October 17

A year has gone by. 

Happy birthday to me. 

A lot has changed significantly and I'm not the same person as I was last year. 

Cheers to new beginnings!

And cheers to me. For winging it. For surviving. For being a better version of myself. 

It will only get better.  

Very true, very me

In moments of weakness and the comfort of reassurance

Quiet time after a week of chaos. 

La familia just left barely half an hour ago. I cherish Sundays because it's time spent with the family. I won't trade it for anything. 

And no matter how wasted I am from a Saturday night party, I will NEVER EVER skip church service and worship. It's 3 and a half hours, not normal for a Catholic service, but it bonded my family ever since I got back to Manila. I can't believe that my Dad will even religiously go - pardon the pun. 

Skye also just left for the airport. After hearing how miserable I was last Monday, he just decided to fly in for the weekend, although we agreed to spend my birthday late. 

Admittedly, we spent the entire Saturday sleeping in and recovering from exhaustion --- flights to and fro, partying, long days and nights in the office --- they took their toll on us both. We needed to peel ourselves out of bed since we had to pick J. up at the airport and go out for dinner-drinks.

I do feel guilty that I couldn't even get to pick him up at the airport. I arrived in my apartment 30 minutes before his plane landed - after celebrating a girlfriend's birthday and hanging out with the new gay circle. 

The weekend flew by --- just like that. I didn't even realize how Sunday just came and went. I guess that's really how it is when you feel happy and you're having so much fun. 

I went through a bout of depression just a few days ago. October is an emotionally loaded month for me. I honestly don't know how I will go through it --- because I look forward to it and I dread it at the same time. 

This weekend, I was comforted by my family's love and how Skye moved heaven and earth just to be here and reassure me.  

The emptiness and misery that I felt was replaced by so much love, care and concern from the people who matter and who made me matter in their lives. 

Life is too short to be spent miserably. Whilst October, for sure, will give me one hell of an emotional roller coaster ride (as it normally does --- and it never fails!!!), I will cherish every moment of it.  

That's how life is. It takes misery to appreciate simple joys and the gift of love. 

To my family - my Mom, Dad, Abby and ate Cita --- thank you for giving me the sense of purpose that I need. Thank you for your unconditional love that I sometimes take for granted. 

To Skye: thank you for your friendship. Thank you for taking the risk. Thank you for falling in love with me despite the awareness that it won't be easy. 

Notwithstanding the momentary plunge into a dark place, I know things will get better from here. 

I just need to remind myself in moments of weakness. 

It's been one hell of a great week, after all.

 

 

3 in a row

3rd straight day that I've been going home really late. 

I need to finish 8 3D role profiles tonight. 

It's 8:43pm. I'm giving myself until 10pm to head out and at least keep my sanity.

Come to think of it, this is probably what I need. 

The week actually got better.

I can't wait for the weekend! 

Pwedeng aminin?

I'm not okay tonight. 

It took me more than half an hour to bring myself to the gym. I was biting my lip until I think I tasted blood. I was tearing up but took a deep breath. 

I ran. I ran and ran and ran --- like I can run away from whatever is gnawing at me tonight. 

After showering, I sprawled on my bed wrapped in my towels. I didn't feel like moving. I didn't feel like doing anything tonight. 

And I'm too proud, too hurt to talk about it. 

Gusto ko lang aminin. Just for tonight. 

I'm not okay. 

And I know, like whenever I say it, this too shall pass. 

But just for tonight, if only for a moment, I want to acknowledge how broken I am. 

Sleep, or the lack thereof

Being sleepless on the 1st of October is probably a premonition of things to come this entire month. 

September-October is budget season for us --- 'been crunching opex-capex numbers ever since I got to the office today. No time to buy my own lunch and snacks, probably to the chagrin of my admin assistant who kept running to and fro. 'Really sorry about that.

Stressed --- super stressed. Although I had enough sleep from last night, I feel so exhausted today. 

Let me attempt to go to the gym and clear my head. There are way too many thoughts on my mind --- trains of thought simultaneously running amuck.  

1st of October

Sleepless and on caffeine overdrive. 

Seriously. Not even a wink for a split second. 

I'm really wondering what's in the new coffee that I bought. It kept me up all night!

So instead of tossing in turning, I decided to get up and start my day ---- at 3 friggin' am. 

All is not lost, though. I managed to find a lot of things I need for another short course that I'm considering to take this month. 

16 more days and I'm a year older. 

So much has changed in a short span of time.

October, I'm looking forward to you! :) 
 

(Ab)normal life

I'm getting off the boat of my comfort zone --- with my 2 feet. 

Yep, I'm plunging right into the violent waters. Because the safe zone is actually the most dangerous place to be in.  

My life coach is right in saying that if you have extraordinary goals, then you gotta do extraordinary things. You can't stay right where you are and reap supernatural benefits.

Abnormal goals entail an abnormal life. 

I'm bracing myself. 

Happiness is in growing

I have not been blogging. It's not for the lack of something to say, but just really a lack of time! 

I got very consumed with my personal project, which is finally up and running! Yeeeey!!!

For the entire month of September, all I did was go around the metro to buy my supplies, talk to my importers from China (in broken English, surprisingly) and Indonesia, guide my graphic artist on the branding, oversee the printing of my product tags, merchandising materials and paper bags while squeezing meetings with my resellers and bazaaristas over coffee and dinner. 

Arduous, tiring tasks but everything didn't feel like work at all. 

I lost weight effortlessly in the process by virtue of sweeping through the malls and bazaars for market check. Again, part of work but I go through the mall like a rat, anyway. 

I'm inclined to believe The Happiness Project's Gretchen Rubin when she said in her book that part of being happy is not just about the achievement itself, but the growth that you get from undertaking something, thereby achieving your goals.

I don't get enough sleep, I do double time by doing my product shoots and inventory listing after helping Abby get her homework done --- but I'm happy. Giddy happy. :) 

Nanay

Tonight, while doing my product shoot and semi-watching Big Fish, I remembered you.

In the journey that I'm taking, I take comfort that I know that you're watching over me up there. 

I miss you, Nanay. 

I wish you're here so I can take you places. I wish you're here so I can hear your stories over and over again. 

And I so wish you're here to celebrate milestones with me. 

I hope I'm making you proud. 

Heeeeectic!

...and happy. 

Currently exploring a hobby-business and it's taking off!

I'm going insane with my schedule but who cares? 

I'm reaping the benefits. 

Happy, happy, joy, joy! 

The hunt for a new school is officially ON!!!

Abby is first in class! 

I just found out from my Mom this morning. 

This afternoon, I spent some time searching for a better school for her, comparing traditional Catholic all-girls exclusive schools versus Montessori schools. 

The Montessori school system seems more appropriate for Abby but the tuition fee is more than double that of a Catholic school. 

I've been racking my brains for hours already on how I can afford it. If I move her to a better school, her tuition fee will increase 3 times as much! Apart from that, I need a school bus to take her to school and bring her back home when she just walks to school right now. 

Although we do group parenting for Abby - with me, my Mom and her Lola taking care of her, I'm the single parent right now looking after her financially. We don't share the same last name yet so I can't get her an educational loan from my company. 

I mean well --- I want her to get a good education --- even better than what I had. I will call more schools in the coming days and prepare her for the admission exams starting November. 

I'm very certain that she will pass the exams with flying colors --- kayanin sana ng powers ko ang tuition fee. 

So help me God.     

There's a fine, fine line

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

Purpose

For everything that is happening in my life right now, there must be a purpose. 

1. My engagement with Big was broken.
2. I turned down a contract renewal in Indonesia --- regardless of its 100% salary increase. Yep, you got that right.  
3. I came back to the Philippines.
4. I came back to my previous company --- with a better package and a better post, of course. 
5. I had a recent falling out with Big.
6.  I had another falling out with a friend --- In hindsight I'm actually thinking whether she was really my friend to begin with.
7. My priorities are shifting. There is meaning beyond the long hours at work. 
8. Friends and significant people from all over the world are returning to Manila!

I am definitely pruning my friendship list. Some are intentional, some are circumstantial.  

I'm re-examining my values and what's important to me. I'm beginning to question whether what I'm doing in my life is actually contributing to the betterment of humanity, so to speak.

With every heart ache that I feel, another blessing comes. Is it just me or is this really happening? Or perhaps I learned how to count my blessings for every tear that falls.


God knows I want to do more, fulfill more, achieve more.

And at the end of everything, I want to have more joy in my life.

Purpose.

I sure damn hope that I'm fulfilling mine.

Staycation

Life in Manila --- yep, still adjusting to it. 

Welcome back to your life, April. 

The last 2 days of the long weekend was spent running around like a headless chicken. Errands here and there, meeting friends and being with family --- it never ends.

Yesterday, I had to be at the airport, attend my 3-hour worship with the family, buy Abby's materials for her homework, visit my best friend in Makati Med and make a dent in my reading materials.

CRAAAAAAAZYYYY.

I wanted some quiet ME time today, you know, finish reading Catching Fire in bed while sipping hot chocolate with marshmallows. I need my ME time to keep my sanity. 

BUT I decided that I'd rather go happily crazy spending the day with the family. The whole morning was spent cutting and pasting Abby's homework, stringing new kiddie bracelets for her and teaching her how to play Jenga (oooh, she has a knack for it).

The afternoon was spent at the Shangri-La Hotel for high tea to meet J and catch up again before he goes to the airport. I headed to the car wash after then rushed back to my apartment for the family dinner.  

Whew! 

It doesn't end there --- I have to help them pack up, drive them back then have my time in front of my lappy to do some pre-work for tomorrow. 

To think that I was supposed to meet suppliers today and re-stock on my inventory. 

More than 2 months back in here, but I gotta admit that I'm still getting the hang of things. 

I'm back in my life. Front and center. 

No matter how tiring it gets, I won't trade it in for anything else.   

Of endings and beginnings

Your time has ended because you chose to end it. 

I asked you.

Several times. 

How many doors and windows do I need to open for you?

How many thousands of tears should I shed for you? 

Life does not seem to end the way you want it to?

You chose your ending. Our ending. 

Remember when I asked you what you wanted to do with us? That was my last play to at least know if anything is worth saving. 

I cannot save you. 

Not anymore. 

You never wanted me to. 

Big

I do think of you every now and then. 

I will always be fond of you --- in ways that I may not express and just keep to myself. 

The love I have for you will always be there. 

I'm saving it for another lifetime.

Of passion and service to humanity

I love what I'm doing. Unlike others who just work to work, I'm in the industry that I like. I love my domain of expertise. I love portals and user experience design. 

I spend loooong hours in the office figuring out the next strategy or the next innovation to adapt to my platform. 

It's one of the things that I love to do --- I just hope that while doing it, I'm doing some sort of service to mankind in my own little way. 

We're on a roll!

Oh yeah, we definitely are!

I've been in and out of meetings for the past 2 days. My usual lunch rendezvous with the girls were replaced by lunch meetings. The thing is, my system doesn't register it as lunch if it's in a meeting so I still feel hungry all the time! 

All is not lost, though.

2 approvals cutting across all the hierarchies. All in a day.

AYLAVET!!! 

I feel so accomplished this week. 

Thank you, Universe, for being so cooperative! 

A few more hours and I am hosting a dinner party for my girls tonight - whatta perfect way to end the frenzied week. 

I love my life. :) 

A relationship lesson

After a lot of heartaches and several unsuccessful relationships, I realized something today. 

Moral lesson of the story: 

Never again will I be in a relationship that does not put me in one of the top priorities. 

I undervalued myself. It hit me and oh, did it hit me hard. 

Why do power women tend to value themselves less? Yep - guilty as charged. 

I will never be second fiddle to anyone's career. After all, everyone builds their careers from ground up. But for what? Shouldn't personal relationships be the reason for that? 

I will never be in a relationship where I will not be introduced to parents and friends. 

I am a good person --- in heart and in mind. I deserve the star status in someone's life.

In fairness to me - in my own insy tinsy way - I made the world a better place. 

I will never allow anyone to make me feel otherwise.   

I will never be with someone who is not proud of me. 

Today, I just had one of the best epiphanies in my life. 

I am someone worth something. 

Never again will I underestimate myself and my worth in a personal relationship. 

I would rather be by myself than feel undervalued again. EVER. 

Universe, is this what all of this is about? 

It was a lesson learned very well.

Now, can you give me and my girlfriends that someone we all truly deserve?