Christmas spirit, please. Not Christmas rush.

I couldn't get myself to write anything here for a month now.

I've been incoherent and inconsistent for the entire month of December. It must be the Christmas rush and the nostalgia (or is it the trauma?) of December last year.

A few of my random thoughts:

1. December 9-13, 2004 - the longest 5 days of my life. The process of breaking up with Ariel was very painful. A year has passed. I still revisit the pain. I don't think I will ever heal completely. From being hurt. And from knowing that I devastated someone who truly loved me.
2. One year - after I purchased my first car from my own savings and got myself flat broke in doing so. I just had to do it. To redeem myself, my pride. Some women cut their hair or go on a shopping spree after a breakup. I bought myself a car.
3. I'm glad I have finally recovered from the financial crisis that my car purchase caused me. And I'm glad I can again buy gifts for my family, loved-ones and friends.
4. Romantic relationships and their maintenance come easy for some people. Not for me. It always means double effort (compared to others) and a plethora of difficulties. Am I really that complicated?
5. Family. We really can't choose them. Despite the pain, the responsibilities that were passed on to me, I care for them deeply.
   
6. Emotional maturity and self-sufficiency. I thought I will never come to this point because I always felt I needed someone to put things in perspective for me, to give meaning to my life. Of course, to have someone and share life with them makes a whole lot of difference. But I also realized I am not afraid to choose solitude if it happens to be the better option.
7. Compassion. Despite my own temporal pain and grief - there are others out there, hurting more than I do. Truth of the matter is, I should be counting my blessings. Because I had loads this year. Instead of focusing on me, myself - I have to be a daughter, a sister, a friend and a partner - someone who will extend love and compassion to those who need them.
   

Can I just say?

The younger lesbian generation is a better-looking bunch. Back in my exclusive party days, it was the usual butch-femme categorization where the guy-looking dykes pair up with the femmes.

Nowadays, you will see a more androgynous version of these butches - still having this boyish bearing but more feminine - more open to tank tops and make-up. Gone are the clutch-toting dykes. And the butches - though still butches - are good-looking, worthy of a second look.

Grabe, ang gaganda ng mga lesbyana ngayon. Hail to more choices!

Isn't it ironic?

This morning, I woke up extra early to have time to go to the carwash. Zara badly needs some good ol' scrub.

A few minutes after driving out of the carwash, it rained.

Oh well. There goes my P125.

Current Top 10

1. B. The ultimate proof that the best of things come to those who wait. Everything that I am looking for. Still driving me nuts with her jealousy, but drives me crazy with all our funny antics, quiet yet comfortable moments. Still lingering on those sweet and honest mornings. And her hot cup of coffee before I shower.

2. Current state and frame: Happily, mushily in love but still very grounded. Still with a justifiable dose of fear and paranoia but at the same time cutting myself some slack. Yep, I’m going to take care of it this time.

3. Spoiled rotten. By B. And she does it well – spoiled enough for me to feel pampered, but not too much for me to not appreciate it anymore.

4. Still your not-so-usual feisty bitch. I doubt it if I’m really the Godmother of Bitches, as Gemma claims. But thank you for the flattery. I know for sure there are others bitchier than me. I just know when and where to be one.

5. A walking paradox. I am. I’m capable of giving heaven or raising hell. Depends whether you’re a good person or otherwise. I can be a social maven one time or may decide to lock myself in on another. I can be very active outdoors or may decide to be a couch potato for two days, just watching re-runs.

6. Neither lesbian nor straight. For someone who has strong women and lesbian politics, categorization is a very cruel injustice.

7. FF. Stands for Fantastic Friends. I have an arsenal of fiercely loyal friends. As I am to them. I will be eternally grateful.

8. Balanced. I’m rarely judgmental or overly-critical. I give people credit. And benefit of the doubt. But I'm very opinionated, too.

9. Shane. I’m so in like with Shane – Katherine Moennig’s character in the L Word – right now. If I didn’t have a girlfriend, I would have stalked her in LA already. Hahaha!

10. Grateful. Blessed. For all the good things happening and coming my way. Life is good!

MBA - Modified Behavior Without Awareness

My officemates would hear me grunt and complain about B's incessant phone calls.

Romy calls us Sun Cellular - 24/7, unlimited on the phone.

But she's in New York right now.

And we're 12 hours away from each other.

She's asleep, as I work. She starts her day, as I end mine.

Gawd, I miss her. Like crazy.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.


Thailand. Sawasdee!

'Been to Thailand with B for 5 days last week.

Fab! Fab! Fab!

It was a mix-mo of fun, fights and bloopers. And awesome food that made me forget the word "diet."

And got a wonderful tan, too!

Pictures to be posted on the next blog.


Welcome, Zara!

No, not the Spanish brand of clothes.

I meant Zara, my new tango red Honda City 2005 car! Woohoo!

She was delivered to me last Friday. She's just soooo pretty!

Romy went with me to pick her up in the parking lot. She's so gandaaaa!!!

She's got 6 speakers, too. Fab, booming bass. My hip-hop CD collection got resurrected.

Romy gave me glass plates for my plate cards. His birthday gift. Salamat, Direk!

Happy, happy, joy, joy!


Long-lost old friend

Migs is an old friend from college.

Last week, my office landline rang. It was him. Asking me if it was really me. Well, duh!?!?

Turns out that we are in the same building. And yes, we are working for the same company.

He reminded me of who he was. For the first few minutes, he didn't ring a bell.

Then, he went like, "Migs, as in with eyeglasses. Masscomm. We used to hang out."

Then it occurred to me. Damn! He was that nerdy guy I used to hang out with at the Music Hall! I used to have this little crush on him. Yep, had a penchant for nerdies/dorkies but cute guys that time.

We had coffee this afternoon. He's married now. So I had the surprise of my day when he blurted out he used to have this big crush on me even before we got intro'ed in our journalism class. He used to see me walking and hanging out with my snooty college friends.

'Said he was trying to find me all these years. He lost my mobile number, I moved out. The rest is history. Maybe he's pulling my leg. Maybe he's not. I've always known him as a nice, sincere guy.

Oh, well. Another case of "too late the hero." Some people are meant to be just that: college crushes.

I neither feel bad nor sorry about it. If we dated, he would have been another casualty. And I am happy where I am. Spell HITCHED.

My personal space

This blog.

It has been in existence since 2002.

Prior to this was another one which I started in 2000.

I have been writing and sharing my thoughts, feelings, dementia and neurosis online for the past 5 years now.

I enjoy lazy Saturday afternoons in my apartment, blogging about things both trivial and otherwise, while sipping a glass of my favorite French wine.

I love it more, when I try to space out at work and waste a wee bit of company time by writing updates and publishing posts.

Initially, it was only shared to very, very close friends. The ones in ABS, fellow blog-kadas. Best friends. The “circle of trust” only grew when other bloggers stumbled upon this and started including me in their “Blog-Worthy.” And when fellow bloggers started posting messages and writing me emails.

Thank you, people. I am very honored.

This space means a lot to me. It is my own.

I was willing to share it with the better friends in the bunch, because I trust them. I shared it with strangers, because anonymity gave me comfort. And a twisted sense of security.

This blog has been a witness to the people who came in my life and those who have gone. This is my sounding board for all the highs I felt, and the lows I experienced.

Past, failed relationships. Lost friendships, rediscovered ones.

But this was NEVER shared to lovers and loves – past, present and future.

I always felt that this was one of the very few avenues where I can share how I think and feel about things- uncut, unplugged. This is where I can admit that I am happy, I am hurt, I cheated, I was cheated on – unabashedly, unapologetically.

This is my own definition of freedom of speech and expression – where I will not be castigated.

My thoughts are my own. They shouldn’t be taken against me.

But B found it.

Call me stupid, but I actually had a hand in it.

B knows I write. And that I have been maintaining this. I never really told her where or how to find it.

But I left clues. Not very easy ones, but breadcrumb trails to find it.

And she did.

Thanks or no thanks to Yahoo.

Somehow, within my recesses, I know I wanted her to do so. I have never done this before – to actually open myself and be nearly transparent.

Right now, I am. Or at least, I’m trying to.

Perhaps this is a residue of my hang-ups – to want to do things better this time. To really share my life. To share me.

So B ---

Things may shock and awe you – even frighten you a bit.

This is me. My thoughts.

I still want it to be the same. Real. Uncensored.

And it will be.

I wouldn’t have allowed you to see if I knew you couldn’t handle it.

Welcome to my space.

Growing pains

Barely a week in it and we're already experiencing some bumps here and there.

Nothing big, really. What a pun - yes, it was more about Big.

It's mostly about issues that should have been left in the past. Or the better way of putting it is that people in our past should have been left where they belong - in our history.

My mistake really, was not giving enough reassurance and sense of security about where B is in my life. Not that there is really something to worry about. I was pretty much concerned with my own self-preservation. I somehow forgot that I should have considered hers, too.

Things are all good. Adjusting, but right now, life can never be better.

To B, thanks for understanding.

Thanks for tiding me over something and someone.

I may not say it all the time, I may not show you everything I feel. But you know how much you mean to me.

We will get there - just be more patient.

But so far, with you, life is good.

Anger management

I need to get this out.

I am angry. Resentful.

You should have given me more credit.

That I would have understood. That I would have been happy for you. For us.

Instead you chose the path of betrayal.

I felt you cheated on our friendship. Which I thought would stick. Which we decided to keep - regardless of our ending.

But thank you. For validating my presumptions.

I am angry. But I don't regret whatever happened.

Things will blow over.

I am angry. But I can't get myself to be angry at you.

17 Marks the Spot

I am officially with someone.

And it feels damn good to be!

I'm trying to be smarter. Better. Stripping off some of the biatchiness.

It's worth it.

And I shouldn't be screwing things up again.

So let's see if this one works.

After this blog, I will be changing my Friendster status.

Officially hitched.

Ber

The "ber" months are here.

Two significant things:

1. my birthday
2. Christmas

For these coming months, I only wish to have a happy birthday and a wonderful Christmas.

I had a blast on my birthday last year, which was spent on the beach with The X and two of his best buddies. I just need to topple that. Create new memories.

Last Christmas was awful - The X and I broke up on the 11th of December. I had to buy Anita Gray (car) two days after, which I paid off in cold cash!

I'm usually the "generous one" during the holidays, buying gifts for all my friends and loved-ones. But last year, I didn't buy any for friends. I only bought gifts for the immediate family.

Two reasons: paying cold cash for a car isn't easy. Wiped out almost my entire savings.

More importantly, Christmas spirit last year, for me, was ZILCH.

Imagine losing a significant other during the holidays. This is one of the worst things that can happen. And it already happened to me twice! This last one is by far, the worst.

Right now, I can only hope. But things are looking quite positive:

1. I might be getting a new car. Although I don't want to replace Anita Gray yet, I am being pressured by Boss to get my car benefit already.

2. I am going to Bangkok and Krabi, Thailand by the end of this month for another break.

3. I have a budding relationship with someone. Although we have not discussed whether we are officially together, I think it's getting there. The good thing about this is that the person came in the most unexpected of time. And things are all good.

Birthday is a month and a few days away.

Christmas, 3 months and a half.

For now, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Don’t Make Me Fall

When I saw you
I marveled at how beautiful
Your eyes were
There was depth in the way
You looked at me

The way you gazed into my eyes
As you listened, as we talked
About things trite and mundane
You captured, you mesmerized
You bore into my whole being

Days, nights passed
You seduced me by your persistence
Charmed, caught unaware
You disarmed me with your
Undaunted consistency

Days, nights don’t cease to fly
And I find myself in awe
Wondering how you effectively
Let yourself in me, in my life
In my independence

You were too compelling
Too convincing, ever forceful
Even for my conviction
To stay in the comforts
Of my own solitude

Now that you are here
Is it too late?
To give you a forewarning
Of what may come, of what is not
Is it too late for me to stop?

If you’re not going to stay
Then let me be
If you’re going to leave
Then don’t make me fall
Don’t make me love you
In any way at all

The Drama of Hello

Nearly a year of introduction
That never really started
Always in different places
Engaged in our own proclivities

Perfect timing was your ally
Distance your foe
With fate’s twists and turns
And some universal conspiracy
We see, finally

And the introduction wasn’t theatrical
No hype, no superfluous buildup
A sincere handshake
The his and hellos, things customary

No complications as you see
Wining, dining, waxing philosophical
The conversation and connection
Were both shallow and deep

As we saw fit, a second rendezvous
It deserved
To know more, learn more
If it was cosmic and ethereal
Or grounded and real

And as we both tread
In the usual process of prologues
And eventual overtures
We see, we realize
The non-complexity of initiating

The drama of hello
Is not in the beginning
It is in the certainty
That with every hello we speak
Is an adieu in the offing.


--- For Bea.

Thank you for making me appreciate both life's simple and complicated pleasures.

And for making me realize what bliss it is to believe in perfect mornings. And hot coffee.

Paradise

Here are the long overdue photos from Palawan when I hied off to the islands with Big.

Get well soon, Shrek

Jovan has been sick for the past few days.

Hang in there, Big Guy.

We're all praying for you. And we're here for you.

I hope you'll feel better soon.

"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."

- Oprah Winfrey

Revisiting

We used to write a lot of letters
Seven pages is not even enough
The emails would go back and forth
What did I call us?
I likened us to the modern-day version of
Griffin and Sabine

We burnt phone lines
Walked the park together
I chose your cutlery
You asked my take on the
bordeaux glasses you purchased

We bought the wine cooler together
You helped me pick out my pink Zara jacket
I chose your black leather desk mat
We picked up the paintings you had framed

Imagine how we would converse
For hours and hours on end
How we fascinated each other
By stories of our lives

Imagine how much we marveled at our differences
And yet found a lot of common ground

And yet here we are now
Slowly losing the bind that we
used to be fiercely protective of
What is happening?

We are sync
Intellectually
Spiritually
This amazes me and fascinates me
To this very day

Yet here we are now
I feel a huge gulf between us
You have to let me in
And you have to try

I feel nothing
I want to feel hurt
Or sad
Anything
Just to feel something

And I hope when I see you this weekend
I will find myself and the way I feel
Just a few weeks back

Can we just go back to where we left off?
Rekindle
Revive that connection we had
Because we have it
Undoubtedly

Let you and I have a change of heart

Damper

In four days, I will be seeing him again.

Big and I are flying to the islands of Palawan. I already made the payments (which he sent through wire transfer) this morning to my travel agent.

But I am not too excited about it.

Major reasons:

1. He is just being too English. Now I fully comprehend what that really meant. He is being too forty-ish and a man of the world that he is - distant, with the most serious sense of personal space (hell, it feels like there is an entire gulf between us).

2. I am being me - crazily pursuing someone but getting tired when there are hurdles here and there.

I know there is a way to compromise. But how far? And who's supposed to budge?

I am so over the goo-goo eyes phase of being a hapless, hopeless romantic. And should I go back to being one, given that who I'm dating now is a serious pragmatist?

No definite answers, really... so I'm taking Hag's Fag advice: stay put. Test the water. Enjoy the experience.

More than just a show

Last night, I watched Live AIDS with myGlobe officemates. Not everyone was from UP but there are very minimal requisites to appreciate Live AIDS:

1. love of fun
2. appreciation of gay sense of humor
3. a bit of knowledge of gay-speak and culture C TV and radio ads

I wasn't surprised to see UP Masscomm batchmates and friends onstage. A lot of the guys from my course were members of Samaskom.

So we cheered friends and showed moral support by being a cordial and lively audience.

On my part, it was sort of a relief to see old faces. And I did have some sense of pride that these people have already come so far in terms of their career, yet still know how to look back and support "homemade" activities.

And I realized why I always feel comforted when I attend shows and concerts in the university. It's a simple reminder for me of how we were raised back in college, how we dreamt of things, how we envisioned what was supposed to be ideal.

I was never part of the "tibak" community, but I did subscribe to most of the UP ideals - to loathe mediocrity, to consider life as an endless educational stint [thus the encouragement for all of us to pursue graduate and post-graduate studies, law or med school], to maintain the passion despite the complacency that we tend to get used to when we are already out there.

I'm glad that I didn't miss out on this year's Live AIDS. To see old friends. To breathe the old UP air.

It was a very simple reminder for me to continue questioning truths, despise the lack of vigor, to re-ignite my passion and what I used to believe in.

I didn't stop believing. I just had to be reminded to do so, once again.

Turning British, I really think so

Because of Big, I now:

1. Visit Yahoo UK regularly.

2. Read about UK politics, including:
- Tony Blair
- the European Union

3. Watch Star News to get updated on the London bombings and who won the rugby.

4. Keep watch of what's happening with Prince Charles, Camilla Parker Bowles, Prince William and the rest of the Monarchy.

5. Say the following words:
- trousers when I mean pants
- bloke when referring to guys
- bloody hell instead of whadafuck
- fag instead of cigarette

NOT because I want to turn Brit, but because we do talk about these things. And I both need and want to know.


Turning Pinoy, oh yes, I think so!

1. He likes San Miguel Pale Pilsen. Among all the kinds of beer ALL OVER THE WORLD.

2. He craves for crunchy sisig.

3. He now reads and watches CNN News to know the ruckus about the Gloriagate scandal and when GMA will declare a last-minute work holiday again.

4. He is learning how to send long text messages and can now tolerate lengthy SMS exchanges.

5. He closes his email with "Ingat ka."

:-)

Happy.

Recovering the lost

Dear God,

Now that I realized the importance of something that I took for granted for a long time, can I please have it back?

"Fab is not for me."

I greeted him, "Have a fab Sunday."

And the reply that I got: "A nice Sunday will be fine. Fab is not for me."

How did you know that it isn't? You haven't even tried.

Or if you did, perhaps you didn't try hard enough?

How can you say I didn't and couldn't compromise?

I wanted to throw everything in your face. I tried hard. I compromised. I did. If you think I didn't appreciate your effort - then how come you didn't notice mine?

How can you say fab is not for you? And how can you just realize it wasn't - after almost four years of having it?

The English translation of it:

"A nice, simple girl will be fine. A high-maintenance biatche' like you is not for me."

Lookie!

Where I stayed in Singapore.

Big's apartment

How nice to cuddle on that big black sofa!



My morning sunshine room

The sun wakes me up every morning.

Before I left, I had to take a last look at my room while I'm looking forward to returning very, very soon.



View outside my room

Hills Apartment, Hills Avenue near Bukit Timah


Pool for 2

When you look down my glass window, you can already see the pool.



Can you blame me for wanting to stay longer? Or for not wanting to leave at all?

Gross violation

Exactly 2 months...

...of not blogging.

I know! I know!

I'm so sorry. I have no valid excuse.

Blogger screwed up my message boards. One day - they were gone. All your messages for me that accumulated all these years. Gone!

Then the work sched was too much.

Flew to Singapore.

Met Big.

Yes. My Big.

Sincerest apologies - I don't practice what I preach - to keep content fresh. To never announce that a site is under construction.

But folks, my blog is currently being "renovated." As I'm not left with much choice that I've gone through my old html codes but can't figure out WHYDAF%&# my message boards disappeared.

Does this blogger even have an audience still?

Anyway - thank you for those who sent email and for those who perennially bugged me to "Hey, update your friggin' blog or I'm taking you out of my blog circle!!!"

EJ, Bitchina is up and running once again.

Standby for Singapore pix and more chica, sound-offs and what-have-wes.

Just one of 'em days...

When I just want to go home
lock myself in my apartment
and brood incessantly
drown myself with sauvignon blanc.

Don't cross my path today.

Making it up

Finally, I can blog in peace!

Almost a month now in the new company, work has been up to my ears already! I have been working 12 hours per day on the average – what with expanded tasks and more responsibilities. ‘Couldn’t rant much, though. They know how to take care of their people.

In fact, we were even given additional days-off. When a public holiday falls on a weekend, the company gives us an additional day off that we can avail of within the month.

Within three weeks they also gave me a mid-year bonus. Who am I to complain, right?

They also gave me a new laptop – with all the gizmos that I want in it – multiple card reader, blue tooth, WiFi, a humongous internal hard drive, VCD-DVD player and burner!

Beautiful!


Crazy

Call me crazy. I don’t really care.

I am flying to Singapore in June.

To meet up with Big.

For a date.

He invited me to go with him and shop since it’s going to be the Great Singapore Sale from May 27-July 18. But the GSS is just really an excuse for me to go. Yes, I love Zara and I’ve been eyeing this particularly nice dress but that’s not really the point why I want to go.

I want to check things out.

I’ve never seen him in a romantic light since our context and interfaces before have always been connected to work.

But we’ve been talking and I sense a really very strong connection and rapport. So if I feel there’s something when we see each other – well and good. If there’s none, then I was still able to go to Singapore for the sale and have actually won a new fabulous friend who will let me stay in his apartment when I come and visit for trips!

It’s a win-win situation so I’m totally for it.

To make things more fun, Celia will be flying with me. We intend to raid the stores for the sale, go to the night safari and have a wonderful night of cocktails and clubbing!

I already booked my flight this week and asked Romy to give me a 2-day break – even if I have to slave for it for the next coming weeks. I don’t care if he makes me go to work even on Saturdays. I just need to go to Singapore in June!

So please walang kokontra. I really want this for myself.


Whatever happened to Him?

As for Him – the friend. A week before “the Big incident,” he somehow crashed into some sort of depression. [thought bubble: What’s with me and men? Why do I make them get depressed!?!?!]

I was trying to help him get through it – not as a potential girlfriend – but as a sincere friend who’d like to return the favor of being there for him as he was with me during my crisis.

However, he wanted to deal with it on his own. We both decided that he’s not ready and we can’t even contemplate on carrying on a romantic relationship. So we ended up where we used to be – good friends.

I had to take Jovan’s advice on this. He was brutally frank about it. But the advice was wise, sincere and practical. And the right thing to do.

The new Big

For being consistent...

For not being complacent...

For comparing me to Chanel...

For telling me not to compromise...

For saying that being high-maintenance isn't exactly bad...

For trying to find a phone card and a phone booth in Hokkaido - by merely using sign language since nobody speaks English - just to call me to say you can't email because your hotel doesn't have Internet access...

For trying to email me everyday - in between flights from Seoul to KL...

For making me look forward to June...

For making me look forward to everyday...

Thanks.

Surviving the first two weeks

I am now officially with the new company.

Better office, better team, better everything.

Work is hard, though. Everyone there works 12 hours on the average per day. But I cannot complain. Although there are gazillions of projects, the teammates are very supportive. They make sure I fit in. They also console me that everyone went through the same thing and felt overwhelmed during their first two months.

At least, I have less emotional stress. My boss is a good friend and a natural cheerleader to his people.

So bring it on! Let’s make great things possible.


DOM magnet

Romy introduced me to my girl teammates as the one who has this fantastic ability to attract men in their late 40s and early 50s.

Our former boss in Malacanang almost propositioned me to have an affair with him. He would invite me for dinner or drinks, but I always politely declined.

When I was still with EYP and I had to test some applications in Powerbooks, Pasay Road, I received 5 bizcards – all from DOMs! There was even one guy who removed his wedding ring before he approached me. All the 5 who gave me their cards invited me for dinner.

Helloooow!

I am slowly realizing that I have two markets: 1. good guys – too good that they are likely to be square and 2. men in their 40s or 50s, single, married or divorced.

My market no. 2 are not all DOMs, though.

Very recently, I had dinner again with one of the regional head honchos from my previous job. British, divorced, in the 40s or 50s age range. It started as a casual dinner with friends and former officemates. It was very polite and cordial.

The night ended with a text message from him thanking me for having dinner with him and seeing him again. I responded politely.

I was surprised to find, in the following Monday, an email from him in my inbox. I never gave him my email address, but he said he got it from one of the documents that came from my former PR Officer. The email was lengthy – discussing what happened to him after his visit in Manila and his trip back to Singapore.

We have been exchanging emails from then until now. I’m quite surprised that he goes out of his way to send me long emails despite his parties, visits from one country to another and the long hours he devotes to work.

Whether I am interested or not is something that I have yet put my finger at. The fact that I’m writing about it maybe an early indication that I am.

Let’s see.

Un Momento

One moment of peace and quiet. Manila is so serene during the Holy Week.

For two consecutive years, I spent the Holy Week in Lucena with The X. Spending it in Manila now is something I welcome.

I had all the time to gather my thoughts to do some writing, watch all the movies I like on video, be with my Mom and Grandma and just stay home to vegetate.

Soooo good. I wish I could extend the Holy Week break. Though I'm excited to move on to THE new company and work with my new team. Woohoo!


Him

It woke my blogger up - what with the messages posted by friends about the Good Ol' Friend. Chegay, yep that's him.

Nothing is concrete yet, though. I don't want to be unfair so it's better to take things a wee bit slower this time.

Which reminds me, I need to pack after blogging. We're spending the weekend together to get some tan under the sun!


The Buddy in Afghanistan

Spoke to The Buddy this afternoon. He is bound to be flown in to Afghanistan. He was somewhere in Kyrgyzstan - you know - one of those "tan" countries (Uzbekiztan, Tajikistan, Kazakhstan) which were all difficult to pronounce.

I wasn't as worried as before. Late last year, I was freaking out that he will be deployed in Iraq or Afghanistan for his tour of duty. I decided not to be a damsel in distress over a knight in shining armor trying to save the world from the Taliban. Plus, I realized, I wasn't gonna subject myself to the agony of being his stopover girlfriend. I'm just not into that.

We're still good friends. I still love him... a lot. And we will always, always be good friends. But if it wasn't meant to be, then I'm really not gonna force it.

Who knows what could happen, though? So what's best right now is send him a care package and support the US troops in the Mid East!

Friday coming out and staying in

Okay fine. I'm coming out and coming clean.

Yes - I'm going out with The Good 'Ol Friend. For my ABS friends, yep - that's him. Most of our friends from the same circle were actually quite surprised. Both Jovan and Yasmine think it's a weird match. That was actually a euphemism and an understatement.

We are so from the opposite sides of the world.

He's too quiet, I'm too loud. I'm a party butterfly, he's a wallflower. He's structured, I'm spontaneous. I'm impulsive, he's calculating.

He's too conservative and I'm...I'm...duh...conservative and I will never be in the same sentence (except this one).

Yeah, yeah. I know friends think it's crazy. Maybe it is.

But I like it...

...that he's still four inches taller than me even if I'm wearing stilettos.

...that it doesn't matter to him that he needs to drive for 2-3 hours because I want to go to the beach. And despite his hip injury now he still wants to do this for me.

...that he researched about the annual hot air balloon festival because he knew it was my dream. And he actually took me there.

...that he drove to my office before going to work (despite the horrendous traffic and despite the fact that he's already running late) just to give me KFC for lunch because our cafeteria is being renovated.

...that last night, he bought me that acoustic CD that I liked to make me feel better because I was upset about something really so trivial.

...that he takes good care of me.

I'm not really sure where this is going, but perhaps it's about time for me to actually admit that yeah, I do like him.

And like... is another understatement.

So there. It's out. Whew.

It feels nice to come out. And stay indoors on a Friday for a cozy night and movie marathon.

I guess Emer saw this one coming.

Yummy Spring-Summer must-haves

The joys of looking forward to a new job...

...includes window-shopping and eventually buying new outfits!

These are my fave eye candies and Spring-Summer I-gotta-have-'em stuff:

1. Ericsson p910i - a mobile phone and PDA in one. It looked so good! 'Saw this in a friend's mobile phone warehouse.



2. Gap khaki jacket - will go well with my pink undershirts. Lovely!



3. Kenneth Cole blue faux croc leather shoes - open-toes for the spring-summer. These will look good with denim or office pants. But local Kenneth Cole shop doesn't have these yet. Asar!



4. Kenneth Cole orange satchel suede bag - it's so nice to look at. But Robbie, my new PR, is discouraging me from buying it. Aside from the bag being $270, it's suede. Good luck in cleaning it!



Sigh. These are really fantabulous items. But sheesh - I can't afford them right now, though I think I'm going to invest in that Kenneth Cole shoes should I see them being sold locally already. As for the mobile phone - I'm hoping I can get this baby for free.

Breaking the silence

I haven’t written anything for the past month.

Not that there wasn’t anything significant that happened. Truth is, I was working on another major life decision and I didn’t have the liberty to discuss it until everything was finalized.

Yep, I didn’t want to preempt anything. Thus, the code of silence until it was very definite and there was already something concrete on the table.

So…

Finally, I am moving on to another company. I will be starting with them in April – woohoo!

It’s exciting since I’m going back to the industry I love and I will be doing things I was doing before I got into cosmetics and beauty (not that I didn’t like make-up and all the pampering of beauty products). The company I will be in is very stable and formidable – one of the top 5, in fact.

I will miss my discounted make-up, clothes, bags and kikay stuff. I’ll definitely miss my press launches, events and wonderful media friends.

But I’m definitely looking forward to a new mobile phone and most likely a new car (it’s part of my benefits package but I’m having second thoughts on getting a new car since Anita – my ever-reliable City – has a strong sentimental value).

Goodbye to the glamorous yet stressful life of being a marketing and PR lady.

Hello to a familiar yet competitive and also oh-so toxic IT and telecom career.

The geek girl is back!

One honest morning

It's a humbling experience.

To feel, to realize and to admit - that there are mornings - no matter how good they are, that I still miss you.

And I wonder - how are you now? How's life been treating you?

It's tempting to wish for someone or something back. Or to just want things to be the same again.

But I know this isn't for me. It shouldn't be.

So for both of us --- cheers.

I wish for both of us to be happy. To heal.

I wish for you to find The One. In time.

May she look at you and see you in the way I saw and found you a few years back.

Basic Instinct

Isn't love and intimacy instinctual?

To hold someone's hand. To embrace. To kiss.

To long for someone.

I always thought it was a primordial instinct.

The past few days and the recent experiences proved me wrong.

What's elementary to most people might be an unfamiliar terrain to some.

Talk about critical differences.

My Interstate 77

Two Saturdays ago, I had another red wine and movie night with friends in my apartment. Bobby lent me his disk of Interstate 60 – starring James Marsden and Gary Oldman.

It was a story about this young guy – James Marsden – who was confused about his future. This took him on a road trip heading to Interstate 60 – which apparently doesn’t exist on any map. From there, he had to make decisions crucial to finding his path.

The treatment of the movie was humorous and weird. But we all kinda related to it.

Come to think of it, all of my friends who I just recently had dinner or coffee with are all asking questions with the same bottomline: Where is my life leading to?

Where is my job, my relationship, my life going?

As this new year started, I was amazed and awed by the decisions I am forced to do. And get this – everything is happening to me all at the same time!

a. Current job with a lot of training, travel perks and brand exposure versus a job offer in the making, with higher pay, no Saturday work and with my old mentor as my boss.

b. Staying in my apartment that I furnished on my own versus moving to a bigger, cozier apartment with a good friend.

c. Waiting for The Ex to come to his senses or starting a new relationship with a long-time friend whom I’m starting to be “in like” with.

I have to make decisions very soon, but all the options are good.

Seems like I am at a crossroads again. Welcome to my own Interstate 77.

2005 Goals – Attainable or Unattainable


1. Find The One.
All things being considered, I realized I never prayed for this. I’ve always prayed for a successful career, or a happy family – but never to find The One I will fall in love with.

2. Seriously go back to school in June.
I don’t have to take on a full load. I just need to go back to school. Not to mention passing my subjects once again with flying colors.

3. Travel. And more travel out of the country.
Singapore again? Thailand? Bali? Doesn’t matter. I don’t care. I just need to get out of the country more often.

4. Hit the beach more frequently.
I love the sand. Doesn’t it just feel great to drink wine, smoke cigarettes and get so wasted while lying on the sand? When everyone else is woozy after the alcohol takes its effect, it’s just so nice to stare at the stars. And I’m off to the beach this weekend, woohoo!

Boracay in June. Bora, here I come!

5. More coffee sessions and long lunches with friends.
I am so proud of myself last year for being able to touch base again with a lot of friends – especially my college buddies. I intend to do the same thing this year.

6. Hot air balloon ride at Clark Field, Pampanga.
Dang, didn’t make this happen last year.

7. Replenish my savings.
I don’t know how I’d do this now that I’m taking care of Anita – my new car and Fed’s replacement. There’s just so many stuff to maintain! But having Anita is so much better than hailing a cab.

8. Wake up at 6am every morning.
So I won’t be late for work. So I have time to do my morning rituals. So I don’t have to go through the EDSA traffic now that it’s being repaired!

9. Go for the gold at work.
More kick-ass projects and brighter ideas for my Marketing team! Hell, this is one of the sure-fire ways for the regional office to take notice and eventually pirate me – hwehehehe.

10. Live life.
Elephant rides. Movies. Holding a friend’s hand. Doing something scary and nerve-wracking every now and then. Stop procrastinating. Run after that “high” and rush in everything that I do.

11. Kinder words. Kinder deeds.
Less of being a bitch – if I can help it. More patience. More random acts of kindness. Helping more, reaching out more often.

12. Being friends with The Ex.
Hard to admit, but despite all that were said and done – we were good together. And we were friends. It would be a shame if we’d end up like strangers when we shared so much.

I have other to-dos that are in my head right now, like living healthier, keeping promises, spending more time with my family, trying not to sweat the small stuff, attending to the more important and more significant things. My list could go on… and on… and on…

I guess, the bottomline is simple: outdoing myself. Doing better this year compared to 2004. And the perennial pursuit of the ever-elusive goal and desire of any human being walking this planet: happiness.

New Year, New Promises and Dreams, Triumphs and Heartaches
- and new ways of biting people’s heads off! -

Last year, as the year 2004 unfolded itself, I made a laundry list of things I would like to accomplish in 2004.

Let me copy-paste here what I wrote back then and see the things I’ve done and the rest that I failed to do (what do you know, there’s still 2005!)


Things I’d like to do/accomplish in 2004(From the mundane to the essentials, in no particular order)

1. Finish my master’s degree with flying colors, hopefully.

Nope. I have 3 more subjects to go. I actually had to file for LOA since I couldn’t handle both my school and workload anymore.

2. Learn how to drive a stick shift.

Yep, I did! And I actually bought one with the now Ex-Boyfriend and I was able to buy one for myself just last December. Ang ganda ko!

3. Go back to the gym and start lifting weights again. Damn, I’m gaining weight.

Yep, I did. But I haven’t been going for quite some time now because of my heavy workload. But I did lose weight. Going back to the gym even gave the added pleasure of meeting The Bad Boy and becoming really good friends with him.

4. Or, go back to dancing. I miss street jazz. I miss the dance floor and the ledge. Learn modern jazz.

Yes and no. I didn’t take dance classes but I rediscovered clubbing. Go Temple!

5. Start joining outreach programs again. My high school friends and I are starting on the 11th in Marikina. I’m excited!

Yes. Through company-sponsored outreach programs for street children.

6. Learn how to cook new recipes.

Nope. I couldn’t cook in my pad. All my clothes will smell like garlic. New recipe on the one hand, or maintaining my clothes on the other. I chose clothes!

7. Go to Cambodia and Bangkok with Mom in April.

Nope. But I did go to Singapore for both business and pleasure. Not bad.

8. Ride a hot air balloon in Clark Field, Pampanga.

Nope. But I intend to this 2005!

9. See more plays and go to new museums.

Yes to both.

10. More frequent random act of kindness.

Yes.

11. Spiritual retreat in June.

No. I actually suffered some sort of spiritual decline. But trying to get back on my feet.

12. Get my 40 vendor accounts at work. Uhmmm… can I die now?

Bizdev reached its targets, but right in the middle of the year, I was promoted and transferred to Marketing.

13. See my college friends more often.

Yep! And damn proud! I enjoyed the long Saturday lunches that lasted until 5 in the afternoon. I loved the coffee sessions with Niño and Panet.

14. Get to see The Buddy in August or September – in flesh and blood. Yeeeees!

A resounding YEEEEEEES! This is one of the most fab laurels and landmarks of the year. Put it this way: He came, he saw and he conquered. Wooohooo!

15. Heal. Mend relationships. Be at peace with myself. Talk to my personal God more often.

Yes, still trying to heal. Being at peace with myself is a constant struggle. Talking to God – I do it often, but it was very rare that I actually tried to listen.

Hmmm… not bad, huh? Not bad at all.

Up next: the 2005 conquests!

Happy New Year, everyone!