Feelings 101

Disappointed. Ridiculed. Angry. Enraged. Frightened.
Embarrassed. Harmed. Damaged. Wounded.
Impaired. Offended. Distressed. Disenfranchised.
Deprived. Appalled. Annoyed. Powerless.
Disenchanted. Saddened. Distanced. Cold.
Disillusioned. Livid. Incensed. Outraged.
Dark. Hateful. Furious. Upset.
Unhappy. Indignant. Maligned. Abused.
Battered. Scratched. Scalded. Gloomy.

I can think of more than a hundred words to describe how I'm feeling right now.

None of them is positive.

River welling

This weekend, at 2am, I burst into tears.

I sobbed for a good one hour, yet I didn't know exactly what I was lamenting about.

The death of my grandmother? Or my sticky circumstance?

Or perhaps both.

I am that confused.

Until now, that's how I feel.

Confused.

Miserable because Nanay is gone.

Angry because of my circumstance and his choice of (non)action.

I guess it's cheese, wine, DVDs and a lot of moping and crying tonight.

I probably need a very good one to let it all out.

Can people do that? Consume themselves crying -- just one night of sob fest -- and the morning after, things are fine again.

Better.

Sheesh.

Where is that security blanket just when you need it the most?

Arrogant when right and true

One of my weaknesses, admittedly, is that I can be arrogant when I know I am right about something.

I don't see myself compromising when I know I'm right.

Especially when I know I have been considerate, when I have been patient.

And when I have already extended myself far more that I know I can.

I am a very balanced person. I think carefully first, before I act. I may do things in a fit of anger, but I am normally sane and just. I am a very fair person.

So don't tell me that I'm not.

Don't tell me what to think and what not.

Yes, I am in pain because of my loss. I lost the one person that I loved the most. Who loved me the most.

But that loss also made me realize the things that I have to do in my life - people to forgive, help that I need to extend, mistakes to correct, things I need to start doing, and things I need to end.

I am not a child.

I listen to you. I respect you. I value your opinion.

But do not tell me what I should think. When.

Especially when it is about us.

And when it is about things that you haven't done. Haven't accomplished.

I may hurt about other things.

But I don't forget.

And I don't apologize when I'm right.

When I know I was the one who was hurt and offended.

And tonight, you hurt me once again.

As if all the pain in the past wasn't enough.

I will not apologize.

I am that arrogant.

Goodbye, Nanay

Last Friday, April 13, Nanay passed away in the morning.

Like what she said in my dream, she wants to go after eating, before lunch.

And so she did.

She left us after eating breakfast. She just closed her eyes like she was just going to fall asleep.

To the Universe, to God, thank you for hearing our prayers to take her with you without making her suffer.

I'm sad and broken to see her go.

She is the one who loves me the most. And she's gone now.

To Nanay, thank you for everything.

For raising me, for sharing your life with us, for making me who I am.

It's true, you know. What I said in my tribute for you is true.

80% of who I am now is because of you. My courage, my strength, my perseverance. I have them because I got them and learned them from you.

I love you, Nanay.

We will see each other soon.

When you know it’s drawing near

Before I left for Hong Kong and Macau, I still managed to go home to my parents’ house to visit Nanay.

Although I don’t get to visit every day, I make it a point to go have dinner with her and spend time with her at least twice a week.

Last night, I went home to see her again.

And she’s very different.

I know about the late-night episodes when she couldn’t breathe and she couldn’t sleep.

Her breast cancer is not painful but it’s making her lungs weak. It’s filling her lungs up with water that she has this wheezing sound whenever she breathes. Her stroke last year also hampers her motor skills.

Knowing about it is very different from actually seeing it.

When I saw her, she was pale. She still held my hand, but her grip is weaker. Her eyes are sad. And she looks very tired.

I don’t want to see her suffer. I don’t want her to feel any pain.

Over the weekend, I prayed that if the Universe is taking her away, then take her away happily and peacefully. Please don’t make her suffer.

She has served the family all her life. She doesn’t deserve it.

Nanay, I love you. You are the essence of who I am right now – my courage, my strength, my spirit. A large part of me, you made me who I am.

If you need to go, then you shouldn’t worry about us who will be left. We can manage and we will take care of the family.

But when you go, I hope you will remember.

I hope you won’t forget me.

Lost as I was

Back then, things were so much simpler.

I had fine things in life. We can travel to places whenever we see fit.

I can shop whenever I want to. I had an emotional connection with someone.

I had love.

I had sense of security.

Now, things are different.

I have finer things. I can go anywhere, shop for anything.

Not because this was the path I chose for material reasons or motivations. I had the material things even before this. I can even buy the blings myself. It’s just that more is given now. Purely incidental.

I still have love. More intense, more passionate.

But I lost my sense of security. My sense of place in the relationship. Even my sense of self.

How very ironic --- I have never felt most loved yet I have never felt this unsafe, this insecure.

If you ask me, I don’t know if I’m better off.

I’m just as lost as I was.

I am not an insecure girlfriend. Yet, he managed to make me feel the most insecure – like in a snap of a finger, I can lose him. And I can lose everything that exists between us.

It hurts too much that I can’t even say it. Friends have been asking me what’s going on --- why these writings, why this sadness. Yet I can’t find the explanation.

Perhaps when the pain is too much, words will never be enough to capture the misery of it.

And I write here because I can’t exactly tell him.

To friends who have expressed concern, to those who openly ask --- Gemma, Charo, Arlene --- thank you.

To the women out there who carry the same burden and feel the heart-wrenching pain --- we all have reasons to grieve, to secretly shed those tears at night when nobody else can see or hear. We all have different kinds of crosses to bear.

Inner peace. Unrelenting strength. Inexorable courage.

We have them in us. May we keep them --- along with our faith.

Never too sure, never too complacent

- Starworld Hotel, Macau
3:53 am, April 9, 2007

The Universe sure has a way of sending her message.

Amidst all things being seemingly grounded, she has a way of reminding me to never be too sure of anything.

I tried to appease her in the entire time that I was here.

Yet the message remains the same.

Never be quite sure of what is shown, nor what is said.

There are things hidden, words never spoken, circumstances left unexplained.

Yet they have a way of unfolding.

To get to me. To tell me something.

As I mourn, out of nowhere, the sky turned gray.

The rain fell as tears were falling.

She definitely has a way of reflecting all the emotions that have been welling inside.

But to the Universe, I can never be ungrateful.

Thank you for the signs.

And thank you for teaching me what I should learn.

How I should deal.

Let all of her continue to conspire in my favor to see this one through.

Pre-Hong Kong Notes

Only the first week of April, but it’s already my third time to go to Hong Kong.

Three times in a matter of four months.

Not bad at all.

Again, it’s not a secret. I LOVE Hong Kong.

I adore the place for its fashion sense, for the amalgam of people, for the weather.

For almost everything.

Hong Kong used to be my refuge – my escape town – when everything else is so stressful in Manila.

Hong Kong used to be my cradle of comfort when I need to have a quick getaway.

When I would go there, I would always say, “I’m coming home.”

But now, it doesn’t feel that way anymore.

My friends in Tung Chung are gone.

B. moved to Tin Shui Wai. Zoe has her own separate apartment now.

I, on the other hand, will live in a strange, unfamiliar place in Tsim Sha Tsui.

I will walk the streets of Granville Road by myself.

All of a sudden, I feel so estranged from the place that I used to call my second home.

I miss the disarray of the 2-bedroom flat in Tung Chung. The towering shoe boxes, the luggages of different sizes. I miss my couch potato moments when I flew to Hong Kong not to go around and shop, but to just be in front of the TV for the entire day.

I miss the times when B., Zoe and I were all in our pajamas the entire day --- taking turns hogging the couch, watching videos and surfing the Internet.

I miss smoking in the kitchen and staring at the Stitch magnetic stuffed toy stuck in the refrigerator with the rest of the ref magnets that B. and Zoe collected as they traveled across the globe.

Now, I don’t have a home to go back to.

I am by myself.

And instead of coming home, it feels like I am going inside the lion’s den.

I am a lamb that will be fed to the lions.

And nobody else is there for me.

I guess, that's what I am now.


Homeless in Hong Kong.


What did Angelina Jolie say?


"I stand by the choices I made."


No matter the consequences.

Friday Pick-Me-Up: Red Bags

Not a surprise to close friends - I'm a shopaholic.

Especially with bags.

If I need to get into rehab for something, it will be my addiction to bags. Branded or not - it doesn't matter to me. For as long as it's a current eye candy, then I want to have it!

For 3 days now, I have been obsessing with red bags.

Yes, it is my current must-have. I was actually looking for a nice red Gucci bag (to add to my Gucci bag collection) but I can't seem to find anything interesting in their Spring-Summer and Cruise collections.

I actually found a nice, shiny, red faux croc from Carlainity (P750 for 1 bag - what-a-steal!) but when I texted the owner, she just ran out of stock. Waaah.

So girlfriends, if you happen to see a really good one (and hopefully reasonably-priced), buzz me!

Charade

When are you going to stop playing it?

When will you ever stop living another life just to please others?

When are you going to stop feeling guilty about another's misery?

When will you stop sacrificing your happiness and your possible future for their sake?

When will you consider yours?

When will you make the stand?

When hope is lost

“The Warrior of the Light does not always have faith.

There are moments when he believes in absolutely nothing. And he asks his heart: “Is all this effort really worth it?”

But his heart remains silent. And the Warrior has to decide for himself.

He looks for an example and remembers that Jesus went through something similar in order to inhabit fully the human condition.

“Take away this cup from me,” said Jesus. He too lost his heart and courage, but he did not stop.

The Warrior of the Light continues despite his lack of faith. He goes forward and, in the end, faith returns.”

The past several days were torment.

I was extricated from my paradise, thrown into a bottomless abyss with nothing but darkness.

From the top, I saw the glimmer of light fading away from me. It is vanishing, vanishing, as total obscurity enveloped my entire being.

And nobody was there to rescue me.

I fell.

And I’m still falling.

I am falling into a bottomless pit, into an unknown eternity.

And the light is slowly dying.

Hope is lost with no promise of glory.

All that is left inside me is nothing but despair.

Hopelessness.

Despondency.

Neglect.

Failure.

As I fall, I feel the wind beneath me.

Nothing but the coldness of failure.

The pain of a broken heart and a broken spirit.

A lost soul with no hope, with no sense of being.

All direction is gone.

No horizon to see beyond the distance.

The light, slowly fades above me.

And the evil, bottomless pit continues to engulf me.

It feeds my despair, my loneliness, my emptiness.

As to when it will all end, if there is a ground that will crush me,

If there are demons rejoicing my dejection and my faded glory,

If there are vermins and vultures waiting to feed upon my dead body,

I will never know and I will never see…

If I don’t see it until the very end.

Indeed, the Warrior of the Light loses faith.

I feel the pain of a bleeding heart, of a beleaguered soul that lost its path.

Was I misguided?

Was I mislead to tread a path that is not really mine?

Was I deceived to fight for the truth, for justice that in the end is only a dreadful, evil lie?

Like a true Warrior, I lost my heart and my courage.

But in the end, I will never lose my sense of self, my spirit, my soul.

Despite the silence, the fear of the abyss and the dread of the fall,

A true Warrior sees things until the very end.

I will not hide, I will not close my eyes.

I will wield my sword and take on the battle again.

The Warrior never loses sight of the true path.

For the only obligation of a true Warrior in this lifetime…

Is to walk the true path and find her true Personal Legend.

The vermins and the vulture will have to wait.

Because for now, I am not yet dead.

Not even dying.

The spirit, the soul, will live for eternity.

- 18 March 2007
the sands of White Rock, Subic

Milestones in my life

Let's put aside my (semi) break-up blues for a while and celebrate some major milestones.

• Usability Week 2007 Conference in Hong Kong - Finally. After 5 years of waiting, I was able to attend Nielsen Norman Group's Usability Conference. What's more, it was held in Hong Kong. Free trip to my second home!
  

• Jakob Nielsen in the flesh - I know, I know. I'm such a major geek. I finally met Jakob Nielsen - the Father of Usability - in person! I have all his major books and in the conference after his workshop, I ran to the podium where he stood, introduced myself, shook his hand and asked him to sign my Usability Engineering book. I had to bite my lip to stop myself from screaming, "I'm such a huge fan!" Geek.
  

This really matters to me. I'm one of the very few professionals in my field in Asia Pacific. This is something worth toasting to.

Happy. :-)

Chronicles of the (semi) breaking up process

Day 1:

Current state

• Couldn't get up in the morning because phone call with him ended at almost 5am.
• I am Garfield-personified. Puffy eyelids and huge eyebags. Ugh. People in the office can't see me like this. Totally ugh.
• Decided to take half a day off.
  
• Migraine girl.
  
• Hung over from the 1 1/2 bottle of red wine I downed last night. Yes, by myself.
  
• The sun. It's hurting my eyes!
• Solitude. I'm on alone-mode right now. To process things on my own. Thanks, Gemma and Celia for offering to be there.
  

Coping mechanism

• Dressed up going to the office. Scoured through my cabinet for my cutest, nicest black and white Zara top, thick black belt, the highest silver sandals I can ever find on my shoe rack.
• Make up, make up, make up.
• Fab hair. Blow dry. Curl. Blow dry.
  
• Last smile in front of the mirror. You go girl! It's just another day.
• For someone who's just broken up, I don't look so bad!
  

Questions in my mind

• Why are we failing?
• What are we not doing right?

Emotional check

• I miss the guy. Sigh.

Foreboding

Not even the end of the month…

…and I already caught a clear glimpse of what’s to come.

At the back of my head, I knew it was a long shot. I was going up against a wall --- no --- a façade as huge as the IFC Tower.

Yet you assured me that we can make it through. Just hang in there. We can make it through.

I knew it was going to be difficult, if not nearly impossible.

But I was hoping against hope that you will surprise me.

I was hoping that you will pull through.

To conquer everything for what we believed is true love.

To reclaim true happiness, eternal glory.

To be resolved to stand up against everyone.

To fight for me.

Yet again, I was disappointed.

I was naïve. Or at least I tried to be.

To give you a chance to prove that we can make it.

I fought for you.

For all it’s worth, I did.

Now I’m just too exhausted to fight back.

What I was fighting for…

…is a lost cause.

All the world's roads lead to the heart of the Warrior; he plunges unhesitatingly into the river of passions always flowing through his life.

The warrior knows that he is free to choose his desires, and he makes these decisions with courage, detachment and - sometimes - with just a touch of madness.

- Warrior of the Light
Paulo Coelho

Antsy Pantsy

7 days from March.

I don’t know if I will look forward to it like receiving the best gift ever or dread it like the coming of a plague.

All I want is to have a normal yet happy life.

Sans the Gucci bags and the Louis Vuittons.

Yet a life full of someone.

I hope that’s not too much to ask.

Patience is a virtue

I probably didn't know what I was asking the cosmic universe to grant me. One night, when I was trying (or pretending?) to be virtuous, so I wished for something .

What was I thinking when I asked God to give me patience?

Now - it seems like everything is about testing me and how far I will go to get what I want, to be who I want to be.

And to You ---

Yes, you are part of all this.

I know you have been stressing over how far I will go, given our circumstance.

I rarely tell you that I will stay beyond the time we agreed on, bordering on threatening that I will leave.

It's self-preservation, perhaps. Because I would like you to exceed yourself and build your character.

The first and the last time I will tell you: I'm sticking to my guns. With you.

If that's what you need me to do - be there. And fight with you.

Why?

At the back of my head, a little voice is telling me you may just be all worth it.

Like what we both say most of the time:

We'll see.

It's Just a Fantasy

So you think I'm just a fantasy?

Think again.

If I am one, then I will make all his come true.

I'm here to stay.

For real.

An Honest Sunday Morning

This is what I love about Sunday mornings - I don't feel lazy getting up because I know that I don't have to go to work.

And that... gives me ample time to write about my thoughts, without the intrusion of projects or phone calls from friends asking me what my plans are on Saturday evening.

Best of all, everyone is either so drunk or too blood-shut puyat to wake up early. No one dares to bother me.

This gives me time to be bare-naked about a lot of things about myself:

1. Moments alone. I find myself wanting to be just by myself these past few days. I just need some time to clear my head and think without the distractions of everyday life. Without other people telling me what to do or how to feel.

2. Shutting down. No mobile phones, no emails, no Friendster, no Yahoo Messenger. No blogger. No nothing. For a few days, I just want to be left alone without talking to anybody. And I mean ANYBODY. I want to shut down for a while. Quite paradoxical for someone like me who's always surrounded by friends.

3. The simple life. I realized, things were a lot simpler back then. I had more honest mornings. I had less money. But I was also more contented. I had fewer friends, but I knew who were loyal to me. I was in a secure relationship. It's not a perfect one, but it was comforting. I smiled more. I cried less. My partner can be crazy, but I also knew I was THE only one. No ifs, no buts. It's just me.

4. My own moral yardstick. There are some things that do not sit well with me. There are situations and circumstances that I don't feel comfortable with. No matter how much I deny this to myself, no matter how much I try to conceal my stand on this, in one way or another, my real perspective shows. Subconsciously. Whether I like it or not.

5. Meant for greater things. Have you ever felt this way? That you were meant for things larger than life? Have you ever thought that what you do now, what you are now --- you are meant to do more, be more? I do. I always feel that someday, I'm meant to be somewhere else. Doing something else. Something greater.

6. Stuck with indecisions and cowardice. Whatever I want to do, whatever I need to do, I am hampered by my own indecisiveness. I am one of the bravest, yet right now I am also the weakest and most frightened to do certain things - to put my foot down - to get what I want or to not get it for now.

7. Fridays and weekends. I used to look forward to them. But now, I dread the weekend. Because my past weekends were miserable. Now I intend to do something about that.

8. What you thought you wanted may not be what you want at all. I've always wanted to work and stay there. This year, I even intended to learn the language. But when I was in Central, I looked at all the people passing by, the hustle and bustle of the crowd. And then I asked myself: Is this what I really want? Is this really what will make me happy? Will I really trade Manila over this? Truthfully, I dont have the answer yet. I just found myself liking the place too much that I might have overrated things and overlooked important factors that should be my compelling reasons for relocating.

9. Greater stake requires courage. If you want to stake your claim on me, make sure that you placed all your bet. Like I did. Don't lay your claim when you have not risked for me.

10. True love, above all. Things can be quite simple, really. Sometimes, we are so caught up in the web of our own complications, we think that things are too complicated than they really are. Let me break down the equation for you: if you really love me, if you are truly in love with me, then you fight for me. Not tomorrow. Not next month. Do it, right here. Right now. As they say, if it's true love, you do anything to fight for it, to have it, and to keep it.

Just my 10 cents worth.

I'm glad to have had this chance to be honest to myself.

And here's to more honest, peaceful Sundays.

Hong Kong Touchdown

Finally.

It's nice to be here again.

Welcome back to my future second home.