I wrote this a few weeks ago, but I wasn't able to post it because of my erratic sched. Though I don't feel as intensely as when I wrote it, I still want to post it - as a memory of how I once felt for a good friend.

Colorblind

We have been talking incessantly for a week now. Well, we never lost touch, anyway. There’s always the phone – most of the time through chatting and text messages.

Last week, we had the chance to really talk and I confirmed something that has been there between us for a long time now.

Yes, he has been thinking and feeling the same things that sometimes kept me up at night and left me wondering.

Yes, we are friends, for real. But if we want to, we could cross the line.

What he said struck me: Consider it without finalizing.

And that left me wondering once again.

I call him my logical half. But he claims he is my best instinct half.

He keeps my balance. He helps me find reasons to my emotions. I make him feel the emotions to situations he tends to rationalize.

He makes me laugh. I trust him with key decisions in my life. He trusts me with how he feels, what’s on his mind – things that he wouldn’t normally tell just about anyone.

If I considered the possibility, if I considered him – I already did.

Sadly, I had to consider and finalize.

He is a friend and I love him. 80% of the time, I love him as a true friend, a brother. The other 20% is that high feeling when I see him, that sleepless night I spent trying to find out why holding his hand felt weird, good, comforting and uncomfortable all at the same time, that hollow feeling I have in the pit of my gut and in my chest when I don’t talk to him, that sadness I felt when he left.

But considering shouldn’t be an option for me. The next best thing is to put a closure – that final lid – to the remaining 20%.

I guess we are both right – no matter how we consider the possibility, regardless of the claim that life might just surprise both of us on what could happen, what could be – right now it doesn’t matter.

We will never know.