When you know it’s drawing near

Before I left for Hong Kong and Macau, I still managed to go home to my parents’ house to visit Nanay.

Although I don’t get to visit every day, I make it a point to go have dinner with her and spend time with her at least twice a week.

Last night, I went home to see her again.

And she’s very different.

I know about the late-night episodes when she couldn’t breathe and she couldn’t sleep.

Her breast cancer is not painful but it’s making her lungs weak. It’s filling her lungs up with water that she has this wheezing sound whenever she breathes. Her stroke last year also hampers her motor skills.

Knowing about it is very different from actually seeing it.

When I saw her, she was pale. She still held my hand, but her grip is weaker. Her eyes are sad. And she looks very tired.

I don’t want to see her suffer. I don’t want her to feel any pain.

Over the weekend, I prayed that if the Universe is taking her away, then take her away happily and peacefully. Please don’t make her suffer.

She has served the family all her life. She doesn’t deserve it.

Nanay, I love you. You are the essence of who I am right now – my courage, my strength, my spirit. A large part of me, you made me who I am.

If you need to go, then you shouldn’t worry about us who will be left. We can manage and we will take care of the family.

But when you go, I hope you will remember.

I hope you won’t forget me.