In her memory

I dreamt of her for two consecutive nights. A pang of guilt hit me since I wasn’t able to visit her last Saturday, as the family promised to visit her every month.

A lot of people say that I took after Nanay. Her strength, her independence, her character.

I’m inclined to agree. Even at a young age, I can relate to her more than I did with my mother.

According to Chinese beliefs, when a grandparent or parent passes away, the first born child or the favorite one is showered with a lot of blessings in the next coming years.

I’m not really sure if I believe in that, but it certainly is happening to me. And not even a year has gone by.

Four months after Nanay passed away, my life and my personal perspective turned 180 degrees.

I’m doing fabulously well at work. My boss-friend is pleased with my performance. On top of that, I got an unexpected salary increase that I could only get after 2 or 3 years if we follow the company’s yearly percentage increment.

My projects are all launching on time – as I was blessed with marvelously efficient teammates – thank you, Me-Ann and Charo!

My friends/teammates in the office got promoted and I’m genuinely happy for them. They both deserve it. More importantly, I’m proud to have a hand in one of the promotions since I initiated it and helped push for it. Although she is under me for barely 4 months, she should have been promoted a long time ago, with her contributions and relentless efforts.

Personal sphere is soaring even higher.

I am reunited with my Dad. And he is into clean living now. Although I have always been Grandma’s girl (and despite his shortcomings to the family), I have always had a soft spot for him. He is my Dad, after all. We text more and talk more now.

My relationship with Rico is getting better and stronger. I was actually surprised with the way he thinks and plans about us (of which I cannot yet disclose). We have had tough times – some of which I cannot even imagine. But his love for me has always been consistent.

I could go on and on.

Things are looking up, to say the least.

Although it’s inevitable to have some bumps and cinches here and there, the bigger picture looks so much better.

To my Grandmother, thank you for looking after me. Thank you for making the Higher Powers listen.

I still think of you --- all the time.

And to the Universe, thank you for listening to my prayers.

I promise to share what I have. And pay it forward.

“The thankful heart is always close to the creative forces of the universe, causing countless blessings to flow toward it by the law of reciprocal relationship, based on a cosmic law of action and reaction.”

-Joseph Murphy, The Power of your Subconscious Mind

Moments of stillness and silence

I’ve observed something both peculiar and familiar about me lately.

Peculiar, in the sense that this is not part of my ritual when I go home to my apartment after work.

Familiar, because it used to be what I liked doing.

I started reading again.

Intently at that.

I used to love the smell of books and libraries. Powerbooks in Greenbelt is Nirvana for me.

In fact, I buy books even when I don’t have the time to read them yet. I just like collecting them – knowing that when I need a dose of Candace Bushnell (of Sex and the City) or Paulo Coelho (of The Alchemist) or even the sometimes morbid and bizarre Gabriel Garcia Marquez (of 100 Years of Solitude), I have a stash in my library that I can just grab.

What’s notable here is not the resurrection of my prolific habit – but the deeper implications of my propensity to read.

I equate reading as a silent moment for me.

And I can only have silent moments when I am at peace with myself.

When I’m restless, I can’t focus on what I’m reading. Hell, I can’t even get myself to finish a chapter.

And restless I have been – for 2 years.

That’s why I can’t get myself to pick up any of my books.

That’s also the reason why up until now, I’m only into Harry Potter book 5.

For 2 years, I stayed in the thoughtless zone of surfing cable channels and watching movies and TV series on DVD.

I zoned out by flipping through the remote control. There was just too much noise inside my head and I tried to drown them out by the noise in the boob tube.

I don’t know how I managed to come in full circle… but a month or so ago, there I was --- reaching for Paulo Coelho’s The Devil and Miss Prym.

I even bought myself a new reading lamp.

From then, when I go home, I would go to my room, turn the air conditioner and my lamp on, read and enjoy a warm cup of hot chocolate or skimmed milk.

What convinced me that I finally regained the peace of mind I have been yearning for a long time:

- Even if I drink too much coffee, I can still sleep soundly at night. With the lights off.

- I used to need to down a couple of glasses of Pinot Noir before I feel sleepy. Now I don’t. I’m actually feeling saturated from red wine right now that I’m shifting to cocktails.

Sleep.

The unmistakable sign of peace and stillness.

And I have God and the Universe to thank for it.

6 Weird Things About Me

What a nice way to end the week – blog!

I haven’t had the time to read friends’ blogs until last night and I found that Chars tagged me, so I’m posting 6 weird things about me (I would actually like to consider them “quirks and eccentricities.” Hahaha):

1. I have a collection of notebooks and journals – from the cheapos to the really expensive ones. Jordi Labandas, Chinese-inspired notebooks, leather-bound ones, Shanghai Tang, Mead. The weird part about it is that I don’t write on them. I just like looking at them and I rejoice in the fact that I have a collection of beautiful notebooks.

2. Whenever I get stressed out at work, I pull out the vanity kit from my bag and retouch my make-up. Cathy B. noticed me doing this.

3. I read a fashion magazine, literally – from cover to cover. I have to sit down and concentrate when reading a fashion mag the way you would a book. I read the table of contents and even the store listing at the back.

4. I am left-handed so I do everything on the left. I need to sleep on the left side of the bed, I need to walk on the left when side by side with someone. Otherwise, I would get disoriented.

5. You would know that I’m talking to a family member when I end my phone conversation with God bless and I love you.

6. When I animatedly tell stories to friends, I have a nasty habit of rolling my eyes and looking like I’m actually angry or bitching about something when I’m actually happy.

I’m tagging the following friends to do this:

- Me-Ann

- Gemma

- Mica

- Ate Mirs

- Colette

- Carmela (if you’re still alive, blog-wise)

Boyfriend 101

For normal couples, this all-familiar story may seem to be a very shallow thing. But for me who sees Boyfriend every 2-3 weeks, it’s a huge deal.

We’re not in that domesticated mode yet, and in a way I’m relieved that we’re not. I want to revel in the nights when I’d run rushing to the door to hug and kiss him to welcome him home (and in this case, home for us is Mandarin Oriental’s Club Floor).

I know that when couples settle in a more familiar mode, nobody goes running to welcome the boyfriend or girlfriend with that giddy face, tight embrace and long lingering kiss anymore. I still want to hold on to moments like this.

And I still want to remember his face light up the moment he sees me again, how he looks at me like I’m the most beautiful, most adorable woman on the face of the earth when he kneels on the side of my bed and brushes the hair off my face. I still want to see those loving eyes look at me as he pulls the blanket over me and kisses me goodnight when I fall asleep watching TV.

Last week, as we spent the weekend in my apartment, he noticed that water in my shower is still running low. He’s been nagging me about it for a couple of weeks now – even on the phone when he remembers it despite his busy sched.

He still has to come to terms with the fact that unless it will flood the entire apartment, girls don’t normally bother - or would even want to make a huge deal – about leaking pipes, faulty shower heads and faucets.

I guess he couldn’t stand it anymore, so on a Sunday morning, while I was preparing our freshly-delivered tapa and tocino brunch, he went to the shower, removed the shower head, cleaned it up and fixed the mangled rubber inside it.

So there we were, on a normal Sunday – sharing a brunch in my apartment, with him successfully fixing my shower.

He fixed my shower.

Of all the things he did for me last week – as he rescued me from old credit card debts, gifted me with a new Christian Dior party bag and bought everyone cocktail drinks during my best friend’s dinner party, this really touched me the most.

It’s a very simple, mundane gesture.

He fixed my shower.

But it made me feel glad and comforted that he’s around.

Mushy.

But this is one of those times I like mush in my life.

Off-balance

Friday. And I so welcome the weekend.

I feel so tired and it's my turn to be a bit under the weather.

Much as I want to dilly-dally, I still have a conference call from 6:00-7:30pm. On a Friday. When everyone else is preparing to go home, attend dinner or cocktail parties, here I am, waiting for the clock to strike 6 and start the con call where my entire team needs to do some mental gymnastics to understand new designs.

I am so not in my element.

For one, hormones. Blame it on the female hormones.

Second, Boyfriend still doesn't seem to get why I take offense when we discuss working or studying abroad and that my only choice is Hong Kong.

Uhhhhh... do I still need to spell that one out?

True - I love the place, the fashion and the seasons. But why would I insist to stay in a country with citizens who dislike speaking in English to customers (who by the way are foreigners who infuse money in this shopping capital/financial district) and who'd eventually like to have a so-called 100% Chinese work force in the not so distant future (for some locally-owned companies, this has been blatantly brandished in their missions and visions)?

Singapore is a lot friendlier these days in terms of welcoming students and expats to study and work there - but I never even considered this option.

Do I even have to explain why?

Sometimes, I'm not sure if he gets it at all.

Or don't I?

I badly need cocktails tonight.

And a very good doze of Zzzzzzzzs.

Of gay men and the kitchen

Gay, gay, happy and gay

It’s no secret. I love gay men. And they love me. I’m a constant fag’s hag, so to speak – the Grace of every Will (not that I had a gay ex-boyfriend, though). And I really like being one.

I watched the Drag Ons show at the Teatrino Promenade in Greenhills. The drag queens were amazing! They’re so pretty and flawless – more so compared to us, girls! The show had great costumes and dance choreography. The intermission numbers and fillers were all ballet.

Ang gaganda talaga nila. After the show, the drag queens mingled with the audience. I had this favorite – Claudia – who was really a stunner. When she went to our table, I couldn’t help myself. I told her: “I soooooo love you!.” Hahaha. What a fan-freak.

It’s a different albeit interesting experience – watching a drag show. And this one isn’t cheap and tacky.

For fag hags like me, you can catch Drag Ons every Friday at Teatrino Promenade, Greenhills. Show starts at 9pm.

Adobo, anyone?

For 2 days now, I’ve been going to the bookstore trying to find a good, user-friendly Filipino cookbook.

And by user-friendly, I meant with visual and graphics of how the dish looks like and easy-to-follow step-by-step guide.

I’ve been obsessing about learning how to cook Filipino dishes since last summer.

Imagine the irony: I can cook chicken scallopini, beef casserole, pasta parmigiana and paella valenciana. Yet I don’t know how to cook menudo or chicken tinola.

I know! I’m a disgrace to my grandmother!

Call me conservative – traditional, even. But for me, no matter how cosmopolitan a woman is, she should at least know how to cook basic things.

Who’d want to live with someone who doesn’t even know how to fry an egg? I’d have to be honest, I still can’t do a perfect sunny side-up until now. That’s why I have to do something about it!

(While writing this part, I remember my Nanay telling me when I was younger that I only know how to boil water and cook rice, with a rice cooker at that!)

A kick-ass girl, I remember Nanay saying, has to have at least these 3 in her metaphorical kitchen:

1. a signature recipe
2. her own signature sandwich; and
3. knowledge of 1 basic dish for breakfast, lunch and dinner

For a Filipina, add to that a family recipe of adobo.

Sounds sensible.

I’m so envious of people who know how to cook Pinoy food. And do it well.

But not for long. =)

Lazy, rainy day

Wednesday. The rain never fails to make people feel lazy. Not to mention hungry. I can't remember how many ham sandwiches I made for myself today and how many chocolate truffles I ate!

Yuppies night tonight so Gemma and I are hitting Cena for cocktails after the gym. Or is it Casa Armas? Craving for Casa's croquettas and Spanish cheese.

Can't concentrate at work. I just want to space out, eat and drink!

As one of the nuninu moments today, I managed to edit my Blog profile on the right.

See. I'm really on lazy-mode. Big time.

Will get myself back on track tomorrow. Promise.

Current Top 5: What I’ve been missing

1. Hong Kong

Right smack in the middle of a hectic Monday, I suddenly missed Hong Kong. I miss landing on Chep La Kok airport, taking the airport express, walking the streets of Tsim Sha Tsui, eating at this cozy Thai restaurant in Hau Fook Street. I miss shopping, riding the MTR. I just miss being in Hong Kong.

2.Margarita nights

Wednesday used to be margarita nights with the ladies at Cena. Gemma and I have not done this for a looooooooong time. Time to revive the tradition. And it starts tomorrow night.

3. Movies

At the end of the day, I’m just way too tired to watch one. If I even dare go, I’m afraid I might just fall asleep! I hope I can watch something this weekend. Anything, actually.

4. Red wine

I have EXTREMELY mellowed down on my wine intake. This started when I seriously wanted to lose weight. I just had to do it. Cabernet. Merlot. Sigh.

5. R.

We’ve been seeing each other more frequently. But it doesn’t really change a lot of things. I still miss him. A lot. And it doesn’t really change the fact that I still want to see more of him.

Boracay bliss

The long weekend was a very well-deserved breather. Boracay was a welcomed respite, what with all the stress at work and in the personal sphere. I actually prefer Fridays Boracay over Discovery Shores. Discovery was too hotel-ish for both me and the boyfriend. We always stay in hotels anyway --- so it's nothing new. In Bora, the cozy yet "beachy" feel of Fridays is still better.

A few snapshots

Our welcome drinks

Our matrimonial "suite"

Fridays dinner that he gave up to eat tabi-tabi hotdogs!

Fridays beachfront view

View from station 1

Cocktails happy hour!

Pizzaaah!

Jonah's shakes - sorry, but I think it's overrated.

Getting my henna tats.

Our daily yummy Filipino breakfast

I'm not surprised that he wants to come back next month!

Paradise. Sigh.

Friday and long weekend

It’s been a tough 2 weeks.

Long hours at work.

Projects with sliding timelines.

A fight with Mom.

Hurt unintentionally inflicted to a friend who just really cares so much about me.

Unresolved issues with boyfriend.

Everything seems to be going wrong.

Me = not a very positive person right now.

Try as I might to lift my spirits up, I can’t help but feel sullen.

I’m just way too drained, too tired.

He’s coming home tonight.

Last night, we had a fight about our trip – which all the more dampened my already morose state of being.

I just want things to be okay.

And feel a bit better.

I just want to go home – close my eyes and wake up to a beach day tomorrow.

Oh well.

TGIF.

Ready to ramble

Alternate universe

Our division in the office is setting up a team wall. It’s a Friendster-type collage of the team’s photos, dreams, aspirations and testimonials from officemate-friends.

Since I had to send in my dreams and aspirations, it got me to think --- if there is an alternate, albeit parallel universe, what is my alter ego like? What is she doing?

Given the choice and the freedom of imagination, I’d like this doppelganger to be any of these:

- the Editor-in-Chief of Cosmopolitan or Jessica Hong Kong;

- personal shopper to the rich and famous of Hollywood;

- travel correspondent of Discovery Travel and Living;

- fashion designer for Gucci

In effect, if I’m not in the telco industry, I would have gone for any of the above.

If only writing can put food on my table (not to mention pay my rent, my car and maintain my lifestyle), then I would have pursued it a long time ago.

With greater expectations

… come either supreme fulfillment or conversely, worse disappointments.

Statement of fact: I am a busy girl.

Most recently, busy is even an understatement.

I have both work and school.

It takes a lot of effort for me to get away from work, much less try to get a 1-day break.

I took great pains and went the extra mile to finish deliverables in advance, get my boss to approve my break and maneuvered my schedule (and my team’s) in order to get a hassle-free additional day after the beach trip.

Can you blame me for feeling disappointed that despite the agreement of getting a free day to spend quality time, I get a late-in-the-evening notice that boyfriend will have to work on Tuesday morning to close a deal with a new client?

Fine, fine. It’s an important potential deal referred by a long-time client. But geez, I do have work to do, too.

It’s not like I’m a house-girlfriend with nothing to do but wait all day for the boyfriend to finish work. And it’s not like we spend time day in and day out.

What’s a few hours? And what about respecting the sacred quality time?

Gender bender

And this…

… leads me further to bitch about men’s misconception that they are the only ones who have important jobs that make them qualified to cancel out on mutually agreed on dates and appointments.

Hello?

We’re as hectic and as stressed as you are. At times, maybe even more.

Get your priorities straight and chuck those excuses out the window.

It’s a simple bottomline: if you want to re-schedule, honor a girl’s “consult right.”

You also won’t appreciate it if we do this number on you.

Extra mile

That’s the thing, though.

I am pissed off. But no matter how pissed off I am because of his complications and shortcomings, my resolve softens when he tries to compensate.

When he offers wine and chocolates for dinner.

And when he pleads to please… “let me make it up.”

I guess, that’s what his extra mile does.

Blessed to be stressed

…so I keep reminding myself.

I feel bad that I have not written any decent blog lately. The past two weeks have been hell for most of us in the office.

The usual late nights became all-nighters. Thanks to this really huge project that most of us are working on.

I can’t wait for the long weekend!

This is one of those moments when I BADLY need time to seemingly stop for me.

I need to slow down because I’m feeling that if I don’t, I will crash and burn.

Anytime now.

Blessed to be stressed. Blessed to be stressed.

Look and feel

In the past couple of days, I have been obsessing about redesigning my blog site. I’ve been spending a lot of time looking for new skins and templates for blogger.

Ever since blospot became XML-based, though, it’s been harder to look for XML-based templates.

After laboring for X number of days pursuing a template for my revamp, I finally found one that I really like. Thanks to FinalSense!

It’s so in sync with my blog’s theme.

Still fixing a lot of quirks, though.

So in case you stumble upon some bugs within the site – I’m trying to work on them.

Feelings 101

Disappointed. Ridiculed. Angry. Enraged. Frightened.
Embarrassed. Harmed. Damaged. Wounded.
Impaired. Offended. Distressed. Disenfranchised.
Deprived. Appalled. Annoyed. Powerless.
Disenchanted. Saddened. Distanced. Cold.
Disillusioned. Livid. Incensed. Outraged.
Dark. Hateful. Furious. Upset.
Unhappy. Indignant. Maligned. Abused.
Battered. Scratched. Scalded. Gloomy.

I can think of more than a hundred words to describe how I'm feeling right now.

None of them is positive.

River welling

This weekend, at 2am, I burst into tears.

I sobbed for a good one hour, yet I didn't know exactly what I was lamenting about.

The death of my grandmother? Or my sticky circumstance?

Or perhaps both.

I am that confused.

Until now, that's how I feel.

Confused.

Miserable because Nanay is gone.

Angry because of my circumstance and his choice of (non)action.

I guess it's cheese, wine, DVDs and a lot of moping and crying tonight.

I probably need a very good one to let it all out.

Can people do that? Consume themselves crying -- just one night of sob fest -- and the morning after, things are fine again.

Better.

Sheesh.

Where is that security blanket just when you need it the most?

Arrogant when right and true

One of my weaknesses, admittedly, is that I can be arrogant when I know I am right about something.

I don't see myself compromising when I know I'm right.

Especially when I know I have been considerate, when I have been patient.

And when I have already extended myself far more that I know I can.

I am a very balanced person. I think carefully first, before I act. I may do things in a fit of anger, but I am normally sane and just. I am a very fair person.

So don't tell me that I'm not.

Don't tell me what to think and what not.

Yes, I am in pain because of my loss. I lost the one person that I loved the most. Who loved me the most.

But that loss also made me realize the things that I have to do in my life - people to forgive, help that I need to extend, mistakes to correct, things I need to start doing, and things I need to end.

I am not a child.

I listen to you. I respect you. I value your opinion.

But do not tell me what I should think. When.

Especially when it is about us.

And when it is about things that you haven't done. Haven't accomplished.

I may hurt about other things.

But I don't forget.

And I don't apologize when I'm right.

When I know I was the one who was hurt and offended.

And tonight, you hurt me once again.

As if all the pain in the past wasn't enough.

I will not apologize.

I am that arrogant.

Goodbye, Nanay

Last Friday, April 13, Nanay passed away in the morning.

Like what she said in my dream, she wants to go after eating, before lunch.

And so she did.

She left us after eating breakfast. She just closed her eyes like she was just going to fall asleep.

To the Universe, to God, thank you for hearing our prayers to take her with you without making her suffer.

I'm sad and broken to see her go.

She is the one who loves me the most. And she's gone now.

To Nanay, thank you for everything.

For raising me, for sharing your life with us, for making me who I am.

It's true, you know. What I said in my tribute for you is true.

80% of who I am now is because of you. My courage, my strength, my perseverance. I have them because I got them and learned them from you.

I love you, Nanay.

We will see each other soon.

When you know it’s drawing near

Before I left for Hong Kong and Macau, I still managed to go home to my parents’ house to visit Nanay.

Although I don’t get to visit every day, I make it a point to go have dinner with her and spend time with her at least twice a week.

Last night, I went home to see her again.

And she’s very different.

I know about the late-night episodes when she couldn’t breathe and she couldn’t sleep.

Her breast cancer is not painful but it’s making her lungs weak. It’s filling her lungs up with water that she has this wheezing sound whenever she breathes. Her stroke last year also hampers her motor skills.

Knowing about it is very different from actually seeing it.

When I saw her, she was pale. She still held my hand, but her grip is weaker. Her eyes are sad. And she looks very tired.

I don’t want to see her suffer. I don’t want her to feel any pain.

Over the weekend, I prayed that if the Universe is taking her away, then take her away happily and peacefully. Please don’t make her suffer.

She has served the family all her life. She doesn’t deserve it.

Nanay, I love you. You are the essence of who I am right now – my courage, my strength, my spirit. A large part of me, you made me who I am.

If you need to go, then you shouldn’t worry about us who will be left. We can manage and we will take care of the family.

But when you go, I hope you will remember.

I hope you won’t forget me.

Lost as I was

Back then, things were so much simpler.

I had fine things in life. We can travel to places whenever we see fit.

I can shop whenever I want to. I had an emotional connection with someone.

I had love.

I had sense of security.

Now, things are different.

I have finer things. I can go anywhere, shop for anything.

Not because this was the path I chose for material reasons or motivations. I had the material things even before this. I can even buy the blings myself. It’s just that more is given now. Purely incidental.

I still have love. More intense, more passionate.

But I lost my sense of security. My sense of place in the relationship. Even my sense of self.

How very ironic --- I have never felt most loved yet I have never felt this unsafe, this insecure.

If you ask me, I don’t know if I’m better off.

I’m just as lost as I was.

I am not an insecure girlfriend. Yet, he managed to make me feel the most insecure – like in a snap of a finger, I can lose him. And I can lose everything that exists between us.

It hurts too much that I can’t even say it. Friends have been asking me what’s going on --- why these writings, why this sadness. Yet I can’t find the explanation.

Perhaps when the pain is too much, words will never be enough to capture the misery of it.

And I write here because I can’t exactly tell him.

To friends who have expressed concern, to those who openly ask --- Gemma, Charo, Arlene --- thank you.

To the women out there who carry the same burden and feel the heart-wrenching pain --- we all have reasons to grieve, to secretly shed those tears at night when nobody else can see or hear. We all have different kinds of crosses to bear.

Inner peace. Unrelenting strength. Inexorable courage.

We have them in us. May we keep them --- along with our faith.

Never too sure, never too complacent

- Starworld Hotel, Macau
3:53 am, April 9, 2007

The Universe sure has a way of sending her message.

Amidst all things being seemingly grounded, she has a way of reminding me to never be too sure of anything.

I tried to appease her in the entire time that I was here.

Yet the message remains the same.

Never be quite sure of what is shown, nor what is said.

There are things hidden, words never spoken, circumstances left unexplained.

Yet they have a way of unfolding.

To get to me. To tell me something.

As I mourn, out of nowhere, the sky turned gray.

The rain fell as tears were falling.

She definitely has a way of reflecting all the emotions that have been welling inside.

But to the Universe, I can never be ungrateful.

Thank you for the signs.

And thank you for teaching me what I should learn.

How I should deal.

Let all of her continue to conspire in my favor to see this one through.