River welling

This weekend, at 2am, I burst into tears.

I sobbed for a good one hour, yet I didn't know exactly what I was lamenting about.

The death of my grandmother? Or my sticky circumstance?

Or perhaps both.

I am that confused.

Until now, that's how I feel.

Confused.

Miserable because Nanay is gone.

Angry because of my circumstance and his choice of (non)action.

I guess it's cheese, wine, DVDs and a lot of moping and crying tonight.

I probably need a very good one to let it all out.

Can people do that? Consume themselves crying -- just one night of sob fest -- and the morning after, things are fine again.

Better.

Sheesh.

Where is that security blanket just when you need it the most?

Arrogant when right and true

One of my weaknesses, admittedly, is that I can be arrogant when I know I am right about something.

I don't see myself compromising when I know I'm right.

Especially when I know I have been considerate, when I have been patient.

And when I have already extended myself far more that I know I can.

I am a very balanced person. I think carefully first, before I act. I may do things in a fit of anger, but I am normally sane and just. I am a very fair person.

So don't tell me that I'm not.

Don't tell me what to think and what not.

Yes, I am in pain because of my loss. I lost the one person that I loved the most. Who loved me the most.

But that loss also made me realize the things that I have to do in my life - people to forgive, help that I need to extend, mistakes to correct, things I need to start doing, and things I need to end.

I am not a child.

I listen to you. I respect you. I value your opinion.

But do not tell me what I should think. When.

Especially when it is about us.

And when it is about things that you haven't done. Haven't accomplished.

I may hurt about other things.

But I don't forget.

And I don't apologize when I'm right.

When I know I was the one who was hurt and offended.

And tonight, you hurt me once again.

As if all the pain in the past wasn't enough.

I will not apologize.

I am that arrogant.

Goodbye, Nanay

Last Friday, April 13, Nanay passed away in the morning.

Like what she said in my dream, she wants to go after eating, before lunch.

And so she did.

She left us after eating breakfast. She just closed her eyes like she was just going to fall asleep.

To the Universe, to God, thank you for hearing our prayers to take her with you without making her suffer.

I'm sad and broken to see her go.

She is the one who loves me the most. And she's gone now.

To Nanay, thank you for everything.

For raising me, for sharing your life with us, for making me who I am.

It's true, you know. What I said in my tribute for you is true.

80% of who I am now is because of you. My courage, my strength, my perseverance. I have them because I got them and learned them from you.

I love you, Nanay.

We will see each other soon.