There are days

There are days when you cannot let a tiny infraction slip. 

There are days when you hear someone say something and you just want to lash back at the person.

On most days, things are fine and dandy, but there are just days when your patience is only a thread left before it breaks. 

In moments and days like this, I try to sit in one corner and wait it out until things get better. 

Today, I'm sitting it out. 

With Godiva dark chocolates, hoping that the sugar rush will perk me back up. 

Day 2 of House Arrest: Confessions of a Workaholic

Day 2 of house arrest. I'm still alive - without the restlessness and fidgeting. 



I feel guilty when I take a break and push work stuff in a corner.

I feel bad putting off things for the next day --- even if accomplishing everything on my list will kill me. 

There. I said it. 

Skye is right. I do not know how to relax. I wish for it, I crave for it, I dream of it. 
But when I get a day or two's break, I don't know what to do. He actually said that he'd be a much better houseband and will reach that goal faster than I can be a housewife.

I get lost without the structure of a to-do list, because truth be told, there's so much to do!!! 

1. Work-wise, I have to build a major platform that needs to be up and running by next year. 

2. That is just one of the hundreds of things I need to do at work. I don't even want to go into mentally enumerating them. 

3. I've got a wedding ceremony and party to organize. Although I'm halfway there, it's no reason for me to silently panic. 

4. 2014 is just around the corner and I'm nowhere near touching my vision board. 

5. I have to account for all my mortgage payment if I want to sell one of my real estate properties. 

Had I not gone on a quick break, I would probably be suffering a panic attack right now. 

I know I'm trying to alleviate my guilt by opening my lappy, going online and trying to be productive by 9am - but it is a slow and good start for someone like me. 

I need to breathe. Yes, I keep telling myself that. 

It's okay to breathe. 

Coding day --- all over again

Azlan finally got his plates. Whilst Zara is coding on a Friday, I deliberately asked for Azlan to be coded on Mondays. 

7 years of coding on a Friday was tough --- Thursday nights are the usual spur-of-the-moment-let's-hit-the-club day. And Fridays...you don't want to be in the office still at 7pm on a Friday!  

I was absolved from coding for 5 months since I had to wait for my new car plates for that long. No waking up at 5am just to get to the office before 7. Aaah...bliss. 

Until today. 

I missed it though. Call me a sadist, but I did enjoy going to the office early. No people, no noise. It's just pure, unadulterated silence. 

On coding days, I get my silent moments in the office and I get to write sans the distraction. Very, very rare moments. 

So here I am. Back to the coding grind. It has it perks because it is God's gift of silence for me --- because I need to write. I need some space. I need my silence. Very simple guilty pleasures for me. 

Grateful. Very grateful for the gift of good mornings and introspection. 

1st of October

Sleepless and on caffeine overdrive. 

Seriously. Not even a wink for a split second. 

I'm really wondering what's in the new coffee that I bought. It kept me up all night!

So instead of tossing in turning, I decided to get up and start my day ---- at 3 friggin' am. 

All is not lost, though. I managed to find a lot of things I need for another short course that I'm considering to take this month. 

16 more days and I'm a year older. 

So much has changed in a short span of time.

October, I'm looking forward to you! :) 
 

Friday musings: Pagbabalik Manila

It's undeniable. 

I know I'm back in Manila, because: 

1. I'm in the office by 7am on a Friday because it's my coding day!!! Note to self: thou shall not get a new car with plate numbers that will code me on a Monday, Wednesday or Friday. 

2. Pinagpapawisan ako (I sweat). Indonesia is also a tropical country, but with the Philippines being nearer the equator, it is hotter and more humid here. Never did I sweat by walking in Jakarta. I only sweat when I work out in the gym. 

3. Naglalakad na ako (I walk). Armed with my ballet flats, I have to walk from my parking to my building. With the cobblestones and all, my Carrie Bradshaw shoes will not last for a month, regardless of how expensive they are. 

4. I drive. No more Pak Karman driving me around. In Jakarta, I just call and say, "Let's go, Pak" and voila, my driver will be there in 5-10 minutes. I don't mind driving. I love driving. Parking and getting the car washed and cleaned are the car duties that are not exactly my favorite. 

5. There is pork everywhere. At walang konsepto ng halal ang mga tao. Veggies with pork, munggo and lechon kawali on Fridays, chicken-pork adobo. Lahat na lang ng ulam, may pork! 

6. I can drink tap water. I got used to ordering bottled water in restaurants because in Indonesia, lest you want to be befallen of typhoid fever, you gotta order bottled water. In Manila, I can drink water without my tummy getting sick. Woohoo!

7. Spice is not a default. This, to me, is more of a disadvantage. I LOVE spicy food. 

8. Friends and family are within reach. Isang tawag lang, inuman na. Dinner with friends are not so difficult to schedule. Pati breakfast and lunch, fully booked. In fact, uso na naman ang double booking, which I don't really want to do. And I hope, I don't take this "abot-kamay lang ang people reality"  for granted.

9. Wine and alcohol are cheap. DIRT CHEAP. At nabibili sa suking tindahan o Shopwise. Claudia Vallformosa for P495 in Shopwise. Enough said. 

10.  There are sooooooooo many things to do. Sorry naman. Pero believer ako ng "It's more fun in the Philippines." 

The Philippines has a lot of quirks. Either you love it or you hate it. For someone like me who's been out and about everywhere, though, I find my heart leading me back home.

I love to travel, no doubt about it! But to me, kahit anong hirap, kahit anong calamity-stricken, there is definitely no place like home.

Happy 2012!

Simple. Happy. Steady. Quiet. 

This was how I spent my New Year with the family. 

As I downloaded the Christmas revelry's photos while my fiance' is still fast asleep --- I cannot help but smile. I am happy and content. I am filled with joy. There was no need go out, party and get wasted. I am happy being still.

And yes, I have to get used to calling him the fiance' from now on. 

It's a brand new year. 

For the first time, I am not planning solely for my career - where my next country of assignment will be, how I will advance in the corporate ladder, how I will reach my KPIs.

For the first time in my entire existence, I am actually planning my life with someone. 

It's a scary change. I've never done this before.  

But as the cliche' goes, I just need to take that leap of faith. 

2012 will be a brand new year of faith, hope and love.

Cheers to a better year ahead --- to stillness, to a steady and happy life.

Happy New Year, everyone!!! 

Spankin’ life

I’ve heard this a gazillion times already --- “to travel is better than to arrive.”

My competitiveness, passion, ambition and zest for life almost always leave me craving for so much more.  I have to constantly remind myself that there are so many reasons why I should be grateful.

Rightly or wrongly, I’m always restless, wanting to hop on to the next bus or train that will lead me to my next pitstop. I always look forward to what is beyond my current spot, forgetting that where I am now is something that I should be reveling in and celebrating.

What is so bad about how I live my life right now?   If I start counting my blessings, I would sound like a childish brat for ranting too much.

One – I am living a spoiled expat life in Jakarta, with two maids, a driver and car. I live in a 2-bedroom apartment, which for someone living alone, is more than enough.  

Two – I did get what I wanted. I declared…nay, demanded to the Universe that I wanted an expat post in another telco. Yes, I work extremely long hours, I work on Sunday mornings by default, my promotion has been delayed for several months already and I have been a casualty of X number of reorgs that actually contributed to the stifling of my career path. But I have a great team – all new and young bloods – that I truly care for, I get along with my boss and the regional opportunities for me are in full bloom. 

I just really need to suck it up --- for all the things that suck. Looking at the bigger picture, though, it is not a catastrophe. 

Three - I have a supportive, loving, caring, funny and very earnest boyfriend. It has not been all roses for us.  No, we are not a normal couple – our highs and lows – are unwillingly extreme. At the same time, we have come a long way and we have a solid history and friendship that we always fall back on during tough times. The Boss is not perfect, but he is trying. I’m not perfect, but to him, I am. 

Four – Despite my sometimes seemingly gargantuan financial responsibilities back home, I am blessed with a strong capability to earn my keep. I’ve got multiple investment funds and although the dollar has been significantly devalued, I get by. I can still afford my little luxuries, I have an enviable collection of bags and watches, I can afford my Sunday brunches and fancy dinners with my ladies without scooping out coins and bills under my couch or in my bags. 

Five – The most infallible testimony to what great life I have --- is a collection that I will not trade for anything. My friends.  True, loyal and great friends that I acquired and kept through all these years. Jakarta, in the most aggrandizing moments, is survivable because of my girlfriends from here. When I come back to Manila, I come home to the comforts of my inner circle, my besties, my college friends, my Globe family, my adopted daughter and my own family. One of the greatest successes that I’m very proud of is keeping the right friends, choosing the good apples and staying with them. 

With these top 5, I really have no right to complain. If I rant any further, I feel that the Universe will strike me with lightning. Any moment now. 

Life is not perfect. But it’s always good. 

Lead me, Lord

My heart tells me to just surrender.

I know I have never said this openly.

But do lead me. I will go wherever you want me to.

You know all of my heart's desire. And I know that you may not give me all that I want, but you will give me everything that I need.

You gave me free will. You gave me my choice.

But this time, Lord, lead me.

I know I am in good hands.

Break the glass

"Break the glass, please, and free us from all these damned rules, from needing to find an explanation for everything, from doing only what others approve of..."

"I wanted to say that it’s a rite of passage, as he’s often said. That it’s forbidden. That glasses do not break on purpose. That when we walk into restaurants or into our homes, we are always careful to move the glasses that are on the edge of the table. Our world requires us to make sure that the glasses do not fall on the floor.

"Break the glass, I thought to myself, because it is a symbolic gesture. Try to understand that within myself, things were breaking of much more importance than a glass, and I’m happy for that. Look to your own inner struggles and break this glass..."

"Our parents taught us to be careful with glasses and with our bodies. They taught us that the passions of childhood are impossible; we should not remove men from the priesthood, that people do not perform miracles and that no one goes on a journey without knowing where he wants to go..."

"Break this cup, please, I thought to myself, and release of all these damn misconceptions, the habit you have of only doing that which everyone agrees with..."

Paulo Coelho thought and wrote about it perfectly.

The devil or the deep blue sea

I knew it.

When the Universe is up to something, I can sense that there is something happening on the background. I can feel the wheels of change turning and the very subtle, implicit signs of her machinations.

That restlessness, that agitation ---- really meant something. A foreboding, a premonition of things to come. True enough, change is once again on its way. It dealt me a new set of cards --- not exactly to my liking and in my favor.

I am faced with the choice: the devil or the deep blue sea.

I chose the deep blue sea. Or the Universe chose the deep blue sea for me. She might have realized that I'd rather swim relentlessly than sell my soul. I can't take the latter back.

It's not the best deal that I got, but at the moment, it is the temporal placeholder that I have to contend with. It's another test, whether I can bloom where I planted and if I can grow enough patience to withstand what I have to deal with. Resilience is something natural to me, but patience - it is a struggle to learn and practice.

An epiphany this morning also made me realize that it's not just patience that she wanted me to imbibe. The Universe wants me to learn how to trust --- which I stopped doing God knows when. It's not something that I naturally dispense even as a child. Now both time and tide are asking me to let go and just trust. I realized that if patience is elusive because it's not an inherent virtue in me, trust is something that I naturally refuse to give.

It's time - to learn and unlearn things.

I hope I'm right in doing this.

Random Friday musings

1. This morning, God just reminded me how lucky I am. I have everything I need...and more.

2. You can't stop the star from shining.

3. "I can conquer the world in one hand, for as long as you hold the other."

4. Grateful...again for the hidden gems in my team. I am so proud of all of you!

5. I can't wait to take a break in Phuket, Thailand next week!

6. It's a good thing that I realized earlier on what the more important things in life are.

7. In anyone's death bed, nobody wished to have spent more time in the office. Nobody remembered last year's targets or KPIs.

8. But people remembered friendships. Relationships. How and when you extended a helping hand.

9. 4 years gone, and I still remember you very fondly and vividly. I love you, Nanay. Always watch over me and the entire family.

10. 8 months. Must projectize and focus!

Have a great weekend, everyone!!!

Happy pill

Happy pill...pahingi ng happy pill!!!

I need a non-artificial upper today.

(im)Patient

Dear Universe,

Sorry for the lack of patience.

I am trying. I'm learning the balance between the right time and the right opportunity.

And thanks...for being patient because admittedly, I've got a loooooooooong way to go.

Musings on a Sunday morning – version 2011

Dreams…

are manifestations of a hidden fear or a subconscious desire. You may be in denial during your waking moments but dreams have a way of filling you in on what’s in the recesses of your mind.

Denial is a river in Egypt. But a dream can actually be the hardest reality that you dare not face when you’re awake.

Personal space

I have a lot of it. I need a lot of it. I cry foul when I feel it’s inadvertently penetrated. I like my quiet moments when I get lost in contemplation. These days, a period of silence is hard to come by. If I am elusive, it only means I want to retreat into my own corner. I am elusive because I choose to be.

All I’m asking for is a little bit of space – a few hours or so can already recharge my batteries. That’s not asking for too much, isn’t it?

Reclaiming what’s mine

Before I officially hit Loserville, ‘thought I needed to make the effort to get my Me Time back. Last year, I wrote less, I read less. I visited blogs less. It may well be attributable to the World Citizenship transition, but still, it’s not an excuse. The move should not have been too daunting – enough to stall me from writing.

And I realized… all my blog entries are about work! I lost my mojo.

I intend to get it back!

I miss keyboard-pounding. Not for presos but just for me – no matter how trite and trivial.

I should do this more often.

Really.

Restful weekend

Now that I've gotten enough sleep, my body hurts - not because of the flu but because I slept too much!

Another reinforcement and validation of what I already know: I really am a workaholic.

Despite being sick, I can't help but check my email and reply to the really important ones.
Yesterday, I woke up at 7:30am to make sure that I've sent all necessary approvals before people in the office arrived at 8:00am.

Today, I woke up early to do my personal admin. I know I wouldn't be able to help it and I'll end up checking my email and revising some files.

I'm enjoying my restful weekend, though. It's nice to be able to get some rest and sleep.

I'm feeling fantabulous already!

10-10-10

It's monumental...today, that is.

10-10-10.

I thought about the past 10 months that have gone by. It has been a whirlwind.
My life has been a roller coaster ride from day 1, but it seems like I will never get used to it.

I can't complain.

The Universe has been treating me well. It's like she's making it up.

Thank you. I'm really grateful.

On holiday mode

Five days of being on holiday mode.

Aylavet!!!

Nothing but spacing out, pigging out, catching up on much-needed Zzzzzzs, champagne brunch and good conversations with friends.

I so needed it. The past 2 weeks have been very, very stressful.

I'm so glad I had some down time.

And drunken moments with Evelyn at the Four Seasons. Hahaha.

Wonderful.

Jakarta files: Random Sunday musings

Ever since I landed in Jakarta, Sundays became the default day of respite. I never really rested on Sundays when I was in Manila.

Well, for one, my driver needs a day-off. Blame it on the expat lifestyle that you can get quickly accustomed to here, but I feel lazy going out if Pak Karman is not with me. I know. Katamaran, isdatchu? Spoiled brat, isdisme?

More importantly, though, work is really tiring. Tiring – is the understatement of the month. Despite the reality here that offices close their lights and turn off their LAN connections at 6:00 pm, our work doesn’t end there. Either we continue meetings until dinner time at Loewy or we bring work home.

It helps a lot that I love what I’m doing. I’m back doing usability and portal management. I wanna kick ass doing both. It does entail long hours - lunch and dinner meetings to boot.
With this, I officially declared Sunday as my quiet time in the apartment when I can catch up with favorite TV series (Chuck! Chuck! Chuck!) or talk to my friends and family in Manila.

This morning, while waiting for Ana to arrive for my house clean-up, I decided to re-skin my blog. New updates deserve a new look.

Plus, my comment enabler Haloscan was bought out by a greedy company who wanted to charge USD $10 to continue the service. Hell no! ‘Won’t spend a dime for social networking that’s supposed to be FREE. Hello, Echo? What the hell were you thinking???

Anyways…

Aside from being uber hectic to ensure my smooth transition to Jakarta, Facebook was one of the culprits why I updated less frequently (another understatement). It’s easier to just drop a line or two there for updates.

I know. That excuse is a total cop out.

And so my blog quest continues…

For now, I shall enjoy my quiet Sunday.

Solitude

I miss quiet moments with myself.

I don't have a lot of those lately.

My social calendar is fully booked. I have double bookings for dinners and cocktails. I need to take vendors out for dinner. I have to see friends.

I miss Sunday mornings when there's nothing to do but just stare in space or watch episodes of TV series that I missed.

I never realized that I will grow tired of the noise.

I just want to be quiet. Even for a short while. For a change.

Welcome 2010!

Happy New Year, everyone!

While I bid adieu to 2009, I will leave behind all the hurt and the loss that it brought me.
I will leave behind the drama...and close the door behind me completely.

At the same time, I will carry with me all the successes, the joys, the friendships and all the love that the year gave me.

Thank you, 2009 - for my new job post, for my Valedictory speech, for my travels abroad, for my new condo.

Thank you for the love and for all the good, trustworthy and loyal friends who are still with me. Thank you for my family. Thank you for my great love.

I welcome the year 2010 full of hope and aspirations, knowing that I can --- and I definitely will!

Cheers to becoming a great person and in finding and keeping that one great love.

Fight sa 2010!