Moments of stillness and silence

I’ve observed something both peculiar and familiar about me lately.

Peculiar, in the sense that this is not part of my ritual when I go home to my apartment after work.

Familiar, because it used to be what I liked doing.

I started reading again.

Intently at that.

I used to love the smell of books and libraries. Powerbooks in Greenbelt is Nirvana for me.

In fact, I buy books even when I don’t have the time to read them yet. I just like collecting them – knowing that when I need a dose of Candace Bushnell (of Sex and the City) or Paulo Coelho (of The Alchemist) or even the sometimes morbid and bizarre Gabriel Garcia Marquez (of 100 Years of Solitude), I have a stash in my library that I can just grab.

What’s notable here is not the resurrection of my prolific habit – but the deeper implications of my propensity to read.

I equate reading as a silent moment for me.

And I can only have silent moments when I am at peace with myself.

When I’m restless, I can’t focus on what I’m reading. Hell, I can’t even get myself to finish a chapter.

And restless I have been – for 2 years.

That’s why I can’t get myself to pick up any of my books.

That’s also the reason why up until now, I’m only into Harry Potter book 5.

For 2 years, I stayed in the thoughtless zone of surfing cable channels and watching movies and TV series on DVD.

I zoned out by flipping through the remote control. There was just too much noise inside my head and I tried to drown them out by the noise in the boob tube.

I don’t know how I managed to come in full circle… but a month or so ago, there I was --- reaching for Paulo Coelho’s The Devil and Miss Prym.

I even bought myself a new reading lamp.

From then, when I go home, I would go to my room, turn the air conditioner and my lamp on, read and enjoy a warm cup of hot chocolate or skimmed milk.

What convinced me that I finally regained the peace of mind I have been yearning for a long time:

- Even if I drink too much coffee, I can still sleep soundly at night. With the lights off.

- I used to need to down a couple of glasses of Pinot Noir before I feel sleepy. Now I don’t. I’m actually feeling saturated from red wine right now that I’m shifting to cocktails.

Sleep.

The unmistakable sign of peace and stillness.

And I have God and the Universe to thank for it.