Demented thoughts from night’s past


What she said haunted me until the wee hours of the night.

“i have very different ideas about being in love and love itself....being in love is a sexual response....it's the desire to end loneliness....it's supposed to be fleeting.....love is the reason you stay in the relationship even after you [have] so called fallen out of love....”

I must agree with her. I have always been a firm believer that love is a choice – to stick it out with someone after the butterflies in the stomach have already subsided. I have long distinguished between falling in love and being in love.

I must say, I fell for her. I’m not sure if it’s just a strong attraction or love. I just know I have fallen. I can’t speak for her, but I know what I felt was reciprocated.

Then our conversation led to honor, faithfulness and fidelity. It was like a reinforcement of our pact, that dance as we might close to flirting and passion, we can NEVER go beyond friendship.

Nevertheless, we still talk about us, how we can stay faithful with our chosen halves, how we can restrain ourselves from falling deeply into each other, how we should just remain friends and how we can still see each other while ignoring that burning desire.

But isn’t it just another convenient set-up for both of us? Come to think of it, we have become free in expressing our thoughts and feelings for each other without the guilt brought about by the actual consummation of an affair.

It has become a safety net that we both created to deter ourselves from wandering and to continue, according to her terms, being “good” and “true.”

Yes, such convenience that it does offer.

Such agony as well.

We can never touch each other. We have to consistently ignore emotions for each other, and repeatedly remind ourselves that there is no future in it for us.

And I have to constantly tell myself, you have fallen for her, but you love someone else.