The same hurtful experience

I read Emer's blog about the brooch and the girl. Don't worry about it. If you think that's pathetic, well I guess I'm as pathetic as you.

What a coincidence. It's funny in some sort of demented way.

This Tuesday, while I was cleaning my CD rack, I came across 2 CDs that I intentionally buried into the deep recesses of my bookshelf. These are the 2 old-school RnB CDs that the X from New Jersey shipped during one of our anniversaries.

She gave me several CDs - collectibles from Broadway, South Border, Gary V's Interactive, etc., but I hid the two CDs in particular. They have the two songs that I swore not to hear again - ever. Not in this lifetime! The songs reeked of vows of fidelity, love - yada-yada-yada - the usual shit that I am very cynical of.

Fidelity my foot! One weekend in Atlantic City and she fucked this girl whom she said looked like her nanny!

I don't know why I still cringe at the sight of those CDs. I didn't want to touch them, too. It's like I'm scared that it would burn my fingers and the heat would shrivel down my resolve to loathe and hate her for as long as I live. And for as long as I can recall how she was capable of hurting me.

I surprised myself that time, too. I didn't know I was capable of feeling that tremendous pain. It felt like it was growing inside me, like it's going to devour me anytime that I allow it.

Oh well. I didn't have much choice to but to pick up the CDs. I brought them with me to the office. I lent them to a friend who's also into ghetto shit music.

When she returned them to me, I mustered enough courage to play them in my discman.

First CD, first song. Hmm... not bad. Then came the second, 'til I was able to finish the entire thing.

Twasn't that bad at all. In fact, I didn't feel anything. No twitching or thub-thumping on my chest. No nothing.

Though I'm still not complacent. One day, she will be back. Hell, I'm dreading that awful day when I would have to face her again and pretend that I don't feel anything anymore.

I know I would. But it's for me to know, and for me not to let her find out.

Frenzied Friday

6:44 pm in the office. Everyone, and I mean everyone, from my team is still working their butts off. There should be a celebratory mood but three of us will be working tomorrow. What a way to spend a Saturday.

Our outlet: to laugh at each other during brainstorming sessions.

Never forget your sense of humor during stressful moments.

Where is the silver lining?

The de-stressing that I did was already worn out an hour after I arrived in the office. After checking my email, I immediately went to my blogger to check the postings and write new stuff. As soon as the front door loaded, I saw that I was logged off! I've always been logged automatically, so I figured, someone used my PC and logged me off my Blogger. I checked with an officemate and it was confirmed that while I was on leave, they needed files from my PC and had to scour through it.

But why the hell did I have to be logged off???

The day doesn't seem to be starting right. Or perhaps the week.

Yesterday, while on my 1-day vacation leave, I just felt depressed and sad. And stressed. I really feel bogged down - what with all the work in my hands.

Today, I was supposed to submit my requirements for the loan I'm trying to get but I woke up late and I couldn't squeeze it in my tight schedule. I also intended to do some of my school assignments but forgot to bring ANYTHING related to school. I was so late I only managed to stash a pocketbook and a CD in my bag.

I can still hear Stuart Little's dad (I watched the movie last night with friends), saying that when things go wrong, look out for the silver lining in the clouds. There will always be one.

Well, I can't find my silver lining right now.

There is no silver lining.

The same way there is no spoon?

Shit. I'm mixing up my movies.