Life's blessings in disguise

October 27. 

Today, if things went according to plan, it would have been our wedding day. 

Big and I. 

Since the Universe seems to have a different agenda, here I am, fresh from scouring the streets of Binondo with friends while stuffing ourselves silly with Chinese food.

While Big --- is in Hong Kong with his brand new spankin' car, Oscar. I will miss Bud. We had happy days. Oscar, I will never get to know. 

New lives. Same people. 

A lot of my friends ask me why I'm not mad at him. Why I'm not enraged with what he did to me. 

I just can't get myself to.

I was never hard-wired to harbor anger in my heart for a long period of time. I feel it's a poison that will run through my veins that's likely to transform me into a person that I wouldn't want to face in the mirror. 

I have not obtained absolute happiness, but despite the twists and turns to the story of our lives, I can say that I am happy. I have joy in my life.

To Big: may you find happiness in your life that I was never able to give. May you find that sense of security and assurance that a person like me cannot provide. 

And to Me: Girl, hats off to you for braving it through. For gritting your teeth and marching forward despite the crushing pain in your heart. For not being cynical. For still believing. For keeping the faith and gratitude that life requires for survival. For giving love another chance. For believing that life is beautiful --- it only depends on how you look at it. 

And this day will be etched in my memory --- not because of the pain that it brought me, but because of its significance. 

There is always hope for the flowers. 

And I never believe otherwise.