29

The last twenty-something for me.

29. It's a good age, so they say.

Let's see how things go.

Grateful to God for all the blessings.

Unexpected closure and reckoning

I have never obliterated anybody in my life – no matter how much pain they have inflicted on me – except for one person:

The Buddy.

The Buddy made his way through several entries in this blog last year.

All of a sudden, the pining, the whining, the longing (mine, for that matter) for him all stopped.

He hurt me. Badly.

There was no excuse for what he did.

He took advantage of my feelings, my sincerity, my loyalty, my vulnerability.

Worst, he took advantage of our friendship.

Ever since Doji’s party last year, I literally erased him in my life.

Phone numbers – both in the States and here in Manila, addresses in LA and in Ayala Alabang, all instant messengers, all email addresses.

I just didn’t want to have ANYTHING to do with him.

Then mid-Sunday afternoon, out of nowhere, there he was.

Asking for forgiveness.

Admitting how much of a jerk and a dumb-ass (his words, not mine) he was.

How much sorry he feels, how he never meant to hurt me, and how sincerely he felt for the two of us.

But he just couldn’t do anything about his situation.

That’s why he opted to just walk away.

From us.

For several years, I ached for him.

I moved heaven and earth for him.


When he walked out on us, I was crushed. I was broken.

I was angry. Utterly disappointed.

But I couldn’t stay angry at a person for a long time.

I have long forgiven The Buddy.

Both he and I had our own reasons why we both risked, why things didn’t work out.

He had his reasons why he decided to let go.

But after the apology, after hearing how much he really cared for me, how much torment he felt after I decided to eradicate him from my life…

I didn’t feel like gloating. I didn’t feel happy, or proud.

That he is down on his knees, haunted by the wrong he did.

I only care for and fall in love with someone once in this lifetime.

And frankly, at this point, when it comes to The Buddy…

I just don’t give a damn.

TGIF – in its truest sense

Friday – my most favorite day ever, as it signals the beginning of the weekend. When all work comes to a halt (unless the boss says otherwise, darn it!) and the fun begins.

For the first time in a very long time, I meant it.


Thank, God it’s Friday.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

This week has been rough to me, I just wanted it to end.

Monday didn’t start out too well – what with a missing IP address that paralyzed almost my entire day at work since I didn’t have Internet connection. From there, the next days felt difficult. It seemed like I had to exert a lot of effort just to do things right and make things right.

I’m a firm believer in starting the week right. Mondays should always be good – so that the rest of the days will be better. Screw up Monday, your whole week is screwed up entirely.

I know, I know. Self-fulfilling prophecy.

But this week: hanging laptop + conflicting connections of my email and YM (thus, I cannot do both simultaneously) + flooded streets + flooded parking + gloomy weather = blah mood.

My car – Zara – is coding every Friday so I have to wake up really early to go to work.
I’m sleepy until now – but I feel the greatest relief just knowing that it’s Friday.

And tonight, I will be clinking margarita and wine glasses with friends.

Cheers!

How to come around

If you ask me, I'd like things to be a bit simpler than they are now.

If I'd like to go back?

Most definitely.

I want comfortable, honest mornings. I want the smell of coffee while I shower and get ready for work.

I want her to be there - just lazily lying on my bed as she watches me select and unselect an office outfit - tossing shirts and pants here and there.

But why is it just so difficult to come around?

I am not a brooding person. I don't like bearing grudges against anyone. It's bad vibes. Too negative.

But there were things said that hurt me. They pierced through me.

There were words and accusations hurled that made me question myself.

Whenever I think about things said and done --- it still hurts. I still feel crushed.

Sometimes, I wonder - can someone who really fell in love with me hurt me through words?

If someone knows the formula on how to easily come around, then do let me know.

I wish I can go back. I really wish I could.

Carrie, Carrie, all Carrie

Well, what do you know...

Carmela gave me this Sex and the City blogthing.

I'm most like Carrie.

Like all my friends - I wasn't surprised at all.

You Are Most Like Carrie!

You're quirky, flirty, and every guy's perfect first date. But can the guy in question live up to your romantic ideal? It's tough for you to find the right match - you're more than a little picky. Never fear... You've got a great group of friends and a great closet of clothes, no matter what! Romantic prediction: You'll fall for someone this year... Totally different from any guy you've dated.

Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You?

Back to Basics

My life is back to normal – almost.


After months and months of preparation for the certification exam and my incessant partying to relieve stress, for the first time in a long time, I spent my weekend NOT worrying about how to pass the test and get certified.


I actually found myself surprised – wow – I’ve got nothing much to do!

Truthfully, with all the pressure at work and in school (yes, I’ve totally taken my Masters for granted), the short trip to China and Hong Kong (which I didn’t even write about here. Busy!) and all the emotional roller coaster ride I am still currently going through, I don’t think things will ever go back to where they were.

Fact of life --- every single moment we spend changes the way we are, who we are – even who we would like to be in the future. I just hope I don’t change that much to not recognize myself in the mirror anymore. Change is good, for as long as it is so because of our quest for higher truth and our core principles are followed.

Now that the roller coaster has slowed down just a bit, I realized, I miss and have missed out on a lot of things:

1. Long Sunday brunches with Doji
2. Reading fashion magazines or sensible books in a café by myself
3. Coffee with my Speed Dials – Ian and Celia
4. Even Margarita Wednesdays with Gemma
5. Conversations with my Grandmother – Nanay can only utter syllables after her stroke
6. Movies and dinner with my Mom
7. Shopping with my Sister – I really hope she goes home soon
8. Laughing out loud
9. The true and sincere affection of a dedicated love
10. Not feeling hurt and broken

Amidst the alcohol, the partying and the loud music that have been my regular recluse for how many Fridays now, it’s really the simplest of things that have the most profound effect, the deepest dent in my life.
And I wouldn’t mind going back.

Unsettling

“I sure hope there’s something better for us. Here we are, fab women, who I think are ready and have the life skills to make good partners and create a loving environment, but for some reason, we don’t have the one person to share our lives with.”

This is the text that I got from one of my Magic 5, Celia.

I was in the middle of a meeting when we started texting each other. Celia dropped me some lines that she’s back in Kuala Lumpur. Too bad we didn’t get the chance to have dinner and indulge ourselves in our usual nice, long, waxing philosophical conversations.

I felt sad when I read her message. Actually, right smack in the middle of a stressful update meeting, I felt a lump in my throat building up.

She’s right.

Here we are – wonderful, smart, fabulous women who have their own career and money, who know how to cook, prepare a wonderful dinner and entertain guests with animated conversations – yet we don’t have that one person to share and witness our lives.

What the hell is wrong in our world?

Actually, I can answer that myself.

It’s not that there isn’t anybody there. There are a lot of options, but the more important issue is – how to choose the right one.

The One – is hard to find.

The passion, the connection – all in the realm of the intellectual, the emotional and the physical – are just really difficult to fabricate. If it is not there, then it really isn’t.

Both Celia and I will not settle. Not for anything less.

And both she and I know that.

On my end, I am still in search for that passion.

I don’t want to be with someone who just likes me too much. I just don’t want to be adored. I want to be loved. Cared for. Looked after. In the way that I will love and care for the person.

I want a witness to my life. I want to be a witness to his or her life.

I want honest mornings. Comfortable togetherness. Passionate kisses.

I want it all.

I may do things differently in finding The One. Love me or hate me for it. But I’m taking my chances.

I will not settle.

I want it all.

Certified

July 31, 2006 - I, along with 9 other GT colleagues, took and passed the Certified Usability Analyst (CUA) certification exam.

I am now officially one of the first certified Filipino usability engineers in the country.

Thank you, God.

Thank you, friends and family, who wished me well and prayed for me.

Another milestone in my life this year.

Still thinking of what I want to get for myself as a reward.

Quiet Desperation

"Many of men live lives of quiet desperation. Perhaps the desperation could not be quieted anymore."

- Shall We Dance

I cannot be made as an excuse to escape from reality. As I am reality myself.

What I'd like to do is live my life - share the life of someone else. Fully.

I cannot make you a part of my life if you can only give me a fraction of it.

Because I want it all. Every moment, every part. Painful, sad, quiet, happy, ecstatic. Whatever they may be I want to be a witness to it. And I want my life to be witnessed. Fully.

So if you cannot give me this, banish the thought of being with me.

The One will give me his or her life. As I will give mine.

Margarita nights

Wednesday, half past 8.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. This is not good. I'm still in the office, rush-editing design templates for another major project.

Maaaan - I know Big Boss wants me to get involved with highly visible projects but I'm drowning here already.

No wonder Wednesday yuppie nights got invented. By this time, we feel like walking zombies already.

Damn, I need a glass. Now!

Forever Indebted

Same time last week, I was very stressed and angst-ridden, what with my workload in the office. I actually contemplate sometimes if all my hard work is worth it. I sacrifice weekends and vacation leaves just to get things done.

Projects haunt me even when I’m already lining up at the immigration or I am tucked away somewhere in Hong Kong. There are always incessant phone calls, emails and text messages, following up on this and that project.

Thursday --- it hit me.

Several minutes after I put down my laptop, one of the maids called me to tell me that my Grandma – Nanay – was rushed to the hospital. She suffered a stroke during lunch time.

I had a long queue of projects and to-dos --- but I seemed to have forgotten all of them. Screw it.

I literally flew to go to the hospital to make sure she’s alright. My heart was already in my throat. I was driving and I was making phone calls to check if she’s stable, if she’s conscious, if she will be fine. I wanted to hear it --- that it’s nothing. It’s fine. She will be fine.

I made phone calls to the three most important friends in my life. My voice was breaking, but I couldn’t cry. I was frightened and I was hurt. I was guilty, too. I haven’t seen Nanay for the past several weeks.

She stayed in the Acute Stroke Unit for five days before she was sent to a regular room. She’s still there in the hospital right now – more stable but the doctors need to still observe her.

She couldn’t talk. When I talk to her, she only nods or shakes her head to agree or disagree.

But whenever I am there to visit, her face would always light up. She would make the best effort to move herself closer to me. She would hold my hand.

Last night, it was her birthday. I was there when the visiting hours already started. She smiled as she saw me enter the door. I kissed her cheeks and greeted her Happy Birthday.

When I was telling her stories about what happened to me the entire day, tears were rolling down her cheeks.

She already wants to go home. I know she worries about me a lot. And I know she is very concerned that I will be financially burdened with the hospital bills since I am the one supporting both her and Mom.

I told her not to worry about anything. I will find a way. I will take good care of her. I will always be there.

There are people in your life that you will do just about anything for them. To me, Nanay is one of them.

I guess, this is true love for me. Romantic love has left and failed me several times.

But not this one. And I will be eternally grateful to her.

Rainy days for the Sunshine Girl

Almost all of my friends know that I’m a good-natured person. I’m fun to be with – something that I know I can claim, as evidenced by the circles of friends that I try so hard to maintain and regularly touch base with.

I love parties, casual dinners and the legendary margarita and wine nights with the ladies. I’m a fantabulous shopping buddy. I’m a wonderful beach comber. I’m the forever “one-of-the-boys” girl-kada that most girlfriends of my guy friends are jealous of.

Most of the time, the sun is out in my area, so to speak. I should have been named Summer.

But seasons end. After summer, comes the rainy days. And I am currently in the middle of it.

I am going through a tough time in my life right now. Trials and tribulations are coming one after the other. I was very forlorn when the week started. Right now, I still feel sad. Cold. Alone. But better.

So friends, it’s my turn to have one of those days. I’m not normally like this, so I hope you can give this to me. Allow me the moment to take in the pain, to shed tears, to spend quiet moments with myself. It’s probably something that I need to go through to form my character.

The times are tough, but I know I will get by.

For the true friends who have been worried about me --- my endless gratitude goes out to you. More than worrying about me, please pray for my loved ones – for my Nanay to get better so I can bring her back home safe, sound and healthy. For B, to find true love and self realization, with or without me.

The sun will come out again… very soon.

Settling

I’m not sure if one of my not-so-close girlfriends broke up with her beau, but I need to quote her on what she wrote:

“Have you ever wondered what it must feel like married to the one you settled on? This truly gives me great feelings of anxiety. It might be difficult to accept the word "settle" because it conjures up images of quasi-happiness and half-hearted glee.

Yes, there is some sort of satisfaction and perhaps, some feeling of security that can be derived from such a partnership but I wonder, could there be anything more?

To settle is to ultimately accept what is within reach, what is available, what is there. To settle is to convince one's self that the decision about to be made is inevitable, realistic, and safe. To settle is to risk not ever being truly happy because one decides to adopt the worst type of 'come what may' attitude on life's greatest challenges.

And settling is a sorry consequence of the passage of time. Yes, time can be the balm that soothes open, painful wounds in one's heart but it can also be that dark force that manipulates one's mind into thinking and believing that the choice one has made is the best choice... the only choice.

What time does, and I'm sure you'll agree, is it lodges one's mind and heart in a cage with the door partly open - with the promise of a better life losing its appeal over the reality of the present, the convenient, and the routine.

The wickedness of "settling" is not one way. It also eventually hurts the one who was chosen because in all respects, the truth will surface. You no doubt realize that you just wasted each other's time and emotions. But then again, if your spouse chose you not because he or she "settled", then forget about the win-win situation you were gunning for.”

Whoah.

Heavy.

But I have to agree with her.

I guess, I don’t have to expound any further. Let me just quote Sex and the City’ Carrie Bradshaw (and this has been my mantra for 2 years now):

“I need love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without each other love.”

And you know, Badj is also right. There’s already a lot of mediocrity in life. Love shouldn’t be one of them. Two years ago, I learned my lesson the harder way and how I wish I know things better now.

So to my wonderful single girlfriends, I raise the glass in your honor. There is virtue in patiently and carefully selecting The One. Never settle. Ever.

And to those who are at a crossroad of whether to settle or not and to those who are currently settling, the middleground may not always be the safest place to be.

And you eventually have to leave that gray area and make a choice.

Blog galore!

I know! I'm blogging incessantly, probably to take advantage of some idle time that I rarely get these days. Besides, I need to keep my sanity intact, what with all my projects and the certification track I have to take 2 weeks from now.

Just a few rants and raves:

Rants

I just really need to bitch about this:

I've been a loyal Powerbooks client. In fact, I've kept my membership for almost 5 years now. I just noticed that their customer service is beginning to suck.

They used to be loved for their speedy yet courteous manner of attending to customers. They will be more than willing to ship your reserved book from their branch in Alabang to Greenbelt. And they will patiently look for your book or get it abroad (whatever and wherever it may be). In fact, they will even call you to notify you that your book already arrived.

This afternoon, I called Powerbooks Greenbelt to look for Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist: The Gift Edition. It's a limited hardbound edition that I would like to give to a friend as a birthday gift.

I asked the Customer Service Rep on the other line if they have it, by clearly saying both author and book.

He asked me: "Ano po, The Optimist?"

I had to repeat the title of the book and the author. And I had to spell both for him.

Eyes rolling. Hello!?!?!? The Alchemist happens to be consistently included in their bestsellers.

To make matters worse, I was put on hold for 10 friggin' minutes. When he got me again, he said: "Ma'am, nag-s-spell check pa po, eh."

Ohmygaaaaaaaaaawd.

At the very least, their reps should know what's in their much-coveted list.

I was so irritated I'm considering shifting loyalty to either Fully Booked or Page One.

I wish Barnes and Noble is here in Manila. :-(


Rave

Thanks to B. and her trip to Thailand and the US, I have loads of new stuff!

1. Bags, bags and more bags
- a light brown leather Steve Madden
- a straw hobo bag
- a Thai shoulder bag with quilts and prints for denim day

2. A Tinkerbell snowglobe from Disney, Cali
3. Silk pillow covers and quilts from Bangkok

Happy, happy, joy, joy!

Current faves

What's in my disc changer:

1. Sitti: Cafe' Bossa



Her rendition of Girl From Ipanema and Lady Wants to Know are notable.

2. Toby Lightman's Little Things



Can I just say!?!?! This CD is such a steal! I bought it on sale at a hundred bucks in Eastwood. I heard her acoustic of Frightened from long ago and I loved it. I was so surprised to see the CD on sale because her music is really good.


What I'm currently reading:

Aside from my usability manuals that are a foot high:

Devil Wears Prada



- from Mica. Sorry, Mother, haven't gotten the chance to return since we haven't seen each other after the picnic party!

What I am currently obsessing on:

1. Dopod



You ain't a geek if you don't have this! I know the technology is still quirky. Hell, that's the risk early adopters are willing to take!

2. Gucci Hobo bag



Bag, bag heaven! It's a social sin, I know! Sigh.

What I've been aching to read:

1. Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code: The Illustrated Version



I want to get the illustrated version so I don't have to research the paintings and places via the Internet.

2. The Lucky Shopping Manual - with all the must-have styling and fashion tips. I really gotta have this! Stole it momentarily from Carmela.

Far, far away

Alienated. Empty. Alone.

These are my exact feelings as I came back to my office from a quick round of beer with guy-kadas.

I realized --- I've been feeling this way for a month now.

I'm in a relationship that doesn't feel like one anymore.

There are times that I felt like giving up. What was the use of being with someone who isn't always there?

And if she is, she has the patience of a child. A temperament that I know I don't deserve.

I am distant. Here, yet not here. Transported in a far, far away land.

Away from my reality. Away from myself.

Whatever the outcome is evades me.

But I am definitely tired of the vicious cycle.

My own.

FOJ

First of June – and I am barely breathing.

On my plate:

1. Reviewing for my certification exam
2. Tests, tests and more usability tests
3. Hundreds of projects – well, at least they feel like they’re hundreds
4. Errands to run
5. Coming back to graduate school in June

Talk about biting more than what I can chew!

It’s June already – I work an average of 12 hours a day and yet I have not done even half of my KRAs. Good luck to me during next year’s evaluation.

I need a sanity-saver.

After a major project in July, I’d like to come home to Hong Kong. Stay there for 9 days at the most and just recharge.

I don’t care if I don’t go out of the condo. I just need a break!

Of living and loving

As you open the pages
Of the book of your life
You then realize
That life is not about
Your mere existence
Your day-in, day-out drudge

Life
And living it to the fullest
Are about the choices
You bravely
Or cowardly make
That inevitably dictate
How you live it

Life
And its best hallmarks
Are the moments
When you valiantly
Shed tears
To express pain
Anguish
Agony
Sadness

Life
Is lived like no other
When you laugh
So hard, ever so intensely
Like there is no
Tomorrow

Life
Is when you fall
Deeply in love
Unconditionally
Without remorse
Without regrets
Whether it brings forth
Grief or happiness.

- A birthday present for a good friend.

Happy birthday. Despite the distance, we remain connected.

Elusion of the forbidden

Sleep is elusive tonight
As evasive as a seductress
Who tempts mercilessly
Yet refuses to be ensnared

I caught myself in bed
Wrapped in my own recluse
As my thoughts wandered to you
To where you are
If you are fast asleep

And these thoughts
Take me to the glory days
That we spent together
Enclosed in a world
That only you and I know

As again I wonder
Do you think of me?
Like I think of you?
Do you see me?
As I see you?

Caught in two different worlds
Yet fate insisted
For our paths to inevitably cross
With all its meaning
I still wonder where it is leading

If you and I were never destined
Then I ask the gods and the spirits
Why bring me this agony
To have seen, touched, tasted you
If you will only be forbidden

In the stillness of a sleepless night
I admit to defeat
In finding answers that escape me
As I bid you goodnight

As I blow a kiss in the wind
To bid my distant lover goodnight.

- April Cabello

... Something that I wrote at 3 this morning when I finally gave up tossing and turning.

Of Chanel and Being High Maintenance

Up to this day, I remember Big for telling me this when I ranted that I am always accused of being high maintenance (although personally, I still beg to defer):

"...not everyone can afford Chanel. But Chanel will never stoop down for people to afford it. So like Chanel, never settle if you know that's not your market. Let them bask in the waft of the scent. But never make yourself available to those who do not pass your terms."

Amen.

Holy Friday Thought Bubbles

Before the Holy Week started, I told myself I wanted some time out.

Time out from my hectic work schedule, running to and from dinners and margaritas with friends. Don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I have a great job and several sets of loyal cliques.

I just feel that the hustle and bustle has been catching up on me – working 15 hours a day, making my final video production, spending time with B. and touching base with my battalion of friends.

24 hours just isn’t enough. And 5 hours of sleep on the average won’t cut it for me for a long time.

Read: I wanted to zone out for a couple of days.

Just whiling away time watching videos. Sipping Two Oceans. Writing, writing, writing. No text messages from work. No phone calls.

How many times have I told myself this: be careful what you wish for. ‘Might just be given to you.

Yesterday, before driving B. to the airport to go back to Hong Kong, I was fishing through my summer bag to get my PDA phone. I couldn’t find it.

To cut the long, dizzying, panic-stricken story short, I lost my mobile phone somewhere while traversing ACA Video, my parking area and NAIA.

Since the malls are closed, I could only call our customer service to have my line disconnected. I need to wait until Saturday to get my new sim at Park Square.

So I am left with my old yet reliable Nokia 6600 and a borrowed prepaid sim.

It was a good thing that I have 3 backup mobile phones in the apartment – the perks of working for a telco. Although not as fancy and as techie as my PDA phone, the 6600 and the Samsung toy phone will work fine in the meantime.

I actually sound very collected now. But I was very upset yesterday, especially when I called my mobile and someone dropped my call. After a few more calls, my phone was already off.

Wow – talk about stealing on a Holy Thursday.

It’s not the phone I’m so lamenting about. I stored all of B.’s messages from day 1. My passwords everywhere are stored in there; my memo book is full of notes from my meetings.

Darn. Whoever got my PDA phone – he can probably sell that for several thousand bucks – which he can quickly spend as quickly as he got the easy money.

As for me, I rejoice in the fact that everything (except for the mushy SMS) is hopefully stored in my Outlook. And since Bea felt awfully guilty about rushing me to the airport so we didn’t even bother check our things, she promised to replace my old Treo 600 with a new HP Ipaq PDA phone of my choice.

Talk about the silver lining in the cloud.

That is equal to a new shiny, silver HP Ipaq.

Wanderlust

It's time. It's Holy Week.

I am at work. But my mind is already on vacay mode.

'Can't concentrate.

Gotta. stop. thinking. about. the. beach.


Friends

Finally, I found some time to gather some of my close friends.

After attending mass at Better Living (it was Palm Sunday), Gemma and I phoned Aldo since he lives in the area. We were also with Joel.

The four of us went to Figaro at the overlooking portion in the south area.

The brief coffee session ended up to be an almost 4-hour animated exchange among all of us. 4 hours - and it was still bitin. Way bitin.

It's been months since I had a long, meaningful conversation with Aldo. And I realized - some of the guy friends that are really friends of mine, I already miss them. Big time.

I miss the existentialist whatevs the we talk about. I miss hearing THAT other side of the world which I will never understand, in the same way that they will never understand women.

But it's nice to know that despite the periodic absences and having to attend to our daily lives, we still manage to touch base.

It actually felt quite good.

I miss my old friends.

A walk on the beach

We strode past the other travelers
Hanging on to my slippers on one hand
The other holding yours
Our feet combed through the powdery
White sand of the beach front

The sun shone brightly
Spraying streaks of gold and burgundy
On your hair and your freckle-dotted cheeks
The sun beams reflected on your eyes
And made them hazel brown

The sky was a canvass
With swirls of white and blue
The sea was a portrait
Of serene, calming strokes and lines

Everything else was a blur
Of fascinating hues and tints
The people clad in their swimwear
Were all weaves and twines of
The brightest of shades

What made this walk interesting
What brought life to it
What painted all its colors
Is you.

Just you.
And your presence.
And how you breathe life
To everything that surrounds us.

Sunny day, everything’s A-Okaaaaay (I wish)

Yeah, I really wish I can write something good and happy here. After another month-long hiatus – of course I want to post something nice!

There were loads, like an early summer outing in Cebu, B’s 2-week break, the end of my finals, to name a few. But there are several turn-of-events that toppled whatever happy moments I’d like to think about.

Generally, I’ve been a very positive person. But with these, my spirits couldn’t help but feel so down and out:

1. Sick. A day before my Malapascua trip, I woke up in the wee hours of the morning, shivering, feeling very cold despite my being tucked under thick sheets of B’s favorite comforter. My mouth was dry, my throat painful. I caught the flu. I tried to go to work but even before lunch time, I was already shaking uncontrollably because it was too cold. Damn it.

Our friends left for Malapascua. B and I decided to delay our flight a day later.
I went back to work this Monday but by mid-afternoon, my eyes were blood-shut. Yes. I have sore eyes. Wonderful. What a good package deal of all forms of summer sickness.

2. The heartbreaking news. Before midnight last night, I was surprised to receive a phone call from Gucci. We have not spoken for more than a year, after my fateful break-up with The X.

When I answered the phone, I couldn’t even believe that it was him. I asked what was
wrong. His voice quivered.

“It’s Ariel.”

And then a long pause with several muffled sniffs and sobs. I had to repeatedly ask what was wrong before he gave it to me.

He was diagnosed today to have leukemia.

Please. Someone tell me this is all a joke.

Gemma was right. Where was the punchline?

Until now I am waiting for one – that all this is an ugly prank, a bad joke that both The X and Gucci concocted. I’d rather be angry at both of them for pulling this one off rather than feel all this hurt right now.

I feel both very repressed and depressed. Reality bites. And it bites really hard. We are no longer as young and as immortal as we thought and felt we were. Drunken nights, all the booze and the cigs – are catching up.

And what else would break me more – but the thought and the fact that I might lose one of the people who made a significant mark in my life.

Please give me something to smile about.

Of Pinoy flicks, TV shows and showbiz chismis

I’m not a big fan of Filipino movies and TV shows. Two reasons:

1. I wasn’t allowed to watch or read anything Pinoy when I was growing up. I compared notes with people in my generation and this rule applied to most middle class Pinoy kids of the ‘80s. Our parents discouraged us to watch Filipino shows aired on TV. Yes to Sesame Street, but no to Batibot. Yes to Dallas and The Love Boat. But no to Flor de Luna or Mga Batang Yagit.

For comics and magazines, my childhood bestriend – Minette – and I, used to secretly buy Pinoy Thriller and Funny comics when we go to Sunday mass together. We would sneak them into our bedrooms, away from the sight of our Moms. We will be grounded if they see us reading Pinoy comics.

For books, our Moms would buy as Sweet Valley High and Sweet Dreams. Pero bawal magbasa ng Pinoy pocketbooks.

2. When I was finally old enough to take my pick of TV shows and movies, I tried watching several Sharon Cuneta and Lorna Tolentino movies. I also watched Bagets and Ninja Kids. But most Pinoy movies that I watched never appealed to me. Not that I was accustomed to a different treatment of films, but objectively, I didn’t like their storyline, the effects were so outdated, the drama is over-the-top for my taste. Some movies were also poor adaptations of Hollywood movies.

I never enjoyed slapstick comedy, either, which also discouraged me from watching Pinoy TV shows.

Recently, however, I’ve been giving Pinoy shows and movies a second chance. Actually, this isn’t deliberate on my part. My boss – as brilliant as he is – is also the epitome of ka-jologs-an in terms of taste in movies, TV shows and even commercials. During lunchbreak, he would go on and on about the Pinoy movies and shows he watched and encourage us to see them as well. My teammates would also talk about Pinoy shows and I couldn’t catch up on the conversations because I had absolutely no idea what they were talking about. Who the hell is Uma of Pinoy Big Brother, anyway? I didn’t know Uma was a big-haired guy, until I saw him in Studio 23.

B. also likes – nay, loves watching showbiz chismis. In fact, I was surprised that she knows more about the local showbiz info than I do. So our Saturday and Sunday afternoons in Manila are spent watching the showbiz TV shows on channels 2 and 7.

Actually, we both like Nuts Entertainment. B. even has this video in Hong Kong where she was imitating Balakubak (Balita at Kwentong Bakla). I was laughing my ass off and until now, I’d play it over and over to get a good laugh.

After this, I’m getting my fix of Pinoy flicks. I rented La Visa Loca, starring Robin Padilla. It’s a comedy about how a lot of Pinoys desperately try to get a US Visa just to see the land of the milk and honey.

Para naman maka-bangka when my friends talk about Pinoy movies. Hahaha.

2:30pm, Hong Kong

It's mid-afternoon. I am dressed to go out already. Just waiting for B to get dressed as well.

While doing that, I have on my side an Isla Negra red wine, blue cheese and prosciutto crudo.

This is life.

Ask me if I still wanna go back to Manila.

Much ranting about nothing

9:28 am - Hong Kong.

I just had to be transported somewhere else.

To clear my head. To write.

Since the year started, I had nothing but more work and more projects on my plate. Stephen Covey's "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" and other self-help books on time management are useless for people like me who do not have time to manage in the first place.

I clock in an average of 12 hours a day at work. I have my video production subject in school and a management training course from AIM. I go to the gym - and cannot afford not to go - what with my bad eating habits. And I have a girlfriend.

I can rant endlessly about it. There are a multitude of reasons why I have to do all these. Conversely, there are also a plethora of reasons why I shouldn't. It's not like I wasn't really left with choices.

I can choose to drop my subject - but I want to finish my Master's already.

I can drop out of my management training course, as well. But if I do so, then I won't get promoted faster.

I can stop going to the gym and just eat more wisely. But that's the thing - with all the stress at work, I can never eat wisely.

The only thing that I don't have too much hand on is work. No matter how efficient i try to be - work won't just stop. And what actually pisses me off is the fact that whenever I finish something ahead of time - there will just be more work added to my never-ending list.

For me to have this well-deserved vacay, I had to work until 10 or 11 almost everyday to get things done. And miraculously, I did. I left no pending tasks, attended to all the project teams who needed me. In fact, I got some of the deliverables emailed a day in advance.

But my mobile phone just won't stop ringing. Just like before, I was already queueing in NAIA's immigration and some PMs won't just stop calling - to ask me for things I've already done for them and have been sent a day earlier to their email.

I love what I do. I really do.

For almost a year now, there's no day that I don't look forward to going to work. I don't drag myself out of bed. I love my projects and being the OC me, I can't stop myself from going through each of them in the most detailed way that I can.

But sometimes, some people just give me this feeling that it's never going to be enough.

And I don't want to be burnt to the point that I just want to stop.

To think that all I am asking for is a 2-day break. 2 days - and I have to go to hell and back just for me to get some Me time.

So it's probably wise to get myself out of this couch now and enjoy the Hong Kong breeze as much as I can.

Food Heaven

If there is one thing that B and I agree on 100% - it’s food.

We love to wine and dine, check out the latest restaurants and find incredible hole-in-the-wall joints. I even gave her a restaurant bible – “A Guide to Restaurants in Manila.” And we promised to try ALL the ones with very good reviews.

It doesn’t really matter if it’s the isawan right in front of Kalayaan dorm in U.P., Diliman, or Margarita Fores’ Pepato in Greenbelt 2. The bottomline is good food.

We are both self-proclaimed food critics – as she is a frustrated chef, and I – well – I’m just really a glutton (thus, the need for me to regularly sweat it out.)

Last Saturday, I took her to Segundo Piso. “Second Floor” in Spanish. It’s an apt name for the restaurant, owned by Juan Carlos de Terry and his wife, as its first branch is situated on the second floor of Terry Selection – the couple’s gourmet store that rivals Santis Delicatessen.

I discovered this restaurant long before it became one. Four years ago, when I was still employed by OHSI, my officemates and I used to frequent Terry Selection for its deli sandwiches and on-sale El Almendro Yema Tostados. We’d buy the yema tostados at 50% off, refusing to buy them at regular price, because it’s P250-P300 per box. Not that we can’t afford it – but the price is too much – it’s a social sin already.

Favorite deli sandwiches: Happy Turkey, Mess and Don Pepito.

I love the Spanish cold cuts – turkey, peppered salami, Jamon Serrano and chorizo with pisto manchego. Pair with their farmer’s or focaccia bread topped with garlic and tomato.

Maaaaaaan! Just thinking of it makes me drool.

B’s favorite: the lentil soup with black sausages. It’s so full of flavor! And it’s something you’d like to order again since it's not easy this stuff at home – unless you’re a chef.

Customer service is fab! I ordered for a glass of their rose wine, and they gave me extra since the bottle is almost gone. The waiter poured all the content in my glass.

You'd be surprised that food is reasonably priced, considering the quality and taste of food, fine wine and wonderful ambiance.

The original Segundo Piso is located at Building B, Karrivin Plaza, 2316 Pasong Tamo Extension, Makati City. For reservations, you can call them at 729-7906 or 729-7907.

Anti-social

I don't have much time in my hands right now. I've been pretty much swamped at work. Carmela and I have been going home awfully late this week. When I reach the apartment, I still couldn't sleep and I end up working some more.

So, apologies to my friends and my margarita buddies. The deadma mode is unintentional. There's really a lot on my plate lately. I've been missing a lot of phone calls and text messages. If I reply, it's like 10 hours late. Please bear with me - let me go through this first and I will be back to normal mode in a few weeks - hopefully.


Fab new finds

Two happy discoveries with B:

1. La Copa

If you like hunting for hole-in-the-wall restos that offer great food that's reasonably priced, you will love La Copa restaurant. Steak is around P295-P350 and it was uber nice! Wine is P115 per glass, P750 per bottle. Not bad, huh? The oyster appetizer (I forgot what it's called but it's not oyster rockefeller) was also unique. Haven't seen oysters cooked that way anywhere else.

Ambiance: Cozy, candle-lit tables with candelabras hanging all over the place. There are also some tables for 2 that are lit by old-fashioned miniscule "gaseras." Ambient music is a bit mushy, but what do you expect from a romantic resto?

Caveat: It's a bit out of the way, though. B and I stumbled upon La Copa when I drove her to the aiport last Sunday. Her Hong Kong flight was delayed so we had to find a place near NAIA where we can have dinner.

La Copa is in the area of the domestic airport. Rumor has it that it's owned by PAL flight attendants. If you’re in the vicinity, you have to try this place.

2. Bound

In the Timog area, along the quiet street of Scout Castor, B and I found Bound – a quaint book shop owned by 5 media personalities from ABS-CBN.

They’re selling both new and pre-owned books. Most of the reads are quite a steal! A lot of the books I bought were actually new ones, but are just old stocks.

I bought Jessica Zafra Womenagerie and Twisted series for P100 each. Found Stephen King hard-bound books for P140. Not bad!

If you are looking for gay and lesbian literature – this is also the place to be. Some of the copies are even autographed by Manila’s gay icons, including Danton Remoto.

I reserved for Ana Leah Sarabia’s Tibok: Heartbeat of the Filipino Lesbian. I read this book already but gave it to my ex Lyle as a gift.

More next week... if I find the time.

Happy weekend, peeps!

New Year Hang-Over

“The unexamined life is not worth living.”

- Socrates

I got this series of questions from a friend a few years ago. I just wanted to answer it again, this time, for 2005.

1. What did you do in 2005 that you’d never done before?

I said this in my previous blog. Dropped people off completely and resolved to keep them out of my life for good.

And, spent Christmas Eve by myself!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Yes – 80% of it, at least. For 2006, I have big plans, not resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thank God, no!

5. What countries did you visit?

Singapore, Thailand and Hong Kong.

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?

Spiritual growth. A princess-cut diamond ring set in a white gold band. A pension plan.

7. What date(s) from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

April 1 – my first working day in Globe

August 11 – first dinner date at Paparazzi with B.

September 17 – I said yes to B. Or, did she say yes to me? Hahaha!

October 7 – Beautiful Zara was delivered to me by Honda Cars, Pasig.

October 17 – My birthday celebration at Pepato with B.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Character-building. Learning how to be selfless, being considerate of others before me. Self-realization.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not being able to re-establish the kind of friendship I had with Ariel. But will work on it.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yes. I couldn’t breathe because I smoked too much! But I quit already.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Zara, of course!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Mine – I am a better person, I know that for sure.

Romy – for being a good leader, for being generous of his ideas, talents and of himself.

myGlobe team – for being a good team and being good friends with each other at the same time.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

The bosses in my previous company – for their malicious intent and rumor-mongering.

Raoul – for being a selfish prick.

My Dad – for once again, disappointing my Mom and me.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Clothes. Shoes. Bags. More clothes. Shoes. Bags. Gizmos and gadgets. Plane tickets.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

A lot of things! How I lived my life last year, in general.

Falling in love again.

16. What song will always remind you of 2005?

No song in particular. Album – John Legend’s.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder?

Definitely happier.

thinner or fatter?
Thinner compared to June, 2005!

richer or poorer?
Richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Spent time with my Nanay (Grandma).

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worrying.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

Spent Christmas Eve by myself for the first time. Christmas morning with family. Christmas evening was a traditional dinner party with high school buddies.

21. Did you fall in love in 2005?

Absolutely.

22. How many one-night stands?

None.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

Loads! Usually from Starworld: Scrubs, Tru Calling, Whose Line Is It Anyway?

My most fave: The L Word, but it’s not shown here in Manila, damn it!

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Hate is too strong a word.

Appalled: by my guy neighbor who steals my parking slot.

25. What was the best book you read?

I can’t say for sure. I need to read more.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Anton Ramos c/o B.

27. What did you want and get?

A girlfriend.

Travel.

A diamond-studded white-gold ring. An Ipod. A new car.

Peace of mind.

Woah. Lucky Bitch.

28. What did you want and not get?

World peace. End of hunger. Cure for AIDS and fast cure for cancer.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

Regretfully, ‘didn’t get to watch a lot of movies this year.

But probably Mr. and Mrs. Smith, just because I watched it in a new cinema in Singapore where popcorn was served in a huge crystal bowl, wine and beer can be scheduled for serving at anytime within the movie and I was sat in a business class-type seat that can be stretched and reclined.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

28. I spent it with B. We were lucky she was on break.

She gave my birthday gift on the shores of Krabi, Thailand. We had dinner at Pepato, Greenbelt 3 on the exact day.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

There’s no one thing. Everything was good last year and I thank God and the universe for it.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?

Risky. Kikay. As long as it contributes to self-reinvention, I welcomed it.

33. What kept you sane?

B. Friends. Family.

But they’re also the ones who drove me nuts. Hehehe.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Katherine Moennig – the one who played Shane in The L Word.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

Hello Garci.

36. Who did you miss?

My younger sister. Our fights, our parties and our shopping sprees.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

My girlfriend, of course.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005.

To whom much is given, much is expected.

If you don’t have anything good to say, shut up.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I can’t at the moment. I don’t think any song can sum up the year.

2005 was just too fab!

2005 Boons and Banes

This has been a yearly tradition for me – to recap the year that was, to look back and reflect on the things I’ve done and events that transpired.

In a nutshell, 2005 was another year of roller coaster ride, what with my usually-larger-than-life escapades. I wish some of them weren’t for real, but as they say, sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.

My year-ender of boons and banes:

1. Cutting loose and letting go.

I never thought I could do it. Nor did I ever imagine that I will ever be capable of totally and literally deleting a few people who I realized were “baggage” that prevented me from moving on. I always felt guilty for ignoring and not being there for friends and loved-ones who were emotional parasites – those that fed on my own well-being and whose welfare I attended to first, before my own, yet brought me nothing but aggravation.

No guilt was felt. Raoul. Rafael. Deleted from system. File not found.

2. Tried, tested, true friends.

Hallelujah for this! If there is one thing that I will not run out of, this is it – true friends. I pride myself for being a fiercely loyal ally. I expect nothing less. And I am grateful that at this point, I know who my emergency numbers are – those who I can call at 3am, those who will pick me up wherever I am and whatever time it is.

Cheers to my best bud Ian and to my soul and wicked sister Celia. To Arlene – I am grateful that we found each other again (despite the vexations of our exes). To Gemma, Bobby, Jonathan, Che, She, Marc, Ryan, Yasmine, Nino, Panet, Arnold, Maite. To my mentors Doji and Romy. To myGlobe. To ABSi friends. To my OHSI inspiration.

Time and distance can keep friends apart. But the real ones will stick around, nonetheless.

3. School.

Back in school last October. 3 more subjects before graduation day. A long, treacherous and expensive endeavor. All for the love of the academe and the quest for higher learning.

Shyet.

4. New job.

Basta sa amin, posible!

It will come as a shock for me if you haven’t heard of our current company slogan.

April 1, 2005 – I officially became an employee of the second largest telecom in the country. I am, once again, under the wings and mentoring of my all-time favorite boss cum mentor cum friend. My dream to go back to my first love and dream industry finally came true. Did I mention I have a kick-ass team?

And there is no turning back.

5. New job, therefore, new car. Zara.

Delivered last October 7. An advance birthday present for myself.She’s the way I want her to be. Brand new. Red. Sleek but not a fuel-monster.

She’s mine. Mine!

6. Wanderlust.

I was bitten by the travel bug this year. And this is one of my major accomplishments. Three Asian countries in a span of six months. And all for leisure, at that. Party, friends and the great sale in Singapore; beach, spa, shopping and tornado-watching in Thailand; shopping and ultimately finding love in Hong Kong (Uuuuuuy! Baduy!)

Revisited Palawan in August. Watched the sunset. Frolicked in the beach. Got drunk. And got drunk some more.

7. Acknowledging responsibility.

Since childhood, I have never been insulated from our family issues. In fact, I was my mother’s shock absorber and cushion. I have been given responsibilities far greater than what is usually expected from someone like me at my age.

Before the year ended, I have finally accepted that all these responsibilities are mine. Nobody else will cover for me or for my family. And it is God’s blessing that I am given this chance to take care of my loved-ones.

8. Big.

I met Big. The British version. I lost him, too, in a span of three months (Or was it the other way around? He lost me within three months, har har!). But I will be eternally grateful to him for giving me one of the greatest experiences of all time. I enjoyed playing the fab gal who chose his cutlery, wine glasses and bathroom towels.

Thank you for one helluva trip! For the thousand dollar dinners, for the intellectual conversations, for the walks in the park, for the ostentatious exclusive parties, for the champagne brunches and red wine nights, for making me stay in your posh apartment and educating me about starting my own antique collection.

More importantly, thank you for the realization: that after the grand parties come the nursing of an awful hangover, that a huge apartment in a Forbes-type Singapore village feels so empty when I am left by myself by a partner who travels a lot, let alone drinks too much and stays late more often than he is home; that white linen sheets get stained by tears and that mascara smudges on them are hard to clean. That a lush life is fine by me. But it will never determine my happiness. NEVER.

9. Self-discovery.

Regardless of others’ perception, how I see myself has never been clearer. Now more than ever, I am certain of what I want, how I am, who I was and who I want to be.

I will not settle for less. I will never be complacent. I want passion – a lot of it – and it is not something that I can give up and compromise. Passion in my private affairs, in how I do things, in the way I work. It is the fuel that pushes me to aspire, to do better, and make sure I get what I want.

I have a psychedelically-colored past that I am proud of and that I will happily look back to when I am old. Let no one pass judgment of it.

Most of all, I uphold my integrity and respect for myself – in anything that I do – this is a guiding principle.

10. Finally, B.

It’s like moving houses. It gets tiring when done too often. Or sometimes, just when you thought you already want to settle into one for good, circumstances will compel you to move out once again and find another place to live in.

She came in the most unexpected of time. I wasn’t deliberately looking for her. And I wasn’t exactly very excited to “shift paradigms” once again, only for me to be disappointed in the end.

But the universe and common friends both conspired for the date (that was one year in the making) to finally happen.

The rest is history.

I am just grateful for this warm, cozy feeling. Of being in a relationship with someone I am in love with who loves me in return. She can get a little crazy and jealous sometimes, but I appreciate the depth of the emotional connection and conversations, the pampering, how we are with each other – and everything else that is in the relationship.

I hope I’m finally home this time.

Happy 2006, folks! May this year be fabulous - blessed with love, health and wealth for us!

Insulator/Cushion/Shock Absorber

There will be instances when you really have to be one. Especially if you care for the person.

To make someone feel better, to alleviate certain stress, pain or discomfort.

It's okay to be one.

Every now and then.

But sometimes, consistently being one and yet still being subject to tirades and irate remarks can just be the straw that will break the camel's back.

While it has not yet been broken in my case, I am trying to count sheep.

God, give me patience.

One sheep, two sheep, three... five hundred... seven hundred and two... one thousand...

Christmas – in full circle

Almost the same time last year, I was getting dead wasted in the beach with my friends – Gemma, Bobby and Teng. We were crazy beach brats – driving off to the nearest yet finest beaches in Batangas to just lie on the white sand, stare at the stars and get so drunk, thanks to our favorite Chilean Merlot and Chiraz.

Sounds super fun, huh?

Actually, they were commiserating with me - mourning the death of a love affair, the ultimate ending of a love story.

‘Seems like ages ago.

12 months after…

I am back on my feet again.

I have a wonderful life, a great job, a new and fab partner.

Thanks to the beach brats. I will never forget how patient they all were:

– with Bobby driving to Batangas despite his slipped disc,

– with Gemma listening intently to all my rants and being objective about everything although she was originally Ariel’s good friend,

– and Teng being the always-available funny man who effortlessly cheered me up with his uber-jologs antics.

This year, Bobby spent the New Year in the hospital. He needed to go under the knife to finally kick that slipped disc out. Gemma and I visited him on the 30^th, brought him chocolate cake and wished him well.

I’ve been spending more time with Gemma again. Her turn to experience love woes, courtesy of the cheating boyfriend (read: asshole!).

Teng is a different story, though. Like me, Teng’s finally getting lucky in romance. Woohoo!

My turn to be the good and reliable friend. Who will listen. Who will be there. Who will feel for them. Who will rejoice in their happiness. Who will share their pain.

Not to sound like I am rejoicing other’s misery – but I felt Christmas spirit more because of them.

It sounds really preachy – but I didn’t feel it because of all the gifts, the parties, the alcohol and all the Christmas food.

Christmas this year – felt more like Christmas because I knew and felt I am a partner, a friend, a daughter. Someone who cares for people I love, and someone who is being cared for.

Cheers to that!