Four Corners of Introspection

Written:
18 March 2008
1:17am

It took me some time before I finally got myself to write this down. This entry has been floating in my head for a couple of months already - just bouncing back and forth in the chambers of my consciousness.

I didn't realize that all I needed was an evening rid of Internet connection and social obligations which yanked me out of my usual trite and trivial routine. Thank God for the solitude.

Normally, this is a year-ender for me - my attempt to take a few steps back and evaluate what my life was like for the past 365 or so days. Yes, I am a Plato believer. "The unexamined life is not worth living."

This time, it took me the entire first quarter to digest what I have been through - unintentional or otherwise.

A roller coaster ride - ridden seven times non-stop - is the way to describe how 2007 was like for me. The highs were the ultimate highs, an apex that I have never reached before.

I have never worked the hardest ever, in the history of my career, and successfully reaped its benefits.

I attended THE conference of my usability engineering career. After 6 years of just fantasizing about it.

I met the founding father of my profession - in flesh and blood - shook his hand, asked him to sign my book and allowed myself to be a goo-goo eyed geek fan girl in his presence. For physicists, it's akin to meeting Albert Einstein. Chanting now: I'm not worthy. I worship the ground Jakob Nielsen stands on.

I continued my passion for further studies, I learned another language. I went back to school to finish my Masters Degree.

I traveled to places where I wanted to be. Hail to the late Anita Roddick. "Travel is like university without walls."

I fought for and won true love. I believed in its existence. Felt and tasted how real it is.

I reconciled and forgave my Father.

My younger sister came home.

I welcomed 30 with the biggest and happiest birthday party I ever had, surrounded by tried and tested friends.

I have accomplished almost everything in my to-do list.

Feng Shui-wise, I was supposed to be unlucky, but I actually fared better.

Yet Fate will not allow me to have it all - for a reason.

On the other hand, the lows were also the most heartbreaking... tormenting even. They were the most abrupt and humbling nosedive. If it were possible to die several times over and live again to suffer the pain of more deaths, then I did exactly just that. There came pain and darkness that I have never gone through before.

I hurt and lost a dear friend. In the pursuit of true love. I will always remember her as one of my crutches during darkest moments and one of my cheerleaders in my finest hour.

I never realized that true love entailed so much hard work, sacrifice and selflessness. I won the war - initially. I lost it over and over - for not wanting to give up who I am, for trying to be true to myself. The heartbreak took its toll on me. I never thought I can feel this exhausted.

I lost my Grandmother - after almost a year of courageously battling stroke, diabetes and breast cancer. 80% of who I am now is because of her. That is what I said in my eulogy. Her passing away is one of my greatest fears, my Achilles heel. Her memories never fail to bring tears. Even as I write this. Because a great part of my core is her. She is who I am.

2007, in my history, is written in blood.

It is monumental.

It is the year I finally saw clarity.

And realized my personal legend.

My destiny.

I don't have a good ending for this, because I don't know how things are going to be. Nothing is cast in stone, as Fate and the Universe both will it to be.

I sailed through the first quarter without a lot of expectations --- but I continue to hope.

Quo vadis, 2008?

I have no fucking clue.

But I got a very good feeling...