Spankin’ life

I’ve heard this a gazillion times already --- “to travel is better than to arrive.”

My competitiveness, passion, ambition and zest for life almost always leave me craving for so much more.  I have to constantly remind myself that there are so many reasons why I should be grateful.

Rightly or wrongly, I’m always restless, wanting to hop on to the next bus or train that will lead me to my next pitstop. I always look forward to what is beyond my current spot, forgetting that where I am now is something that I should be reveling in and celebrating.

What is so bad about how I live my life right now?   If I start counting my blessings, I would sound like a childish brat for ranting too much.

One – I am living a spoiled expat life in Jakarta, with two maids, a driver and car. I live in a 2-bedroom apartment, which for someone living alone, is more than enough.  

Two – I did get what I wanted. I declared…nay, demanded to the Universe that I wanted an expat post in another telco. Yes, I work extremely long hours, I work on Sunday mornings by default, my promotion has been delayed for several months already and I have been a casualty of X number of reorgs that actually contributed to the stifling of my career path. But I have a great team – all new and young bloods – that I truly care for, I get along with my boss and the regional opportunities for me are in full bloom. 

I just really need to suck it up --- for all the things that suck. Looking at the bigger picture, though, it is not a catastrophe. 

Three - I have a supportive, loving, caring, funny and very earnest boyfriend. It has not been all roses for us.  No, we are not a normal couple – our highs and lows – are unwillingly extreme. At the same time, we have come a long way and we have a solid history and friendship that we always fall back on during tough times. The Boss is not perfect, but he is trying. I’m not perfect, but to him, I am. 

Four – Despite my sometimes seemingly gargantuan financial responsibilities back home, I am blessed with a strong capability to earn my keep. I’ve got multiple investment funds and although the dollar has been significantly devalued, I get by. I can still afford my little luxuries, I have an enviable collection of bags and watches, I can afford my Sunday brunches and fancy dinners with my ladies without scooping out coins and bills under my couch or in my bags. 

Five – The most infallible testimony to what great life I have --- is a collection that I will not trade for anything. My friends.  True, loyal and great friends that I acquired and kept through all these years. Jakarta, in the most aggrandizing moments, is survivable because of my girlfriends from here. When I come back to Manila, I come home to the comforts of my inner circle, my besties, my college friends, my Globe family, my adopted daughter and my own family. One of the greatest successes that I’m very proud of is keeping the right friends, choosing the good apples and staying with them. 

With these top 5, I really have no right to complain. If I rant any further, I feel that the Universe will strike me with lightning. Any moment now. 

Life is not perfect. But it’s always good. 

The only way to unblock a writer's block...is to start writing.

Truth be told, I have nothing specific in mind to write about. I've been meaning to blog for several days now, but it seems like I'm stuck in the middle of oblivion. I'm in blog abyss --- too many thoughts in my head, yet I'm grappling with words.

Literally, I'm at a loss for words! I've somehow lost my element. 

Evil thought inside my head: this is what both Indonesia and Facebook combined can do to me. 

I need to jump-start and I'm taking my cue from Regina Brett. Just start writing. Pound the dang keyboard.

Crossing fingers that I get ze groove back. 

It's me unbecoming me --- to not write about anything, to lose my words, my grammar, to be incapable of expressing my thoughts. 

THIS CANNOT BE!!! 

I need to be yanked out of this. 

HEEEEEELP!!!

Crossing over: no, not dying. Getting married!

I’m in my early 30s and I’m not married.

Although I have been with someone for years now, I’m still single. Not that I don’t want to go that road. I eventually will, but at the right time and at the right point in my life.

Crossing over to married life is not an easy decision. Ryan is right in saying that marriage isn’t for everyone.

I was never conventional. Marriage is not a prerequisite to happiness and bliss. Definitely not a precondition to be with someone.

At the same time, if and when I decide to take the leap and cross over, I’d like to do it right.

Idealist, much? Perhaps I am. That’s why I haven’t gone the path.

If and when I do, I’d like to be sure it’s only that one person that I would like to be with for the rest of my life. I don’t want to ever think of anyone else. I don’t want to think of annulment, of divorce and of division of conjugal property.

I don’t ever want to think of having an affair. Ever. That is just so sad.

No one is ever ready to take that plunge. If I do, I’d like to at least know that I’m doing it for the right reasons --- I’m not rushing, I’m not pressured, I’m not panicking about my biological clock, I’m not pregnant, I’m not doing it for the money, and I’m certainly not doing it to follow conventions.

As idealistic as it may sound, I want to get married because I want to be with one and only one person for the rest of my life…and that person will be my witness as I go through my journey.

I’ll do it once in this lifetime. Or I won’t do it at all.

And I hope --- I really hope I don’t do a renunciation. It may be non-pragmatic, but that’s how I see it.

There is virtue in patience and in respecting the institution.

270...

...is roughly the number of days before a new leaf will turn.

There is a combination of uncertainty, anxiety and anticipation.

I know where I want to be. It's just a matter of time.

Universe, do your magic for me. You know I deserve it.

Quo vadis, April Spring?

Barely a few hours that I posted my last blog entry, the news hit me... I am being moved back to Marketing.

After being reorg'd not once, not twice, but FOUR times within 6 months, I'm back to managing the product that I built.

True--- mabilis ang response time ni Universe. And careful what you wish for.

I asked to be led. So here I am.

Sometimes, things happen but we really don't know whether it's good or bad --- in the bigger scheme of things. At times, we mourn when we need to celebrate.

I have my reservations in going back but generally, my vibes are good. In the long run and in my greater path, I know I am where I should be --- right here, right now. In the next 10 months, at least.

I am slowly finding that of which is elusive to some: my sense of purpose.

And that...is the most important thing.

Lead me, Lord

My heart tells me to just surrender.

I know I have never said this openly.

But do lead me. I will go wherever you want me to.

You know all of my heart's desire. And I know that you may not give me all that I want, but you will give me everything that I need.

You gave me free will. You gave me my choice.

But this time, Lord, lead me.

I know I am in good hands.

Ever grateful

God, thank you.

It's a beautiful day.

Break the glass

"Break the glass, please, and free us from all these damned rules, from needing to find an explanation for everything, from doing only what others approve of..."

"I wanted to say that it’s a rite of passage, as he’s often said. That it’s forbidden. That glasses do not break on purpose. That when we walk into restaurants or into our homes, we are always careful to move the glasses that are on the edge of the table. Our world requires us to make sure that the glasses do not fall on the floor.

"Break the glass, I thought to myself, because it is a symbolic gesture. Try to understand that within myself, things were breaking of much more importance than a glass, and I’m happy for that. Look to your own inner struggles and break this glass..."

"Our parents taught us to be careful with glasses and with our bodies. They taught us that the passions of childhood are impossible; we should not remove men from the priesthood, that people do not perform miracles and that no one goes on a journey without knowing where he wants to go..."

"Break this cup, please, I thought to myself, and release of all these damn misconceptions, the habit you have of only doing that which everyone agrees with..."

Paulo Coelho thought and wrote about it perfectly.

The devil or the deep blue sea

I knew it.

When the Universe is up to something, I can sense that there is something happening on the background. I can feel the wheels of change turning and the very subtle, implicit signs of her machinations.

That restlessness, that agitation ---- really meant something. A foreboding, a premonition of things to come. True enough, change is once again on its way. It dealt me a new set of cards --- not exactly to my liking and in my favor.

I am faced with the choice: the devil or the deep blue sea.

I chose the deep blue sea. Or the Universe chose the deep blue sea for me. She might have realized that I'd rather swim relentlessly than sell my soul. I can't take the latter back.

It's not the best deal that I got, but at the moment, it is the temporal placeholder that I have to contend with. It's another test, whether I can bloom where I planted and if I can grow enough patience to withstand what I have to deal with. Resilience is something natural to me, but patience - it is a struggle to learn and practice.

An epiphany this morning also made me realize that it's not just patience that she wanted me to imbibe. The Universe wants me to learn how to trust --- which I stopped doing God knows when. It's not something that I naturally dispense even as a child. Now both time and tide are asking me to let go and just trust. I realized that if patience is elusive because it's not an inherent virtue in me, trust is something that I naturally refuse to give.

It's time - to learn and unlearn things.

I hope I'm right in doing this.

Post-Sri Lanka Thoughts

Colombo has treated me oh-so nicely, what with the executive floor stay at the Cinnamon Grand Colombo and the warm welcome of my counterparts in Dialog.

The Dialog guys were very generous and friendly. Hospitality is really a Southeast Asian thing. I have not been to a Southeast Asian country where the people were not as warm and sunny as the tropical weather. I love it!

Colombo still has the "old city feel," where ravens fly about any time of the day while ducks and pelicans float about on the lake.

Sri Lankans are predominantly Theravada Buddhists. I was extremely fascinated with the Buddhist temples and the monks clad in orange garb walking on the streets.

I looooooved it. A different place, a different feel. It was a welcome breather, despite that I was there to work and conduct several presentations.

Too bad I didn't have enough time to go around, much less shop for gemstones as the country is well-known for it.

The trip satisfied my wanderlust --- which never fades away in the first place. But instead of pacifying my restlessness, it just fueled it all the more. It reminded me of what I hope for, what I should do and where I'm supposed to be.

There is a reason and season for everything.

Colombo, thank you for the enlightenment.

Where go the boats?

Yet again another crossroads.

I find myself in another junction. Although different, I feel like it's deja vu.

Life. I'm here again. I can feel the restlessness enveloping me, as I ask myself the all-too familiar "quo vadis" question.

So where to now, brown cow?

I do welcome this restless feeling, though. It's quite disturbing, but it's always the advent of good changes for me. It is a sign of better things to come.

Tomorrow, as I head out to Sri Lanka for a series of meetings, I'm hoping I can have a window of opportunity to think things through.

So where to now, April?

What next?

Manila, Manila!

If you are one of the faithful, you normally don't believe in coincidences. God has a reason and season for everything.

In this Manila trip --- Gemma wasn't really supposed to be back, but since fate (and work) takes her to the land of the chocolate boys, we are finally seeing each other in La Manila!

Happiness!!!

There's a lot to be thankful for --- opportunities, TNC birthday celebrations, Ninay's baptism, R.'s birthday, to name a few. Sometimes, I just marvel at God's generosity and kindness.

This trip is a much-awaited breather for me. I've been going through some things at work - transitions, more responsibilities, and more transitions. In moments like this, I want to be comforted with the familiar and the trusted.

And that's none other than the Manila Circle.

True - life can be better in other places and countries. But Manila - bumagyo man, tumaas ang gasolina, o uminit ng todo-to-the-max, you will eternally have that special place, because you have my roots.

'Looking forward to coming home in a couple of hours. =)

Silence

Sometimes, I resort to silence when I have nothing good to say. Most of the time, I have to bite my tongue since when I lash out, it can be a very sharp double-edged sword that can slice and bleed someone to death.

Soooo... since I'm trying to rake in good karma points, I'd rather be silent.

Why I'm silent with you, friend?

Because I question your integrity --- or the lack of it.

You don't need to lie about things to get what you want. Or if you want to fool around and cheat, make sure you do it flawlessly.

Or just tell the damn truth that you want to fool around, for crying out loud! We are all grown-ups but you behave like you're still in high school.

My utmost disappointment is you seem to have not changed, throughout all these years. Bummer. For you. Not for me.

You say one thing...then do another.

My silence actually pushed you to do certain things ---- which actually just proved my point.

Nagpaulan ng integridad sa mundo, tulog ka.

Resume silence. Anything following this is already really unpalatable for you.

And it's so not worth it for me.

One night...

...to pack the stuff that I need to bring to Manila.

Haven't organized and I have to go straight from the office to the airport!

Panic mode!!!

Yet another bahala na si Batman mode.

At the same time, I feel happy that I will go home - even just for a little while.

I need to breathe and learn how to swim faster, with the tide of changes, and not against it.

I just really want to see familiar and trustworthy faces right now.

You...

...make things a hell lot easier.

...make me get out of bed and face my gargantuan workload, knowing that this day is another day that just leads me to you.

...help me make sense of the otherwise insensible.

...make me realize there is no reason to fuss over the trite and trivial.

...make me feel I belong, which is so important for me to be brilliant in the things that I do.

I'm just really glad that you're there.

I won't have it any other way.

On ignore mode

Sometimes, people's antics amaze me.

It's trite and trivial, really. Ryan was right. Funny how some friends (?) wash their dirty linens in public - aka most recently as the social network. Or how it's used for aggrandizement or blatant lying.

It's hilarous. Never fails to humor me.

At the same time that it's funny, it can be annoying when it's used to throw tantrums or to lash back at someone.

There is one effective, best-bet formula, though: IGNORE.

When someone craves for attention and does stupid things to get it, the best way to beleaguer is to IGNORE.

I abide by King Charles II of the infamous Libertine and I need to borrow his lines:

"I thought about putting you in the tower. I even considered putting your head on a spike. But I decided on something worse. I'm going to ignore you. I will no longer encourage any hope in my breast for you. I am condemning you to be you for the rest of your life."

Panalo 'tong linya na 'to. Tumbling. Bravo, King Charles.

Then again, the question is, do you get it?

Pity the shallow fool.

Lock and key

Happy A., R.

Thank you for the wonderful years.

Of patience, more patience and God being fair

Yet again, I have to remind myself:

God has a way of balancing things out.

I just need to be patient and wait for the period of reckoning.

Haaaaay. Patience na naman. Why does it always have to involve patience when I have zilch of it?

I'm almost done reading "Brida," one of Paulo Coelho's bestsellers. As it says there, to understand how the Universe works, patience is a virtue that one has to muster and master. That is why God has an endearment to shepherds - they are patient, they commune with nature and they are comfortable with silence.

It's not coincidence that everything now in my life is boiling down to learning this virtue.

So help me God talaga.

Sis

In a place where there is strong religious (stress on the religious, but not spiritual) divide and I am considered an outsider, because I'm an "asing," I am touched and overwhelmed when local colleagues make me feel I belong.

It's been several times already that four people have referred to me as "Sis" or "sistah" in email and BB correspondences.

While I feel it's bakya when a Filo calls me one, I'm flattered and moved when I'm fondly called this way by people here.

To me, friendships and relationships matter more than any other kind of achievement and success. Reaching my KPIs is useless if I don't feel personally connected to people.

Salamat, salamat - for letting me in on the circle.

*warm, fuzzy feeling inside* =)

Pre-Phuket Thailand: when double-time is an understatement

A day before my Thailand trip and I have not even packed a single bikini. Or a toothbrush, even. This is quite unbecoming of me since I always, always pack early. I have a habit of fitting the clothes before I pack them to make sure everything is suitably paired. Thus, ample time is a necessity.

With the workload and my current targets, though --- good luck to that!

I'm nowhere near vacay mode and I'm still trying to close out a lot of items before I leave the office.

There is quite a grain of truth in one of the leadership and management tips that I read: vacationing is actually a must, not just for detoxification or de-stressing purposes. Vacays actually compel you to finish a significant amount of workload because you feel that you need to close milestones before you leave your office door and lock it --- for a couple of days, at least.

This morning, I got my team's revised strategy approved and I've delivered a set of UX guidelines. Not bad in a week's time!

Must leave the office early tonight - I gotta pack and get myself on vacay mode. Katathani Beach Resort beckons! That's my cue for the straw hat and pinacolada!