how I wish I know things better now.

So to my wonderful single girlfriends, I raise the glass in your honor. There is virtue in patiently and carefully selecting The One. Never settle. Ever.

And to those who are at a crossroad of whether to settle or not and to those who are currently settling, the middleground may not always be the safest place to be.

And you eventually have to leave that gray area and make a choice.

Blog galore!

I know! I'm blogging incessantly, probably to take advantage of some idle time that I rarely get these days. Besides, I need to keep my sanity intact, what with all my projects and the certification track I have to take 2 weeks from now.

Just a few rants and raves:

Rants

I just really need to bitch about this:

I've been a loyal Powerbooks client. In fact, I've kept my membership for almost 5 years now. I just noticed that their customer service is beginning to suck.

They used to be loved for their speedy yet courteous manner of attending to customers. They will be more than willing to ship your reserved book from their branch in Alabang to Greenbelt. And they will patiently look for your book or get it abroad (whatever and wherever it may be). In fact, they will even call you to notify you that your book already arrived.

This afternoon, I called Powerbooks Greenbelt to look for Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist: The Gift Edition. It's a limited hardbound edition that I would like to give to a friend as a birthday gift.

I asked the Customer Service Rep on the other line if they have it, by clearly saying both author and book.

He asked me: "Ano po, The Optimist?"

I had to repeat the title of the book and the author. And I had to spell both for him.

Eyes rolling. Hello!?!?!? The Alchemist happens to be consistently included in their bestsellers.

To make matters worse, I was put on hold for 10 friggin' minutes. When he got me again, he said: "Ma'am, nag-s-spell check pa po, eh."

Ohmygaaaaaaaaaawd.

At the very least, their reps should know what's in their much-coveted list.

I was so irritated I'm considering shifting loyalty to either Fully Booked or Page One.

I wish Barnes and Noble is here in Manila. :-(


Rave

Thanks to B. and her trip to Thailand and the US, I have loads of new stuff!

1. Bags, bags and more bags
- a light brown leather Steve Madden
- a straw hobo bag
- a Thai shoulder bag with quilts and prints for denim day

2. A Tinkerbell snowglobe from Disney, Cali
3. Silk pillow covers and quilts from Bangkok

Happy, happy, joy, joy!

Current faves

What's in my disc changer:

1. Sitti: Cafe' Bossa



Her rendition of Girl From Ipanema and Lady Wants to Know are notable.

2. Toby Lightman's Little Things



Can I just say!?!?! This CD is such a steal! I bought it on sale at a hundred bucks in Eastwood. I heard her acoustic of Frightened from long ago and I loved it. I was so surprised to see the CD on sale because her music is really good.


What I'm currently reading:

Aside from my usability manuals that are a foot high:

Devil Wears Prada



- from Mica. Sorry, Mother, haven't gotten the chance to return since we haven't seen each other after the picnic party!

What I am currently obsessing on:

1. Dopod



You ain't a geek if you don't have this! I know the technology is still quirky. Hell, that's the risk early adopters are willing to take!

2. Gucci Hobo bag



Bag, bag heaven! It's a social sin, I know! Sigh.

What I've been aching to read:

1. Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code: The Illustrated Version



I want to get the illustrated version so I don't have to research the paintings and places via the Internet.

2. The Lucky Shopping Manual - with all the must-have styling and fashion tips. I really gotta have this! Stole it momentarily from Carmela.

Far, far away

Alienated. Empty. Alone.

These are my exact feelings as I came back to my office from a quick round of beer with guy-kadas.

I realized --- I've been feeling this way for a month now.

I'm in a relationship that doesn't feel like one anymore.

There are times that I felt like giving up. What was the use of being with someone who isn't always there?

And if she is, she has the patience of a child. A temperament that I know I don't deserve.

I am distant. Here, yet not here. Transported in a far, far away land.

Away from my reality. Away from myself.

Whatever the outcome is evades me.

But I am definitely tired of the vicious cycle.

My own.