Lost as I was

Back then, things were so much simpler.

I had fine things in life. We can travel to places whenever we see fit.

I can shop whenever I want to. I had an emotional connection with someone.

I had love.

I had sense of security.

Now, things are different.

I have finer things. I can go anywhere, shop for anything.

Not because this was the path I chose for material reasons or motivations. I had the material things even before this. I can even buy the blings myself. It’s just that more is given now. Purely incidental.

I still have love. More intense, more passionate.

But I lost my sense of security. My sense of place in the relationship. Even my sense of self.

How very ironic --- I have never felt most loved yet I have never felt this unsafe, this insecure.

If you ask me, I don’t know if I’m better off.

I’m just as lost as I was.

I am not an insecure girlfriend. Yet, he managed to make me feel the most insecure – like in a snap of a finger, I can lose him. And I can lose everything that exists between us.

It hurts too much that I can’t even say it. Friends have been asking me what’s going on --- why these writings, why this sadness. Yet I can’t find the explanation.

Perhaps when the pain is too much, words will never be enough to capture the misery of it.

And I write here because I can’t exactly tell him.

To friends who have expressed concern, to those who openly ask --- Gemma, Charo, Arlene --- thank you.

To the women out there who carry the same burden and feel the heart-wrenching pain --- we all have reasons to grieve, to secretly shed those tears at night when nobody else can see or hear. We all have different kinds of crosses to bear.

Inner peace. Unrelenting strength. Inexorable courage.

We have them in us. May we keep them --- along with our faith.