My personal space

This blog.

It has been in existence since 2002.

Prior to this was another one which I started in 2000.

I have been writing and sharing my thoughts, feelings, dementia and neurosis online for the past 5 years now.

I enjoy lazy Saturday afternoons in my apartment, blogging about things both trivial and otherwise, while sipping a glass of my favorite French wine.

I love it more, when I try to space out at work and waste a wee bit of company time by writing updates and publishing posts.

Initially, it was only shared to very, very close friends. The ones in ABS, fellow blog-kadas. Best friends. The “circle of trust” only grew when other bloggers stumbled upon this and started including me in their “Blog-Worthy.” And when fellow bloggers started posting messages and writing me emails.

Thank you, people. I am very honored.

This space means a lot to me. It is my own.

I was willing to share it with the better friends in the bunch, because I trust them. I shared it with strangers, because anonymity gave me comfort. And a twisted sense of security.

This blog has been a witness to the people who came in my life and those who have gone. This is my sounding board for all the highs I felt, and the lows I experienced.

Past, failed relationships. Lost friendships, rediscovered ones.

But this was NEVER shared to lovers and loves – past, present and future.

I always felt that this was one of the very few avenues where I can share how I think and feel about things- uncut, unplugged. This is where I can admit that I am happy, I am hurt, I cheated, I was cheated on – unabashedly, unapologetically.

This is my own definition of freedom of speech and expression – where I will not be castigated.

My thoughts are my own. They shouldn’t be taken against me.

But B found it.

Call me stupid, but I actually had a hand in it.

B knows I write. And that I have been maintaining this. I never really told her where or how to find it.

But I left clues. Not very easy ones, but breadcrumb trails to find it.

And she did.

Thanks or no thanks to Yahoo.

Somehow, within my recesses, I know I wanted her to do so. I have never done this before – to actually open myself and be nearly transparent.

Right now, I am. Or at least, I’m trying to.

Perhaps this is a residue of my hang-ups – to want to do things better this time. To really share my life. To share me.

So B ---

Things may shock and awe you – even frighten you a bit.

This is me. My thoughts.

I still want it to be the same. Real. Uncensored.

And it will be.

I wouldn’t have allowed you to see if I knew you couldn’t handle it.

Welcome to my space.

Growing pains

Barely a week in it and we're already experiencing some bumps here and there.

Nothing big, really. What a pun - yes, it was more about Big.

It's mostly about issues that should have been left in the past. Or the better way of putting it is that people in our past should have been left where they belong - in our history.

My mistake really, was not giving enough reassurance and sense of security about where B is in my life. Not that there is really something to worry about. I was pretty much concerned with my own self-preservation. I somehow forgot that I should have considered hers, too.

Things are all good. Adjusting, but right now, life can never be better.

To B, thanks for understanding.

Thanks for tiding me over something and someone.

I may not say it all the time, I may not show you everything I feel. But you know how much you mean to me.

We will get there - just be more patient.

But so far, with you, life is good.

Anger management

I need to get this out.

I am angry. Resentful.

You should have given me more credit.

That I would have understood. That I would have been happy for you. For us.

Instead you chose the path of betrayal.

I felt you cheated on our friendship. Which I thought would stick. Which we decided to keep - regardless of our ending.

But thank you. For validating my presumptions.

I am angry. But I don't regret whatever happened.

Things will blow over.

I am angry. But I can't get myself to be angry at you.

17 Marks the Spot

I am officially with someone.

And it feels damn good to be!

I'm trying to be smarter. Better. Stripping off some of the biatchiness.

It's worth it.

And I shouldn't be screwing things up again.

So let's see if this one works.

After this blog, I will be changing my Friendster status.

Officially hitched.