Off to the land of flavors and spices

Wading in the pool of Four Seasons.

Chowing down uber spicy food.

Manohra or Loy Nava cruise.

Clubbing at Glow.

Shopping.

Did I say shopping?

I can't wait!

I'm off to lala-land for a few days.

Sanity maintenance.

Wish me a happy trip, folks!

Unwritten

What I feel, what I'm going through.

For the most part.

Remains unwritten.

I will let you know soon.

Can you wait?

Wait until we are far and away.

Soon.

- waxing philosophical at 1:45am.

The Happy Book

I've been reading David Matthews' Being Happy for the past week.



It's a great follow-up read to Dr. Joseph Murphy's The Power of Your Subsconscious Mind.

Happiness has always been a personal choice and a state of mind.

The most successful and happiest people learned the art of choosing happiness over angst or sorrow in the most challenging and difficult situations.

And I'm just a newbie learning the how-tos.

As they say, the pursuit of happiness begins with learning to live "in the now," rather than drive ourselves nuts worrying about what the future will bring.

Sharing some excerpts from the book about Living in the Now:

"Living in the now is expanding our awareness to make the current moment more delicious rather than shutting off. Each of us has the choice, moment by moment, as to whether we really live and absorb and allow ourselves to be touched and affected.

Whenever we are living in the present moment, we drive fear from our mind. Essentially, fear is concern over events which might happen sometime in the future. This concern can be paralyzing to the point where we find it impossible to do anything constructive.

However, you are only open to intense fear when you are being inactive. The minute you start to take action and actually DO SOMETHING, fear subsides. Living in the now is about taking action without fear of the consequences. It is about putting in the effort for the sake of the involvement, without worry as to whether we will get our just rewards."

Note to self: Buy Boyfriend a copy of the book. 'Might just do some tricks in allaying fears of things that may not even be there or events that may not even happen.

Weekend spent happily with Ninay

This weekend was nothing extraordinary. I managed to write a few pages for my thesis, get the packages I bought from eBay, had some snoozy downtime on my ever-so-missed bed and spent a lot of time with my Mom and Ninay - my almost baby daughter.

Last Friday, after office, I went home to Mom's house for dinner and cartoons. As I was lazily lying on my Mom's bed, she was watching Ant Bully with me. When the movie was about to end, she saw that the kid from the movie eagerly hugged his Mom.
From out of nowhere, she muttered, "Basta ako may Mommy. Ikaw." Then she hugged me tightly and gently kissed my forehead.

How can you say no to a beautiful child like that?
Today, after going to church for Sunday Mass, I bought her first set of fat crayolas for beginners and her very first coloring book. I gave it to her after dinner and taught her how to color and stay within the lines. She already knows her colors very well and the best way for her to naturally recognize them is for her to dabble with crayons and paint.

That, and to avoid the scolding of my Mom. Ninay recently experimented with Mom's eyeliner and lipstick and drew lines and circles all over the mirror. Lagot na bata.

I reprimanded her for it gently. I can't get myself to scold or punish the kid - she's kind, wonderful --- and obedient. Mom made her clean up the mess she did, though.

She's one of the major reasons why I stay home a lot lately. It's not just about her having a mother figure in her life. It's also about me... learning so much from a kid like her.

It's great to see life in the eyes of a child and learn to appreciate its simplicity once again. And it's amazing how her kind, loving words can melt my heart and make me cry.

Shoppingera strikes again

My shopping frenzy is directly proportional to the level of stress I'm currently experiencing.

For two weeks now, I couldn't even go to the mall right in front of the office to have a quick go-see of new stuff. Working 12 hours on the average is no party.

Rather than feel sorry for myself, what better way to while away my time and zone out in between designing and thesis-drafting through eBay!

My latest indulgence:

1. Black two-toned corduroy and synthetic leather knee-high boots with butterfly applique'- At PhP420, this brand-new baby (no damages whatsoever, no catch with the cheap price!) is definitely a steal. I wouldn't even call it indulgence. I love this new pair. My boots collection is now growing at 6 pairs.




2. Tube dress in blue and yellow - works best with my knee-high leather gray boots. It's stretchable so small to large frames can fit in the dress. Yummy!









3. Tube dress in black and red - over jeans or by itself. Panalo! I bought the dresses from chelzy29. A very friendly and accommodating seller from Batangas. Photos taken from her site.

I was quite skeptical to purchase online from the local eBay, what with the proliferation of bogus sellers. A quick tip to know who's trustworthy: make sure to view the sellers' ratings. If they're 90-100% positive and they're known for both honest and fast transaction, don't hesitate to browse through their stuff. Plus, eBay has greatly improved their customer service. Their dispute console also helps customers make sure that they're protected from fraud.

For purchases that are quite expensive, such as Louis Vuitton, Fendi, Chanel and other signature bags, ask the sellers if they are willing to do meet-ups and CODs.

Be a reasonable buyer, too. If someone is selling an LV Speedy 30 or a Batignolles for only a thousand bucks, then don't be surprised if these are fakeys from Greenhills or Shenzhen. You get what you pay for.

It's also important to know how to spot and distinguish knock-offs from the real ones.

Let me look for this article I found online on how to distinguish fake LVs from the real ones and post here soon. I share these with fellow bag and LV aficionadas so we can all buy cheaply but not get ripped off!

Special shoutouts to Cyndi, Russell and Cathy - my new eBay sukis. You guys make eBay shopping a wonderful experience.

Monday: Emote mode

Barely a week in Toronto.

I'm sad. I miss. I'm conquered.

On. Rant and Rave Mode.

Mabilisang complaint and gushing galore:

1. I'm not happy with the avalanche of work. It doesn't help that both the system and process do not support what we want to do. Bakit kailangang may memo for approval sa bawat galaw? Konti na lang... I am about to explode like a volcano that's been dormant for years.

2. Bakit every week nagtataas ng gasolina? I want to cry foul pero kung feeling kawawa ako, lalo na siguro ang ibang mga manggagawang Pilipino at mga minimum wage earners.

3. I love Kitty Go. Can I just say? I love, love, love you Kitty Go! May you be the last Bitch standing in the blogosphere. I prefer blog sites who can stand their ground and dish without being anonymous. Why hide in anonymity if you know what you're saying? Ang galing pa niyang magsulat. Sa Hong Kong pa siya nakatira. Gusto ko tuloy sabihin (ala Madz): "Paglaki ko, gagayahin ko si Kitty Go!"

4. Sense of humor. Without it, baka may namura na ako o nabato ng Starbucks mug sa office. Salamat sa teammate kong si Ka-Birthday. Quesa umiyak sa dami ng trabaho, tawa at kain na lang (calories, calories!).

5. Mantra for my thesis: two pages a day, go a long, long way. Matapos ko lang ang thesis ko - I can move on. Plan. Plan! Move on! Did I say plan?

6. Vacay. I'm uber pagod. Madali na uminit ang ulo ko. I really need a break. Sana dinggin ni Boyfriend ang panalangin ko na mag-quick vacation naman kami. Dahil, in myGlobe ghey term, nalu-lurkay na ko ditrez!

7. Wine. Yosi. Gusto ko sila pareho tonight. I need to de-stress. O sige, wine na lang. That will do. Pwede bang kasama na sa package si Boyfriend?

Freedom, is it?

Thoughts. Overflowing thoughts.

I have a lot in my head, what with my thesis and everything else at work.

Here's something that I read this morning - one of those bits in my train of thoughts:

"But now finally, I am speaking out. Because I have learned that, even in this club, where we should all know to some extent the pain of being punished for behaving as though we were free in an unfree world, these freedoms we were promised are not absolute. They are sold to us in smiling-mouthed, red-ribboned packages of peace and hope. We are offered salvation from a world that thinks it has the right to torment us for our difference. But when the shine wears off, the dull reality sinks in: difference is still, far too oftern, a defect. There is still a code to be followed, and consequences for those who do not follow it..."

- Constance Lynne
Supercolliding Over A Twinkie
Angry Musings From a Femme in the Deep South
from the book The Femme Mystique

I'm just like everyone else. I'm no different for being unique yet wanting to be the same like everyone else.

Because difference harbors doubt. Mistrust.

Don't be afraid of me because you think I'm different or my glassy eyes makes me one of them.

I would choose to be just like everyone else - if that will make you trust me more.

Hello, Lover


The Louis Vuitton Neverfull MM Monogram.

The Boyfriend's gift last week.

'Came with the surprise visit.

Thanks, Babe.

Giving more of yourself... trying for us... mean more to me than the LV present. Of course this major token is very much appreciated (manifestation being: I haven't changed my bag for an entire week).

Thank you for trying. For all the efforts to see us in a different light.

For initiating the "talk" last night. For saying sorry. And meaning it.

For looking at me in the way you do.

You're wonderful.

Past, Present, Purpose

“The secret of success is the constancy of purpose.”

This mantra was printed on one of my diaries in grade school. It stuck to me like a leech.

I heard of this again when Doji became my boss seven years ago. This was his personal dictum. Every now and then when we have breakfast together, he would still mention this when we talk about life, goals, achievements and the not-so-far-away future.

As Avenue Q harped on the essence of finding one’s purpose in life, I found myself asking the quintessential question: Have I found mine?

I am 30. Single.

In my circle of friends, I am one of the very few remaining bachelorettes with marriage very far in sight – by choice and by circumstance.

A lot of them are engaged and about to be married within the next two years, while I am incessantly beleaguered by what’s becoming an irritating question: “So when are you getting married?”

Or here’s yet another one: “Don’t you want to get pregnant and have kids?”

While I see myself having a lifetime partner – married or otherwise – I am still on that selfish mode of not wanting to get pregnant just yet. I cannot see myself bloated with water retention, gaining more and more weight when in the past 5 years or so, I struggled with how to get away from my Chubbychina self.

My current profile:

I live on my own. I drive my own car, I pay my own rent.

My career is on track, so far. Admittedly, things could be better on this side.

I am about to become a UP Centennial graduate and earn my Masters Degree. If I finish my thesis on time, that is.

I have a Boyfriend who, every now and then, feels scared about me and our future together that makes him hold back. Despite this, I am deeply in love with him. In my eyes, in my mind and in my heart – he is just as fabulous and wonderful.

I have a nowhere-near perfect family that I come home to every weekend. Despite the cracks, I cannot imagine my life without them and the every bit of flaw that we have.

I’m not as filthy rich as I want to be. I have money problems every now and then, ceaselessly worrying about how I can be a better provider for my loved ones. Yet I am content with how I can afford trips if I want to get away or appease myself with a luxury bag without batting an eyelash.

Although my bank account is not as loaded as I hope it would be at my age, I’m just as relieved that I have a roof on top of my head that shelters me and that I am not destitute.

The army of friends I am proud to have and hold is priceless. The best friends, the people in my speed dial and the so-called 911 people are in my life.

With this mental accounting of what I have and don’t, it’s easy to be pulled on either side: feel blessed and content for what I have or get frustrated and pine over things that I cannot yet possess.

Without the glorious past of my twenty-somethings and the bright future of my thirties, only one thing remains: the clear picture of my present without the smokes, mirrors and tainted glass window.

I have my present reality.

The jaded-realist-borderline bigot puppets of Avenue Q actually make sense. Some people find their purpose, some don’t.

So have I found mine?

I may not be the almost-engaged, nearly-married, career-successful, over-the-top, moneyed-honey I would want to be, yet I find excitement that I am slowly finding clarity. And inevitably, finding my purpose.

I am finding my purpose without unknowingly following the footsteps of my grandmother.

When I was young, I got accustomed to a house full of transients and adopted “relatives” – blood-related or otherwise. My Grandmother opened what was once our ancestral home to people, some even strangers, to stay with us and be part of the family.

Though we were not rich, she sent some of them to school or helped their children go to school to have decent jobs. My Mom is an only child, yet I grew up having a lot of titos and titas who I realized later on were not even related to us in any way.

During her wake and her burial, a lot of them came back from the States to pay their tribute to their “mother.”

Now that I am of age, I found myself in the same path – without even knowing it.

Our small family house is now home to my ageing Yaya, who I chose to take care of when she’s old. It’s the least that I can do for someone who offered her entire life to our family. We are also taking care of her sister who cannot be supported by her impoverished children.

I am now a mother to a nearly-3 year old child who was left to us when she was an infant. I may not be her natural mother and I am still at a loss whether to legally adopt her or not and how to financially afford all my newly-extended family obligations, but I do know that I will have a hand in how she will be raised and educated. Most of all, I have the potential to make her feel loved and compensate for the affection lost when she was left by her parents.

Do I need to get married to have a family of my own? Do I need to get pregnant and give birth to become a real mother?

In my case, not quite.

Perhaps, the Universe has different directions for each one of us. Nobody should be obligated to follow a path that is not theirs.

And if this path is meant to be mine, I am just as glad to take it and rejoice with what I have. As Avenue Q put it, “We are okay for now.”

Fighting temptations: Thou shall covet thy neighbor’s LV

If you want me to go weak in the knees, say the magic word, baby.

Louis Vuitton.

Fine. They’re burning LV bagaholics at the stake now. Just go to the chismis sites who crucify LV, Chanel and Gucci lovers as perpetrators of grave social sins (but then again, this deserves a separate blog entry).

Last Wednesday, as I was taking a break from a 16-hour stint in the office, I managed to scour through e-bay Philippines sans any purpose.

First keyword in mind: Louis Vuitton.

As I went through the search results page… scroll down, down, down…

Voila!

Darling, what do we have here?

An LV Bel Air sling bag-briefcase!

I’m in luuuuuurv.

This 1997-2000 beauty was being auctioned off quite reasonably.

I only had one apprehension in mind: Is it authentic, considering that I found it in ebay?

I looked at the seller’s online reputation and rating. She is quite stellar – given a 100% positive rating by all her customers.

Immediately, I signed up in the auction site, got in touch with the seller, asked questions, requested for more close-up shots and placed my bid.

Naturally, I won the bid since cosmo Manila is more predisposed to purchasing the Speedy, the bucket and other more popular Vuittons.

This afternoon, as heavy rains drenched Manila, I drove to the mall to meet Cyndi, the fab seller who is also a bag enthusiast like me.

I now have, in my hand, the Bel Air sling bag.

Not one ounce of regret that I made the bid. No, it wasn’t bought on impulse since I thought about it for days. I obsessed over it as manifested by two sleepless nights and by my incessant staring at its photo in my laptop.

La Belle Air and I were meant to be together.

After slaving off in the office the entire week and not sleeping a wink last night getting worried sick of Boyfriend --- I most definitely deserve it.

*huge smile plastered on my face*

Sunday morning: coffee, thesis and a movie

I woke up early today. 8:30 am on a Sunday morning is early in my definition.

Hours and hours of sleep did me a lot of good.

So I am on thesis mode again. With coffee, a cigarette stick… and an HBO movie.

In the middle of lines and lines of words and paragraphs on global warming, I just thought about him. And us.

There’s a line in Taye Diggs’ movie (The Best Man, 1999), spoken by his long-time girlfriend: “Maybe if I meet them then I will know what’s holding you back to me.”

What is holding you back?

Doubts? Fear that I will leave? That I will not stick around?

What about fears of my own? That you will leave? That you will not stick around?

I have them all – in their full darkness and pain.

But I have faith.

And I continue to believe.

I just hope I wake up one Sunday morning finding you in the same walk of faith.

In me, in you.

In us.

Six cycle Cinderella

I spent the entire Saturday in bed on snooze mode. Feeling sick, with the smell of food making me feel like throwing up. With intermittent sleep, though, I’m better now.

Notwithstanding the migraine, it feels good to recharge on a Saturday – stay in, do some errands, nap.

Cheap alcohol = nasty hangover

Last night’s partying caused me a whole day’s worth of hangover. Friends and I have been going to Sidebar for cheap cocktails – imagine getting 3 margaritas and frozen daiquiris for a hundred fifty bucks! It’s a super steal!

Being a cheapskate, though, has a steep price. Since I already did this twice, I can claim that cheap alcohol really brings me the worst migraine of all.

Will I do it again? Maybe. Hahaha.

Grapetinis and flirtinis will always be fabulous at Martinis, Mandarin. No doubt about that!

But there’s also something about cheaply hanging out with friends, waiting in queue to have our own tables for an hour while already getting our margarita fix. Not to mention that the bar’s DJ really plays good hip-hop and trance music!

I definitely won’t do it every week but it’s something fun to do every now and then.

As for the next stop, Gemma and I have been toying with the idea of going back to Jaipur – revisiting an old jaunt of ours after several months of hibernation. Let’s see if I can drag The Boyfriend back in there – all in the spirit of fun.

Deadmatology 101

No. I’m not ignoring you intentionally, dear friend. When you send me messages online, either I’m in meetings or I just logged off.

So I’m not on deadma-mode on purpose.

At the same time, don’t ask me to dish if you can’t take it.

You dish --- a whole lot. Know how to take it when it’s your turn.

Friday etcetera

I didn’t realize it was Friday the 13^th today until I logged in to my notebook and saved my first file for the day. I normally save documents with their corresponding date.

I forget where beliefs about Friday the 13^th originated. I remember reading somewhere that it’s a Wiccan tradition to celebrate the 13^th. It wasn’t supposed to be stigmatized as unlucky. There’s just something mystic about it.

Moving on to my random thoughts this morning…

Sunnydale High

Ka-Birthday is a colleague of mine. From the monicker, yes, we have the same birthday, only that he’s a year older. We are collaborating on a personal project for the past week now and although things are just in its early stages of conception, I’m feeling quite excited about it.

What’s very interesting about this guy is how his sunny disposition can overcome any kind of pressure and misfortune. Not once did I see him get pissed off over something. Well, even if I did, it must be about something with the greatest of magnitude.

While every team member is already in panic-mode days before a project launch, he remains calm and collected. When there are difficult assignments and almost everyone gets discouraged, he’s the only one who will come to me and remark that the project is exciting.

Although magka-birthday kami and I’m generally an optimist, admittedly, I don’t have that kind of temperament. When I’m pissed, it’s hard for me to keep a straight face or not say anything.

I’m just glad he’s in my team. Baka lang that sunny sunshine mode can rub off on me.

Cinema gaga

I’m watching movies again. Yeeey.

Big dill. For someone like me who’s been in hiatus for more than a year in terms of watching movies, this is a milestone. I used to watch 2 movies in a week several years back, until I needed to travel more often.

I managed to watch Sex and the City (how can I miss it?), Kung Fu Panda and Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian.

Planning to watch The Happening next, although it earned bad reviews.


PartEEE

Bakit kailangang pumarty para maging masaya?

Why do you have to snort coke to feel confident about yourself?

Gucci gang isdatchu?

Why can’t just people have fun? Pwede bang classic getting-drunk-as-skunk with friends and suffer a throbbing migraine the following day?

J. is a friend of mine who started popping party pills several years back when he would go to clubs. I heard from a common friend yesterday that last year, he started doing coke and will not go out clubbing without snorting the white powder up his nose.

J., whadafuck are you doing? Why are you doing this to yourself?

Common friend told me that J. now is acting really strange and sometimes gets verbally incoherent. It’s weirding his friends out.

I haven’t seen him for a while and we lost touch. I hope he realizes how stupid it is to get addicted before it’s really too late.

Weather check

The make up and break up mode is not an easy ride. When things are doing well, it’s one heck of a nirvana that you wouldn’t want to get out of. But when the demons overrule reason, it can be overwhelmingly draining.

Yesterday, I did a weather check on us by asking The Boyfriend if we’re okay. I guess he was surprised by the question because it came from nowhere.

I can never anticipate when it’s going to happen again --- feeling scared and losing hope. That’s why I take it to myself now to do a regular check on how we are doing in the relationship.

I hope someday he finds it in himself to trust us and to feel confident on how great we can become… and that although he may feel afraid at times (isn’t it even scarier out there?), may he muster the courage to just keep the faith. And believe.

Happy Friday!

Random Biatchiness

There’s something about this week that makes people rant and rage. N. lost it this morning in the office and nearly screamed at the top of her lungs, what with the workload we all have and the stress that inevitably comes with it.

Me… I’m just peeved. Some things just really caught my ire and I just have to let off some steam.

1. Prima Donnang mukhang Yaya

We have this new officemate who acts like she has her own maid/assistant in the office. I didn’t like the way she “gave orders” to someone to buy her food when in fact, she was just asking for a favor. The one she made “pakisuyo” is neither a secretary nor an assistant. Other people also don’t like the way she looks other officemates from head to toe.

This is one classic case of a feelingera.

Pardon me for saying this. Halleeer… mukha shang mayda ano.

I know. I totally sound like the Royal Biatchiness but this girl really deserves the dishing out. I have a lot against people who don’t know how to say please or those who don’t know how to give orders/ask for things politely.

And what’s with eyeing people up and down?

Girl, ever heard of the word pakisama?

2. Gas prices up in there

Circa 2007, a full tank would cost me P1,300. Now, I’m racking up to P2000! At US $150 a barrel, economic analysts are forecasting fuel to go as high as US $200 in two months, what with the oil cartel and the Israel-Iran conflict.

Inflation has never been this high. We are about to face a worldwide recession.

Gusto ko na lang maglakad. Or magkulong sa bahay. Ayoko na gumastos.

3. Shopping moratorium

Speaking of gastos, well, I have to trim the fat somewhere. With the fuel and rice crises (ever heard of the chismis that there will be a rice cartel soon? Anubayaaan.), something’s gotta give.

For that, I bid shopping and the spa adieu, albeit temporarily.

Disclaimer: Pwera all the items I’ve already ordered and committed to purchase from my favorite Multiply sellers. Plugging for Cat Limson who makes uber fab accessories and Alexandria’s wonderful belts (Sex and the City, isdatchu?).

4. Ho-hum. Bore me some more.

Don’t you get tired of hearing the same old boring de lata stories from other people (by people, I mean, no, they’re not my friends) about pursuing new partners and new loves?

And that’s all they can talk about. Over. And over. And over. Anuver.

Someone has been telling me the same friggin’ crap about finding new love, new karir (no, not pertaining to productive job). Puro temang paglalandi.

Yes, I appreciate stories like this and being a total sucker for romance that I am, I’m sincerely happy for anybody who can find true love, and keep them. Against all odds (violin playing in the background).

Pero naman, naman… hindi ba pwedeng ibang kwento naman? Not because I’m not interested, but because there are other more fascinating stories to tell, lovelier songs to sing.

Whatever happened to telling stories about yourself – who you are now, how have you been or what has changed?

Ifsongco was right, you know. You want someone to love you? Go love yourself first. Make yourself whole. Stop being desperate about finding love. And love, will eventually find you.

5. Preyshur, preyshur.

The overall pressure that everyone feels in the office is just really overwhelming. We all can feel the heat. In times like this, it’s really necessary to do some cheerleading for your one-downs and your colleagues. The greatest challenge is to handle pressure with grace.

Sometimes, I find myself wanting to just rant my head off but I have other people who rely on me to be calm and collected. If I snap, they too, will. So I bit my tongue some more. Until I bleed to death.

Good thing the Big Boss is a fantastic cheerleader herself.

Amidst all this yada-yada, there are a lot of things to be grateful for. Thank God for R.’s clean bill of health (again, I made bargains just to ensure he is physically fit), for the (temporary) peace and solace, for my almost-baby daughter who’s growing smarter each day, and for my wonderful friends who take in the heat with me.

The Universe will always give redemption. Just when we were about to scream, cry, bleed – N., Y. and I were given free movie passes to see Kung Fu Panda. Simple things like this already give me joy. Thank God for the freebies.

What it takes to let go and not worry

I spent almost half my weekend being a lazy couch potato. Apart from running errands and spending some quality time with my (almost) baby daughter, I spent my weekend glued on my TV, watching the series “What About Brian?”

Addicted --- is an understatement. I was already suffering from migraine, what with the 8-hour non-stop marathon. I still can’t peel myself off my couch!

There’s something fascinating with a “lost” man (Brian) who so passionately runs after women he can never have and shuns away equally-fascinating women who likes him. Add to that men’s Peter Pan syndrome of never wanting to grow up and move on.

Actually, I am the girl-type who gravitates more towards Brian’s best friend, Adam – the golden boy – blonde, athlete, lawyer and drop-dead G. I prefer men with foresight and ambition. Being gorgeous --- is merely considered bonus points.

So there I was --- spending my weekend lazily, sans either direction or motivation to do anything productive.

All this, was done, by choice.

My deliberate choice to be hypnotized by the conundrum of complicated, albeit fictional lives of TV series characters was my (pathetic) way of coping… and denying that I am for the most part – worrying to death.

And missing someone terribly.

He travels a lot. That is his way of work and life. Two weeks will not pass by without him flying off to Manila, Taiwan, Bangkok… and now France to meet his clients and to attend conferences. That is just how things are. That is how we met. And this is how the relationship survives.

Call and think of me as paranoid --- but wouldn’t you feel the way I do?

Every time he boards the plane… I cannot help but worry about him. It’s not about him meeting someone else (unless there’s another more fascinating woman who will sit beside him in business class and topple over that animated conversation over wine and steak circa 2006). I’m fortunate and blessed to be with someone who does not possess wandering eyes.

I do worry about his safety. Enormously. When he gets on the plane and gets off. I cannot help but wonder if the Universe will play me this card. Yet I dread its mere thought.

This morning when I awoke, I frantically logged on to Cathay Pacific to check his flight status. He was leaving Paris to come home. My heart skips a beat when I see that his flight is delayed. And I pray, pray, pray. Relentlessly. Bargaining with God on the things I can give up in exchange for his safety.

This is how I feel every time.

And last weekend, the resolution to be catatonic in front of the television for hours and hours on end is my way to survive the weekend without worrying too much.

I realized, this is the first time that I ever talked about this. He doesn’t even know that I feel this way – how this saddens me and how it occasionally brings me to tears, how lunacy can win over logic. All because I care for someone, and the thought of losing them frightens the living daylights out of me.

He will travel. Again and again.

That should explain why I have Will and Grace’s Seasons 1 to 8, Chuck’s Season 1 and how I am starting to hoard CSI New York.

Better than Prozac.

Higher Learning: On. Nerd mode.

Over the weekend, I vowed to once again plunge into writing my thesis draft. Seriously, this time. I figured, I can’t stall this forever. Neither will it get done on its own.

From Sunday until today, I have been relentless. I would stop working at 6:30pm only to do more research and thesis writing. So far, I have been a good girl. I’m on my fourteenth page.

When I feel tired or feel a momentary relapse on my writing, I rest for a while --- read something for leisure to refresh. What’s weirding my friends and colleagues out is what I read for pleasure.

Make a wild guess.

Shopaholic series? Any Candace Bushnell novel?

Nah.

‘Love the chic lit but I don’t know why I have been fancying biographies lately. Right now, I’m reading on Carl Jung – his memoirs and almost everything about the Jungian psychology movement, the marriage of spirituality and psychology and his friendship with and eventual estrangement from Sigmund Freud.

Wow, dude, lalim.

I know.

But I can’t stop reading about it. I can’t stop trying to figure out how and why the people of his time are so brilliant and so wise. The chismis in their lives are colorful, too – what with Freud’s affair with his wife’s sister, Jung’s being declared as persona non grata from the Freud’s psychoanalysis movement because of diverging theories (hindi pa uso ‘non ang agreeing to disagree).

Ang galing lang. Very inspiring.

I wish I had the same brilliance and drive for erudition.

Perhaps in their time there was no Embassy or Alchemy to distract them just yet.

Or Nintendo Wii or PSP for that matter.

Hahaha.

As for me --- it’s good that I am on this mode by choice. It’s really hard to zone in on schoolwork by compulsion.

So on to writing more pages for my first draft – which I intend to finish by August.

From all this hard work, a reward awaits.

If I finish my thesis by September… Angkor Wat, here I come!

Here, finally

I have to make this note quickly since Doji will be here any minute now.

Armed with my Kohji (yes, proud to be an owner of one), I am sitting here inside Apartment 1B, about to have breakfast.

I have been trying to go to this restaurant for a year now (yes, a year!), but nobody seems to want to go with me!

‘Heard their eggs benedict is fantabulous so I can’t wait to order.

This is one of those mundane things that I miss doing, ever since I got caught up in the ebb of complicated things.

I miss early breakfast by myself in a cozy café – lazily sitting with yet a more mundane beauty and make-up magazine or the profound philosophical writings of Paulo Coelho about the Universe.

I have also missed out on the early breakfast tête-à-têtes with Doji – he is my lone breakfast companion since he is the only person in my circle who considers breakfast at 8am some sort of social event.

Amidst the emotional turmoil inflicted on me by the Universe and Him (albeit unintentionally – or is it?), I am just happy… and comforted to be here.

I wish I can describe my feelings more aptly.

Comfortable bliss.

You are missed.

[May 17 - 8:45am]

Johari Window – theirs and mine

1. You speak of pain and trauma like I was the only one who inflicted them on you. You were a slave to another Goddess for almost a decade of your life yet you found a flicker of understanding and an iota of forgiveness for her. That, despite her manipulation and deception.

I hope you can look back and recount how many times you threatened me with pain and loss to get what you want, how you almost rammed my car out of anger and how much emotional abuse you inflicted on me by your reckless words.

Despite all these, I never even felt the slightest anger or hatred for you. Sometimes, I wonder whether you are worth forgiving, if you can’t do the same for me.

2. You want me to like you. And you want me to do that when you are openly questioning my choice of partner? I chose him because of my history with him, my love and his vindication. He chose me because he felt it was worth the risk.

He earned it. We both suffered and shed blood tears for what we are now. Your perceptions of him are rightfully yours. Opinions are free. And this is an open market.

But if I chose an older man over you – that is my sole right. You can harp on your youth and his age…

I just hope that when you look at the mirror, you can see what escapes your blind eye --- that you are looking at a 28-year old chink with a receding hairline.

See you in 12 years and let’s see if you still have hair, if you still can raise the flag and if you’ve got that zing that is naturally his.

The Soul of the World

According to Carl Gustav Jung, we all drank from the same spring of life.

“It’s called the “soul of the world.” However much we try to be independent individuals, a part of our memory is the same. We all seek the ideal of beauty, dance, divinity and music.”

What makes people different is the path they choose to seek the beautiful and the divine --- or whether they seek it at all.

Some people just dream the dream from a distance. They know they want it, but complacency and languor put them in a state of inertia.

What’s frightening is to be in that state for the rest of your life – as you see your dreams fade away.

Hey Lady, stop living the life of others and start yours. Love and dreams are never delivered to your doorstep. Neither will you reach them spending your days in bed.