Friday Pick-Me-Up: Red Bags

Not a surprise to close friends - I'm a shopaholic.

Especially with bags.

If I need to get into rehab for something, it will be my addiction to bags. Branded or not - it doesn't matter to me. For as long as it's a current eye candy, then I want to have it!

For 3 days now, I have been obsessing with red bags.

Yes, it is my current must-have. I was actually looking for a nice red Gucci bag (to add to my Gucci bag collection) but I can't seem to find anything interesting in their Spring-Summer and Cruise collections.

I actually found a nice, shiny, red faux croc from Carlainity (P750 for 1 bag - what-a-steal!) but when I texted the owner, she just ran out of stock. Waaah.

So girlfriends, if you happen to see a really good one (and hopefully reasonably-priced), buzz me!

Charade

When are you going to stop playing it?

When will you ever stop living another life just to please others?

When are you going to stop feeling guilty about another's misery?

When will you stop sacrificing your happiness and your possible future for their sake?

When will you consider yours?

When will you make the stand?

When hope is lost

“The Warrior of the Light does not always have faith.

There are moments when he believes in absolutely nothing. And he asks his heart: “Is all this effort really worth it?”

But his heart remains silent. And the Warrior has to decide for himself.

He looks for an example and remembers that Jesus went through something similar in order to inhabit fully the human condition.

“Take away this cup from me,” said Jesus. He too lost his heart and courage, but he did not stop.

The Warrior of the Light continues despite his lack of faith. He goes forward and, in the end, faith returns.”

The past several days were torment.

I was extricated from my paradise, thrown into a bottomless abyss with nothing but darkness.

From the top, I saw the glimmer of light fading away from me. It is vanishing, vanishing, as total obscurity enveloped my entire being.

And nobody was there to rescue me.

I fell.

And I’m still falling.

I am falling into a bottomless pit, into an unknown eternity.

And the light is slowly dying.

Hope is lost with no promise of glory.

All that is left inside me is nothing but despair.

Hopelessness.

Despondency.

Neglect.

Failure.

As I fall, I feel the wind beneath me.

Nothing but the coldness of failure.

The pain of a broken heart and a broken spirit.

A lost soul with no hope, with no sense of being.

All direction is gone.

No horizon to see beyond the distance.

The light, slowly fades above me.

And the evil, bottomless pit continues to engulf me.

It feeds my despair, my loneliness, my emptiness.

As to when it will all end, if there is a ground that will crush me,

If there are demons rejoicing my dejection and my faded glory,

If there are vermins and vultures waiting to feed upon my dead body,

I will never know and I will never see…

If I don’t see it until the very end.

Indeed, the Warrior of the Light loses faith.

I feel the pain of a bleeding heart, of a beleaguered soul that lost its path.

Was I misguided?

Was I mislead to tread a path that is not really mine?

Was I deceived to fight for the truth, for justice that in the end is only a dreadful, evil lie?

Like a true Warrior, I lost my heart and my courage.

But in the end, I will never lose my sense of self, my spirit, my soul.

Despite the silence, the fear of the abyss and the dread of the fall,

A true Warrior sees things until the very end.

I will not hide, I will not close my eyes.

I will wield my sword and take on the battle again.

The Warrior never loses sight of the true path.

For the only obligation of a true Warrior in this lifetime…

Is to walk the true path and find her true Personal Legend.

The vermins and the vulture will have to wait.

Because for now, I am not yet dead.

Not even dying.

The spirit, the soul, will live for eternity.

- 18 March 2007
the sands of White Rock, Subic

Milestones in my life

Let's put aside my (semi) break-up blues for a while and celebrate some major milestones.

• Usability Week 2007 Conference in Hong Kong - Finally. After 5 years of waiting, I was able to attend Nielsen Norman Group's Usability Conference. What's more, it was held in Hong Kong. Free trip to my second home!
  

• Jakob Nielsen in the flesh - I know, I know. I'm such a major geek. I finally met Jakob Nielsen - the Father of Usability - in person! I have all his major books and in the conference after his workshop, I ran to the podium where he stood, introduced myself, shook his hand and asked him to sign my Usability Engineering book. I had to bite my lip to stop myself from screaming, "I'm such a huge fan!" Geek.
  

This really matters to me. I'm one of the very few professionals in my field in Asia Pacific. This is something worth toasting to.

Happy. :-)

Chronicles of the (semi) breaking up process

Day 1:

Current state

• Couldn't get up in the morning because phone call with him ended at almost 5am.
• I am Garfield-personified. Puffy eyelids and huge eyebags. Ugh. People in the office can't see me like this. Totally ugh.
• Decided to take half a day off.
  
• Migraine girl.
  
• Hung over from the 1 1/2 bottle of red wine I downed last night. Yes, by myself.
  
• The sun. It's hurting my eyes!
• Solitude. I'm on alone-mode right now. To process things on my own. Thanks, Gemma and Celia for offering to be there.
  

Coping mechanism

• Dressed up going to the office. Scoured through my cabinet for my cutest, nicest black and white Zara top, thick black belt, the highest silver sandals I can ever find on my shoe rack.
• Make up, make up, make up.
• Fab hair. Blow dry. Curl. Blow dry.
  
• Last smile in front of the mirror. You go girl! It's just another day.
• For someone who's just broken up, I don't look so bad!
  

Questions in my mind

• Why are we failing?
• What are we not doing right?

Emotional check

• I miss the guy. Sigh.

Foreboding

Not even the end of the month…

…and I already caught a clear glimpse of what’s to come.

At the back of my head, I knew it was a long shot. I was going up against a wall --- no --- a façade as huge as the IFC Tower.

Yet you assured me that we can make it through. Just hang in there. We can make it through.

I knew it was going to be difficult, if not nearly impossible.

But I was hoping against hope that you will surprise me.

I was hoping that you will pull through.

To conquer everything for what we believed is true love.

To reclaim true happiness, eternal glory.

To be resolved to stand up against everyone.

To fight for me.

Yet again, I was disappointed.

I was naïve. Or at least I tried to be.

To give you a chance to prove that we can make it.

I fought for you.

For all it’s worth, I did.

Now I’m just too exhausted to fight back.

What I was fighting for…

…is a lost cause.

All the world's roads lead to the heart of the Warrior; he plunges unhesitatingly into the river of passions always flowing through his life.

The warrior knows that he is free to choose his desires, and he makes these decisions with courage, detachment and - sometimes - with just a touch of madness.

- Warrior of the Light
Paulo Coelho

Antsy Pantsy

7 days from March.

I don’t know if I will look forward to it like receiving the best gift ever or dread it like the coming of a plague.

All I want is to have a normal yet happy life.

Sans the Gucci bags and the Louis Vuittons.

Yet a life full of someone.

I hope that’s not too much to ask.

Patience is a virtue

I probably didn't know what I was asking the cosmic universe to grant me. One night, when I was trying (or pretending?) to be virtuous, so I wished for something .

What was I thinking when I asked God to give me patience?

Now - it seems like everything is about testing me and how far I will go to get what I want, to be who I want to be.

And to You ---

Yes, you are part of all this.

I know you have been stressing over how far I will go, given our circumstance.

I rarely tell you that I will stay beyond the time we agreed on, bordering on threatening that I will leave.

It's self-preservation, perhaps. Because I would like you to exceed yourself and build your character.

The first and the last time I will tell you: I'm sticking to my guns. With you.

If that's what you need me to do - be there. And fight with you.

Why?

At the back of my head, a little voice is telling me you may just be all worth it.

Like what we both say most of the time:

We'll see.

It's Just a Fantasy

So you think I'm just a fantasy?

Think again.

If I am one, then I will make all his come true.

I'm here to stay.

For real.

An Honest Sunday Morning

This is what I love about Sunday mornings - I don't feel lazy getting up because I know that I don't have to go to work.

And that... gives me ample time to write about my thoughts, without the intrusion of projects or phone calls from friends asking me what my plans are on Saturday evening.

Best of all, everyone is either so drunk or too blood-shut puyat to wake up early. No one dares to bother me.

This gives me time to be bare-naked about a lot of things about myself:

1. Moments alone. I find myself wanting to be just by myself these past few days. I just need some time to clear my head and think without the distractions of everyday life. Without other people telling me what to do or how to feel.

2. Shutting down. No mobile phones, no emails, no Friendster, no Yahoo Messenger. No blogger. No nothing. For a few days, I just want to be left alone without talking to anybody. And I mean ANYBODY. I want to shut down for a while. Quite paradoxical for someone like me who's always surrounded by friends.

3. The simple life. I realized, things were a lot simpler back then. I had more honest mornings. I had less money. But I was also more contented. I had fewer friends, but I knew who were loyal to me. I was in a secure relationship. It's not a perfect one, but it was comforting. I smiled more. I cried less. My partner can be crazy, but I also knew I was THE only one. No ifs, no buts. It's just me.

4. My own moral yardstick. There are some things that do not sit well with me. There are situations and circumstances that I don't feel comfortable with. No matter how much I deny this to myself, no matter how much I try to conceal my stand on this, in one way or another, my real perspective shows. Subconsciously. Whether I like it or not.

5. Meant for greater things. Have you ever felt this way? That you were meant for things larger than life? Have you ever thought that what you do now, what you are now --- you are meant to do more, be more? I do. I always feel that someday, I'm meant to be somewhere else. Doing something else. Something greater.

6. Stuck with indecisions and cowardice. Whatever I want to do, whatever I need to do, I am hampered by my own indecisiveness. I am one of the bravest, yet right now I am also the weakest and most frightened to do certain things - to put my foot down - to get what I want or to not get it for now.

7. Fridays and weekends. I used to look forward to them. But now, I dread the weekend. Because my past weekends were miserable. Now I intend to do something about that.

8. What you thought you wanted may not be what you want at all. I've always wanted to work and stay there. This year, I even intended to learn the language. But when I was in Central, I looked at all the people passing by, the hustle and bustle of the crowd. And then I asked myself: Is this what I really want? Is this really what will make me happy? Will I really trade Manila over this? Truthfully, I dont have the answer yet. I just found myself liking the place too much that I might have overrated things and overlooked important factors that should be my compelling reasons for relocating.

9. Greater stake requires courage. If you want to stake your claim on me, make sure that you placed all your bet. Like I did. Don't lay your claim when you have not risked for me.

10. True love, above all. Things can be quite simple, really. Sometimes, we are so caught up in the web of our own complications, we think that things are too complicated than they really are. Let me break down the equation for you: if you really love me, if you are truly in love with me, then you fight for me. Not tomorrow. Not next month. Do it, right here. Right now. As they say, if it's true love, you do anything to fight for it, to have it, and to keep it.

Just my 10 cents worth.

I'm glad to have had this chance to be honest to myself.

And here's to more honest, peaceful Sundays.

Hong Kong Touchdown

Finally.

It's nice to be here again.

Welcome back to my future second home.

Rave #1: An Unexpected Expression

He's not an "I love you" person. He only got the "I love you" bug from me.

He rarely expresses how much he feels through words. He'd rather do it through his actions.

But lately...

My guy's getting all sentimental and mushy.

He was in Sentosa and we were in the middle of a "hi-hello-how-are-you-i'm-checking-on-you" phone call.

We were about to hang up when he said the 3 magic words.

Sweet.

You can tell that I'm grinning from ear to ear while writing this.

Getting on my Wrong Side

Second bitching of the year… and once again, on a Monday!

Hmmm… do I see a pattern here?

Bitching #1 of the week : Don’t pressure me into giving!

I think I’m a generous friend. No, let me rephrase that: I know I’m a generous friend. Thus, my arsenal of ‘hoes and bros.

I go out of my way to rescue friends, even in the wee hours of the morning, come rain or shine. My old apartment became a halfway house to pals who didn’t want to go home to parents or for simple reasons like Manila’s flooded, friend’s driving a Beetle and he’s living in Malabon.

I don’t mind sharing my good luck and my stuff. I’m the official source of clutch bags (all kinds, all shapes, all colors) and accessories to my girlfriends. I don’t mind lending them my party tops, mini skirts and hell – even doing their make-up.

But sometimes, some friends don’t know where to draw the line. Yes, they can borrow my things, but there are instances when it becomes my obligation to lend them.

Some don’t even say please anymore. They ask as if they own the things that they’re actually borrowing from me!

So girlfriends, I’m still your generous and loving hoe. I would love to continue doing your make-overs, lending you my bags, even my stilettos, jewelries, accessories, what-have-yous.

But please, know how to ask properly. Don’t pressure me into lending you my stuff. In case you’ve forgotten, THEY’RE MINE. If and when you need them for parties, ask in advance. Don’t make me scour for my jewelries or a scarf when you know I’m running 5 minutes late going to the office and demand that I find them for you so you can use them.

First bitching of the year – when I can’t help it

He has good intentions.

He is earnest.

He is sincere.

And I am in love with him.

Yet when I come to terms with reality, sometimes I can’t help it.

I can’t help but resent our circumstance.

To the point of resenting him.

It saddens me.

It angers me.

Yet everyday, I decide that he’s worth it.

Looking Back

“The unexamined life is not worth living.”

- Socrates

Year 2 that I will be answering these questions, as a semi-reflection of the year that passed.

1. What did you do in 2006 that you’ve never done before?

Take a very big risk to be with someone I love. Change paradigms and just make the jump, despite all the uncertainties that I’m currently facing.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I had no resolutions – just big plans, which for the most part, were realized.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Hmmm… parang wala. Chegay, you didn’t give birth again, did you? Haha.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No. Thank God, no.

5. What countries did you visit?

Macau, Hong Kong and Thailand.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?

Same thing I wrote last year: Spiritual growth. A princess-cut diamond ring set in a white gold band. Assurance and security within my relationship. Him for myself with a lot of time together.

7. What date(s) from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

April 27 – my career and my personal direction changed (I cannot write here why exactly), but some who might read this will just know so

June 15 – when Nanay suffered a stroke

July 31 – when I finally got my certification

October 17 – my first birthday party for a long time

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

My usability certification.

Being good friends again with Ariel (which was what I wrote was my biggest failure last year).

Being able to provide for my family.

Finding love.

Writing beautiful poetry.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Losing love.

Not being able to keep my relationship with B.

Not being able to spend more time with some friends.

Not writing more.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yes. I was sick most of the time. All kinds that I never even had before!

11. What was the best thing you bought?

For myself, none. Most of the extra cash were used to spend for Nanay. I still did a lot of clothes and shoes-shopping, though.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

His – for his life-altering changes, for falling in love with me and for thinking and considering my feelings and my needs

Hers – for loving me unconditionally, for trying to do everything for my welfare, for trying to make things work

Nanay – for being brave; for loving me all my life

Mine – for weathering the toughest of times and for all the heartaches I experienced

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Mine – for not being able to let her go in the right time; for being selfish

Hers – for hurting me; for all the cruel words said

His – for not knowing what to do first; for not being able to deal with the past in the way that it should be dealt with

14. Where did most of your money go?

Nanay. Clothes. Shoes. Bags. More clothes. Shoes. Bags.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Travel. My job. Love. Life in general.

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?

Frightened by Toby Lightman.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder?

Happier

thinner or fatter?
Thinner. Which is good.

richer or poorer?
Richer. Which is better.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Spent time with my Nanay (Grandma). More time writing.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Crying.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

Spent Christmas the traditional way – Christmas Eve with family. Christmas evening with high school friends.

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?

Yes.

22. How many one-night stands?

None. I don’t do that stuff.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

A lot – One Tree Hill, The OC, Will and Grace.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Yep. I’m no saint.

25. What was the best book you read?

Still The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Toby Lightman

27. What did you want and get?

A lot of things.

Someone.

Love.

Travel.

A lot of signature bags.

My certification.

28. What did you want and not get?

The whole of him.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

Hmmm… no movie in particular.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

29. Had a birthday party at The Bedroom Bar, Eastwood with good friends and loved ones. Received a surprise visit and gift.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

The year has been good. I still want to have and achieve a lot of things but I can not ask for anything more. To God, I’m just grateful.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?

Unique. Outrageous. Anything that contributes to self-reinvention.

As what Jay said, “one woman, one hundred looks.”

33. What kept you sane?

The same people who drove me nuts the whole year round: Him. My Mom. My Bestfriends.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Angeline Jolie.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

Saddam.

36. Who did you miss?

Old friends. My sister.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

RC.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.

Life is not the amount of breaths you take. It’s the moments that take your breath away.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I still can’t!

Life is fab!

Of Flashbacks and Updates

More than 2 months of hiatus – this is by far the longest time that I have not blogged about anything.

For the strangest of reasons, I just can’t get myself to write. There were so many things happening all at the same time. So many things to say yet I couldn’t get myself to.

It was writing limbo for me. I was literally stuck in a writing rut. So here I am, trying to get my groove back by giving updates of what transpired and did not transpire over the past 2 months:

1. Losing a Love. Yes, it’s true. She and I headed to splitsville. We tried to part ways amicably, but just recently had a huge fight that finally spelled out how the way things should end. For now. I loved her – truly, deeply – despite her misconceptions. As she will always be someone that I will love and care for. I will miss our good times together. Truth be told, I love doing things with her – something that held me back for a long time.

2. Finding a New Love. It may seem to be too fast, too soon, but this has been in gestation for a while. We met in the most unexpected time and place, and this is the most complicated situation that I ever got myself into. If I’m headed for another heartbreak --- that is the quintessential question for now. Screw it. I already made up my mind. You know who you are. Don’t go breaking my heart.

3. Moving out, moving in. I finally did it. I moved to a new, cozier and better apartment. I now have my own parking slot and more space for new clothes, new shoes and new cabinets. And I’m 15 minutes away from the office, too!

4. THE “Surprise” Birthday party. RC surprised me by going to Manila for my birthday and throwing me a birthday bash with my closest of friends and officemates at The Bedroom Bar, Eastwood. I know he doesn’t know 85% of my posse’ that time, so it was a huge effort. Thank you.

5. Travel. My most favorite thing ever. ‘Been to the “in” resort of the moment - Antulang Resort in Dumaguete for a beach weekend and to Bangkok, Thailand for a quick shopping and museum trip.

6. Family Christmas. Last year, I decided to spend Christmas evening by myself – having wine and cheese while opening my Christmas presents. Christmas 2006 was spent with family. I’m so glad I did.

7. New Year parteeeeeyh. We created a new family tradition of checking in a hotel on New Year’s Eve. We started this last year, to avoid the smog of the fireworks. This year, we did the same thing, but for the first time in my life, I partied after New Year’s Eve. I headed to Mezze’ Greenbelt with Celia at 2:30am to party the morning away. Barely 5 minutes inside the club and the guys were already picking us up or trying to buy us drinks. 5 sets of guys in one night --- we were barely left to ourselves when all we really wanted to do was dance and drink with just the 2 of us! We were actually shocked by the propositions – ganito na ba ang dating scene ngayon?

So, nothing really new. Life for me is still an amalgam of highs and lows. Just exactly how life should be lived.

Happy New Year, everyone! Cheers to happier, better, healthier, wealthier and lovelier lives!

29

The last twenty-something for me.

29. It's a good age, so they say.

Let's see how things go.

Grateful to God for all the blessings.

Unexpected closure and reckoning

I have never obliterated anybody in my life – no matter how much pain they have inflicted on me – except for one person:

The Buddy.

The Buddy made his way through several entries in this blog last year.

All of a sudden, the pining, the whining, the longing (mine, for that matter) for him all stopped.

He hurt me. Badly.

There was no excuse for what he did.

He took advantage of my feelings, my sincerity, my loyalty, my vulnerability.

Worst, he took advantage of our friendship.

Ever since Doji’s party last year, I literally erased him in my life.

Phone numbers – both in the States and here in Manila, addresses in LA and in Ayala Alabang, all instant messengers, all email addresses.

I just didn’t want to have ANYTHING to do with him.

Then mid-Sunday afternoon, out of nowhere, there he was.

Asking for forgiveness.

Admitting how much of a jerk and a dumb-ass (his words, not mine) he was.

How much sorry he feels, how he never meant to hurt me, and how sincerely he felt for the two of us.

But he just couldn’t do anything about his situation.

That’s why he opted to just walk away.

From us.

For several years, I ached for him.

I moved heaven and earth for him.


When he walked out on us, I was crushed. I was broken.

I was angry. Utterly disappointed.

But I couldn’t stay angry at a person for a long time.

I have long forgiven The Buddy.

Both he and I had our own reasons why we both risked, why things didn’t work out.

He had his reasons why he decided to let go.

But after the apology, after hearing how much he really cared for me, how much torment he felt after I decided to eradicate him from my life…

I didn’t feel like gloating. I didn’t feel happy, or proud.

That he is down on his knees, haunted by the wrong he did.

I only care for and fall in love with someone once in this lifetime.

And frankly, at this point, when it comes to The Buddy…

I just don’t give a damn.

TGIF – in its truest sense

Friday – my most favorite day ever, as it signals the beginning of the weekend. When all work comes to a halt (unless the boss says otherwise, darn it!) and the fun begins.

For the first time in a very long time, I meant it.


Thank, God it’s Friday.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

This week has been rough to me, I just wanted it to end.

Monday didn’t start out too well – what with a missing IP address that paralyzed almost my entire day at work since I didn’t have Internet connection. From there, the next days felt difficult. It seemed like I had to exert a lot of effort just to do things right and make things right.

I’m a firm believer in starting the week right. Mondays should always be good – so that the rest of the days will be better. Screw up Monday, your whole week is screwed up entirely.

I know, I know. Self-fulfilling prophecy.

But this week: hanging laptop + conflicting connections of my email and YM (thus, I cannot do both simultaneously) + flooded streets + flooded parking + gloomy weather = blah mood.

My car – Zara – is coding every Friday so I have to wake up really early to go to work.
I’m sleepy until now – but I feel the greatest relief just knowing that it’s Friday.

And tonight, I will be clinking margarita and wine glasses with friends.

Cheers!