An Honest Sunday Morning

This is what I love about Sunday mornings - I don't feel lazy getting up because I know that I don't have to go to work.

And that... gives me ample time to write about my thoughts, without the intrusion of projects or phone calls from friends asking me what my plans are on Saturday evening.

Best of all, everyone is either so drunk or too blood-shut puyat to wake up early. No one dares to bother me.

This gives me time to be bare-naked about a lot of things about myself:

1. Moments alone. I find myself wanting to be just by myself these past few days. I just need some time to clear my head and think without the distractions of everyday life. Without other people telling me what to do or how to feel.

2. Shutting down. No mobile phones, no emails, no Friendster, no Yahoo Messenger. No blogger. No nothing. For a few days, I just want to be left alone without talking to anybody. And I mean ANYBODY. I want to shut down for a while. Quite paradoxical for someone like me who's always surrounded by friends.

3. The simple life. I realized, things were a lot simpler back then. I had more honest mornings. I had less money. But I was also more contented. I had fewer friends, but I knew who were loyal to me. I was in a secure relationship. It's not a perfect one, but it was comforting. I smiled more. I cried less. My partner can be crazy, but I also knew I was THE only one. No ifs, no buts. It's just me.

4. My own moral yardstick. There are some things that do not sit well with me. There are situations and circumstances that I don't feel comfortable with. No matter how much I deny this to myself, no matter how much I try to conceal my stand on this, in one way or another, my real perspective shows. Subconsciously. Whether I like it or not.

5. Meant for greater things. Have you ever felt this way? That you were meant for things larger than life? Have you ever thought that what you do now, what you are now --- you are meant to do more, be more? I do. I always feel that someday, I'm meant to be somewhere else. Doing something else. Something greater.

6. Stuck with indecisions and cowardice. Whatever I want to do, whatever I need to do, I am hampered by my own indecisiveness. I am one of the bravest, yet right now I am also the weakest and most frightened to do certain things - to put my foot down - to get what I want or to not get it for now.

7. Fridays and weekends. I used to look forward to them. But now, I dread the weekend. Because my past weekends were miserable. Now I intend to do something about that.

8. What you thought you wanted may not be what you want at all. I've always wanted to work and stay there. This year, I even intended to learn the language. But when I was in Central, I looked at all the people passing by, the hustle and bustle of the crowd. And then I asked myself: Is this what I really want? Is this really what will make me happy? Will I really trade Manila over this? Truthfully, I dont have the answer yet. I just found myself liking the place too much that I might have overrated things and overlooked important factors that should be my compelling reasons for relocating.

9. Greater stake requires courage. If you want to stake your claim on me, make sure that you placed all your bet. Like I did. Don't lay your claim when you have not risked for me.

10. True love, above all. Things can be quite simple, really. Sometimes, we are so caught up in the web of our own complications, we think that things are too complicated than they really are. Let me break down the equation for you: if you really love me, if you are truly in love with me, then you fight for me. Not tomorrow. Not next month. Do it, right here. Right now. As they say, if it's true love, you do anything to fight for it, to have it, and to keep it.

Just my 10 cents worth.

I'm glad to have had this chance to be honest to myself.

And here's to more honest, peaceful Sundays.