I couldn't get myself to write anything here for a month now.
I've been incoherent and inconsistent for the entire month of December. It must be the Christmas rush and the nostalgia (or is it the trauma?) of December last year.
A few of my random thoughts:
- December 9-13, 2004 - the longest 5 days of my life. The process of breaking up with Ariel was very painful. A year has passed. I still revisit the pain. I don't think I will ever heal completely. From being hurt. And from knowing that I devastated someone who truly loved me.
- One year - after I purchased my first car from my own savings and got myself flat broke in doing so. I just had to do it. To redeem myself, my pride. Some women cut their hair or go on a shopping spree after a breakup. I bought myself a car.
- I'm glad I have finally recovered from the financial crisis that my car purchase caused me. And I'm glad I can again buy gifts for my family, loved-ones and friends.
- Romantic relationships and their maintenance come easy for some people. Not for me. It always means double effort (compared to others) and a plethora of difficulties. Am I really that complicated?
- Family. We really can't choose them. Despite the pain, the responsibilities that were passed on to me, I care for them deeply.
- Emotional maturity and self-sufficiency. I thought I will never come to this point because I always felt I needed someone to put things in perspective for me, to give meaning to my life. Of course, to have someone and share life with them makes a whole lot of difference. But I also realized I am not afraid to choose solitude if it happens to be the better option.
- Compassion. Despite my own temporal pain and grief - there are others out there, hurting more than I do. Truth of the matter is, I should be counting my blessings. Because I had loads this year. Instead of focusing on me, myself - I have to be a daughter, a sister, a friend and a partner - someone who will extend love and compassion to those who need them.
Posts
