Come to think of it...

This is the first Christmas after 5 years that we are not celebrating together. 

I'm back in Manila whilst you are gallivanting with your friends in Vegas for the holidays. 

Despite everything that happened between us, I do believe we had a good run. I do wish you well and I am fervently praying that you are truly happy this holiday season.

Merry Christmas, Big. 

It's time for us to finally move on. 



 

Merry Christmas!

After gift-giving, slept in between my 2 loves who planked me so tightly there was not enough space for me! Woke up this morning with my Mom's cooking wafting through the air, my Dad's commanding voice, my Yaya bustling in the kitchen to help and messages from my one and only sissy. Aaah. Family. The best gift that God has given me. Thank you. I am ever blessed. Happy birthday, JC!

Last minute Christmas panic shopping

The ultimate that I have done so far. 24th and I'm still in the mall literally panic buying!

Oh well. What's Christmas in Manila without the rush?

Still so glad I'm back!!! :-)

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Monday stressaka

It's only a Monday...feeling Thursday. 

My platform went down, just at the time that we are launching several campaigns. 

Tigas kasi ng ulo.

Tsk. 

Bring it on! 

12-12-12

The repetitive date that will never happen again. 

Hmmm...

What to do to make it unforgettable... 

Mad, passionate, extraordinary love

Yes, I'm still a fan. 

No matter how many times I got my heart broken, I still live by and live for the same mantra. 

In Carrie Bradshaw's words: 

"Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love." 

Otherwise, what's the point?  

Kindle Paperwhite

Oh yeah.

Come to Momma for Christmas. 

Generosity

Truth be told, there is virtue in generosity. 

I barely flexed my muscles to do a simple act of generosity towards an aunt and here goes the Universe, blessing me with a hundred fold.

Life is truly amazing. 

Bless others --- so that blessings will continue pouring in.

Thank you, God. I'm eternally grateful.  

Life's blessings in disguise

October 27. 

Today, if things went according to plan, it would have been our wedding day. 

Big and I. 

Since the Universe seems to have a different agenda, here I am, fresh from scouring the streets of Binondo with friends while stuffing ourselves silly with Chinese food.

While Big --- is in Hong Kong with his brand new spankin' car, Oscar. I will miss Bud. We had happy days. Oscar, I will never get to know. 

New lives. Same people. 

A lot of my friends ask me why I'm not mad at him. Why I'm not enraged with what he did to me. 

I just can't get myself to.

I was never hard-wired to harbor anger in my heart for a long period of time. I feel it's a poison that will run through my veins that's likely to transform me into a person that I wouldn't want to face in the mirror. 

I have not obtained absolute happiness, but despite the twists and turns to the story of our lives, I can say that I am happy. I have joy in my life.

To Big: may you find happiness in your life that I was never able to give. May you find that sense of security and assurance that a person like me cannot provide. 

And to Me: Girl, hats off to you for braving it through. For gritting your teeth and marching forward despite the crushing pain in your heart. For not being cynical. For still believing. For keeping the faith and gratitude that life requires for survival. For giving love another chance. For believing that life is beautiful --- it only depends on how you look at it. 

And this day will be etched in my memory --- not because of the pain that it brought me, but because of its significance. 

There is always hope for the flowers. 

And I never believe otherwise.

The beauty of job satisfaction...

...is that I don't hate Mondays. 

In fact, I'm looking forward to it. 

Ever since I got back, I don't have the jitters that I feel on a Sunday evening anymore, because I dread going to work the following day. 

I like Mondays now. For a change. 

Work is still very stressful. The Big Boss definitely knows his thing, so you can't BS your way around. But it also gives me a lot of challenge and room to grow.

Definitely no regrets coming back home. 

October 17

A year has gone by. 

Happy birthday to me. 

A lot has changed significantly and I'm not the same person as I was last year. 

Cheers to new beginnings!

And cheers to me. For winging it. For surviving. For being a better version of myself. 

It will only get better.  

Very true, very me

In moments of weakness and the comfort of reassurance

Quiet time after a week of chaos. 

La familia just left barely half an hour ago. I cherish Sundays because it's time spent with the family. I won't trade it for anything. 

And no matter how wasted I am from a Saturday night party, I will NEVER EVER skip church service and worship. It's 3 and a half hours, not normal for a Catholic service, but it bonded my family ever since I got back to Manila. I can't believe that my Dad will even religiously go - pardon the pun. 

Skye also just left for the airport. After hearing how miserable I was last Monday, he just decided to fly in for the weekend, although we agreed to spend my birthday late. 

Admittedly, we spent the entire Saturday sleeping in and recovering from exhaustion --- flights to and fro, partying, long days and nights in the office --- they took their toll on us both. We needed to peel ourselves out of bed since we had to pick J. up at the airport and go out for dinner-drinks.

I do feel guilty that I couldn't even get to pick him up at the airport. I arrived in my apartment 30 minutes before his plane landed - after celebrating a girlfriend's birthday and hanging out with the new gay circle. 

The weekend flew by --- just like that. I didn't even realize how Sunday just came and went. I guess that's really how it is when you feel happy and you're having so much fun. 

I went through a bout of depression just a few days ago. October is an emotionally loaded month for me. I honestly don't know how I will go through it --- because I look forward to it and I dread it at the same time. 

This weekend, I was comforted by my family's love and how Skye moved heaven and earth just to be here and reassure me.  

The emptiness and misery that I felt was replaced by so much love, care and concern from the people who matter and who made me matter in their lives. 

Life is too short to be spent miserably. Whilst October, for sure, will give me one hell of an emotional roller coaster ride (as it normally does --- and it never fails!!!), I will cherish every moment of it.  

That's how life is. It takes misery to appreciate simple joys and the gift of love. 

To my family - my Mom, Dad, Abby and ate Cita --- thank you for giving me the sense of purpose that I need. Thank you for your unconditional love that I sometimes take for granted. 

To Skye: thank you for your friendship. Thank you for taking the risk. Thank you for falling in love with me despite the awareness that it won't be easy. 

Notwithstanding the momentary plunge into a dark place, I know things will get better from here. 

I just need to remind myself in moments of weakness. 

It's been one hell of a great week, after all.

 

 

3 in a row

3rd straight day that I've been going home really late. 

I need to finish 8 3D role profiles tonight. 

It's 8:43pm. I'm giving myself until 10pm to head out and at least keep my sanity.

Come to think of it, this is probably what I need. 

The week actually got better.

I can't wait for the weekend! 

Pwedeng aminin?

I'm not okay tonight. 

It took me more than half an hour to bring myself to the gym. I was biting my lip until I think I tasted blood. I was tearing up but took a deep breath. 

I ran. I ran and ran and ran --- like I can run away from whatever is gnawing at me tonight. 

After showering, I sprawled on my bed wrapped in my towels. I didn't feel like moving. I didn't feel like doing anything tonight. 

And I'm too proud, too hurt to talk about it. 

Gusto ko lang aminin. Just for tonight. 

I'm not okay. 

And I know, like whenever I say it, this too shall pass. 

But just for tonight, if only for a moment, I want to acknowledge how broken I am. 

Sleep, or the lack thereof

Being sleepless on the 1st of October is probably a premonition of things to come this entire month. 

September-October is budget season for us --- 'been crunching opex-capex numbers ever since I got to the office today. No time to buy my own lunch and snacks, probably to the chagrin of my admin assistant who kept running to and fro. 'Really sorry about that.

Stressed --- super stressed. Although I had enough sleep from last night, I feel so exhausted today. 

Let me attempt to go to the gym and clear my head. There are way too many thoughts on my mind --- trains of thought simultaneously running amuck.  

1st of October

Sleepless and on caffeine overdrive. 

Seriously. Not even a wink for a split second. 

I'm really wondering what's in the new coffee that I bought. It kept me up all night!

So instead of tossing in turning, I decided to get up and start my day ---- at 3 friggin' am. 

All is not lost, though. I managed to find a lot of things I need for another short course that I'm considering to take this month. 

16 more days and I'm a year older. 

So much has changed in a short span of time.

October, I'm looking forward to you! :) 
 

(Ab)normal life

I'm getting off the boat of my comfort zone --- with my 2 feet. 

Yep, I'm plunging right into the violent waters. Because the safe zone is actually the most dangerous place to be in.  

My life coach is right in saying that if you have extraordinary goals, then you gotta do extraordinary things. You can't stay right where you are and reap supernatural benefits.

Abnormal goals entail an abnormal life. 

I'm bracing myself. 

Happiness is in growing

I have not been blogging. It's not for the lack of something to say, but just really a lack of time! 

I got very consumed with my personal project, which is finally up and running! Yeeeey!!!

For the entire month of September, all I did was go around the metro to buy my supplies, talk to my importers from China (in broken English, surprisingly) and Indonesia, guide my graphic artist on the branding, oversee the printing of my product tags, merchandising materials and paper bags while squeezing meetings with my resellers and bazaaristas over coffee and dinner. 

Arduous, tiring tasks but everything didn't feel like work at all. 

I lost weight effortlessly in the process by virtue of sweeping through the malls and bazaars for market check. Again, part of work but I go through the mall like a rat, anyway. 

I'm inclined to believe The Happiness Project's Gretchen Rubin when she said in her book that part of being happy is not just about the achievement itself, but the growth that you get from undertaking something, thereby achieving your goals.

I don't get enough sleep, I do double time by doing my product shoots and inventory listing after helping Abby get her homework done --- but I'm happy. Giddy happy. :) 

Nanay

Tonight, while doing my product shoot and semi-watching Big Fish, I remembered you.

In the journey that I'm taking, I take comfort that I know that you're watching over me up there. 

I miss you, Nanay. 

I wish you're here so I can take you places. I wish you're here so I can hear your stories over and over again. 

And I so wish you're here to celebrate milestones with me. 

I hope I'm making you proud.