In full circle

I dreamt about you last night. In my dream, I was missing you terribly, wondering how you are now. I called all our friends, looking for you, taking my chance if they have heard from you after you went in the bootcamp.

Nothing.

I got more worried. I sensed that something was wrong. I need to know how you are.

Amidst the frenzy, my phone rang. It was you. You sounded anxious on the other line and as frantic as I am. You asked how I was and disclosed that you felt like there was a hollow block pressing on your chest and you were thinking of me. You were worried there was something wrong with me.

I burst into tears. I told you that I felt the same way, like there was something wrong and you needed me.

I was awoken by my alarm at 6am. There were tears in my eyes. They stained my pillow.

I couldn't get out of bed. My body felt numb and warm. I checked my temperature. As confirmed, I had a slight fever.

My dream about you was so lucid I am still worried until now.

When I got to the office, I had to call your best friend to check if he has heard from you. Nothing. He said I was probably one of the, if not, the last person you called before finally checking in for your training.

I am still hung up on the dream.

When you left again, I never thought of you on purpose. I never consciously looked for you, asked about you, knowing that it would be futile.

Now when I look back, I am realizing that you are the only one I run to when I seek for clarity. For balance, for logic. You are, like you claim to be, my best instinct half.

You were very impatient with indecisiveness, but tolerant of mine. You loathed aberrance and gray areas, but moved your paradigms to understand and accommodate mine. You were unforgiving of unfaithfulness but you accepted my indiscretions.

You accepted me for who I am.

Despite that, I had to run away. I was frightened that what we had was becoming too real. Too real for me that I had to make difficult choices - to stay in my comfort zone or leave everything else and take my chances on something true yet very uncertain.

We never had the chance, given our circumstances right now. And like you said, we may never know.

What's worse for me is I'm regretting that I may never know.

And that I have totally lost my chance to find out.

I was running away yet here I am, confronted by one of my greatest fears.

You.

Buddy, you are missed. If I could take that chance back, I will. And I feel sorry I didn't.