Surreal

We met in September.

To clarify and set things in their proper perspective, the question to ask is:

Was there an initial romantic or physical attraction?

There was none.

At the onset, I already made it clear that I am with someone. To me, it was clear that he is an Untouchable.

We became friends, without the knowledge of most people around us. The friendship was a conscious social contract between the two of us, knowing that it will require a deliberate effort to remain in touch. We had minimal common friends – very surprising with both our vast network of friends and social circles.

This much I can say – he initiated the social contract. My acceptance was an unambiguous sign of willingness.

What transpired from then and now is a discovery of overlapping traits and characteristics, despite the major differences in backgrounds.

Both with warm, pleasant and friendly personas, we were drawn to each other. There was a mutual interest to realize what other common grounds we could uncover.

We rarely see each other. Circumstances and social decorum did not allow it.

On a fateful Sunday night, however, he initiated the next encounter.

The Archer whisked me away to the suburb.

The speed, the unforeseen events, the spontaneity were all blinding and intoxicating.

Am I referring to incidents with sexual undertones?

NO.

First of, The Archer is a good person with good intentions. I, on the other hand, have absolutely no romantic illusions about what we have. Nor will we ever see each other in that light.

It was nothing extraordinary, really. I have gone out of town with friends in the past. What’s different now is the fact that at that time, no one knew where we both were, who we’re with. Add to this the taboo of being seen together.

It was like having an illicit affair when there was none. There was danger. There was the excitement of sharing what seemed like a deep, not-so-dark secret.

As if this isn’t treacherous enough, on our way to our destination, we almost collided with a vehicle and the car was swept off a dark dirt road.

We were both speechless for a while. My hands were cold and shaking.

Although this is really going overboard and perhaps brought about by the adrenaline rush, at that time I was thinking, we could have gotten hurt – no, we could have died – without the knowledge of our families and friends.

After we regained our composure, we were laughing and making fun of what happened, though we both know we could have been in serious trouble if the car actually crashed.

The rest of the night was smooth as compared to that. It was mostly a discovery of ourselves, of who The Archer is, of who I am.

Again, there was a renewal of social contract – that we are friends, that we are safe with each other.

It was the scariest, most dangerous experience that will remain on top of my list for a long time.

Now that I am more cerebral about it, I am realizing why and how things happened the way they did.

It was an escape from both the realities we live in. We shared an affinity for each other in a way that we share an affinity for danger and disobedience.

Perhaps we both felt that our lives compelled us to follow stringent rules and norms. Within our core are free spirits that needed to be tamed to perform our daily duties and obligations.

At that time, we found ourselves – two souls – who wanted some liberty without the judging eyes and socially-imposed rules of what ought to be.

I don’t thirst for this everyday. Most, if not all, of my waking hours, I am just what people define as normal and average.

It was just another journey to self-discovery where I realized which dichotomies in myself that I have to reconcile.

Now, it’s time to go back to being normal again.

2003 pa rin

Here’s another way to be nostalgic about 2003. ‘Seems like I’m not over last year yet. Well, not really. It’s just that I haven’t spent enough time evaluating what I did and didn’t do in the year that passed.

A friend forwarded me this and I’m posting my answers here.

1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?

Become independent by renting my own apartment.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Most of it. But I gotta stop smoking!

Yes, the plans I outlined in my previous blog would be my new year’s resolution.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes, my college best friend.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No. Whew.

5. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?

A more defined and solid character. But I think I’m getting there.

6. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Dates. April 21 – The Buddy left for the States for a 2-month break.
December 28 – just take my word that it will remain etched in my memory.

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

To rent my own apartment and move out when the redundancy/retrenchment was happening and to get a middle managerial job.

8. What was your biggest failure?

To get out of a vicious cycle.

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Cough, cold, fever.

10. What was the best thing you bought?

My laptop.

11. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Almost everyone.

12. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

FPJ. Panfilo Lacson.

13. Where did most of your money go?

Stuff for my apartment, clothes, shoes.

14. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Events that I did not foresee or plan but happened.

15. What song/album will always remind you of 2003?

OHSI’s 2003 CD compilation.

16. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder?

Both.

17. Thinner or Fatter?

Fatter. Shit.

18. Richer or poorer?

Pareho lang but I feel richer because of my accomplishments.

19. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Spend more time with my Grandmother. Sleep and rest. Work out.

20. What do you wish you'd done less of?

I think I partied too much but I don’t regret I did so.

21. Did you fall in love in 2003?

Yes.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Lots! Sex and the City still tops my list. Ally McBeal, Will and Grace, Dharma and Greg, Just Shoot Me, Two Guys and a Girl.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No, not my style to harbor grudges/ill fillings against anyone.

24. What was the best book you read?

Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

India Arie.

26. What did you want and get?

Dami! My apartment. Friends. Love. Seduction. Job. School.

27. What did you want and not get?

Dami rin. Sleep. Rest. Love. Books. Time.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions – kahit na the ending sucked!

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Review for my finals, 26.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

I’ve always been grateful with what God gives me. If He didn’t give me something, he must have a good reason why.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?

Still unconventional, but more restrained because of the nature of my job.

32. What kept you sane?

Not what, but who. God. My Mother. Myself. But almost all the time, God.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I had to think hard – parang wala.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Two political issues: the US-Iraq war and FPJ running for president.

35. Who did you miss?

Dami. My Grandma, my Mom, The Buddy. OHSI. Web.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Not the best new person but a rediscovery – my former CEO. He became a good friend.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003:

The best and most successful people are the ones who know how to balance being cerebral and being emotional.

Whatever trials and tribulations life would bring me, God is my pillar of strength.

Things I’d like to do/accomplish in 2004
(From the mundane to the essentials, in no particular order)

1. Finish my master’s degree with flying colors, hopefully.
2. Learn how to drive a stick shift.
3. Go back to the gym and start lifting weights again. Damn, I’m gaining weight.
4. Or, go back to dancing. I miss street jazz. I miss the dance floor and the ledge. Learn modern jazz.
5. Start joining outreach programs again. My high school friends and I are starting on the 11th in Marikina. I’m excited!
6. Learn how to cook new recipes.
7. Go to Cambodia and Bangkok with Mom in April.
8. Ride a hot air balloon in Clark Field, Pampanga.
9. See more plays and go to new museums.
10. More frequent random act of kindness.
11. Spiritual retreat in June.
12. Get my 40 vendor accounts at work. Uhmmm… can I die now?
13. See my college friends more often.
14. Get to see The Buddy in August or September – in flesh and blood. Yeeeees!
15. Heal. Mend relationships. Be at peace with myself. Talk to my personal God more often.