Demented thoughts from night’s past


What she said haunted me until the wee hours of the night.

“i have very different ideas about being in love and love itself....being in love is a sexual response....it's the desire to end loneliness....it's supposed to be fleeting.....love is the reason you stay in the relationship even after you [have] so called fallen out of love....”

I must agree with her. I have always been a firm believer that love is a choice – to stick it out with someone after the butterflies in the stomach have already subsided. I have long distinguished between falling in love and being in love.

I must say, I fell for her. I’m not sure if it’s just a strong attraction or love. I just know I have fallen. I can’t speak for her, but I know what I felt was reciprocated.

Then our conversation led to honor, faithfulness and fidelity. It was like a reinforcement of our pact, that dance as we might close to flirting and passion, we can NEVER go beyond friendship.

Nevertheless, we still talk about us, how we can stay faithful with our chosen halves, how we can restrain ourselves from falling deeply into each other, how we should just remain friends and how we can still see each other while ignoring that burning desire.

But isn’t it just another convenient set-up for both of us? Come to think of it, we have become free in expressing our thoughts and feelings for each other without the guilt brought about by the actual consummation of an affair.

It has become a safety net that we both created to deter ourselves from wandering and to continue, according to her terms, being “good” and “true.”

Yes, such convenience that it does offer.

Such agony as well.

We can never touch each other. We have to consistently ignore emotions for each other, and repeatedly remind ourselves that there is no future in it for us.

And I have to constantly tell myself, you have fallen for her, but you love someone else.

Of stalkers, flowers and homosexuality
in response to ramit's post

Please allow me to indulge in my very favorite capital sin - vanity - as I write a reply to one posting on my message board.

Wow! I can't believe some people are reading my blog. I never thought some would consider it interesting, as I tend to bore myself at times.

Thanks for the post, ramit. You might want to tell me your blogger, if you have any so I can pry into it as well. I value fairness, you know. Hehe.

The message board wasn't really my idea. It was Jovan's. My blogger was spawned by selfish reasons - to talk about myself, rant and rave about things, write about thoughts that might get me in trouble when spoken or written offline. Reading reactions to what I write wasn't really part of the plan. Not that I don't care about what others think. I don't want my opinion to be tainted by others', most specially regarding things I hold sacred. Yes, I am that stubborn and opinionated.

Reading my blog isn’t synonymous to stalking, ramit. Perhaps it would help me track our common friends if you tell me who they are. Were you talking about Camille – as in Littlefoot’s friend?

I’m tempted to ask you – ASL please? Hahaha. But the question is so 1990s. It wouldn’t be fair as well since you only know me from my postings.

As for the flowers, I don’t mind receiving them but I’d appreciate it more if it were a book, a pack of cigarettes or gift certificates from my favorite boutiques. Hee-hee. I don’t mind giving flowers, though. I am generous in that regard – mixed colors for friends, red for lovers, and white for those I love.

Being bisexual has given me both pleasure and pain, to put it simply. I don’t really like referring to myself as one. I think I am a repressed lesbian [Hahaha. Good thing The Boyfriend doesn’t read my blog!], in the sense that I am more inclined to get attracted to women but for now I chose the heterosexual path. It is safer, more grounded and less complicated. Call me a coward for my choice, but it does work for me.

My Temptress referred to it as love transcending gender. I believe so, too, but some might assail me from glorifying it. I speak only for myself. I am out with my family, to my best friends, The Boyfriend and some officemates.

Yes, my attraction for women landed me in trouble. In high school I was almost stripped off of my honors because of it. My former lover’s mother literally tried to exorcise us – thinking that we were possessed by demons. Damn hypocrites.

Perhaps the bottomline for me was acceptance. I am not a lesbian or a bisexual – I am a woman who has made my own definitions. And a woman, who admittedly is in the middle of living life and learning from it.

Life is not a popularity contest. If you strive to be popular to everyone, you would end up feeling miserable and incomplete. As long as you don’t step on people’s toes, whatever people say shouldn’t really cause you sleepless nights.