To Sir with Love

Exactly three years ago, we were together in Jakarta. 

We spent the weekend together with Ate Evelyn, plowed through the antique shops of Jalan Surabaya for my furniture collection and bought my first serious nude painting. 

We went to Segarra to see the sunset while we were having cocktails. 

Blame it on Timehop that I actually unearthed this specific episode. 

Can you believe it? It has been three years. Has it been that long? 

I haven't seen you for two years now. The cosmos has yet to align for us to bump into each other once again. We share the same city once in a while. We check in the same hotel, for crying out loud! Yet we never, ever come across each other.

Perhaps the Universe knows in her core that I may not be ready for it - no matter the brave front. Honestly, the thought bubble in my mind is: Are you? 

Three years.

But the photos still scorched something in me. 

I still bled a little. My throat still burned from choking back tears and my chest felt like there's an anvil shoved on top of it. 

Ganon pala talaga kita minahal. 

I casually told Nabeth what happened today, of three years ago. She said, "Sayang si Sir. Akala ko talaga kayo na." 

I thought so, too. 

Today, I'm in a much better place, but the thought of you...of us...still strike me nostalgic. 

I can't help but wonder until when I will bleed a little when I think of you. 

I guess this is what great loves do to people. They make you realize the amount of pain and love you can bear for one person, just for the want and the need to be with them.  

Sir, you're definitely one for the books. 

After all, there is only One Great Love in this lifetime for me.

That, or I may just be waxing sentimental.  

What dreams may come

I'm writing about this a few days late, but I thought it was blog-worthy, nonetheless. 

I dreamt about you a few nights ago. 

It had such a massive impact on me that I woke up with tears streaming down my face. My pillow was wet with tears. 'Took that as a sign that I was crying for some time before I actually woke up.

I dreamt that we were going to attend this formal evening ball together but you decided that you did not want to go with me. Yes, in my dream, we were still together. I was convincing you to go with me to the party but you insisted - being the usual hard-headed that you are - to go without me because you had other plans. I wasn't sure if you were going with someone else, but the rejection broke me. 

That being said, I decided to go to the ball with another girlfriend. 

En route to the ball, amidst the crowd, I actually saw you about to enter the grand ballroom. 

There you are, dapper in your gray suit and dark blue tie. You were looking around. You were alone. You were maneuvering your way through the sea of people, with your neck sticking out like you were looking for something or someone. 

A few minutes passed by and you were still by yourself. But you were alone. You went to the party on your own.

In a few milliseconds, I felt relieved to not see you with anyone. But that relief was quickly overtaken by grief, by a deep remorse that I felt in my core. 

In my dreams, tears were rolling down my cheeks because I felt sad that you were by yourself. In my head, there was a stream of questions. 

Who will take care of you? Who will entertain you in the party? Will you be okay? 

I wanted to run after you to be there. 

But truth of the matter is, you decided to fly solo. 

When I woke up, I was still crying. My chest was still heavy. 

There you were. You were the one who left. But here I am, worrying about you - who will be there for you, who will be there with you, who will take care of you.

And someday, somehow, it will pain me to know that there is someone. But with the pain comes the gladness in my heart that someone is looking after you. 

Your happiness, after all, is what I truly wish for. 

That soft spot

Although I can no longer imagine us again, I do think of you.

And when I do, it still has a bite. 

Sometimes I do think:

What happened to us? 

Seriously - how and why did we cave in? 

Memories

R.

I thought about you yesterday and a veil of sadness wrapped around me. 

I was just wondering how you are --- and if what you thought about who I am is true.

In moments of self doubt, I do think about the things that you said about me.

At the same time, I'm wondering if your world is better now than it was when we were together. I sincerely hope that it is. Otherwise, the sacrifice of letting you go has failed.

I wish you well, Old Friend. Everyday, as always. 

Love,
A.   

Come to think of it...

This is the first Christmas after 5 years that we are not celebrating together. 

I'm back in Manila whilst you are gallivanting with your friends in Vegas for the holidays. 

Despite everything that happened between us, I do believe we had a good run. I do wish you well and I am fervently praying that you are truly happy this holiday season.

Merry Christmas, Big. 

It's time for us to finally move on. 



 

Life's blessings in disguise

October 27. 

Today, if things went according to plan, it would have been our wedding day. 

Big and I. 

Since the Universe seems to have a different agenda, here I am, fresh from scouring the streets of Binondo with friends while stuffing ourselves silly with Chinese food.

While Big --- is in Hong Kong with his brand new spankin' car, Oscar. I will miss Bud. We had happy days. Oscar, I will never get to know. 

New lives. Same people. 

A lot of my friends ask me why I'm not mad at him. Why I'm not enraged with what he did to me. 

I just can't get myself to.

I was never hard-wired to harbor anger in my heart for a long period of time. I feel it's a poison that will run through my veins that's likely to transform me into a person that I wouldn't want to face in the mirror. 

I have not obtained absolute happiness, but despite the twists and turns to the story of our lives, I can say that I am happy. I have joy in my life.

To Big: may you find happiness in your life that I was never able to give. May you find that sense of security and assurance that a person like me cannot provide. 

And to Me: Girl, hats off to you for braving it through. For gritting your teeth and marching forward despite the crushing pain in your heart. For not being cynical. For still believing. For keeping the faith and gratitude that life requires for survival. For giving love another chance. For believing that life is beautiful --- it only depends on how you look at it. 

And this day will be etched in my memory --- not because of the pain that it brought me, but because of its significance. 

There is always hope for the flowers. 

And I never believe otherwise.

Purpose

For everything that is happening in my life right now, there must be a purpose. 

1. My engagement with Big was broken.
2. I turned down a contract renewal in Indonesia --- regardless of its 100% salary increase. Yep, you got that right.  
3. I came back to the Philippines.
4. I came back to my previous company --- with a better package and a better post, of course. 
5. I had a recent falling out with Big.
6.  I had another falling out with a friend --- In hindsight I'm actually thinking whether she was really my friend to begin with.
7. My priorities are shifting. There is meaning beyond the long hours at work. 
8. Friends and significant people from all over the world are returning to Manila!

I am definitely pruning my friendship list. Some are intentional, some are circumstantial.  

I'm re-examining my values and what's important to me. I'm beginning to question whether what I'm doing in my life is actually contributing to the betterment of humanity, so to speak.

With every heart ache that I feel, another blessing comes. Is it just me or is this really happening? Or perhaps I learned how to count my blessings for every tear that falls.


God knows I want to do more, fulfill more, achieve more.

And at the end of everything, I want to have more joy in my life.

Purpose.

I sure damn hope that I'm fulfilling mine.

Of endings and beginnings

Your time has ended because you chose to end it. 

I asked you.

Several times. 

How many doors and windows do I need to open for you?

How many thousands of tears should I shed for you? 

Life does not seem to end the way you want it to?

You chose your ending. Our ending. 

Remember when I asked you what you wanted to do with us? That was my last play to at least know if anything is worth saving. 

I cannot save you. 

Not anymore. 

You never wanted me to. 

Big

I do think of you every now and then. 

I will always be fond of you --- in ways that I may not express and just keep to myself. 

The love I have for you will always be there. 

I'm saving it for another lifetime.

Looking back

You BBM'd me this evening to ask: "Muzta na?"

Muzta na? Who uses that??? Ang jologs! I couldn't help but laugh.

It's hilarious coming from you, though, with Tagalog not being your first language.

What made it funnier is that you didn't know that it was tacky. 

I caught myself sighing.

I do miss you every now and then. 

This made me miss us today. 

But I know I can't look back anymore. 

And I shouldn't. 

Oh well. 

And the day goes on.

Life goes on. 

Wish me happy

You broke my heart. Into a million pieces. 

So I hope you can find it in your heart to wish me well. 

I hope you can be happy that I want to be happy. 

After everything that has been said and done, this is the least that you can do for me. 

"Good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

Thus, said Marilyn Monroe. 

To complete her quote:

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”

So very true and couldn't have been said any better. 

Whilst to others, a broken engagement is a disaster - to me, it was God saving me from further disastrous events. 

Things may have fallen apart but to be honest, I am in a much better place right now. 

I have learned to be independent. Once again. Now, I am following my own dreams. My own plans. I have turned a new leaf and have embraced the possibility of being able to love again. 

I am embracing the change, because it is good for me. 

The month of June has always marked the season of change for me. I'm quite happy with everything that is happening. 

Some things are meant to be bitter-sweet. I look forward to the new life ahead of me back in Manila. At the same time, I am saddened because I will leave people I care about here in Jakarta. 

I hope things turn out well in the end. God knows what is truly in my heart, what my soul so richly desires. 

I allowed a good thing to fall apart --- because I want to bask in the greatness and happiness of what better thing will fall together from hereon.

This is it. 

I am moving on. Definitely, absolutely moving on. 

:)

Remembering

Tomorrow would have marked our 6th year anniversary. 

Perhaps if plans didn't change, I would be in the middle of discussions with our wedding planner on which florist to choose. I would have probably been e-mailing Veluz Reyes on the details of my wedding gown. 

No matter how much we plan our lives, though, things don't turn out the way we envisioned it. 

Whenever people find out about the broken engagement, they normally say sorry. But to be honest, this might have been one of the best things that happened this year. 

Because finally...we are letting each other go.

Whenever a door closes, God will open gazillions of windows and doors for new beginnings and new chances. 

In my heart, I believe that life will be nothing but better after this. 

People actually wonder why I am still friends with you after this. It's simple, really --- I don't want to bear any grudge because I have faith that God must have saved me from something disastrous. 

And six years ---- is still six years. 

YOU...

Will always be the love of my life. 

You will always be that person who got the best of me. I gave you my best. I gave you my everything. 

At least now, I can say that I have done that in this lifetime. 
 
After all that has been said and done, no regrets. 

May you find the love and life that you deserve. 
 

The Universe reminded me today, once again

"Life is too short. Look out for yourself. If someone continuously mistreats you, have enough respect for yourself to leave them. It may hurt for a while, but it’ll be OKAY. You will be OKAY. Oftentimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength. We walk away not because we want others to realize our worth, but because we finally realize our own worth..."

AMEN.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

was all that I was asking for. 

Even that, you failed to give. 

Funny --- and ironic at the same time --- how I was the one hurt in all of this, yet I am the one slow to anger.

I don't know where your fury is coming from. Ridiculous, how you feel you have the right to it.

Still no anger on my end. Perhaps you're expecting me to be, but I will not give you that.

My anger will be your absolution. 

All my love and my kindness to you. All because I know you need it. 

But amidst all this, I pray --- for my own peace. 

For my heart and my spirit to heal. 

All the love for you. 

Still.

Happy place, comfort zone

In moments of turbulence and times of uncertainty, I seek refuge in your arms. 

Thank you. 

Thank you for the comforting words, for the assurance that you are just here.

Thank you for being my voice of reason, for putting order in my otherwise chaotic thoughts when I'm overwhelmed with too much emotion. 

Thank you for taking care of me.

Compromise

...is a big, big word.

It's tough. It's difficult. 


When you are in a relationship --- you just really have to. 

When you are engaged --- all the more that you need to learn its essence and how to do it. 

It's hard. 

Pero sige --- para sa 'yo --- kakaririn ko. 

That's what I promised you, anyway. 

To have your back --- even if I compromise mine. 

I have to hand it to you, though. Thanks for trying, too. 

Don't get tired of trying.

Compromise. 

Big word. 

But I hope we're bigger than that.

Happy 2012!

Simple. Happy. Steady. Quiet. 

This was how I spent my New Year with the family. 

As I downloaded the Christmas revelry's photos while my fiance' is still fast asleep --- I cannot help but smile. I am happy and content. I am filled with joy. There was no need go out, party and get wasted. I am happy being still.

And yes, I have to get used to calling him the fiance' from now on. 

It's a brand new year. 

For the first time, I am not planning solely for my career - where my next country of assignment will be, how I will advance in the corporate ladder, how I will reach my KPIs.

For the first time in my entire existence, I am actually planning my life with someone. 

It's a scary change. I've never done this before.  

But as the cliche' goes, I just need to take that leap of faith. 

2012 will be a brand new year of faith, hope and love.

Cheers to a better year ahead --- to stillness, to a steady and happy life.

Happy New Year, everyone!!! 

TGIF!

Rush-packing and rush-typing. 

The Boss is finally here. And I'm still stuck in the office replying to e-mails! 

Looking forward to a great, restful and stress-free weekend!

Fast forward to weekend

Barely mid-week and I'm already looking forward to Friday. 

It's a pleasant surprise. A beautiful thing. 


I can't wait for you to be here again. 

I'm all for the weekends lately, I noticed.