Angry

...is what I am.

I'm angry at you.

For making me feel I have no options.

Because you took them away from me.

Fame!

Remember my name
Fame

I'm gonna live forever
I'm gonna learn how to fly
High

I feel it coming together
People will see me and cry
Fame

I'm gonna make it to heaven
Light up the sky like a flame
Fame

I'm gonna live forever
Baby remember my name

You better.

Of Pinoys, striving for excellence and pwede na mentality

With last week's hostage drama that shook the Philippines, I am re-posting Erwin Oliva's article on Yahoo's FTP.

Among everything that was written about the hostage drama and the recent Miss Universe pageant, I'm quite affected by this article.

As a Pinoy who graduated from UP, it was instilled in our minds to always strive for the best. In my entire stint at the state university during my undergrad and graduate studies, it was drilled in our heads that coming from the bastion of freedom and academic excellence, it was natural for us to be the best that we can, to loathe mediocrity, to never settle.

Even before my university days, I was raised by my Mom to over-achieve. A little bit of slant in my penmanship and my notebooks flew out of our house's window. Second best was never an option.

I feel strongly about being pwede na. I was never pwede na. I've always pushed myself to the limits and I've seen many of my batchmates, my colleagues and my friends do the same thing.

Yes - we are all Pinoys. My core friends are Pinoys. No matter how many expat friends I have, no matter how many countries I go to and live in, I am Pinoy. To the core. No matter what.

And no --- I don't subscribe to pwede na mentality. Never did, never will.


Why there's hope and the 'pwede na' mentality

by Erwin Oliva

I’m writing this opinion piece as a direct reaction to a Huffington Post article on the recent hostage crisis and Venus Raj’s supposed blunder in the concluded Miss Universe pageant. One question was posed, as this article ended: How much are Filipinos demanding of themselves?

Mr. Wagner wrote: “I came to the conclusion that in spite of all the things the Philippines has going for it, its people didn’t demand enough of themselves, or of their government. Political apathy and a willingness to accept a low common denominator of performance have taken their toll on the psyche of the Philippine people.”

I’m teaching now at the University of the Philippines. Apart from imparting lesson on how to write for a popular audience, I’m sharing values and life’s lessons. Every writing exercise also aims to build confidence. From these exercises, I’m hoping to drill the point that they should strive for excellence.

Once I was asked why I decided to teach. My reply: I see hope in these kids. That may sound corny, but it’s true. There’s nothing more satisfying than knowing that after weeks of sharing lessons in writing, they will also realize I’m future-proofing them. I learned this lesson the hard way.

I made mistakes—but there was none that I would have regretted. So this would explain Venus’ “major, major” answer that has been turned into a running joke. At such a young age, Venus sees hope. So when asked what was the biggest mistake she has done in her life, and what could have she done to correct it, she didn’t pick a specific incident. We all make mistakes in life and we learn from it. No regrets. In my book, that’s an honest answer to a very difficult question.

Reacting to a post I made on Facebook about the HuffPost article, Filipino journalist Luz Rimban thinks that “even when success should be within reach, we often don’t ensure it, or don’t set ourselves up to succeed. It’s not just the ‘pwede na’ [That’s good enough] mentality. It’s the lack of competitiveness, the absence of the fight-to-the-finish, all-or-nothing mentality that drives others to be the best they can be. Filipinos just make do. But the situation is different when Filipinos go abroad, however. Nag-iiba na mindset nila [Their mindset changes].”

On August 23, 2010, the world watched a desperate former policeman take hostage of innocent tourists in Manila. As I watched events unfold, I felt sadness and anger. For a country wanting hope, this is another black-eye. The day-long hostage drama ended in a bloodbath. The next day, Venus who was touted as one of the top Ms. Universe candidates supposedly choked when asked a difficult question. Somehow, some local and foreign observers connected this event to the August 23 hostage fiasco.

Is this a reflection of the Philippine society? Do Filipinos love shooting themselves on the foot? Mistakes are repeated, giving out the impression that we don’t learn from history? Sad, but it’s true.

Jojo Ayson, another Filipino who reacted to my question on Facebook, offered this opinion: “As a general rule of thumb, we should all demand more from ourselves and strive to be better. I agree that we have to demand more from ourselves in the situation and not continue with a ‘pwede na’ attitude. Even if things did go better there is always room for improvement. That said, regardless of where you stand on the level of competency displayed I think we can all agree that we could have done better. The key is in striving to be better. If we had that attitude then we will no longer fall victim of ‘pwede na.’”

Indeed, Filipinos do demand from themselves a lot. Our pursuit of excellence is reflected in our sheer determination to survive the onslaught of negative forces shaping society. I saw this during Ondoy where unsung heroes thrived. The country witnessed this when the people toppled a dictatorship in 1986. I was there when Filipinos decided to boot out Estrada from government.

And who can deny that Manny Pacquiao is one shining example of the Filipinos’ pursuit of excellence. He epitomizes the Filipinos’ struggle to become the greatest in what they do.

In a recent lunch conversation with a friend who read a draft of this piece, she offered this insight: our pursuit of excellence is relative to our situation. For most Filipinos living in poverty, finding a decent job to pay for a decent meal drives them to demand more from themselves.

Overseas Filipino workers decide to leave their families to work abroad –sometimes in harsh conditions – to provide them a better future.

One would argue that the abovementioned examples are natural reactions to situations where government has failed to provide jobs for its booming population.

The Filipinos’ psyche is indeed intriguing, as Mr. Wagner pointed out in his article.

“If the Philippines wants to get its act together and live up to its potential, it needs to demand more of itself. It can achieve this by stopping making excuses for its failures and ending its acceptance of the lowest common denominator,” Mr Wagner posed.

If you look at Philippine history, we Filipinos have risen to the occasion many times over to topple a dictatorship, to boot out corrupt government officials, and correct a misdirected government. In short, we’re still hoping to change for the better, and if it takes a lifetime to achieve that, then so be it.

I don’t expect changes to happen overnight, as world histories have taught me. But it is clear from our vantage as Filipinos that hope is not so far off. Not everyone accepts the lowest common denominator, and we’re not going to make any excuses for our law enforcers’ or even media’s failures.

LV me, baby

Number 1 sign that I'm super stressed:

I'm looking at Louis Vuittion and Chanel bags online.

Here I am --- staring at a Chanel lambskin backpack and an LV Damier Duomo.

Sigh.

This is what stress can do.

Happy birthday, Arlene!

Beb, Happy Birthday!!!

Just like you, my celebration this year will be quiet, too.

I hope you're happy. I know you will be happy.

I wish things will get better and that you will find peace and your True North.

Thank you for being with me through and through.

For the next birthdays to come, I know we will be there for each other.

Cheers, Beb!

Official

I now feel like I'm an official employee. And that I have really settled here well.

Yesterday was our payday and for the first time ever in my 3 months here, they deposited my salary to my local banks.

And I got my rupiah allowance on time. :)

Happy, happy, joy, joy!!!

Goodbye, Big

I’m so done with the Carrie stint.

After more than four years, I’m done.

It’s one of the most difficult things that I’ve ever done in this lifetime.

It’s also one of the bravest.

I know not everyone can walk away from a relationship that is no longer working but has become a comfort zone. The thing is, he is not just a comfort zone to me.

He is the love of my life.

When people used to ask me who the love of my life is, I fumble in the attempt to give a name. After a string of relationships, how can I not have one?

Yesterday, I walked away from the love of my life.

I’m grateful that I was given the chance to have met The One, to have experienced to fall in love with The One.

But whoever said that you will end up with The One is a fool. No such rule is written.

Because The One also broke my heart into a million pieces. I’m not even sure if I can ever pick them all up and glue or sew the pieces together one by one. I’m not sure if I can ever fall that madly, deeply in love again.

But I’m walking away.

I don’t want to be kept at an arm’s length anymore.

Goodbye, Big.

It was a mélange of pure bliss, happiness, tears and pain.

You were worth it.

But I’m done fighting.

It’s my turn to be fought for.

The Bitch weekend

Evelyn - a Pinay colleague and friend - formed this BBM group she fondly named The Jakarta Bitches. It's just 5 Pinays here (yes, including Madison) who gets together regularly for the Saturday salon day, Wednesday movie night and the usual dinner and drinks.

Yesterday, I went to Kleo-Fazio salon with Madison for my usual hair creme bath treat and her mani-pedi. The hair spa here is fantabulous - the scalp and back massage lasts for a good one hour. It's one of my not-so-cheap thrills to tide me over very stressful weeks.

After the salon session, we got together with Evelyn and Leah to watch Salt at the Premier EX. I'm not over the Inception hype so although Salt was good, it was a so-so movie for me. No cognitive processing needed so it's all good. Liv Schreiber's role was a dead giveaway of the ending, though. Whoever thought of the casting, hello???

Today, the Jakarta Bitches will all trek to the Four Seasons for our champagne brunch. The Jakarta Bitches Convention - as Jen puts it. Hahaha. Thus, the need for me to wake up early today (on a Sunday at that) to do a bit of work since I'm foreseeing I'm gonna be too wasted this afternoon to even think about usability standards.

It's been a great weekend, so far. I'm loving it.

So looking forward to the champagne and foie' gras in a couple of hours.

This. is. life.

Overloaded.com


Mid-week.

I slept with my slides last night.

10 meetings today.

Board presentation at 8am. I did the pitch and we got approved.

All the channels need standards. All of them needed them yesterday.

I’m undermanned and dear HR has not made the offer to my selected candidate.

I am pagod.com personified.

But I’m happy. I’m content.

Aylavet!

It’s tiring but it’s all worth it. At least, I’m breaking my back doing what I really love.

Dua bulan

Two months...

Time flies by really fast. I can't believe I've been here for two months already.

It's the first of August --- one of my best friends' birthday is coming up. Bar exams is on the horizon in September. When October comes, I'm turning another leaf.

Time flies, it really does.

This year, for the past seven months, I feel though that my time was well-spent.
It's been tiring, it's been hectic.

But everything is all worth it.

I do miss Manila. I wish I can come home. But I wanna rake in lots of moolah so I can party-hardy in December and go on that Cambodia trip that I've been dreaming of for the past 2 years.

So Jakarta is where I will be for now.

It's been surprisingly amazing, though.

Not bad, Jakarta. Not bad.

You've been treating this lady very nicely.

Blast from the past

This is really weird.

Right smack in the middle of a hectic Tuesday, I got a YM message from the Bad Boy high school ex-boyfriend of more than a decade ago.

Bad Boy Ex is asking me for help.

Yes. Me. For help.

Of all people.

He needs me to bail him out of a financial mess.

We became friends several years after I forgave him when he cheated on me and got our high school bus mate preggers. Yes, this was in high school. When I was still in Manila, I was usually his 911.

He got me to open the door for him during drunken nights. He got me to be the oh-so cliche' shoulder to cry on. I even brought him home at 5 in the morning when he didn't want to go home to his family. Yes - I was his voice of reason and conscience. At least I tried to be. I guess, I was being messianic, despite what he did to me.

I was the "in case of emergency" at some point in his life.

But he never asked me for financial help.

I know I am THE last person he will run to. So if he is running to me now, it means he's really desperate.

Pop quiz: Do you extend a bit of financial help to an ex-Bad Boy flame who claims he wants to change for the better?

Grain of salt, grain of salt.

After all these years, though, I'm keeping the faith that some day, one day, he will come around. For his own sake. And his 3 daughters'.

Jakarta files: Random Sunday musings

Ever since I landed in Jakarta, Sundays became the default day of respite. I never really rested on Sundays when I was in Manila.

Well, for one, my driver needs a day-off. Blame it on the expat lifestyle that you can get quickly accustomed to here, but I feel lazy going out if Pak Karman is not with me. I know. Katamaran, isdatchu? Spoiled brat, isdisme?

More importantly, though, work is really tiring. Tiring – is the understatement of the month. Despite the reality here that offices close their lights and turn off their LAN connections at 6:00 pm, our work doesn’t end there. Either we continue meetings until dinner time at Loewy or we bring work home.

It helps a lot that I love what I’m doing. I’m back doing usability and portal management. I wanna kick ass doing both. It does entail long hours - lunch and dinner meetings to boot.
With this, I officially declared Sunday as my quiet time in the apartment when I can catch up with favorite TV series (Chuck! Chuck! Chuck!) or talk to my friends and family in Manila.

This morning, while waiting for Ana to arrive for my house clean-up, I decided to re-skin my blog. New updates deserve a new look.

Plus, my comment enabler Haloscan was bought out by a greedy company who wanted to charge USD $10 to continue the service. Hell no! ‘Won’t spend a dime for social networking that’s supposed to be FREE. Hello, Echo? What the hell were you thinking???

Anyways…

Aside from being uber hectic to ensure my smooth transition to Jakarta, Facebook was one of the culprits why I updated less frequently (another understatement). It’s easier to just drop a line or two there for updates.

I know. That excuse is a total cop out.

And so my blog quest continues…

For now, I shall enjoy my quiet Sunday.

Jakarta Online: Of moving on and going back

What difference 3 months can make…

A new job. A new apartment. A new country.

It’s literally a new life for me.

4 more days and I have been in hiatus for exactly 3 months already. I needed the time to adjust –find my own place and move in, learn the ropes of my new role and become more familiar with the culture and people.

Plus, as excited as I was to share the news, I didn’t want to do a preemptive strike until I knew that the plan was no longer a mere blueprint. I had to make sure it’s already real.

Yes, friends. I am back.

I guess it’s more apt to say that I’m back. And moving on.

I have been in Jakarta for almost 2 months now. I accepted an expat post in a growing and progressive telco here. The new job actually requires me to go back to my professional roots and first love: portal user experience design and usability.

Jakarta welcomed me with open arms.

Contrary to the horror stories of some friends and colleagues who have been assigned here, Jakarta has been a delightful experience for me.

Love the food, the people, the office culture. I love the lifestyle!

What can I say?

Thank you, Universe, for the new beginning. You definitely have a way of making it up.

Brace yourself, Jakarta.

I am sooooooo back in my element!

Thank you

Dear Universe,

Thank you for conspiring in my favor.

Thank you for the stars.

Let me make it and see this through.

A.

The debut of ze Cocoon

I flew in to Singapore several days before ze Big. After we checked in at the Mandarin Meritus Orchard, he made me open the closet to show me what the previous occupant allegedly left.

And there she was:

A big, lovely Chanel box...

for me.

Lily Allen is the face of the collection when it came out in late 2009, as Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's.



My Cocoon is a black-red reversible. And it debuted in Singapore with me last week.





Thanks, R.. for my advance A. gift. I truly appreciate the effort of braving the reserve list just to get it for me. Like I said --- I'm good - bags or no bags --- just as long as things get better. I won't ask for more.

Singapore-bound

In 3 hours.

First time that I'm going on a trip without concrete plans.

At all.

Majorly busy that I didn't even have time to make an itinerary.

Except for Universal Studios and champagne brunch at the Fullerton.

Madz - bahala ka na sa 'kin.

Soliloquy on an early Friday morning

It’s a necessary evil – this 7am Friday morning routine. I was too much in a hurry to get my new car almost 5 years ago that I didn’t bother to check when my coding day was. Too bad it fell on a Friday.

It’s going to change this year, since I’m scheduled to get a new car in October. Note to self: no more Friday coding. More note to self: I really want a blue Mitsubishi Strada. I’ve always wanted to have a pick-up truck. Another note to self: either spend to personalize car plates or spend one-time, big-time on MMDA exception.

I’m no morning person. It’s aggrandizing for me to wake up at 5am to get to the office by 7. The silver lining is I get quiet moments to have an unstructured monologue with myself whilst the office thermostat and fluorescent lights are still off.

A lot. A lot is happening lately. But mostly, they’re good stuff so I can’t complain. Work has been uber erratic and busy. Just this Wednesday, my boss and I spent 7 hours straight attending meetings, sans lunch break. My brain was fried afterwards that I just wanted to go home.

My Blackberry Curve was finally issued. I have been stalling this for months but it was a futile attempt. A well-meaning soul fast-tracked my unit and my BB activation in 3-days time. God bless her, but God bless me, too – I have a 4-hour turnaround time to reply to emails requiring my decision on things. It doesn’t help that people in the office got used to emailing even in the wee hours of the night. Crackberry, you are addictive.

On the friendship front, I’m seeing my ladies tonight. Desiree’s back from down under and she’s hosting a wine and steak dinner. No steak for me – I’m still on my 30-day no pork, no meat challenge. Good thing Gemma will cook me tuna pasta. Yey!

No, the shift to a pesco-vegetarian lifestyle wasn’t difficult for me at all. I thought it will be. I love angus and I love Charlie’s burger. I’m not a big pork fan, though. Yes, I also strictly adhere to the Lent practice of a no-meat Friday. Come on, Lent is what? 40 days? Give it to Jesus Christ, for crying out loud. It’s good for managing cholesterol, too.

My meat abstinence will end on the 23^rd, but I intend to take it until the Holy Week. Come Easter Sunday, there’s the full intent to feast on meat at Fullerton Singapore’s champagne brunch (Wanna join, Madison?).

Speaking of Singapore – this is my cue to run errands this weekend. Get Madz’ CDs, DVDs, have rolls of lomo films developed (hers and mine) and research on restaurants. R. wants his humongous chili crabs on day one.

Beijing and Cambodia are still very elusive. Frustrating. I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel for Cambodia. I just need to check the flights to Singapore in August and how low they can go.

R.’s birthday is 2 months away. I am racking my brains out on what birthday present to buy. It’s quite a challenge to give gifts to someone who practically has everything. This is a yearly dilemma for me. It’s a nice-to-have problem, though.

Oh, and yeah – I have a glam job offer that’s willing to wait for me until the end of this year. The question is: do I want it? While it’s utterly flattering to be considered for the post, I don’t think I’m up for a mean girls type of work environment thick of politics and rumors. The offer sounds enticing but I love my job now. It’s not perfect, but it’s going somewhere. I love my team (how many times must I say that?). Plus the ultimate deal-breaker: should I even consider a new post, it’s definitely Hong Kong or bust.

Those are my unfettered thoughts on a sleepy Friday morning. The Universe, so far, is treating me kindly.

Can’t complain. Life is good.

(in)Toxic(ated)

This whole week is astoundingly BUSY.

Tuesday felt like Thursday already. There were A LOT of meetings, design sessions and design templates to finish.

Stressful? Not really. From the toxicity of October-December, things have mellowed down a little bit. Workload is still heavy, but my team has adjusted to it. I adjusted to it.

I'm just lucky - and glad - that my teammates can be on top of things without my constant breathing down their necks.

It's been a very productive week.

I'm mighty proud.

Hong Kong...

I miss you.

Immensely.

I miss the stores. I miss the hole-in-the-wall restaurants in Hau Fook Street.

I miss that ramen restaurant inside the HK airport.

I miss Ben and Jerry's ice cream.

I miss partying at Lan Kwai Fong.

I miss my friend Marlz.

I miss the crowded streets smelling like dimsum.

I miss the fasyon. Gawd, I miss wearing knee-high boots.

Hong Kong, I shall conquer you again.

Very soon.

Last 2 minutes

I've been trying to book plane tickets for my Holy Week vacay since Friday morning. We're really not the clientèle for budget airfares (I wish we can be) because we can't pin down our schedules months, months ahead. A month's worth of planning for a vacay is already advance notice in both our books, since both our work schedules are mega-erratic (no, not mega-erotic. hah.)

And his mode of traveling and vacay is spur of the moment, pack and go, now na. Deadma on how much the tix are. He's probably forgetting that I'm earning Southeast Asian salary - and he will kick me for saying this because he's picking up the travel tab, anyway. Kahit na - doesn't hurt to pinch a penny here and there.

No more Beijing PAL flights until April 15.

So goodbye Beijing. For now.

'Ain't giving up on you, though.

So I'm opting for a more familiar territory. It's one of the places I go to frequently - but we've never been there together. And knowing us --- there are more places to discover when we travel in tandem, because we're both adventurous in food and party places.

Plus, Universal Studios is a-openin'. That was actually what sealed the deal for R.

Me - I'm just happy that it's going to be our first time together there. And that I will get the chance to see my friends, too.

So yes, I can't wait.

Sorry, Madz - you have to take me in again for the first 2 nights. But join us for dinner or Friday night partey. Take us somewhere cool. Hahaha.