The year that was and the year ahead

The year 2003 is a combination of good and difficult times for me. Since it’s the 30th of December today, this is probably my last entry for the year. I intend to catch up on sleep tomorrow and cook for the family.

Strolling down memory lane, these are the landmarks of my entire 2003:

Biggest, most piercing heartaches
1. The OHSI redundancy and the break-up of the Web team
2. The Buddy left for the States and the need to accept that I just had to let go

Giant leaps
1. A new apartment
2. A new job and my career shift from IT to retail, from usability to business development

Biggest scare and greatest fears realized
1. The fear of being in-between jobs and not being able to find one just in time
2. That I may not be able to get out of one vicious cycle of my life
3. That I may not be the marrying type

Bravest things I’ve done
1. Moved out of my parents’ house right in the middle of OHSI’s redundancy/retrenchment
2. Laid all my cards out; allowed myself to become absolutely vulnerable to a friend by confessing my thoughts and feelings

Most coward thing I’ve done
* Failed to take the risk with The Buddy to consider a relationship beyond friendship just because I wasn’t sure it’s going to work out, because I was too afraid to lose the friendship and because I like my comfort zone.

Most unfair thing I’ve done to someone
* Shortchange The Boyfriend by feeling deeply for someone else

Most stupid and probably my biggest mistake
* Went out with someone I wasn’t supposed to go out with

Most flattering and heartwarming experience
1. To find out my feelings are reciprocated
2. To know that my former teammates appreciated what I’ve done for the company

Most stable and most comforting part of my life
1. The Boyfriend - despite my mistakes and my foolishness
2. My family

For the coming year, I am hoping that I will do better and become a more grounded person with a more defined character.

Let’s wait and see. 365 days can just fly by so fast.

Happy New Year, guys!

Engagement brouhaha

Jovan, pare! Congratulations for now being officially engaged to The Girlfriend. I'm so happy for you, man.

Actually, a lot of friends have been asking me when The Boyfriend and I are planning to get engaged. I guess after last year's trauma of me freaking out on the idea and scheming to fend it off, he hasn't mustered enough courage to ask again - hahaha!

But seriously, The Boyfriend is the ultimate husband material. It's just that for now, I want to enjoy his company as it is, without the pressure of being engaged. I can be happy for my friends getting engaged, yes. But mine is a bit far off for now.

There is this ONE major issue that I have to contend with before making that big leap. After getting through and getting over THAT, perhaps I can already have that peace of mind and certainty that I am ready.

As to how I will confront that ghost, I'm really not sure how or if I will ever have the chance to. That's actually the worst part of it - not really knowing for sure how it will have that much needed closure.

I wrote this a few weeks ago, but I wasn't able to post it because of my erratic sched. Though I don't feel as intensely as when I wrote it, I still want to post it - as a memory of how I once felt for a good friend.

Colorblind

We have been talking incessantly for a week now. Well, we never lost touch, anyway. There’s always the phone – most of the time through chatting and text messages.

Last week, we had the chance to really talk and I confirmed something that has been there between us for a long time now.

Yes, he has been thinking and feeling the same things that sometimes kept me up at night and left me wondering.

Yes, we are friends, for real. But if we want to, we could cross the line.

What he said struck me: Consider it without finalizing.

And that left me wondering once again.

I call him my logical half. But he claims he is my best instinct half.

He keeps my balance. He helps me find reasons to my emotions. I make him feel the emotions to situations he tends to rationalize.

He makes me laugh. I trust him with key decisions in my life. He trusts me with how he feels, what’s on his mind – things that he wouldn’t normally tell just about anyone.

If I considered the possibility, if I considered him – I already did.

Sadly, I had to consider and finalize.

He is a friend and I love him. 80% of the time, I love him as a true friend, a brother. The other 20% is that high feeling when I see him, that sleepless night I spent trying to find out why holding his hand felt weird, good, comforting and uncomfortable all at the same time, that hollow feeling I have in the pit of my gut and in my chest when I don’t talk to him, that sadness I felt when he left.

But considering shouldn’t be an option for me. The next best thing is to put a closure – that final lid – to the remaining 20%.

I guess we are both right – no matter how we consider the possibility, regardless of the claim that life might just surprise both of us on what could happen, what could be – right now it doesn’t matter.

We will never know.

Too small a world

Friendster has just made me realize that the world is just too damn small!

When I opened my Friendster this morning, I had a message from a long lost friend from high school. We haven’t been in touch for more than a decade now, only to find each other at Friendster!

I looked at our network and I wasn’t surprised that he was also connected to my other guy friends here in Manila, but I was shocked to see that he was in The Buddy’s list and in a friend’s husband’s list who is in Georgia.

I texted The Buddy to ask him about it. Since Sunday, we’ve been very surprised with how small our circle is. One of my ABS friends is an ex-girlfriend of his pal in Frisco, and now this high school friend of mine turns out to be a college buddy!

Some of my friends don’t know each other. In fact, they are so far off since some are here in Manila, others in the US. Nevertheless, there is always a networking of friends.

When I was in Thailand, a girlfriend who tagged along told me that it’s never safe to have a one night stand in Manila since everyone knows everyone. If she wants to have one, she said she’d have it in another country.

Heeh - I guess even that isn’t safe anymore, huh?

When Monday is not a drag

This is one Monday that I’m more diligent and excited than usual – that’s why I have to blog about it.

For almost 2 months now, I’ve been dragging myself to work. It’s not that I don’t like my job right now. In fact, I like it and there’s an 80% chance that I will fall in love with it given a few more weeks. The downside of it is waking up at 6am to make it to Ortigas at 8! I’m not a morning person. When I was working in Makati, my call time was 10am and I used to get up at 8.

Add to that the adjustment period I had to go through. Retail is definitely a different animal from a dotcom. My current CEO is the antithesis of my former CEO. What’s more, I report directly to him.

In my early weeks here, I had some difficulty reading him. I couldn’t get it if he was serious, if he was sarcastic or if he was trying to be funny. Because of that, I spent sleepless nights thinking of how I will present my concepts to him to win his approval. I was (and still am) working very hard to prove myself – that I deserve the position, that I deserve my title.

Today, I managed to write off 9 out of 10 tasks in my to-do lists by 2:30 pm. I am now working on finishing the last one. I’ve been very hyper since this morning and the people around me tended to conspire to give me that high feeling – the area operations managers being more helpful than usual, suppliers and clients easier to coordinate with.

Top all of that with a pat on the back from the CEO, with a remark that we’re about to roll out our big project because I managed to finish an important part of it. He also approved my manpower requests.

Ever since I started schooling, Mondays tended to disagree with me. So this is one Monday I will never forget. I’m just hoping this will go on for the rest of the week.

CEOs galore

Last Wednesday, I made my ingress again for another kiosk branch in Megamall. Hell, it was tiring! But the CEO treated me and the area manager for lunch at Cabalen, which kinda made it up.

We had the chance to somehow “bond” and clarify personal and professional expectations while smoking in the Mega parking lot (Yes, I cheated my quitting program).

This actually made me feel comfortable in my subsequent meetings with him. My discussions with him are usually one-on-one since I report directly to him and it was very uneasy especially when I had to stand my ground on certain issues. It was reassuring and a relief to find out, straight from the horses’ mouth, that he encourages deliberation.

Last night, my former CEO treated me for dinner, along with other former officemates. We were at Good Earth Tea Room, discussing my former company’s future and developments. It was good to know that there are improvements on that side of the planet.

What was more fun was that we went “person-bashing -” which is the next topic of this blog.

Vindicated

Our conversation last night digressed from work to the more personal and “meatier” stuff. We talked about the people in my former office. My former CEO is also a friend of mine – I don’t treat him as my CEO anymore when we go out, which made things more comfortable.

At one point in the tete-a-tete, I had to admit that I had a minor spat with a girl officemate who was running after The Buddy. She was your usual scheming-lying-bitch who wanted to go between me and The Buddy and who made snide remarks behind my back.

When we were still in the office, she was eyeing 2 employees, trying to win them with her pa-cutesy damsel-in-distress ploy. Puh-leeeeez. *eyes rolling*

I kept quiet about her schemes. Never even mentioned it to The Buddy. I gave him credit by trusting that he won’t bite.

Apparently, this did not escape my former CEO. He saw through her. So did our other officemates. We had the best laugh at her expense last night – with a mix of getting annoyed by her tactics, getting angry and at the same time feeling sorry for her.

I kept quiet all this time about it. Only the closest friends knew what really happened. But now, I heaved a sigh of relief. It wasn’t just me and my preconceived notions. I wasn’t just me being bitchina. It was really her and as former CEO put it – her personality disorder.

I am vindicated. TOTALLY!

26 feeling 20

Today, I am turning 26 years old.

When I was 19, I got depressed on the eve of my 20th birthday because I felt so old. Yikes!

No, I did not have that thing they called quarterlife crisis and I hope I am not speaking too soon. I still believe we experience all kinds of crises everyday so quarterlife crisis is such a misnomer.

Comparing my life last year until now, I can say I am a lot happier. I have managed to get my own apartment, be on my own and appreciate solitude.

I am less pressured about marriage since The Boyfriend needs to go to Syndey first before we even think about that. But I am glad, too, that I find recluse in him and we are more grounded, more stable and peaceful, yet extremely contented and happy that we are together.

A lot of things happened to me this year. I moved out, changed jobs, met new people, said goodbye to good, close friends. Yet I didn't lose myself. In fact, I think I know myself better now.

Funny, they say people get more jaded when they grow older. How come I am more hopeful and optimistic?

The most important thing is that I am happy. I feel blessed and grateful because I have true friends who are with me who make this nowhere-near-perfect life wonderful.

The Buddy connection

Yes, we still have it. That uncanny vibes when we are thinking of each other.

This morning, as I was plying Jupiter Street going to my office, I thought of The Buddy.

It’s been more than a week since we last talked. I had to text him. I asked how he was doing.

He replied: “Funny, I just thought of calling you.”

I texted again, told him it would be best to talk during the weekends. My sched is really tight during workdays.

Until now, it leaves me wondering how we reach a certain level of connection with a person that we are somehow able to anticipate or feel when they are thinking of us.

Between me and him, we always had it since the first time we met. We weren’t that good friends yet when told me via msn that he had a weird dream around 5 in the morning about how much he hated the people in the office and the only likeable person left there was me.

Believe it or not, at that same moment, I was in the car with The Boyfriend, passing by his village. We came from Lucena and we had to pass by Alabang.

At around 5 am, I was sleepily looking at the car window, wondering if he was at work or he was at home. I even made a mental note to ask him where he parks his car in the office building.

We had several weird “connections” like that. I’m just glad to find out that across the distance, we didn’t lose it.

In one intimate conversation that we had, he said there must be a reason why we met. We might not realize it now, but we will find out in the course of time.

I don’t even have to wait for that moment to come. I’m just glad that he’s still there.

Blessed to be stressed

I have been stressing and fussing over some of my to-dos for 2 weeks now. Of course, I’ve been ranting and grumbling and using The Boyfriend as a sounding board. The Buddy wasn’t exempted from my litanies as well.

The Buddy and I have been texting back and forth about how hard it is to wake up at 5:30 in the morning to be in the office by 8, yada yada yada. The Buddy’s work schedule back here was at 6am so I used to wake him up at 4 or 5.

So I didn’t get much moral support. I actually got more reprimands. There goes my 10 pesos per text message.

The Boyfriend, on the other hand, gave me a new mantra. Whenever I feel so bummed about my never-ending tasks, he told me to tell myself:

“I am blessed to be stressed.”

Nung una hindi ko ma-gets. Not because I am slow, but because work is really tougher now. I dream of it, wake up in the middle of the night thinking of opening a branch and remembering the exact colors of the store outlet. Admittedly, I dread going to the office sometimes because of the pressure.

I have several big pimples on my face. My period is delayed. I have dark circles under my eyes. Or sometimes I go to the office with puffy Garfield eyes for the lack of sleep.

It can’t be my new foundation that’s causing my pimples. It’s non-comedogenic. As for my period, I’ve been celibate and it’s highly unlikely for me to be another case of Immaculate Conception.

These are all signs of stress.

So pano ako naging blessed to be stressed?!?!?!

It only dawned on me when The Boyfriend also got so annoyed by my ranting and rambling. Baka daw kaka-reklamo ko, bawiin sa akin ni God lahat ng blessings na binigay nya.

Tama nga naman.

I asked – no, begged – for this job to be mine. I asked Him to give this to me so I can prove what I can do.

At 25, nandito na ako. And if I succeed in making and implementing the bizplan, I would have reached my self-imposed target. Doing so, I would have reached the apex of my career.

THUS, two years from now, I could get married already. Kahit ako pa ang mag-propose sa kanya!

So ano nga naman ang nire-reklamo at ine-emote ko?!?!?!

This is what I asked for Him to grant me: a new and challenging job that is right for me with a very good boss and mentor.

And true enough: Ask and it shall be given to you.

Binigay naman, eh.

Moral lesson of the story: Most of the time we are given the things and opportunities we ask from God. But He never said the road to these blessings and opportunities is easy. Perhaps it’s a bit hard for us to get there so we will rejoice in the triumph and appreciate His gift more.

Ganda, di ba?

Passing the initiation

Today, I opened my first satellite branch.

I made it through, despite the lack of papers, permits and funds. I somehow managed to find all those with the help of some angels around here.

One of the supervisors said it might have been one of the CEO's tests to find out if I can do it.

Hah. I did it.

And I'm hoping I'd still deliver the next ones.

Back to my other projects.

Lessons on resourcefulness and being Miss Congeniality personified

It's only my 3rd week here but I am running to and fro - mind you - in my new 3.5 inches high heels - from my office to Megamall then back to my office.

In 3 days, my primary mandate is to open a small outlet in a mall as a satellite branch. No assigned sales staff yet, no merchandise.

You think that's it?

I need to ingress before this week ends and the lease papers are not yet signed! The signatory will be here by Thursday but there should be a memo from other signatories who happen to be out of the country that the lease needs to be signed.

I'm rambling.

Wow - so kailangan ko ngayong mag-milagro na mapirmahan ang kontrata at makakuha ng deposit para mabuksan yung branch.

Thank God there are people in the office who take pity on me and who are geniunely concerned. They promised to help me find my signatories abroad.

Aside from all that stress, I am having fun. Contrary to initial impressions, people started warming up to me by half of the second week. I now car-pool with a manager-friend every morning so we can both save money on gas and parking.

How can they turn a very nice, friendly girl down? *blink* *blink*

And this morning, someone gave me taho for breakfast.

Kewl.

Coffee + me = serenity

That is actually a very paradoxical title since coffee is a stimulant. Coffee perks me up when I feel so bored and sleepy at work or when I’m studying.

But I am digressing.

It’s almost 2pm. I am here at Starbucks at the 5th (or is it 4th?) level of Galleria. I am waiting for a long-lost friend to show up. Our appointment is at 1:30pm. Last time he texted, he’s just on his way to his car so he’s running 20 minutes late.

My notebook and my café mocha are both keeping me company right now. - Wow - it’s been a while since I people-watched. When bored, this is actually one of the fun things that you can actually do – rather than text, bite your nails or stare in space.

It’s both relaxing and fun to watch people come and go. Or observe as they banter and kill time. Some are catching up with friends, while others are doing business. Some, like me, are armed with their notebooks and PDAs, typing and taking down notes for school.

As for me, I’m typing just to kill time. Still waiting for friend to come.

As I am doing this, I realized how much comfortable I have become to be on my own. I guess this comes with the territory of living on my own. I have come to appreciate myself, my company. I now actually welcome moments with myself, by myself.

I get to sort out my thoughts and feelings, digest what happened to me after a day’s work.

It’s funny when I go on a retrospective journey. Two to three years back, you wouldn’t catch me going solo. I would never go out on my own. My friends teased me as helpless. I defended it as being company-oriented. Hey, don’t blame me; I’m a social animal.

I am actually surprised at myself. And darn proud. I am surprised at my own confidence and degree of comfort to be in a crowd - on my own.

I think I’ll do this again this week. And next time, it’s not to kill time while waiting for a friend, but to spend quality time with me.

All in 2 weeks’ work

This is very different from the IT industry. I had to justify my need for a computer before they give me one. I have been bringing my laptop for 2 weeks now since I couldn’t stand not having my own computer (By the way, I got a Toshiba Satellite instead. Cheaper, more practical, same color as my Visor Prism and with all the features I need!).

Isn’t a computer a staple office equipment?

Sigh.

Despite the fact that my company is still in the Jurassic era in terms of computers and the Internet, my 2 weeks here have so far been very productive.

On my first day at work, I found out that a Filipina buys an average of 8 lipsticks in a year.

On my 3rd day, I was eating financial models and statements for lunch with my CEO. Now I know what those ROI, RRI and PNL stand for. And hey, I now know how to make them, too!

They flew me to a conference on my 4th and 5th day so I could learn the ropes of the new business channel I am supposed to develop.

Yes, they do not scrimp on the education and training of employees.

I have been spending a lot of time attending product trainings and store exposures. Half of it had been fun, the other half stressful, what with all the business and operation plans I need to write!

But ask me about those body butter and dry oil mist stuff – I know! Thanks to the product and training managers.

After 2 weeks, I have also developed a higher regard and deeper respect for store clerks, merchandisers and staff. They are more commonly known as dispachadoras – as popularized by that Annie Batungbakal song of the ‘80s.

You don’t know how tiring it is to stand all day and put up with the shit that some customers give them. If they break something in the store or an inventory gets lost because of shoplifting, they pay for it. And these are minimum wage earners.

Last Saturday, I went shopping for a new pair of shoes again. I was nicer to the guy clerk. Even went out of my way to look at his ID to know his name. I thanked him and addressed him by his first name.

He was surprised – but smiled sincerely – flattered that I did call him by his name.

Simple lang, di ba? Pero nakakaalis ng pagod kahit papano.

So if you guys think it’s all about kakikayan or how glamorous it is to work for a popular cosmetics, health and beauty company, think again. There’s a lot of brainpower, hard work and patience that come along with that lipstick or eu de toilette you just bought.

This is the only time that I have to update my blog. I was supposed to rant and rave about my new job and my new work but I stumbled upon this article written by Bo Sanchez.

It’s about happiness and how we have this crazy propensity to complicate our lives and overlook the simple things that can make us happy.

This is a source of inspiration for me this week so I just need to share it.

_____________________________


HAPPINESS
Bo Sanchez

I'm in Tagaytay right now and life is glorious up here. I was able to borrow from a friend her pretty house that sits right on the ridge - with a porch overlooking the breathtaking Taal lake and Taal Volcano.

It's early morning and the view is majestic. I breathe this all in as I sit on a nice wooden chair, in front of a tiny table -- where my coffee cup rests. Not a styropor or plastic cup, mind you, But china. So that it makes nice "tinkling" sounds when you swirl your teaspoon around.

Actually, I'm not a coffee drinker. But the entire scene "demanded" that I drink one. While I do this, I read a good, fat book. Ahhhh Why is life sooooooooo good? Life is beautiful.

If there's one thing that defines me, it's this line: I know how to get a kick out of life. Enjoying life is my master skill. I'm able to squeeze every drop of joy and blessing from the simplest, most ordinary experiences of each day. (Even the most painful ones! But that's another story.)

Actually, I don't need the Taal lake to make me happy. I don't need the wooden chair or the tiny table or the coffee cup. I don't need the good, fat book. I just need to be me - and I'm happy with me! I actually like my company!

Some people are very "iffy" about their happiness. "If I get a new job, then I'll be happy" or "If I get married, then I'll be happy" or "If I get a car, then I'll be happy" or "If I'll buy a house, then I'll be happy."

They've got one rude awakening coming up real soon. Because the truth is, if they're not happy now, where they are, they won't be happy no matter what happens to them.

Some people create elaborate, complicated sometimes impossible rules to experience happiness in their lives. Like "Unless everyone loves me and accepts me, I'll never be happy" Pretty insane, right?

Some have other types of complicated rules to gaining happiness: "I will be happy only if I'll be able to buy a BMW, wear an Armani, a Rolex watch.."

Poor creatures!

Others are such demanding lovers that they're doomed to always be unhappy in their relationships. They say "I'll be happy only if my beloved will wait for me 24 hours a day, think of me always, serve me attentively, and eat, walk, talk, breathe for me."

God have mercy on their loved ones.

My conditions to experiencing happiness are pretty simple:

If I breathe normally, I'll be happy.. If I feel my heart pumping in my chest, I'll be happy. If the sun shines today, I'll be happy - even if the sun shines behind storm clouds! If I'm able to smile, I'll be happy. If I'll be able to love someone in whatever small way, I'll be happy. And most of all, if God loves me, I'll be really happy. (When doesn't He?)

Haven't you noticed? I cheat on life. Because I make my own rule to experiencing happiness and I make them so simple, they're stacked on my favor.

I have a suggestion for you. Examine your conditions for happiness now.
They may be too darn complicated, you'll never be happy in your life.

Too bad.

Because life is too beautiful to miss out.

Pabati

Belated happy birthday, Mira!

Sabi ko na birthday mo, eh. Alam ko magkakasunod ang birthday sa ABSi around August and September.

Sorry late ang greeting.

Huli man ang pabati, bumati pa rin.

Hahaha!

Random thoughts and feelings

1. Overall, grateful.

For the dream job that has been given to me, for the redundancy pay I will be getting on Monday (Yeeey! Will now buy my Fujitsu or Compaq notebook), for the Divine Intervention in my life.

2. Blessed. With really great and true friends. With The Boyfriend.
3. Happy. That I have a good life.
4. Pretty contented. Not totally angst-free but beyond some of them.
5. Empty. I miss you, Buddy. Terribly. Despite the recent fight, I do.
6. Moved. That the Buddy went the extra mile to make it up.
7. Scared. That I will not measure up. That I am going to enter a new industry.
8. Excited. With the new job, with the forthcoming discounts I will have on make-up and perfume as part of my employment perks (woohoo!).

By the way, watch the MTV Video Music Awards tonight. Read from Yahoo that Britney Spears and Madonna French kissed.

Woah.

Woah.

Still can't get over it.

Woah.

Losing some, winning some


I am taking a break from the marketing plan I am drafting for my Korean client. And what better way to spend it but to blog after several weeks!


The worst job of my life

August 11-15: one of the worst weeks of my life. After working so hard writing copy after copy of the print ads and presentations for my CEO, our pay check was delayed. Two weeks after being the Project Manager of my team, he also fired one of the web designers I am working with.

There was a big incident in the office when the web designer mass-mailed everyone new in the office, divulging how the company delayed people’s salaries and imposed unreasonable office policies. The CEO found out about this but didn’t address the issue.

Restless and very concerned, I had to respond to the email, copy furnished to everyone, demanding for a dialogue between management and the employees.

We were assured that our paycheck will not get delayed and that the employee was disgruntled – thus the poison email.

Talk is cheap.

The test was for them to deliver the promise.

Unfortunately, it was all lip service. We didn’t get our pay.

I resigned right then and there – something that I didn’t regret doing since other employees are still running after their paychecks up until now. And to no avail.

What I have to say about it: what goes around comes around, man. And in full circle, it does.

If I was as evil as I was a few years back, I could have written all my friends both in the advertising and IT industry to spread the word on their horrendous labor practice, their inability to deliver the promised services to clients due to bankruptcy and incompetence and the questionable character of the owners.

I’m not gonna do it just yet. But I will if they don’t pay up all the employees’ back wages.


The sweetest triumph as redemption

I was so angry when this happened, knowing that I worked so hard and did my best.

But redemption came a week after. My DREAM JOB called me. The HR said I was scheduled to meet with the CEO and the President.

The interview with the CEO was very cordial and friendly. The President was another story. He grilled me and made sure I was put to the test – what with the 7am appointment and a 3.5 hours interview with him in the office.

Afterwards, I had to run in the restroom to break down. I’ve never felt so stupid in my life up until that time. I also felt that my integrity was being questioned, what with the bombardment of questions pertaining to my professionalism and values.

In fairness, he was an upright and intelligent man. The questions were reasonable but very hard-hitting. I had to really prove myself.

After the interview, I was so frustrated and almost sure that I didn’t make it – after what I’ve been through during the application process (6-7 stages!).

Two days after, I got another phone call from HR, asking me when I can report for work. I have an appointment with the HR director and the CEO tomorrow to discuss my package, terms and the date I can start working.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-LLELUJAH!

True enough, the Powers That Be made this triumph a lot sweeter for me. I really hope this is it.

Top 10 things/people/situations that make me wanna light a stick

10. Coffee. Brewed coffee.

9. Free Mild Seven from Josh during planning sessions. Josh, stay away from me! Please keep those packs away.

8. Drinking sessions in general. It's hard not to smoke while drinking.

7. Get-together with AS friends. Sila ang may sala kung bakit natuto pa kong manigarilyo at tumambay ng 4-5 oras sa AS lobby.

6. Birthday parties with high school friends. Mga alcoholic, yosihero at yosihera.

5. Thinking of the uncertainties in life.

4. Getting stressed out in school.

3. Getting stressed out at work.

2. The Bestfriend. Waxing philosophical with him, planning our Asian trip, getting pissed off and angsty about our jobs, our partners, life in general.

1. The Buddy. When we are on the phone for 6-8 hours. When we bicker and argue and bicker at each other. When he is being himself - proud, arrogant and chauvinist.

Looking at top reasons 1 and 2, I realized: Sabi na nga ba papatayin ako ng mga lalake sa buhay ko eh.

But then again...

The only reason why I quit smoking

The Boyfriend.

It's not my health. Not the stench of my hair and clothes.

Mushy-gooey but hey - I want to spend a much longer time with him. Plus I was given an ultimatum. Hahaha!

Of managers and leaders

It's true. Some people are not meant to be managers. I don't know why length of service alone could justify a promotion. If you are a good web designer and have been in the company for more than 2 years or so, it is not a good enough reason to be promoted to a supervisory or managerial position. Not everyone was meant to oversee people.


Yosi kadiri

7 days. Nope - not the Craig David song. After my drinking stint last Thursday at ABSCBN for Dan's birthday celeb, I just decided that the Marlboro lights fliptop pack that I consumed that night would be the last one. I haven't had a fix for 7 days. And damn! Am I proud of myself!

It helps that none (READ: NONE!) of my officemates now are smoking. Not even the guy webbies. My boss, coming from the stressful world of advertising, quit a few years back when the wife got pregnant.

Did I mention that I have to wait for 3 minutes on the average to ride the elevator going up or down our office? That's another factor.


Underrated

No. I am not seeing The Buddy.

And by seeing, I mean dating.

It's funny how some people who barely even know me can judge what I can or cannot do. So they're now blessed with clairvoyance to actually predict what I am going to do next?

Sorry for the disappointment but we are definitely friends. I have very close affinity and attachment to him but it will not go beyond that. If I am still in denial? No. I actually acknowledged how I felt.

What we have is something more valuable than a one-time good-time deal.

So whoever told who that I'm seeing him secretly, it's no secret. It's out in the open.

Mamatay ka sa inggit.

Catwalking in the rat race

Yesterday marked the first day in my new job. I am now gainfully (?) employed by a start-up company (not again!?!?!).

The office is located right smack in Makati's CBD. For two days now, I have been lunching with The Boyfriend at the LKG Tower along with other yuppies.
Sadly, I think I have been swallowed by the system already. I look like them, dress like them. Armed with my mobile phone, PDA and file folders, I attend power lunches with clients. Though I can't discern where's the power in that - depriving myself of that strictly-1-hour quality time where I shouldn't be thinking about work.

Makati is just congested with a lot of rodents who start swarming in at 8 in the morning. It's sickening.

Oh well. Welcome to their wonderful world.

Making it big

Six years of work. Six different companies including my consultancies. 3 years as the maximum gestation period in an organization.

I would like to think there is more to work. More to this.

Whether I am going to stay for the long haul with my current company remains to be seen. It's a startup with potential - but so with the other ones.

My moves right now are bordering on pragmatism. My jobs pay my rent. It would help me buy the Fujitsu Lifebook I've been eyeing for more than 2 weeks now. They would take me to Bangkok and Singapore in September.

That's all there is to it.

At this point, I am still short-sighted with employment opportunities. What with the worsening economy of the country and the Magdalo rebellion of 2 weeks ago, all I can see is a bleak future.

How can I be fucking bullish about anything?

If my idealism is dead? Let's just say I agree with Yoj. So much for college daydreaming.

Deal with it

My skin is mocha brown.
I will never be caught dead with skin whitening paraphernalia.
I like my hair long and black.

I like wearing tank tops.
Round-necked shirts never fit me to a T.
My colors are always bright.
I look boring in white.
[Gross – that rhymed!]

I love wearing make-up.
I never leave home without my lash curler, concealer and lipstick.
Natural beauty is not true in my case.

I’m not a Gap babe.
I’m a Guess chick.
Gap = Big sizes, muted colors.
Not me.

I walk around in my platforms.
Almost all my shoes have 3-inch heels.
I can walk around wearing them all day long.
That is definitely an acquired skill!

I don’t wear khaki pants.
My pants are black, my denims are usually dark blue.
I like them hip-snugging or low-rise.
Flared and boot cut.

I am a guru at gay speak.
And I love gay men.
Have a lot of gay friends.
Definitely not homophobic.

I don’t intend to change these.
Maybe I would for myself.
But not to please others.
Definitely not to please thee.

I’m not even asking you to change your preference.
But please, don’t go changing me.

Back in the game!

I am sooo back and in my element once again.

After 2 weeks of emotional roller coaster, I finally got nauseous. Actually, I got so sick of myself being too sappy, crying over the most trivial things. It was becoming too icky so I managed to rescue myself just in time.

Those 2 weeks were very miserable. I missed my team, I was adjusting to my new apartment, I was doing all the household chores, I was adjusting to my new schedule, new office and new officemates. Add to that the anxiety of The Buddy issue. I felt overwhelmed. Everything was just too much.

So I allowed myself to succumb to depression. I would wake up at around 11, watch MTV or cartoons then ransack my food bin at past 12. I would stare blankly in front of my TV set or cry over Ally Mc Beal (which I used to hate) or any sentimental music I hear. I would go to work at around 2pm. After work, the team goes to El Pueblo for a night cap. As for me, I'd watch TV until I fall asleep. By that time, its already 3am.

I know. Spell pathetic for me.

So there. Since I'm really not the sulking type, my depression made me feel more depressed.

Yesterday, I realized that nothing is going to happen if I stretch this any further. I made peace with myself and decided to go on living.

I will get the hang of my new work, new team. The Web will always be my friends. As for The Buddy - if we are friends, we will get through this and just laugh at what happened - 10-20 years from now. If we don't make it through this time, then I guess I have to admit that it was just something superficial. I still have an army of friends.

As for my house - why the hell am I complaining? I love it. It's my own. MINE!

Friends were there to tide me over the crisis. I can never thank them enough. They were right. Life is too short. I shouldn't worry my life away. I've worked so hard to be a straight A student and now that I am almost graduating, it is a blatant self-deprecation for me to throw everything away.

Thank you, tita Sylvia and Eric - my 2 very generous classmates and school buddies. You have both been wonderful.

Thank you, Tran. I thought of you when all this was happening. Someday, I will have the kind of maturity you have to fend off distractions.

Thank you, Mica, V and Carissa. For not judging me. For giving me strength. For believing that I will get through this. For making me feel it's okay to admit it.

Thank you, Celiah. For making me feel I am not alone in the battle.

Thanks to the Best Friend. For not failing me. Ever.

Thank you, Mom - for keeping the faith.

Thank you, Ariel - for the promise of catching me when I fall. For making me believe in true love.

Thank God, for friends. For all of this.

Of geeks and nerds

Oh my gosh. I had a startling realization this afternoon.

I have a penchant for geeks and nerds.

Come to think of it, The Buddy is a geek - sans the ka-conohan, racing cars and signature clothes - he is a total geekazoid!

This is the first time I accessed Bangus' blog again because it had been down for a long time. I found it so cute and adorable that he is in law school right now and living in a chapel at that!

One of my college crushes - Judel - is a BS Applied Physics major. I pretended not to have any friggin' clue about the big bang theory in NatSci 1 so he could tutor me and we could hang out in the UP main library! I knew that if I asked him out for no reason he wouldn't have the nerve to go with me.

Asan na kaya yun ngayon? The last time I saw him was in Malacanang. He looked so cute in his crisp barong with his black-rimmed glasses. We first met when we were in high school - competing in those oratorical and extemporaneous speaking contests. Too bad he didn't keep in touch.

What's up with the geeks and nerds? Why do I find them attractive?

I think they are so underrated. I think girls who want to have decent and meaningful conversations on their first date should go out with them. I always marvel at how smart they are, being able to talk about anything and everything under the sun. Plus you get loadsa tips about techie gadgets which I am personally into.

If only other women would be able to discover this untapped resource! Hahaha.

Why do I like them? Siguro nga kasi nerd at geek din ako.

Knowing what we want

How could you want something so bad and just eventually give it away?

You don't really know what you want.

Now that you're leaving you just want to give him up.

I can't blame you, though. I thought I knew what I wanted, too.

The Buddy and SARS

The Buddy flew in last Sunday. He's going to be here in Manila until August or September, again, depending on his whims.

We had dinner and spent some time together last Monday. The morning after that, I had a slight fever. Knowing that he had a stopover in Taipei, I immediately called him to check if he feels well, if he doesn't have fever and cough.

Yes, he was fine.

Whew.

At 3:00am on Wednesday, however, I got a text message from him informing me that he has a cough. As paranoid as I am about SARS, I panicked and rang his mobile.

I told him to stay home and get enough rest.

Damn - I really feel like stangling him right now. Despite the warnings from his dad and mom not to fly through China Airlines, he still did. I also advised him to stay home for a while.

Kuripot kasi - tinipid pa ang $300.

He has 5 more days before he can be declared SARS-free. We spoke this morning and he said he was feeling better.

Again, I was relieved.

Anyways, welcome home, Buddy. Cheers to more gigs together.

I just hope he feels better before the Formula One gig in National Sports Grill.



Take me there, I wanna go there

Now that my schedule is pretty much flexible, I am toying with the idea of going to Indonesia and Singapore next week. I'll tag along with some girlfriends, or even Celiah, who work there.

Right now, I just want to breathe and get away from it all.

On the other hand, The Buddy is more inclined to take a few days off in Bangkok. He said he can get us a $265 trip.

Hmmmm... sounds very enticing.

Let's see who else we can brainwash to go with us.

In the meantime, I am daydreaming of a grand holiday in the middle of work. I think we should check out the red light district in Phat Pong.

Now that would be very interesting!

Kindred Spirits

Celiah and I haven’t seen each other for quite some time now. We were both busy with our own lives.

This morning, she managed to catch me in my pad and we had a long conversation – about her 2-year relationship, work, plans, etc.

As for me, I only told her The Dilemma. She is one of my very few trusted friends who I can tell anything and everything and would not castigate me for it.

She was surprised that the issue dragged. She never knew me as someone who would let a problem stretch for a long period of time. But she understood that it really takes a lot of effort to keep a friendship after you have somehow blurred some boundaries. Add to this the long denial stage that I managed to get myself into.

I was more surprised that while I was going through it, she was experiencing the same thing – questioning her comfort zone, asking what lies ahead, and if we ever believe in destiny versus carving our own paths. We are both in happy and contented relationships, yet we also both wonder if what we have right now are for keeps. We both have happy, comfortable lives, yet we both question whether we can sustain them and for how long.

Yes, we are on the same boat again.

It’s funny how our stages in life would always be similar to each other. We underwent the same stormy relationships and complicated career shifts at the same time.

A phone conversation was not enough to discuss and deconstruct everything that is happening. We agreed to meet for dinner tomorrow night. There is a lot of catching up to do.

At this time of my life when everything is changing and happening so fast, it’s good to have found my way back to Celiah and know what’s her take on things.

As we ended the conversation, I felt a lot better. I’ve found my soul sister again.

An awakening

Take me to another place
Take me to another land
Let me forget all that hurts me
Let me understand your plan.

- Tennessee
by Arrested Development


Thank yous

I’m very touched by the gesture of friends who swamped my email of job vacancies. Maraming salamat talaga.


Windang moments

I’m having a hard time adjusting to my new schedule right now. I start work at 1pm until late evenings. It really takes a lot of discipline to organize my schedule since I got used to a programmed schedule and a routine of some sort. And since I am working on several projects, I sometimes catch myself on panic mode.

Hindi ko na alam kung ano uunahin ko!

Not that I’m complaining. Baka ma-karma ako at bawian ng rackets ni God! Hahahaha!

I just need to adjust. I think I need to talk to Abi for some tips.

Now that I thought of Abi – miss ko na ang Web. I don’t have a Liza anymore who comes to my rescue. Huhuhu.

Released

Last week, the position I was handling in my company was considered redundant. To cut the long story short, they gave me my redundancy package and I got a hefty separation pay that can last me until December.

Since I was prepared for what was coming, I made my contingencies. I’m currently working on a marketing project. I was hired by another start-up as a consultant to help them draft their marketing plan. The pay is actually quite good – a lot higher than what I was getting and I only have to work for 4 days!

Good, huh?

But knowing that this isn’t stable, I am also working on getting a full-time job somewhere. So friends, do fill me in if there are job vacancies out there for me. ;-)

I felt relieved in a way. Now I have the luxury of time and enough money to be able to look for THE JOB that will put more meaning in my life, where profit is not the only concern and where reaching out to others is the priority.

I also felt sad because I left a family. It was the best team I ever had and I had the chance to be with the best team lead and mentor anyone could wish for.

Well anyways…

The industry is very small. The possibility for everyone to work again is not really far-fetched. And I am so looking forward to that.




Let’s not go there…

Where we could hurt those who care about us
and those who truly love us.

Let’s not go there,
Where I won’t be willing to see you off
Or bid you goodbye.

Let’s not go to that place where
We would compromise our growth and our dreams
Since we didn’t build them together.

Let’s not go there,
Where we could end up hurting each other.

Let’s just stay here.
Let’s just stay where we are right now.

Another week...

... of stress at work.

It's stress multiplied by 3.

I wonder how much more I can take.

Note to self: Think positive.

Thought bubble: Even if you don't like what's happening around you and you know things are not okay?

Of all people...

... na paghahanapin mo ng date para sa 'yo - sa akin ka pa lumapit.

Ang cute mo!

And of all the times...

na magpapahanap ka ng date, you ask while we are talking about you being conscious whenever you are with me because I look at you all the time.

You said you feel like I am staring right at your whole being - making you feel stripped naked and vulnerable.

Saan mo ko gustong tumingin habang kausap kita? Sa kisame?

Anong gusto mong sabihin ko sa 'yo ngayon?

Magkaibigan ba talaga tayo? Why do you keep on flirting and sending out innuendos?

Puro ka double-meaning tapos biglang kabig.

Galing mo talaga, dude.

Hybrid of the past and the present

Last night, I dreamt of my former CEO. He called for a meeting with the team leads and I was part of the meeting.

He asked us to sit on the floor and announced that he needs to retrench people.

I don't exactly know what that means, but the mood was very light and people were happy despite the announcement.

And how the hell did Carlo figure in my dream?

Funny-weird, huh?

My own home sweet home

Now I’m spilling the beans.

Last Sunday, I officially moved into my studio.

Yep, I’m renting a studio-type condo unit in the Pasong Tamo area.

I have been planning about this since December of last year. Come April, I was already getting depressed thinking about how I wanted my own place but haven’t done anything to kick the plan off.

By May, I was already spending my weekends looking for apartments and condominiums. Alongside that, I was looking for a second job – a racket at that – which will augment my income, pay my rent and support my lifestyle when combined with my day job.

I guess Paulo Coelho was right when he wrote The Alchemist – if you want to achieve something badly, all of the universe will conspire in your favor.

Luckily for me, the universe did.

So last week, I bought all my furniture and appliances. The whole weekend was spent waiting for their delivery, packing and cleaning.

By Sunday, the studio looked like a home. My own.

I feel so fulfilled. I have a lot more stuff to buy though. So friends, my motif is Zen. Most of my furniture is light-colored wood. Zen furnishings and trinkets are most welcome. Hehehe.

Adulthood

Today, I opened my own checking account.

I am now officially a grown-up.

Palawan-crazy

3 days in Palawan is sooooo bitin.

But I think that was just enough time for me to enjoy the island and realize that I want to go back for more. I get bored easily in one place given an extended period of time.

Palawan is a very ideal getaway. The Boyfriend and I had the time of our lives island-hopping, frolicking in the beach and snorkeling with the schools of fish.

We flew to Puerto Princessa via Air Philippines. The airline has a lot of promos for their tour packages – at 50% off!

The Boyfriend and I stayed at The Legend Hotel. The rooms were very cozy, plus they have a pool that is available for night swimming.

It was a good thing that we had a friend from the area. He drove us around Puerto Princessa. Thus, we got the chance to visit private ranches and haciendas. We also went to the crocodile farm (they let you touch the crockies for 30bucks) and Rancho Santa Monica.

There is also a butterfly farm within the city but the butterflies usually gallivant in the garden early in the morning so it’s advisable to visit it from 7am-10am.


Take me to the beach

We went to Honda Bay and Snake Island for snorkeling and sea frolicking. We rode a small boat to get to the 2 islands.

We also passed by the Bat and Starfish Islands with other local and foreign tourists.

Honestly, I prefer to be with foreigners during group tours. Filipinos in group tours would make you wait for hours! Hello! They should get their own private tour packages. It’s so rude of them to make others wait.


Nightlife and the food

On our first day in Puerto Princessa, we had lunch at the Vietnamese Village to taste a sampling of authentic Vietnamese cuisine. Tran said it’s the only place in the Philippines with authentic Vietnamese food. But how will I know which is authentic if I haven’t tasted one?

Despite the lack of ability to discern which is authentic or not, the food was really great! I tried their beef stew noodles and chicken salad.

The Boyfriend and I got a taste of the nightlife when Jeremy, our friend from there, took us to Kinabuch’s. Kinabuch’s is their version of Gerry’s grill. Try their crunchy sisig and inihaw na pusit.

On our second night, we went to Ka Luis’ restaurant. I loved the ambience and the food! Ka Luis’ is a restaurant with its interior made of varnished bamboo with native Palawan furnishings like rainmakers, drums, native paintings and rattan furniture. You have to leave your shoes or slippers on the front porch before you enter the restaurant.

We ordered a set menu of shrimp with lemon sauce, steamed catch of the day in mango sauce (this one is heavenly sarap), fried squid and tuna steak. The meals come with home-made salsa and nachos for appetizer and a coconut shell full of ripe mangoes, coconut meat, pineapple, melon, papaya and bananas.

All this for P550! In Manila, we could have paid more than P1500 for it.

There is fresh seafood everywhere we went. There are also dried fish being sold in the market. For pasalubong, we opted to buy roasted cashew nuts since we didn’t want the hassle of checking in the daings in the airport.


Yummy-licious Legend guy

His name is Sherwin.

For my single girlfriends, there is this handsome, drop-dead gorgeous guy working at the front desk of The Legend Hotel.

Tall, dark, well-built and very handsome.

It’s been a long time since my jaw dropped for a hunk.

Add this to the long list of my reasons for wanting to go back to Puerto Princessa.

Hahahahahaah!

I really hope I can go back there soon. The place is a paradise.

The Boyfriend and I also intend to go to El Nido and Coron.

I’m already looking forward to that!

Frenzied weekend

Walking and driving all across Makati, Malate and Mandaluyong despite the heavy downpour.

Yep – that was how I spent my weekend.

Either I was out in the streets looking for The Place or I was lying in bed hoping that the next day, I would be able to find it.

I am stressing over that right now – add to that the fight I had with The Boyfriend and his dramatic exit last Saturday. Things between us were resolved the same night, but things just got worse the following day.

The Boyfriend headed for the beach with the family, to celebrate Mother’s Day and his Dad’s birthday. Upon going home, one of the cars in the convoy accidentally bumped into a 6-year old kid.

The Boyfriend had to spend his whole Sunday watching over the kid in the hospital. Until this morning, the kid was in critical condition.

I asked if the family wanted to sue them. No, the family has no means of doing that. Instead, the father of the kid was overheard saying that if his kid dies, he would also kill someone from the driver’s family. Life begets life. How’s that as a mantra? I never knew we were still living in a barbaric age!

This morning, The Boyfriend is still not himself. He was still shaken since he brought the little boy to the hospital. He saw all the blood and gore.

So that leaves me fussing over the house-hunt all by myself.

I hope things get better.

Pa-cute days are (almost) over

From Cosmopolitan Magazine to Better Homes.

From Femalenetwork.com and Elle.com to Interiordesign.net.

It was a tough decision to make. I am used to the comforts of my own home, the convenience of having a yaya most of the time to take care of my things. Hell, I don’t even wash my own clothes.

Now I am compelled to look beyond shopping for clothes, shoes and bags.

This is a different ballgame altogether.

Friends won’t be seeing much of me for the coming weeks and months. I would be busy taking care of my BIG PROJECT.

Read: I would do whatever it takes for me to accomplish it.

Contrary to what some of my friends are teasing me, I am no kill-joy. I just decided to grow up and let the other younger ladies take charge of the pa-cutesy, teeny-bopper stuff.

It’s also not a passing fancy – a hobby or a project that I would soon get tired of. No, I wasn’t seduced by its novelty, as this would cost me so much of my hard-earned money.

It’s a good feeling, though – to finally get over superficial, mundane things and move on to the next phase.

Again, I am not yet getting married! I will spill the beans when the right time comes. I just don’t like people playing devil’s advocate when I have finally come into a steadfast decision. Yes, unsolicited advice is not welcome at this point.

So to my friends, thank you for the moral support. Enjoy the partying without moi. I’m sure the party would go on – more fun even. Just don’t forget to drink that one cocktail or shooter in my honor.

Night cap

I finally met Jovan’s girlfriend. Former Portal Kids from ABS-CBN Interactive met for dinner. Mark and Petite were there too!

Sarap talaga ng Napoli’s!

What made it more sumptuous were the laughter and the wisecracks. Romy would never run out of funny Portal experiences.

So we strolled down memory lane, reminiscing about Nora Daza as the Amir of Rap and other funny Ria stories.

After everyone got filled, Romy became the WAP and mobile phone repairman extraordinaire! Hahahaha!

We had 2 rounds of shooters in Aresi afterwards. I didn’t realize it was so cheap to drink there. Shooters are 50% off until 12am!

Romy drove me home at past 12. I wasn’t sleepy yet so I checked my email and decided to blog.

I can’t stop thinking about my BIG PROJECT.

I’ve been sleepless because of it for the past few weeks already.

The Boyfriend has been very supportive about it. Thank God for having The Boyfriend. He makes life a lot easier.

Wala nang direksyon yung blog ko so matutulog na lang ako.

How I wish the Portal kids in the US are also here with us.

Major project

I have a major project this coming June and July.

It is totally life-changing.

Sorry, I can’t divulge the details yet since I don’t want it to be pre-empted.

May the universe conspire in my favor.

Away from work

I somehow managed to mangle my blogger over this weekend, thus, the absence of my message board. I was attempting to overhaul it. I’m trying to work on my htmls, so watch out for the new blog. I lost my password to enetation, so I would only be able to fix it when I get back to the office.

Yes, folks, you read that right. I’m not in the office. I’m on extended break. Wooohooo!

8 stress-reduced, glorious vacation days!

I just came back from a day trip. Mom, sis and I went to Corregidor. I’ve never been there before so it was really nice. I like going to historical sites like museums and ruins. If a date wants to impress me, the secret would be to take me to places like those. I wish I could also go to Intramuros again since they have a lot of activities lined up for the summer.

Friends issue

Perhaps Ryan couldn’t take it anymore. The silence of our other high school buddies is deafening.

On the night of Easter Sunday, he picked me up at home. We went to a bar in Greenbelt and had a couple of drinks – ranted about quarter-life frustrations and disappointments. It was comforting to know that I am not alone in my crisis!

What’s more comforting is that I think I can go out with him now without having to worry about ghosts from the past haunting me. I think we’re cool as friends now.

And what do you know – Marc just texted this morning to tell everyone he had finished his masters in engineering already. There’s a party this Saturday night. I hope this ends everyone’s hibernation period.

I am tasked to bring wine – as always! I guess things are on the roll again.

Bye, Bud!

At 10:43 pm last Monday, his plane took off.

Before that, we spent hours on the phone until daybreak. He was asking how I would feel if he doesn’t come back. Will he be missed? Nah – I’m not gonna give him that. His ego is inflated as it is. He was betting he will be.

With a heavy heart, I called him half past six to say goodbye. He was at the Town Center, doing his last-minute shopping for Johnson’s Baby Cologne!

I told him not to forget his SARS mask.

By 10pm, I got a text message from him that he was on board. I was the last person he was talking to before he left. Touched naman ako. We were texting until the plane took off.

I finally gave in and texted him that he will be missed. Sige na nga. It’s just not the same – I got used to his company and his almost 24/7 availability when I needed some sense knocked into my stubborn head.

Enjoy your break, dude. See you soon.

Find me

Friends have been texting and asking – where the hell are you???

What can I say? I needed a break!

Wow – people actually cared.

You know who you guys are. Thank you for looking for me.

Honeypie

I know what you're going through.

When we talked, you sounded different. I wanted to tell you I know what happened but I thought that would make you feel uncomfortable. I didn't want you to stop talking.

I didn't want to sound like everyone else, either. So I won't be giving you any advice. I just want you to know that I'm here.

I miss you, too. And yes, I will be praying for you.

One honest morning

The minute I opened my eyes, I thought of her. Yes, The X.

She wasn't in my dreams but I was wondering how she is right now. Before, most days of my Holy Week were spent on the phone, talking to her, whether I am stuck at home or out of town.

Last year, I made the great escape by going out of town with The One so I don't have to think of her, the phone, and the things we talk about.

And now it's all coming back to me.

Drifting away

I couldn’t sleep well last night. After talking to The Buddy on the phone, I went straight to bed but I kept tossing and turning.

I felt depressed and disappointed. Something is bothering me but I couldn’t quite figure out what. I was about to blame it on the hormones when my mobile rang.

It was Ryan.

Right in the middle of his night shift duty (this guy is a techie) at Accenture’s 6750 office, he had the same realization.

“Where the hell is everyone?”

It’s mid-April already but no one has called anyone to plan anything for summer.

Quite strange for this circle. We always managed to see each other no matter how tight our schedules are. Despite midterms in MBAs, deadlines for templates, designs and reports – we would always try to hang out and touch base.

So whadafuck is happening now?

Marc said it’s just a phase where everyone is busy attending to their own lives.

This has been happening for almost 6 months now. I hope this phase ends soon.

Tangna. Nami-miss ko na sila.

Missing me?

Wow, I would hate to brag but it seems like people missed me. Look at the message board! Hehehe. Thank you guys for posting your reactions and messages.

Hibernation worked to my advantage!


What I will be missing

Okay, I think it is gradually sinking in. I brought The Buddy breakfast today after working out in the gym. Afterwards it got me thinking – dang! I will miss spoiling and being spoiled. Drats.


Flazoom

After waging war against Macromedia Flash 3 with Emer years ago, here I am, torturing myself by spending 4-5 hours in a week learning it. Everyone in the creative group is required to learn it!

So now I am going bonkers trying to understand action scripts.

It's not actually Flash that is totally evil. It's how you use it.

If this blog will have a flash intro? Nah.

I would have to try to find time to fix the html pages first.


Mind of the Married Man

Have you guys watched an episode of this?

I don’t know about you but Tran is right. I think this should be entitled “A Man’s Penis” instead. Or “A Man’s Penis Talking and Thinking.”

It’s such a distasteful and crude copycat male version of Sex and the City.

Bottomline: Men – married and unmarried – would always toy with the idea of finding something/someone new. It’s always about novelty.

Maybe it’s just me. I feel for 2 of my girlfriends currently nursing heartbreaks brought about by the dickheads in their lives.

Still, this HBO original sucks.

Samut sari


More than a week’s absence

I haven’t been updating the blog for 2 reasons:

1. I was hibernating because I needed to study for my finals.
2. Since finals was over, I was so giddy and excited I felt I deserve to slack off – including updating my blog.

But now I am back – since friends have been buzzing for me to spill.

Writer’s block

More importantly, I’m generally in a happy state of mind right now. There are a few glitches here and there, but everything is quite in its order.

My point? The absence of pain discourages me from writing. I didn’t want to admit this at first but I think this is true for me. The absence of pain gives me no reason to write! For the first time, I am running out of things to say. How unbecoming of me!

In denial

The paradox of it all is that I feel quite okay, despite the fact that The Buddy is leaving two weeks from now. Either it hasn’t sunk it yet or I am totally in denial.

It will be quite a loss – although he will only be gone for 2 months. The truth is, there is this slight chance that he won’t be coming back. It’s always sad to see someone go. Most especially this one.

There are some people I meet every now and then – where I would feel an uncanny connection. I can’t quite explain it, but there is that certain something. I felt it with Celiah – a good friend who vowed to be my evil sister for as long as we live. We don’t see each other very often, but when we do, it’s just like we never really parted.

I felt it with The Best Friend. I felt it with Tran. It’s not just the same beliefs and value system. It’s like meeting them and feeling like knowing them from somewhere before.

Now I felt it with him. Screw what other people say. It is nowhere near romantic. I can’t call it platonic either. But I know the connection is there – just like how Celiah and I believe that people in our lives are like shards of glass that complete one mirror, our mirror.

So cheers to The Buddy. I will miss him – terribly, if I may say. May he not forget my chocolate chip cookies and all the goody stuff I asked him to bring me. Hehehe.

Finding The One

The Buddy said things happen for a reason. We meet people along the way while we journey through life. I believe so, too.

A lot of my friends are getting married this year. A lot of them also got hitched. Congrats to Jovan and Dan. Jovan, may pangako ngang taglay ang 2003 para sa iyo.

And for those who are still waiting, be patient. You are not waiting in vain. It might not be the time yet but I’m sure there is someone out there. Some people might think they’ve been single all their lives. Lucky you. Not that I’m complaining, but I feel like I’ve been hitched all my life. Most friends know the longest I’ve been in between relationships was what – 3 months?

So enjoy single-blessedness. It happens for a reason.

Calling on Bangus and Babs – I hope you’re reading this! Hahaha!

Woohoo!

It’s another Friday!

I’m rejoicing not because I can go out tonight, but because I now have the chance to read my textbooks.

So after work, I’m going directly to The Boyfriend’s house to go over my notes.

What a Friday!


Happy Birthday and congrats, Emer!

Bangus! Happy birthday! I didn’t forget – I hibernated for two days so I wasn’t blogging. Hope it was fun, though.

Congrats, too! Walastek - may friend na naman akong future lawyer! Asteeeeeeg!

Brain drain

I want to blog, but I couldn’t find anything interesting to write.

I am drained – not because I’ve been studying for my finals. The mere thought that I need to study for 2 friggin’ exams is enough for me to be sucked dry.

Writing research papers and tutor marked assignments is easy – if you know how to bull-shit your way out of them. Staying in an auditorium/classroom for a whole 5 hours to take the finals is another damn thing!

I have to spend 4 of my vacation days to read books, more books, readings, and more readings.

I wish I can just go to Vigan and Pagudpud. NOW!

Peace, pare

Manhattan, Boston, Washington in the US, Turkey, Egypt, South Korea, Germany.

People are taking to the streets to show their disapproval of the war that US waged against Iraq.

I get goose bumps whenever I tune in to CNN and Bloomberg for the latest update on the air strike.

Tsk. Ang daming Pinoy sa Middle East.


Paul Coelho’s take on the war

Paul Coelho, the author of the international bestseller “The Alchemist” wrote his “thank-yous” to US President Bush. It’s kinda long but I’m posting it here, as this is reflects my exact sentiments.


Thank you, President Bush
By Paulo Coelho

Thank you, great leader George W. Bush.

Thank you for showing everyone what a danger Saddam Hussein represents. Many of us might otherwise have forgotten that he used chemical weapons against his own people, against the Kurds and against the Iranians.Hussein is a bloodthirsty dictator and one of the clearest expressions of evil in today's world.

But this is not my only reason for thanking you. During the first two months of 2003, you have shown the world a great many other important things and, therefore, deserve my gratitude.

So, I want to say thank you.

Thank you for showing everyone that the Turkish people and their parliament are not for sale, not even for 26 billion dollars. Thank you for revealing to the world the gulf that exists between the
decisions made by those in power and the wishes of the people.

Thank you for making it clear that neither Jose Maria Aznar nor Tony Blair give the slightest weight to or show the slightest respect for the votes they received. Aznar is perfectly capable of ignoring the fact that 90 percent of Spaniards are against the war, and Blair is unmoved by the
largest public demonstration to take place in England in the last 30 years.

Thank you for making it necessary for Blair to go to the British parliament with a fabricated dossier written by a student 10 years ago, and present this as "damning evidence collected by the British Secret Service."

Thank you for allowing Colin Powell to make a complete fool of himself by showing the UN Security Council photos which, one week later, were publicly challenged by Hans Blix, the inspector responsible for disarming Iraq.

Thank you for adopting your current position and thus ensuring that, at the plenary session, French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin's antiwar speech was greeted with applause - something, as far as I know, that has only happened once before in the history of the UN, after a speech by Nelson Mandela.

Thank you too, because, after all your efforts to promote war, the normally divided Arab nations, at their meeting in Cairo during the last week in February, were, for the first time, unanimous in their condemnation of any invasion.

Thank you for your rhetoric stating that "the UN now has a chance to demonstrate its relevance," a statement which made even the most reluctant countries take up a position opposing any attack on Iraq.

Thank you for your foreign policy which provoked British Foreign Secretary Jack Straw into declaring that in the 21st century, "a war can have a moral justification," thus causing him to lose all credibility.

Thank you for trying to divide a Europe that is currently struggling for unification; this was a warning that will not go unheeded. Thank you for having achieved something that very few have so far managed to do in this century: bringing together millions of people on all continents to fight for the same idea, even though that idea is opposed to yours.

Thank you for making us feel once more that though our words may not be heard, they are at least spoken - this will make us stronger in the future.

Thank you for ignoring us, for marginalizing all those who oppose your decision, because the future of the planet belongs to the excluded. Thank you, because, without you, we would not have realized our own ability to mobilize. It may serve no purpose this time, but it will doubtless be useful later on.

Now that there seems no way of silencing the drums of war, I would like to say, as an ancient European king said to an invader: "May your morning be a beautiful one, may the sun shine on your soldiers' armor, for in the afternoon, I will defeat you."

Thank you for allowing us - an army of anonymous people filling the streets in an attempt to stop a process that is already underway - to know what it feels like to be powerless and to learn to
grapple with that feeling and transform it.

So, enjoy your morning and whatever glory it may yet bring you.

Thank you for not listening to us and not taking us seriously, but know that we are listening to you and that we will not forget your words.

Thank you, great leader George W. Bush.

Thank you very much.

Lesbians and the challenge

I met up with Malacañang friends last Friday. Ate Mayet brought 2 guy friends with her. Raymond, the guy in a flashy salmon pink long sleeves [how gay can this guy get!?!], was eyeing me ever since I sat down and drank my first cosmo for the night.

This set of girlfriends has seen a string of my women lovers when I was still working with them. I was THAT out with them, with some girlfriends even picking me up after work, joining us for the usual weekend recap. They knew I lived in with Frisco girl for 3 months.

I haven’t seen this bunch for several months now. So the usual question when they see me came up.

Am I still one or am I now a convert of heterosexuality?

Most of them know I am with The One. It was just a revalida question.

Raymond’s eyebrow rose.

My usual formulaic answer: “Love transcends gender.”

Afterwards, this Raymond guy became quite attentive. He was asking questions about lesbianism, why I liked women, do I still like them now, yada yada yada. The barrage of questions ended with him asking for my mobile number.

At this point, everyone was having a grand time – at my expense. He sat down beside me, asking me, attempting to strike up a very interesting convo.

Then came the expected statement: “Sayang ka.”

Tired of explaining a phenomenon that this guy with a minuscule mind couldn’t get, I didn’t even bother come up with a defense. In the first place, is there a conversion that needs to transpire?

I wanted him to go home thinking that attractive but fresh and ignorant men like him can convert women of my kind.

Dude, I wish you luck.

He offered to drive me home. I politely refused and told him I can take care of myself.

Why can’t I wipe this smirk off my face?

T.A.T.U., belligerence and aberrant behavior

Last night, I was chatting with a girl pal who is in Germany. We were talking about T.A.T.U. [an upcoming Russian duo] and the banning of their video in some parts of Europe.

What’s with the public outcry against the music video?

I heard their song on the radio already – “All the Things She Said.” I’ve never listened to it closely since I am not really into pop songs.

So this morning, armed with my usual brewed coffee and the Inquirer, I propped myself in front of the TV and skidded channels between MTV and My MYX, waiting for the controversial music video.

And there it was – the T.A.T.U. girls in school uniforms with micro mini pleated skirts. It wasn’t the microminis that were the source of the pandemonium.

At the latter part of the video, the two girls passionately kissed each other.

Since MYX had the lyrics flashed on the screen, I realized the song was about lesbian love.

So that was what the fuss was all about.

Add to that “pedophiliac” undertones, as what its fierce critics charge.

This is not to undermine my distaste for pop [anything with Britney, even Avril Lavigne in it]. TATU may be pop – but I would have to forgive them for that. I am coming to their defense because by focusing on the kissing scene and their school uniforms – these self-righteous moralists are totally missing the point.

Who are they to impose their moral yardstick upon the viewers, anyway?

In this day and age, what with the impending war concocted by selfish, demented old men for young men to die in, these critics don’t know any better.

Please, instead of picking on upcoming artists, try looking at the bigger picture.

Happiness

Jovan has been raving – or ranting – about happiness in his blog. Happiness has been a perennial issue among friends: where to find it, how to get it. Better yet, what are the things that would make us happy?

This would make a good topic in one of those drinking sessions.

Jaded as I am, I think it’s human nature to forever search for happiness. Human beings’ desires are insatiable. Sometimes, we would define things that we think would make us happy. If we get them, however, we would want more.

Perhaps I’ve been watching too much Sex and the City reruns lately. Season 1 finds Carrie wanting a steady, defined and committed relationship that Big couldn’t provide for her. She wanted to be with someone who had marriage in mind – eventually. When Aidan came along on the 3rd season and popped the big question, she wasn’t ready to get married!

What are we, women, thinking?!?

I wanted a stable and committed relationship for me. I think I have it, but still, I find myself looking for something else. Not someone else – but something else [Now I am inclined to believe Emer that I could be quite a complicated girlfriend].

The same is true for a lot of things that we already have. We wanted them, got them anyhow, and still crave for more. Worse, we realize they’re not what constitute our happiness as how we pre-defined it.

Happiness can be very elusive. But I think it’s partly our fault too that it is.

Giving more…

… and expecting less works a lot of wonders. It reduces stress, too.

Sometimes we expect the people we love and care about to give back the affections we have showered on them. But not everything can be reciprocated. We get more hurt when we expect to be loved back.

It’s not me being messianic again. It has always been a quid pro quo thing for me.

I just realized that if I don’t expect the phone calls, my phone rings in the middle of the night. Or I am paid the surprise visit I wasn’t hoping for. Text messages come in. So do wake up calls.

They feel good when they happen. Because I wasn’t pining for them to.

Pagod.com

May 1 – that is my anniversary date in the office. Wow – can’t believe I’ve been here for almost 2 years already!

9 vacation days – the number of vacation leaves I need to consume before May 1. Considering that we have 12 vacation days and I’ve only consumed 3 of them means that I haven’t had a decent break for a year.

Read: I am tired. The weekends are not enough for me to recharge. I’ve been working for 3 consecutive Saturdays already just to launch a site. Top that with all the school paper that I still have to write.

I haven’t seen a lot of my groupies lately and last-minute cancellations have been quite frequent. If I hear another friend advice me on time management, either I will faint or kick him/her in the ass – whichever I am able to do first.

Despite my ranting about my current plight, I’m 100% sure I am still going to go through all my plans and schedules. Damn it, I will beat ALL my deadlines! Even if I have to be ruthless about it.

I take comfort in what Lavque forwarded to me again this morning.

Successful people have 5 things in common:

1. They have a dream.
2. They have a plan.
3. They have specific knowledge or training.
4. They’re willing to work hard. [I will work harder. Whatever it takes.]
5. They don’t take no for an answer.

Number 3, I am still trying to achieve. Thus, my loaded schedule. Someday all of this will pay off.

I am going to get there.

Recap

It’s Friday once again. Time is so fast when you have so much to do. It’s so unfair – time is so slow when you’re trying to kill it, and too fast when you’re trying to cease a particular moment and relish it.

This is a rundown of what transpired this whole week:

Falling out

Last Saturday, I had a falling out with The Temptress. I couldn’t take the nagging, the clinginess and the incessant need to explain where I am, what I’m doing, why I didn’t text, blah blah blah.

Friendship is not effortless, but at the same time, friendship is not about imposing and demanding and being there 24/7!

I need space. I need to breathe. I am claustrophobic.

I didn’t want to leave the friendship but it was the next best thing. To be noble, I had to make her feel that she left me, and not the other way around.

I lost a friend.

Oh well.

Now I have to worry about how to return her piles and piles of books, DVDs, mp3 player and laptop.


Trust and faith

I have trust…

… that The Buddy knows he deserves better.
… that he won’t settle for what’s just available and accessible.
… that he is honest with me with how he really feels about a lot of things.

I have faith…

… in our friendship.
… in him.
… that he is who he is, who I have known him to be.

Hypocritical, satirical

I don’t know how I can stand an uptight atmosphere – people pretending that there is nothing wrong with the status quo. We frown on politics. We do not encourage it.

Yeah right.

Thanks for the quote, Lavque:

"I have learned to seek my happiness by limiting my desires, rather than in attempting to satisfy them."

- John Stuart Mill


No wonder The Temptress feels bound. I think I am in her shoes right now, though I would never dare admit it to her. But what if you consider everything - your dreams, plans and ambitions as your desires? How would you restrain yourself from getting them?

I woke up sobbing from a bad dream this morning. In my dream, I wanted to become the first woman pilot ever. I was crying because this ambition never materialized for me. I felt the frustration in my bones. I wanted to break free and do what I want to do, live my dreams and make them my reality.

Over a cup of coffee I was contemplating - this dream was a blatant manifestation of what I want to do, and that at this moment, I am bound by a lot of reasons and limitations that prevent me from doing what I want.

It was a validation that indeed, I want to be somewhere else, doing something different. And I feel that I stopped living life because I am trapped with limited choices. Right now all I can do is make the most out of things. And wait.

If this is the way for me to inculcate patience as one of my virtues then I would gladly accept what fate has brought me. I will give it some time if this passivity would work for me. Otherwise, I would risk and give it a go.

Until then, I would have to accept that I am not the first woman pilot.

The sound of a heart breaking

[written by Karen Kunawicz - one of my favorites]

It is the sound of someone curled up in a tiny ball crying softly in the night, the sound of the first unwanted teardrop touching your skin, it's the sound of a telephone that doesn't ring, the sound of regret pounding inside your brain with every heartbeat, it's the whispers of the toy animals he gave you.

It's the shuffling of feet walking away from you, the sound of your soul shattering into a million pieces at recognizing the word "goodbye," it’s the soundtrack of memories torturing you, it's the sound of feeble hands trying to push back the obstinate hands of time, it's the sound of a cherub's dying breath, the sound of all those years disappearing in the vortex of Cupid's kitchen sink, it's the unrelenting plaintive baby meows of an abandoned kitten outside an ignoring door.

It's the sound of the rain that doesn't ever stop, the sound of all the doors shutting and closing in your face at the same time, of raging, howling storms in the night when there's no one there to hold you, the sound of your voice as it screams back at you, the echo of "I love yous" burning holes in you, the sound your heart makes as it tells you to lie still because nothing you will ever do will matter without love.

The sound of the waves of the polluted beach you went to as it moves from the shore and crashes inside your mind, of the sniffles that make up your pathetic "SOS-to-the-world," the cracking of the brittle black-red petals from the sidewalk vendor roses he gave, the sound of the music he used to make going to your gut.

The sound of things in your room being thrown around and landing on the floor, the caress of kitchen knives on skin, the sound your throat makes as you swallow your saltiest tear.

It's the sound of your own voice calling out to someone who isn't there, of dying birds getting splattered on a city pavement, of terms of endearment used a hundred times a day struggling to crawl into a vacuum of forgetfulness, it's the sound of your own sobs keeping you company, it's the cold, uncaring stillness of the air you share your space with.

Destruction isn't always as noisy as bombs exploding. Sometimes the ultimate catastrophes are as quiet as a feather falling on the floor of a Zen monastery. No one else can really hear your heart breaking except you.

Drowning out the voices

Sometimes we get so affected by what others think. We always seek other’s validation and approval of things we do.

I got a very wise advice from a girlfriend last Saturday.

To determine your intentions, drown out the voices. Concentrate on your own.

What does it tell you? How do you feel?

If they are good in nature, then you don’t have to be afraid.


Johari’s window

A skeptic friend, on the other hand, referred to the Johari window. That’s why there are other people in our lives – for them to remind us and let us see the things that we don’t and we can’t by ourselves.


One step at a time

Things will unfold – one step at a time. Just wait for the daybreak.

Culture-bound

We are bound by a lot of things, restrained by a lot of rules, of norms and standards. More importantly, we can be shackled within the chains of our own culture.

This is a reaction to Mica’s recent post about culture. And I have to quote her:

“Now it's almost gone - one crucial thing that brought us in (at least us oldies) into the company...the invisible thread that goes through each of us and holds us together, the one ring to bind us…”

Right now, I don’t exactly now what my stand is about our culture. Though I have to agree with V, it’s not yet THAT endangered, but it’s going there.

In my team, we have yet to feel the threat. I think it has been successfully inculcated that we all have a personal stake in what we do. We are a family responsible for each other; we watch each other’s back.

But it seems like this is not the case for everyone. There is an exodus of people with a plethora of reasons for jumping ship.

Whatever their reasons are, I have my own set of reasons why I am staying. I would like to think that one of them is the dynamism of the culture, of everyone’s capability to shape it.

It can also be one of the reasons that would compel me to leave…

It would pain me terribly to see its demise, with the newbies’ lack of appreciation of the roots, of how we once were.

Until then, I am holding on. I guess what happens next is really up to us.

Shopaholic

Three pairs of shoes, five tops, 2 pairs of dress pants, 1 new designer bag.

All in a span of 2 weeks.

This is by far my most obnoxious shopping spree. It was a spur of the moment thing, and it was obnoxious in the sense that the purchases were unplanned.

Seems like this shopping spree is a compensation of some sort – to fill up this hollow space, this void left by someone I choose to ignore for the past few days, weeks even.

Perhaps I should stop ignoring?

Nah. I have plenty of space in my closet and shoe rack.

Cruel intentions

I feel violated, being informed that someone is sowing intrigue and malice. I just don’t get it – how can people be so full of malicious intent when they can opt to be good and nice?

Something must have been fucked up somewhere in their childhood. Whatever happened to them, I couldn’t care less.

A warning though: Nobody touches my team.


Clairvoyance

I felt it in my bones. I smelled the waft of malevolence from afar. I should have heeded the signs. I should have known.

Of course, Goody Me insisted that people deserve to be given the so-called benefit of the doubt.

How come I’m never wrong when I sense that something is messed up in a person?

I’ve always known and sensed a scheming, lying bitch. I shouldn’t have been Miss Congeniality.

Tuesdays with myself

This is turning out to be a loooong week. It’s only Tuesday and I feel very spent already, what with the running around, going to the salon 4 times to get my hair fixed [my stylist for 5 years ruined my long tresses!], stressing over my long list of to-dos in the office and feeling bad that I haven’t done anything for school!

Wow – that was such a stressful sentence. Whew.

What’s new? It’s pretty much the same since I decided to lay low for a while. I still fuss over a lot of things beyond my control, but realizing that I shouldn’t be doing that very often is a good start.

Here’s a recap of things that I’ve learned and re-learned:

1. Quit while you’re ahead. This is so true and so real for me. It’s always good to be able to know when to stop doing something or trying to get something. If you’re already ahead of the race and you know you have a good edge, then you can leave things at that.

2. Choose the battles you want to fight in and make sure you win them. I think I am gifted with the power to discern this – thank God! This goes without saying, never go to war or wage a war unprepared.

3. People who have the most number of criticisms to dish out are usually those with the most number of insecurities in their lives. That’s why they try to take it out on others.

4. Communication is irreversible. Be reminded of this when you want to lash out at someone. Whatever hurting words you say, you can never take them back.

5. Thou shall not make enemies with thyself. No matter how pissed off you are at others, whenever you want to shut everybody out, you should always be at peace with yourself. The sleepless nights I spent for more than 2 weeks were caused by that internal struggle – of trying to do what I think is right.

What do you know -- it's really true. You learn something new - and something old - everyday.

My list can go as long as 15. But my migraine is forcing me to stop, go to my gym and hit the sauna!