Woman

Welcome, single-blessedness. I embrace you with open arms.

It's time to conquer the world again.

[Read between the lines: I can now date freely, flirt without the pangs of guilt and find that Charming One. So friends, you know my type. Keep the dates coming in. But I am in no rush to be in a new relationship. Sweet time, sweet time - it's still on my side for the next 2-3 years.]

Travel is like university without walls.

- Anita Roddick
The Body Shop founder

Late-bloomer

Funny, I've never appreciated Friends when everyone else I know would hurriedly go home to eagerly watch it.

One time, I was just too bored and running out of VCDs/DVDs in ACA to rent out I grabbed one disk of the show. Before I know it, I was so addicted - hoarding all the disks per season!

Everytime I would watch an episode, I'd be laughing my ass off! The episodes where Rachel and Joey got together as a couple and when they were trying to have sex were hilarious. I was laughing so hard I almost fell of my bed.

Since I have a major event coming this last week of November and I can't leave Metro Manila (I know! Sad! Sad!), I think I'm gonna spend my time mostly in front of my laptop working and my TV watching season 10.

Speaking of Friends...

What a way to spend my Saturday afternoon! I drove to Belair just to get my current favorite cigarette pack - Peel. It's a new cigarette with an orange and menthol taste. I couldn't find it elsewhere, not even at AIM or in UP campus where all kinds of cigarettes (yep, even Indonesian and Singaporean brands) are being sold. I had a lunch sched with friends at Podium and I know there's going to be a one hell of a cigarette and coffee session I just had to drive to Makati and back to Ortigas to get my Peel pack!

I arrived at the Podium around past 1. I met Nino and Panet to have lunch at Cafe' Breton. It's one of those long lunches on a hot Saturday afternoon that I really love having.

Over plates of crepes and while forking over our blueberry dessert, we were talking about our other cono pals and the times in college when we had nothing better to do but hang out at the AS lobby, smoke, play pusoy dos and tong-its, cut classes, eat lunch at Katips or El Pueblo.

A lot of things changed in the past six years. Some of us are still friends, some drifted apart. Some reached their dreams, some are happily married, some stayed in the abyss of not wanting to grow up and wanting forever to stay just as they were when we were all AS kids.

Despite the changes, there were things that stayed the same. Nino is still the old-rich, ever-grounded pal who would always want to listen to what's happening in your life. Nagpapalibre pa rin, kahit na mayaman.

And Panet - being a wife and a mom - is still the funny yet brutally frank and in-your-face girlfriend who will give you the lowdown and her take on your issues.

I rarely hang out with them. As much as I would like to spend more long lunches or Tagaytay coffees with them, we all have things in our lives that pretty much takes up all of our time. But I'm glad that every now and then, when I need to catch my breath, I can come home to the comfort of their friendship.

If there's anything I'm grateful for being an AS tambay, I'm glad to have met them.

Press releases factory

I have to churn out a minimum of 7 press releases for my major event. So far, I only got 2 done. I was kidnapped by the Chairman to go to a site inspection with him out of town just as I finished buying my take-out lunch at the cafe. He asked me to give my take-out chow to someone and go with him to Market, Market for lunch. We're meeting the Ayalas since they're offering us a prime spot in one of their malls in the outskirts of Manila.

After lunch, we headed down south to the mall. We got back to Manila at past 3.

My day was almost gone and I have yet to write anything.

At past 7, here I am, blogging. I'm just too tired to write for work. So in between thinking of something to hype about my event, I am blogging and surfing Kenneth Cole's site for their latest on-sale items.

Nuninuninu. 5 more press releases to go.

Not-so-random acts of kindness

Yes, The Bitch has a heart. Two Saturdays ago, I treated the entire Marketing team to a McDonald’s pancake breakfast. Down and out with the tiresome October sale, I had to lift their spirits up with a very simple gesture – fed them and gave them a bit of a sugar high.

Last Saturday, my VM Officer was up to his ears with his load, not to mention with the bickering of the highs and the mighties. I shared with him my morning snack and my pack of West Ice.


Unforgivable oversight that I had to forgive

I hate it when I give VERY CLEAR instructions on a particular project – the specifics of what to do and what not – and yet end up getting a lousy report or output.

A week ago, I asked one of my Marketing Officers to fix the logistics requirement of a major event since I had to deload myself of the task. My plate was just so full. All she had to do was encode the pocket activities according to the schedule.

When the document came back to me, she got so confused she overturned some of the schedules. I ended up revising the entire thing myself.

Since when did 3:30 pm come earlier than 1:30 pm? I guess she left her brain at home that day.

Whew. I had to count 1 to 100 to just let this one slide and remind her to please, next time, read and try to understand.

Simpleng-simple.

It gets to me when team members don’t think when they do their tasks. That’s what they’re there for!

Impulses and random thoughts

1. Pizza and Chilean red wine from Trio. I like!

2. I’d rather go to Bangkok in January than attend the Sinulog in Cebu. Something that I couldn’t tell friends so I’m going, anyway.

3. How S&M. Mother Boss, after breathing down my neck and nagging me 24/7 about my projects, told me that my team is by far the best marketing team she ever had. And after slamming the phone on me twice in a row two days ago, told me today that she wants to send me to Hong Kong for PR training. Cariño brutal ito!

4. My younger sister is portraying a more schizophrenic and neurotic me. Distorted.

5. I want to drop one best friend off the list. I can’t believe how after going through so much with him, he can’t even empathize with me when I was going through hell the other day. Self-centered prick.

6. I’m tired. Need sleep.

7. Age 27. I used to think I’d be happily married at this time. But I’m also glad that I’m not. And yeah, I celebrated turning another year older last 17th of October.

8. Beach. Boracay. Galera. Nasugbu. Subic. I don’t care. I just want to be in the beach right now.

9. I want to read The Order of Phoenix, Harry Potter’s 5th book.

10. Taking life seriously shouldn’t exactly be part of my survival kit.

11. I would choose my pride and dignity over even the most sacred of friendships. Very true when I know I have reached my limit for giving so much – much more than I normally offer.

12. Unconditional love is not true for me. I’m just not capable of it.

13. Blessed to be stressed. Blessed to be stressed. Blessed to be stressed.

14. I love my team. Lucky to have very efficient, smart and hardworking members.

How Miss Saigon felt

As soon as I finished breakfast, I propped myself on the rocking chair and read the Inquirer.

Before I left Manila, things were pretty much quiet in the Middle East, as read on the papers and seen on TV. I was surprised to read in the headlines today that 9 US soldiers were killed in one of the bloodiest encounters in Iraq. A Japanese tourist was beheaded since the Japanese Prime Minister refused to pull their troops out from Iraq.

In Afghanistan, 3 tourists were hostaged. The terrorists were threatening to behead them if UN and foreign troops do not pull out of Kabul since the Afghan elections is drawing near.

Whenever there is news about the war in Muslim countries where our OFWs or US troops are deployed, I would feel for their families. I would feel strongly about the issue of terrorism in general as a global concern.

But this morning, when I read the papers, the hair in my arms and nape raised, my heart beat faster and there was a sick feeling in my gut. Tears were welling up my eyes as I tried to hold them back so my friends won’t see and make a big fuss out of it.

Yes, I already have a very personal stake in the Gulf.

The Buddy is in the US Army. Thus, the two years absence to be deployed in one of the treacherous and US Army-unfriendly countries in the Middle East.

He used to joke about him going home boxed in a coffin. He used to tease me by asking if I will cry in his wake.

I used to laugh along with him. But now, I didn’t find the jokes funny at all.

They hurt.

This is the last – and the worst – situation I want to be in. But I am.

I texted one of our common friends and told her the panic that I felt. She texted me back and said, “You really love him.”

I probably do. But right now, that doesn’t matter. I’m just waiting for him to come home - alive and in one piece.

It’s about time!

I was too dazed and confused (how cliché-ish can I be!?!?) to write about anything. Add to that the monstrous to-dos and paperwork piled up on my desk.

Yeah, yeah. Excuses, excuses. Two weeks of not blogging. At least it’s not a month!


He came, he saw and he conquered

So what’s the hoolabaloo in that emotional blah – manic-depressive, to say the least – as reflected in the most recent entries?

Hello? Ano pa ba? What’s news and what friggin’ gives?

The Buddy.

Drum roll, please.

Finally!

He arrived.

The usual routine: He called me an hour after his plane touched down in Manila to inform me he’s back. Of course it was a consensus: We have to see each other.

It was my first day in Nasugbu, Batangas when I got his call. I was regretting that I joined the junket going there rather than bringing my car. I wanted to head back to Manila as soon as my talk in the conference was over so I can see him.

We saw each other the following week.

The lowdown?

Some friends thought I’d be goo-goo eyed and lovestruck. I thought so myself. But when I saw him – it was a warm, flushed, comforting feeling. I was just so glad to see him. I hugged him the moment I sat down on the passenger seat of his car. It just felt so good to see him again. It was just like I saw him days ago.

There was confirmation about everything. No more “dudes” or “pares.” There was something between us. Whatever “spark” our friends and other people saw when we’re together – it’s just there. It only needed acknowledgment.

But this time – there wasn’t anyone around. We’re alone. No officemates. No former CEO. No teasing or cajoling. No “Uuuy, yiheeee. Bagay kayo.”

This time, it’s US who will check things out. It’s us who will know.

It’s there. It’s been there the whole time.

So what now? What’s going to happen after the confirmation?

Eh, di wala.

Like what I expected, it was just something that we both needed to know and confirm. Yes, there is attraction between us but with both our feet on the ground, we both know this isn’t going anywhere.

He will be gone for two years. He wants me to fly to where he is. Pero hindi naman ako tanga na maglulustay ng tatlong libong dolyares para sa isang bagay na malabo.

We both want a sequel. But there is nothing on the table. Nothing was offered because we both know we can’t and we’re both not sure. The circumstance didn’t give us a chance to actually find out. It only allowed us to know and acknowledge how we feel.

Baduy na ending? Bitin?

Perhaps for some who wanted a happy ending for me and him (because either they’re my friends or our common friends) and for those who wanted me to have a tragic one with an in-my-face reality check that I was just dreaming the whole time (these are prob’ly those who had grudges and who wanted me to fall flat on my face.). Bitin nga.

Admittedly, bitin for me. But who said life is fair and I can have everything I want?

Nevertheless, I found the more important bottomline.

Despite the 2-week roller-coaster ride with matching honeymoon period, fights, disappointments, frustrations, crying bouts, redemption and making up (yes, all in two-weeks time!), I am now more than ever, certain:

I love The Buddy. I am not goo-goo sappy in love with him. I love him as a person. As a best friend. As someone who will always be a part of me. In a convoluted way, he is a romantic desire, an alter ago, a brother, a best friend all rolled into one.

There’s no happy ending, since nothing has ended yet.

But it’s happy.

True test of faith and friendship

Kung nais mong maibalik ang pagtitiwala at dating samahan, muli kang umakyat mula sa ibaba hanggang sa tugatog ng talaan ng pakikipagkaibigan. Kung may nais kang patunayan, muli kang lalakad sa mga basag ng salamin, tulad ng nabasag na tiwala at pagmamahal.

Patunayan mong nararapat ka na muling ituring na isa sa pinakamatalik at pinakapinagkakatiwalaan; isa sa mga pinakamamahal at pinagpipitagan.

Minsan lang ibigay ang pagkakataon. Ngunit ang pagkakataon ay walang ipinangangakong pagbabalik ng nakalipas. Kapatawaran lamang at hindi paglimot ang nakalaan.

Hindi sapat ang paumanhin. Dahil puso at kaluluwa ang sa iyo ay inilaan sa ngalan ng pakikipagkaibigan.

Escapist

I just want to sleep. Or drink as much red wine as I can.

I just want to get it over and done with.

I know it's not a healthy disposition. I have so much to be grateful for. The Powers-That-Be gave me so many blessings.

But right now, the hurt is just so unbearable I just want to sleep it off so I can wake up next Monday.

Then it's a brand new day.

Answered what-ifs

When things have been confirmed, what next?

Now that my questions have been answered, it actually lead to more questions.

Sometimes when I feel angsty and frustrated that I cannot do anything about things and I cannot control the circumstances, I would wish that I never knew or never felt it.

Or that I should have never seen him again.

But I know as well that I'm lying.

Despite the sadness that it brought me - with the acceptance that feelings can never be enough to risk, to continue, or to constantly have the person with you - I feel relieved that I now know.

And grateful that I had the chance to find out.

Grateful, that though I never told him, I made him feel what is.

Sick

'Been sick for two days now. Straight from Chateau Royale, Nasugbu for a speaking engagement, I've been down with stomach trouble and fever. The doctor's verdict: shellfish poisoning.

I ate oysters and mussels at Josephine's in Tagaytay. I only had some and didn't realize that my stomach is this sensitive. So that's a lesson for me - no shellfish. EVER.

Seek

This is a quiet weekend. I am home. I only go out of the apartment to check on my car. The Boyfriend is out of town and won't be back until tomorrow.

During these moments, I find myself searching for answers.

Barely two weeks from now, I am again turning a year older.

27.

When I was in college, I saw the age of 27 as the right time and age for me to get married.

So where am I going now?

A major part of me knows I am nowhere near ready.

But the question is - why? What's keeping me from taking the plunge?

I have found the perfect husband-material. Good boyfriend, good friend. A would-be good husband and father of our future child.

While all my high school and college female classmates are putting pressure on their boyfriends to marry them, here I am - trying to evade it and actually plotting out all forms of machinations to delay it.

Until now, I am seeking for the answers.

But maybe - just maybe - it's already time. At the very least, it's high time to seriously think about it - and consider.

Playing dirty

After training in the gym, The Bad Boy and I went to Ice Bar for a few rounds. Over his usual Jack Daniel's and my not-so-usual dry martini, we were discussing an issue that we always end up waxing philosophical about: playing.

Again, we were dissecting the whys and the hows of playing and being monogamous. I was trying to understand it from the men's point of view and being a self-confessed player himself, there was no one else that would be more credible to talk about it but him.

His take on the matter was really very insightful. I was actually enlightened by our conversation! Up until this morning, I can't help but go back to the things we talked about and I finally came to the conclusion that he is right about a lot of things.

Distilling his opinions and mine, I came up with the conclusion that women know how players are. They know the game. But women's judgment are muddled by the emotions they attach to the player and to the relationship, hoping that the rules of the game may change or they might be an exception to the rule. But the rules don't change. And when you're in the game, there aren't really any exceptions.


Befriending the enemy

Speaking of The Bad Boy:

I have cultivated - unintentionally - a strong bond and friendship with him. Others may see him as an obnoxious skirt-chaser. A proverbial playboy. But I saw a person with substance. Someone who has enough decency to admit who he is and yet sees the potential of who he wants to be.

As scheming as he could be with current prospects, I'm glad that he values our friendship and treats me with utmost respect. I was very impressed - and deeply moved - that he saw the friendship as something for the long haul, to not be tainted by temporal carnal desires and senseless flirting.

Oh get real, we do flirt. But at the end of the day, we both know that talk is cheap. This friendship is for real.


Waiting in vain

Have I been waiting in vain? After all this time of incessantly thinking about our possibilities, is this all going to waste after all?

When the ship has sailed

Okay, more sober now.

And yes, now that both my feet have landed back on the ground, I had a few notable realizations that I just have to write down. Some were from friends’ and loved-ones current goings-on, others my own. It would be best and safest not to divulge which ones are mine and which aren’t.
Not in any particular order of importance:

1. How I define sinful indulgences: They can be likened to eating chocolate when you’re on a diet. You crave for it, and then decide to give in and eat the chocolate and feel terribly guilty after.

2. That when you get away with a transgression, you don’t get away with it and from it after all. Because YOU know. And because you can never run away from yourself.

3. That there is courage in the admission of weakness. And the best way to not succumb to your weakness is to start admitting that you have it.

4. That you may want to veer away from something that you know will not be good for you but not do anything about it because the flesh is weak.

5. That there will be a lot of first attempts in staying away from something bad but fail to do so. But you pick the pieces up and try again. The next attempt may be the one that will let you get out of the vicious cycle.

6. That you may comfort a friend that you feel has done one of the biggest mistakes in her life, not agree with her decisions, but still be there for her –not condoning what she does – but still be a good friend and understand.

7. That ideal relationships may fall apart, that something you believe was institutional may crumble to the ground. Everything changes, but you should never stop believing. Never stop having faith.

Keeping the faith while keeping it real

At a time when something I strongly believed in, someone I looked up to turn out to be the actual opposite, it feels like heaven and earth both crumbled down and crushed me. And I am buried in the rubble. I tend to question ideologies, principles, faith. At a time when I feel like losing hope, I hang on to friendship. I hang on to trust.

Right now that I am, again, losing hope, I badly, awfully wish The Buddy is here to knock some sense into me and help me find meaning to everything that is happening. I am banking on – nay, holding on – to what we have.

Friendship. Trust. Truth. Faith. The things that matter the most to me at this moment. Everything that makes me keep on believing.

Post-Singapore notes

I just got back from Singapore. And I am a bit wasted while writing this so if there are any grammatical screw-ups, that’s alcohol talking.

I LOVED this trip! It’s not the first time but it’s more memorable. I stayed there for five days, didn’t go around much within the city but I had a lot of fun.

I will be posting a more detailed blog about the Singapore trip and the rave I received from other countries and markets about my presentation – when I am more sober. Hehehe.

As a teaser, I had a VERY nerve-wracking, mind-blasting, albeit dangerous trip-ender. It was a lot of FUN and a lot of risk! But that’s what life is about. Sinful, but all so worth it!

Bar, bar, bar

Three of my closest friends are taking the bar this whole month of September. Dearies, I wish all of you luck – Maitz, Thea and Len. Len, sorry for the late greetings, but let me give you an advance congratulatory note. Cheers to my soon-to-be lawyer-friend. You have to be one – it’s destiny. And I’m banking on you passing the bar to bail me out of future skirmishes with the law (though I don’t exactly wish to have any!).

Ala-MTRCB

When I write in this blog, I protect some of the people I write about by not posting names. Thus, the monickers I have baptized some of the people who I know would figure in the blog a lot – The Boyfriend, The Buddy, The Bestfriend, The Archer (there’s more to him later, again, when I get more sober.). I didn’t realize though that it would land some people I really care about in trouble and in some issues.

Thus, some clarifications:

I am sincerely sorry if I got someone into a bit of trouble about something I wrote here previously. I did not implicate people here to be incriminated. This is not about them. This is ABOUT ME. And MY life. How I think. And feel.

BUT: I will not apologize about writing. This blog contains pure thoughts, feelings – whatever I think and feel.

But I also feel sorry for some who would take advantage of the write-ups to satisfy whatever it is they would want to achieve on their end.

Thus, I will continue to write about whatever I feel like writing. I will protect who needs protecting, but I hope others will not use these for their personal gain.

Bato-bato sa langit, ang tamaan, tinamaan. No apologies for it.

Chasing liberty

The scariest things are usually the most worthwhile.

Observer's notebook: how Pinoys deal with business clients

I've been dealing with clients, vendors, distributors and advertising executives for almost a year now. When I start and end business calls, I would usually extend my hand for a formal handshake before and after the meeting - especially if it's the first encounter.

What's weird is that most of them, after the meeting and during follow-up client calls, would extend their cheek or pull you closer to them, indicating that you end the conversation, the coffee or dinner meeting with a peck on the cheek. "Beso," is the more familiar term for it.

It's such a Pinoy thing. We "beso" everyone. Even the people we don't really know but we think we've met somewhere before.

I would always "beso" friends when I see them in parties, bump into them in malls or cinemas, or when saying goodbye after hanging out. But "beso-ing" a client or an advertising exec after signing a contract to seal the deal is a different story.

I don't know. Am I just being uptight about it? I still prefer the handshake. Clients are clients. You meet them formally, under the premise of a professional meeting. You may become friends with them eventually, but you still met them because of something work or business-related.

I just find it weird. Until now, it still feels a bit awkward when a client or business partner pulls me closer for a "beso."

A word, finally

It’s usual for me on a Saturday morning to rush going to work. Photo finish, as we call it. Last Saturday wasn’t any different. With my hair still towel-wrapped and as I was ransacking my closet for a casual top and a pair of jeans, my phone rang.

I didn’t want to answer it since it was peculiar for someone to be calling me at that time. 3, 4, 5 rings. What the heck. So I picked it up.

There wasn’t any cordial greeting on the other line. The guy just said “hello” excitedly several times, almost shouting.

I was so sure who it was but I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

The Buddy.

Finally!

After 4 months.

We stayed on the phone for a good half an hour, exchanging updates and plans. I’m leaving for Singapore next week so I’ve been very jittery about it, knowing that he could go home anytime this September.

Call me stupid, I was even toying with the idea of ditching Singapore. This is my first major presentation with all the Asia Pacific delegates. This is MY career! So slight nahimasmasan din ako.

It turns out, he has two options – this coming month or November. Either way, however, both months are toxic for me. There is another business trip coming in November.

However which way, I know I will do something to fix my schedule.

I won’t miss the chance. I don’t want to spend another year or so still wondering about it.

At least, not this time.

I barely made it to the office on time. I was putting on make-up while the traffic light was red. And I did beat the red light twice. A minute more and I would have been served a memo for being late.

Ask me if I cared. Hahaha!

The Pseudo-Boyfriend

Some girls call him the "Uhm Friend." As one blogger chica puts it, the Uhm Friend is that guy in your life that when you're asked who he is, your quintessential answer is, "He's, uhm, a friend of mine."

I call him the Pseudo-Boyfriend.

The Pseudo-Boyfriend is that cute guy in your life you want to hang out with or go to parties with. Definitely, there is tension between the two of you but he is not your boyfriend. You really don't want him to be, but still, you are attracted to him.

He adds spice to your life. He gives you that "kilig" factor. You talk to him every now and then, updating each other on what goes on in your lives. You check out new hole-in-the-wall restaurants together, watch movies or go to Timezone to play Time Crisis 3.

He is a friend. With benefits.

However, he is not The Fuck Buddy. That's another creature altogether.

Sometimes you kiss. Or you makeout. But you do not sleep with him. Either there is no chance or you don't want to take that giant leap.

He gives comfort and that warm, flushed feeling that you are cared for. That there is someone there for you.

You talk. But you do not bare your entire soul to him. Neither does he.

He is not the friend who you can be truly friends with.

You seldom, or NEVER talk about the other romantic partners in your life. Or if you are both aware that you are both in a relationship, your partners rarely make it to the conversation. You shun away the topic.

I think, at one point in their lives, a lot of women can relate to this. We've all had pseudo-boyfriends, one way or another.


Does The Buddy fit?

The term Pseudo-Boyfriend isn't actually an original of mine. Miguel, a former officemate, once taunted me that The Buddy was acting like one. He actually calls him "my" Pseudo-Boyfriend.

We stayed on the phone until the wee hours of the morning. We gave each other wake-up calls. We went out to watch movies. He used to drive me home.

BUT:

We never kissed. Neither did we EVER make-out.

Well, there was one weird incident inside the moviehouse (I refuse to divulge more details. Suffice it to say that what happened was still for General Patronage.). That freaked us both out.

No, he's not my Pseudo-Boyfriend.

He's probably going to stay as The Buddy.

A perennial friend.

The "We-may-never-know-what-we-have-or-what-could-have-been friend."

Now I need to find a new term for this.

Weekend Top 3

3 things I'm glad I did today
1. Spaced out to recharge.
2. Went out for coffee with the advertising execs.
3. Blogged.

3 things I'm sorry I did
1. Dropped my subject.
2. Texted The Archer Back. Grrr. Dapat hindi ko na sinagot!
3. Trusted some officemates with too much info.

3 milestones at work
1. Ironed out my advertising deals with the 2 major publications
2. Finished the September store look
3. Drafted my Christmas promo

3 gifts I got that made me feel I was appreciated
1. The dangling earrings from Yasmine and Jasmin
2. The bottle of shampoo with a gift card from James
3. The watch from The Boyfriend

3 favorite persons
1. CEO
2. That cute Advertising Exec
3. The Bestfriend

3 people I wanna kick or scream at when I see them
1. The former marketing manager
2. The former PR officer
3. The Archer

3 news I really felt bad about
1. Celia's breakup
2. The chismis from the former PR officer
3. Oil price hike

Happy weekend, honeys!

Blog bug

I've been bitten by the blog bug! I'm supposed to draft my preliminary marketing plan, but decided to space out. Heck - if they want my creative juices to flow, I need a damn break too, you know!

Yesterday marked our 2 years and 11 months. As some sort of prequel to the 3rd year anniversary celebration and some sort of hoorah party (after what we've been through for the past months, hell yeah, we deserve it!), The Boyfriend gave me this:



Wow. I was so touched. Last weekend, I was looking for a sports watch for myself - something I could use when I go to the gym. I didn't like the new Nike Presto because I was scared that it's way too easy for snatchers to just yank it off my wrist (goodbye, 4 thousand!).

I didn't ask The Boyfriend to buy me anything so until now, I can't help but feel "aaaaaaaaaaaw" about it. It was sensitive of him to have bought the watch for me. By the way, this is also the 3rd watch he's already given as a gift. 3rd watch on the 3rd year. Hmmm. Nice. But was he also implying that my time is running out? Tick-tock, tick-tock. Hahaha!


New monicker

Oh, The Boyfriend has earned a monicker among my friends. Some of them would ask over dinner, "So how's The Banker?"

Jovan calls him Bankero. Ang pangit!


Sending feelers

The Archer sent an sms last night asking how I am, if I am still alive and if I still remember him.

Helluuuuur.

Can we have enough of that already?

Bumenta na 'yan.

Post-sabbatical notes

More than a month of not blogging.

It seemed like a longer time for me. I got used to this blog as my sounding board whenever I wanted to rant about something. But things have been very busy for the past month. I barely had time to breathe, what more to write.

So what just happened?

1. I got promoted. Higher post, higher pay. But work is thrice as hard. I work 12-15 hours a day on the average. My skin breakout will atest to that.

2. I dropped out of school. Surprised? Yep, I did. It's suicide not to give something up, what with my new schedule. I haven't formally submitted my dropping papers and I am still toying with the idea of keeping my thesis subject, if it's not yet too late.

3. I hired another former ABSi officemate. I think I've mastered the art of luring my brilliant and talented former officemates into joining me into my current company. But I'm really very glad Yasmine is with me now.

4. The Archer left. We had a last hoorah gig 3 weeks before he left. It was a validation of what I already know. He was a mere infatuation I am now very over with.

Life is pretty much the same. Only, it gets harder and harder each new day.

Though I think I'm nearing the realization of my personal legend, it's also making me realize the higher price I have to pay for it. It's like fate telling me - you want more, then you have to give more. Worse, you just might have to give all.

What a day!

In the morning, I was woken up by my building's security guard. I needed to move my car from the parking lot. I drove around and couldn't find any so I had to go to my folks' house just to park! Damn it.

I had lunch with two girlfriends at Uno in Tomas Morato. On my way to ABS-CBN to visit old friends, I was too fast when I turned left so I hit the cab right in front of me. To avoid further hassle, I had to pay him the damages right there. There goes my shopping money. My car had no dent, but suffered minor scratches. Nothing that a rubbing compound couldn't handle, Jovan said. Still, it was kinda hassle and traumatic.

Sometimes I can't help but think that my life was less complicated when I was just hailing a cab. But then again, I love Fed and it's also convenient not to be stuck in the malls during sale periods or when it's raining and cab drivers would charge you P150 from Glorietta to Pasong Tamo!

Weekend Top 3

Top 3 thoughts in my head right now
1. My alleged promotion and movement to another business unit and how this is so freaking me out right now.
2. If this is still all worth it - The Boyfriend and I. I am losing the incentive to try to make things work.
3. It is possible to find a platonic, yet very strong connection to someone you barely know and bare your soul to the person.

3 predominant emotions as of this moment
1. Angry.
2. Excited.
3. Scared.

3 most influential men in my life
1. My boss - the CEO. He is such an inspiration. I feel lucky to have a mentor like him.
2. The Bad Boy - he makes me see friendship in a fresh light. Made me realize that I should give some people the benefit of the doubt without having to remove all cynicism and skepticism altogether.
3. The Archer - he made me realize a lot of things about myself. That I am still capable of a drastic paradigm shift. That I am tougher than I thought I was. That I can be REALLY evil.

3 most influential women in my life
1. Mom.
2. Grandmom.
3. My boss-to-be, the GM.

These 3 women have a lot of common denominators.

3 major realizations
1. Real friends will give it to you - tell you what you did wrong and what is fucked up with you. They will tell you in-your-face if they really are your friends. Consequently, that I don't consider those who can't as friends after all.
2. That in life, sometimes it is better not to quit. That you have to deal with the hand that you've been given, the cards that you've been dealt with.
3. That I still care about what other people think about me. That despite that I-don't-give-a-rat's-ass attitude, I can still be bothered by presumptions and mis/conceptions about me. BUT: that at the end of the day, the only opinions that matter most are those from people I truly care about. The rest of them can all go to hell for all I care (sorry I had to let that one out).

Top 3 things I thought I couldn't put up with but did
1. Player friends who are honest with me about their escapades.
2. Acceptance of the idea that yes, sometimes sex is just sex. It can happen even with the absence of emotional attachment.
3. Bosses who throw a fit and throw their weight around.

Top 3 dealbreakers
1. Dishonesty
2. Taking things for granted
3. Emotional unavailability

Just between friends

Sex is the fastest way to ruin a friendship. Or something to that effect; from Reality Bites.

No matter how good and steadfast your friendship is, sex has a way of changing how things are. When you've already crossed the line, there is no way to turn things around. No way of going back.

What's actually worse is jumping into it when the friendship is at its earliest stage and when it's just about to prove and unfold itself. Talk about pre-empting something that could have been a strong allegiance that would have been for the long haul.

And yes, no matter how logical and cerebral some of us would want to be, the temptation to cross the border is just too tempting.

So there goes another one... inevitably biting the dust.

Existentialist woes

Here I am, waxing philosophical again...

Honeypie was so surprised that I was also having the same exact sentiments right now - asking myself what I'm really supposed to do, what my personal legend is and how I'm going to find it.

When I was younger I wanted to go to law school. Oh yeah, I still do, but my time couldn't afford it. If I quit my job, I would have all the time but would not have the money for it.

Talking to Rich - a lawyer friend - was actually very inspiring. She started law school when she was 27 or 28. She said it's not yet too late for me.

But then again, there are a lot of things and projects in the offing for me. I am two semesters away from getting my Masters. I might leave for Sydney a year from now. At this point, the tides can take me just about anywhere.

I made a compromise with myself that if I don't leave for Sydney, I will move heaven and earth to go to law school.

Let's see how things go...

Loud and proud!

Last Monday, I-Witness featured the "Pink Peso," arguing whether this already exists. For those who are not very familiar with the lingo, pink peso is the money spent by gays and lesbians and their behavior with regard to expenditures.

In short, ano ang pinagkakagastusan ng mga lesbyana at bakla sa Pilipinas?

The conclusion of the docu is that there is already an emerging "pale pink peso." It's not as significant yet, but it can not be ignored anymore. A major indication would be the proliferation of exclusive bars catering to them - Bed, Blue Bar, Boysie's. I was able to party and hang out in the first ever exclusive for girls bar in Wilsons.

The gays have successfully veered away from their 1980s parlorista image, what with a lot of gay men coming out of the closet. These gay men are artists, professionals and businessmen who do not have children so they don't need to worry about tuition fees and what-have-yous. The same thing is true for lesbians.

In fact, most lesbians who do not have families to support have a lot of money to spend on their luxuries. I have a lot of lesbian friends who are lawyers, doctors, managers and executives who do not bat an eyelash spending P1,500 per night out.

Most definitely, this is an emerging market.

I'm very proud of these people who were able to dispel their 80s-90s stereotype of screaming fags or tibong mukha na talagang lalake.

See you guys at the White Party and the Pink Festival!

In full circle

I dreamt about you last night. In my dream, I was missing you terribly, wondering how you are now. I called all our friends, looking for you, taking my chance if they have heard from you after you went in the bootcamp.

Nothing.

I got more worried. I sensed that something was wrong. I need to know how you are.

Amidst the frenzy, my phone rang. It was you. You sounded anxious on the other line and as frantic as I am. You asked how I was and disclosed that you felt like there was a hollow block pressing on your chest and you were thinking of me. You were worried there was something wrong with me.

I burst into tears. I told you that I felt the same way, like there was something wrong and you needed me.

I was awoken by my alarm at 6am. There were tears in my eyes. They stained my pillow.

I couldn't get out of bed. My body felt numb and warm. I checked my temperature. As confirmed, I had a slight fever.

My dream about you was so lucid I am still worried until now.

When I got to the office, I had to call your best friend to check if he has heard from you. Nothing. He said I was probably one of the, if not, the last person you called before finally checking in for your training.

I am still hung up on the dream.

When you left again, I never thought of you on purpose. I never consciously looked for you, asked about you, knowing that it would be futile.

Now when I look back, I am realizing that you are the only one I run to when I seek for clarity. For balance, for logic. You are, like you claim to be, my best instinct half.

You were very impatient with indecisiveness, but tolerant of mine. You loathed aberrance and gray areas, but moved your paradigms to understand and accommodate mine. You were unforgiving of unfaithfulness but you accepted my indiscretions.

You accepted me for who I am.

Despite that, I had to run away. I was frightened that what we had was becoming too real. Too real for me that I had to make difficult choices - to stay in my comfort zone or leave everything else and take my chances on something true yet very uncertain.

We never had the chance, given our circumstances right now. And like you said, we may never know.

What's worse for me is I'm regretting that I may never know.

And that I have totally lost my chance to find out.

I was running away yet here I am, confronted by one of my greatest fears.

You.

Buddy, you are missed. If I could take that chance back, I will. And I feel sorry I didn't.

Top three

Top 3 things I want to do today
1. Drink that strong but yummy flavored frozen margarita at Cena or go out with Yel, get wasted in Temple or Tiananmen.
2. See The Archer for the send-off. Yeah, yeah, I know.
3. I want to do a make-over for my apartment. Like an anniversary thing. It's been a year now since I moved out.

Top 3 thoughts in my head
1. Is it true? James said both my free will and my destiny are linked. They coincide with each other so I just need to go with the flow and I will get there - to where I want to be.
2. Should I still consider the job that is being offered to me, what with the absence of the General Manager who originally talked me into it?
3. That some empowered women still want to be dominated into submission by men, for one reason or another.

Top 3 people I am thinking of today
1. The Archer. What's the comeback for?
2. The Boyfriend. What's it going to be?
3. My former Nanny. I need to call her for my apartment's cleanup.

Drifting and walking away

The first one is inevitable, with the rate of how things are going between you and me. As for walking away, we have been both mulling over the idea for the past several weeks now.

We're trying, but it seems like all the efforts are not enough.

If you ask me, I am more willing to let things go now than before.

Pity that a relationship nurtured for years will end this way. Much as I will be hurt, I will also be more than glad to see you off and let you find your way to where you will be truly happy.

Slumbook galore

It's 6:00 pm. I'm waiting for the traffic to subside before I go home. I'm a new manual driver, so afraid ako sa traffic!

I've already visited almost all of my friends' blogs. I've got nothing better to do so I stumbled upon Chegay's blog and I read her sorta-kinda trivia list. It's so high school pero gusto kong patulan...

Name Four Scents You Love:
Vanilla by The Body Shop (I wear it everyday), Africa Spa Dry Oil Mist by The Body Shop (not a perfume but I love the scent), D&G Light Blue and Armani for Women

Name Four Things You Are Thinking About Now:
The horrendous traffic I'm about to deal with a few minutes from now, The Bad Boy, Wanting to curl up in bed and sleep, wanting a hefty salary raise

Name the Last Four Things You Have Bought:
Nokia 6600, one black pointy-toed shoes, one brown sandals, one baby pink spandex shirt and one candy blue jogging pants for my gym sessions

Name Four Drinks You Regularly Drink:
coffee, red wine, lemonade, low-fat milk

Last Time You Cried?
Last month? Cried over my job and, hard to admit, but over Mr. Big Shot's being an asshole.

What's In Your CD Player?
Save The Last Dance Soundtrack

What Color of Socks Are You Wearing?
No socks. Wearing my new pointy shoes.

What's Under Your Bed?
Shoes, mobile phone charger

What Time Did You Wake Up Today?
6am

Current Hair?
Below the shoulders, straight, black

Current Clothes?
Black top with stripes, matching belt, light gray bootcut pants. Pang-office. Boooring.

Current Desktop Picture?
The current Guess models. I made the wallpaper myself. :-)

Current Worry?
How will I go to the parking lot without getting wet? It's raining hard!

Current Hate?
The cigarette smoke emanating from the nearby office.

Favorite Physical Feature(s) Of the Opposite Sex?
Eyes and lips

Last CD You Bought/copied?
Joss Stone

Favorite Place To Be?
Antonio's or Sonya's Garden in Tagaytay and San Juan, Batangas - the nearest getaway.

Least Favorite Place?
My office. I wish I had a cleaner, nicer office.

If You Could Play An Instrument?
I already do. Drums and flute.

Favorite Color(s)
Purple (pa rin!) and pink on me, blue on men

Do You Believe In An Afterlife?
Yes. There has to be.

How Tall Are You?
5'3 1/2.

Current Favorite Word/Saying?
"What the hell...?" and "Oh my goodness!"

Favorite Season?
Summer. Beach! Beach!

One Person From Your Past You Wish You Could Go Back And Talk To:
Melanie. An ex-girlfriend I ditched without any valid reason. Stupid.

Favorite Day?
Saturday!

Where Would You Like To Go?
Now? The beach. Boracay or Palawan.

How Many Kids Do You Want?
Just one. But The Boyfriend wants two.

Favorite Car?
Fed. My ever-reliable Honda City.

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away."

So I live for the highs. I crave for passion. I want to ride the roller coaster everyday. I yearn to feel, revel at the times that I feel hurt and celebrate all the triumphs like there's no tomorrow.

But isn't this what living life to the fullest means?

Bitch beach!

It was a spur of the moment thing. The Boyfriend and I both wanted to hit the beach tomorrow afternoon after I get off from work. I need more tan.

So off we went calling travel agents and beach resorts. Since it's last-minute, we were targetting Batangas or Subic. I was really excited, especially when I saw the web sites of La Luz and Laiya Coco Grove in San Juan, Batangas.

I called the agents to book us a reservation.

BUT NO!

Laiya is booked this weekend and La Luz is fully-booked until July.

Drats!

So much for the getaway.

But The Boyfriend is relentless. Tomorrow, we will drive to Tagaytay and Batangas. If we find a good beach, we go. If we don't we're spending the weekend in Tagaytay instead to vege-out at Sonya's Garden and have a really good massage in one of the spas there.

Let's see how it goes.

The Bad Boy Complex

Last weekend, I went out for coffee with a self-confessed bad boy friend of mine. Armed with my usual cafe' mocha, we were trying to dissect the bad boy phenomenon.

This breed loves women. Loving women is actually an understatement. It's like an addiction. They think and believe that the ratio and proportion of men and women are so skewed it would be such an injustice to decide to stay and be monogamous to just one.

Hanep sa prinsipyo at paniniwala.

Had he not been a friend of mine, I might have poured my cafe' mocha grande over his head.

I saw no point in arguing with him. I have seen the two sides of the coin, so to speak. I've played and have been played.

And he does seem to have a point when he said, "despite the knowledge that we are players, why do women still want to be with us? If they don't want to, they should just stay away."

Oo nga naman. Some women are drawn to bad boys. Admittedly, I had my own bad boy streak, too.

But you see, this breed - most of the time - are good-looking. They come in very attractive packages. They are natural-born charmers whom you can't help but be drawn to.

I actually have a theory about it. Women are drawn to bad boys because of their maternal instinct to try and tame the straying, hoping for a conversion of some sort. At the back of our heads, we want them to change - from bad to good - while they are in a relationship with us.

But you know, I've come to realize that monogamy - and being good in general - is a conscious choice. And while these bad boys are still having the time of their lives playing and cruising, the day is yet to come for them to make that smart decision.

I am not sure if I am totally over my bad boy phase. I am hoping I am. And I dare not tread that path again. This breed is best left as friends and hang-out buddies.

Fishy, fishy

I think I have too many lucky cards today at work.

1. The Prexy issued a memo assigning me a service car and a driver when he found out I wasn't being prioritized in the use of company-owned vehicles.

2. Come September, the General Manager wants to take me to the training abroad.

All this after seriously contemplating irrevocable resignation.

Hmmm...something is definitely up.

And The Buddy, once again, leaves...

I received an overseas call after lunch. It was The Buddy. He's saying goodbye. For five months, he will be out of touch since he's going in the bootcamp today.

No phone calls, text messages, emails. Nada.

I've been sweet-talking him to go home in September so we could fly to Bora and have a grand break before he goes to Europe for three friggin' years.

We couldn't stay long on the phone - so he just wished me well and asked me to take care of myself.

It's like saying goodbye all over again.

And being crushed into pieces.

All over again.

Minus a hundred bitch points, but…

No matter how many times I watch “My Best Friend’s Wedding,” I still cry buckets of tears when Dermot Mulroney sings “The Way You Look Tonight” to Julia Roberts while they dance in the boat as it crosses under a bridge. Or when Julia finally concedes that she lost her to another girl (Cameron Diaz), when she delivers her wedding spiel as the maid of honor and when Dermot finally says goodbye to her at the wedding reception.

Why?

1. I’ve always felt that this will happen to me – that I will lose someone I truly love to someone else because I have taken him/her for granted; only realizing the person’s real worth and my true feelings when they’re almost gone;

2. I could relate to Julia Roberts’ concoction of evil plans, machinations and manipulations to steal her guy best friend from the fiance’. Oh yeah – even if what it takes is for me to ruin or stop a wedding before the actual day or even at that same day. Yep, I think I am capable of doing just that.

3. I could very well relate to having another guy best friend – a gay one – the so called “fag of my life,” who will help me create a whole fiasco to get the guy back.

4. I could fully empathize with at first wanting to get the ex-boyfriend cum best friend back because I want to prove that – hell yeah – I am THE woman in his life. The only one at that. But at the end of it all, I might be able to do something that crazy because I love the guy.

5. Lastly, I think I am the guy best friend’s Jel-O. He may think he wants crème brulee, but the fact is, he really want’s Jel-O. He’s comfortable with Jel-O. And crème brulee, will NEVER be Jel-O.

Although Dermot married Cameron and they did end up together, I created my own version of the movie. That Dermot will realize that the all-sugar-and-spice-and-everything-nice Cameron is just too sweet it’s too annoying. They get divorced and Dermot comes running back to Julia.

Hah.

Maybe it’s not minus a hundred bitch points after all.

Grrrrr moments

My entire day was spent waiting.

Waiting for 7 friggin' hours in a government office for a clearance that could have been made in just an hour.

Waiting for one boss to make up his mind and sign one of my contracts. In a day, there were 3 revisions in the dang contract which have already been revised 5 times over a period of 6 months. And they want me to reach my targets of store openings for the entire year.

Putang ina.

Waiting for another boss for my team's cash reimbursements and for the decision to roll out another store opening.

Waiting... and waiting for me to reach my team's targets so I could bargain a raise - which I know is a loooong shot.

Sometimes, I can't help but mull over my career options. All the aggravations, the stress and the pressure are not proportionate to my compensation. At the end of the day, I can't help but feel that this is all not fuckin' worth it.

Two more long semesters to go and I'll be getting my Master's degree. From there, I can already device a contingency plan. Where I'm going, what I really want to do.

Minsan tuloy, I'm already getting tempted to accept The Boyfriend's offer to fly to Sydney and just live a quiet life there being a stay-at-home wife cum mom with a consultancy on the side.

Hey, I love being the on-the-go career girl that I have been for the past 7 years. But right now, I am not sure if I am in the right place. I know there is something better OUT there.

Calling all my friends who have job openings and vacancies. Yuhooooo! I'm over here!

Summer wishlist

I'm back from my vacation. Barely 30 minutes in Metro Manila, I could already feel the heat getting into me. Mainit na naman ang ulo ko --- thinking of my long list of to-dos at work. Not to mention one more paper that I have to finish for school. Aaaarg. When will all this be over?

Anyway, to make myself feel better and with the escapist in me trying to let loose, I browsed through my favorite online shopping sites and found these yummy eye candies. The cool colors would just make you chill!

And if after a week I'd still feel exhausted from Manila's scorching heat, I will treat myself with some retail therapy. Woohoo!

1. Jelly Kelly bag



2. Guess blue vinyl shades



3. Guess gradient turqoise watch

Baby-sitter jitters

I just hired a new employee two weeks ago. I don't know if it's just me with very high expectations, but I feel like I'm baby-sitting!

Last week, he mismatched order forms which of course led to mismatched deliveries in the warehouse. It was a good thing that I double-checked the invoices. Otherwise, we would have sent out the wrong products to the wrong stores.

Jovan, I feel like I'm strolling down memory lane here. Remember when you used to complain about someone spacing out right smack in the middle of a work day? I can totally relate to that now!

What's actually worse is that he is so caught up in his own world that he won't go beyond his tasks. You have to tell him what to do. I don't like pencil-pushing and checking up on him every step of the way drained my energy. It feels like I aged five years in two weeks.

I don't think my Vitamin C and E skin reviving products could ever catch up with the years I lost training him.


Happy, happy, joy, joy!

At least we have a five-day recluse because of the Holy Week. Thank, God I live in a predominantly Catholic country! This is one of the very rare moments I am grateful that I live in the Philippines.

I'm going to Sentosa for three days. That's a much-needed, well-deserved break right there.


Not your on-call party girl

To you, Mr. Big Shot: I'm not your 24/7 party girl who you can call anytime you want to go out and get wasted. You lost the direct line a long time ago.

Had you been - at the very least - consistent and considerate, we could have had the most fun times and the best parties together.

Too bad you were an asshole.

Pardon my french.


Sleepless in Seattle

You know who you are. This is a tribute to you.

Thank you.

For making me feel better. For listening. For the letters that made me smile. For making me breeze through stressful days at work.

For sharing.

For you.

Weekender pop quiz

This is just a passing thought as I was driving in EDSA today:

In the advent of the Internet and mobile phone, having an illicit affair has become much more convenient and a whole lot easier.

So I was asking myself,

- While you are inside a committed relationship and you are flirting with someone on the Internet through chatting and email (ala You've Got Mail), is that considered straying?

- In the same manner that if you are having phone sex with someone, does that mean you already slept with him/her and you actually cheated on your partner?

Some people would argue that it's still cheating because there is a third party involved and that party shares something intimate with you while you are inside a relationship. On the other hand, others would say it's the safest thing since technically, you did not really sleep with the person.

Wow-talk about blurring the boundaries. Technology does have a way of making our lives more complicated.

My stand on this - actually, I haven't really given it much thought. But I guess the bottomline is, no affair would be consummated if you are contented with who you are currently with. Carrying on an illicit affair never crossed my mind if I am happy and currently in nirvana with someone. So I think an affair fills up a void in people's romantic relationships that have turned stale or sour.

What's news?

On the Archer - epilogue

Hah. He couldn't stand not texting or talking to me. So he finally did. But finally, too, I came to my senses. No friend would blow me off at the first sign of threat or danger.

When he tried to get in touch with me again, I definitely gave it to him. With finality, I said let's stop the charade. If we can't trust each other then let's stop sharing ourselves in friendship.

Talk about dropping someone like a hot patatas. I still texted him one last message -- one last hoorah. And I finally closed it.


Reunion rave

I ended up going to the reunion after all. Actually, I texted Ryan and attempted to bail out at the last minute. But he gave me a dose of emotional blackmail --- "how could you, this is a one-time thing? Yada-yada-yada..." and hang up the phone on me. I was trying to call him back but he wouldn't answer. Drama king!

So I went at half-past 10. Ryan was at the door of District so after parking, I hugged him. With puppy-dog eyes, I begged him, "Bati na tayo." Hahaha! How can he not forgive?

I had a blast at the party and I'm so glad I went. I saw old friends, ex-girlfriends, ex-boyfriends. There was a lot of booze, dancing and flirting with high school puppy loves. No, I didn't get my share. I spent a lot of time with an ex-girlfriend - but just to update each other on what's happening in our lives.

Ang saya-saya! The party ended at 4am. We stopped by Rufo's for an early breakfast. I ended up going home at 6am. It was so much fun that a lot of the guys who went wanted another round of drinks this Saturday.


Web get-together

Speaking of reunions and Saturday night-out, Goy organized a Web reunion. I am going to see The Family again. I'm excited. I miss them so much. I miss the huddle area, the Monday update meetings with Jesse, Liza's mentoring.

Although I am getting the hang of it here at work already, I don't think I will ever get to work with another team like them. Best team I ever had. Willing ako pa-demote just to be with them again. As long as my paycheck won't get demoted, too!

Friendivas

Belated happy birthday, Emer and Romy!

The Buddy will be celebrating his on the 17th. Dude, miss na miss na kita. Sana may pasalubong from Mexico. Kahit burrito, tabla na.

Chegay has a blogger na! Chegay, can I link you already?

Reunion blahs

This coming Saturday is our 2nd high school reunion. I don't know why I feel like I'm not up for it.

This sounds bad, pero tinatamad ako.

I feel that the get-together lacks sincerity. Reunions are supposed to bring back the good ol' memories of hanging out in the gym while waiting for our cars and school buses, running down the corridors of the old building, boy and girl watching.

But I get this feeling that all that's going to happen there is people bragging about themselves - what car they're driving, who they're currently with, what job they're in right now.

Well, I didn't turn out pretty bad myself. In fact, I like where I am right now.

It's just that I want to be there for the reunion - for its real intent and purpose - to catch up and see old faces that I sometimes miss.

Let's see what's going to happen.

I wonder if my first love is going to show up.

Writer’s block

I haven’t been blogging because

1. I was out of town. I went to Lipa and Dagupan.
2. I was busy looking at Friendster profiles.
3. More importantly, I don’t have anything to write about! Seriously, I couldn’t think of anything significant.

It’s another weekend, so here are some interesting turn of events:

Finding someone, finally

A very good friend of mine finally found a girlfriend! After 25 years of single-blessedness that felt like eternity, this brother already found his girl.

What can I say? Bro, I am very happy for you. You know who you are. I want to mention you here but I’m not sure if I’m allowed to already.

Thank you for coming to me for advice, too. I am flattered.


Happy Women’s month!

Several months ago, The Archer caught my ire because he popped a question that I felt was very offensive to me – as a woman, as a person.

Yes, he knows I went out with women. We clinically discussed what goes on in my head, how I feel about it, why I am attracted to them.

After that very sensitive self-disclosure, he asked me --- of course, jokingly, if we could have a threesome.

I am already used to this – asked by a lot of guy friends all the time. It has been a quintessential question that I have learned to brush off. Some men, horny toads as they are --- will always think with their heads down there.

What made it worse was that he REPEATEDLY asked and the context was more of – if he could be lucky to get away with it, he would!

His ignorance cum arrogance even brought him to argue --- having a threesome is just a few notches above being a lesbian.

I swear, when I heard this I wanted the earth to swallow him whole!

I had to retort – does this mean if you can kill a fly you can kill a person?

Para sa mga lalakeng ganito mag-isip, sana itinuturo sa paaralan nila ang paggalang sa babae at sa kung anuman o sinumang tao ang piliin nilang makasama o makaniig sa buhay. Babae man o lalake.

Saan nga ba siya nag-aral?

Sa Ateneo lang naman.


Who said life is fair?

For 2-3 weeks, I was fuming mad I was plotting to murder him. When I was already a bit more pacified, I was now only set in conniving to arrange him a threesome with a bisexual acquaintance who has been into threesomes, foursomes, what-have-you, drugs and alcohol and another girl who is preferably positive with an STD.

He knows he totally pissed me off.

But he knows how to pacify my wrath.

Nanligaw in short. He was nicer, he extended himself.

Since I don’t like bearing grudges, I decided to become friends again. Benefit of the daw.

Things went smoothly from there. We became friends again – we talked about anything and everything under the sun.

Yesterday, however, was a 180 degrees turn. It was my turn to hit his sensitive cord.

What did I do?

People don’t know we know each other, see each other, much less hang out and talk about very sensitive things.

Yesterday, he made me think he accidentally “outed” me as a bisexual to one of my staff who happens to be very homophobic. I knew he was kidding.

You want psychological warfare – I’ll give you just that.

I told him I’m not very worried since I told that same person that we see each other, hang out and get drunk at some occasions. So what else should I hide?

That was a sensitive cord.

He FREAKED OUT.

I tried to pacify him. It was nothing but a big dumb joke that he started in the first place.

I did apologize – three times. Quota na sa pangatlo.

Until now he’s giving me the cold shoulder and I don’t know until when this is going to last. I think I have already extended myself. If he won’t budge – laglagan na lang sa ere.

Such is the predicament of people with skeletons in the closet.

Moral lesson of the story:

Be careful in pulling pranks off, the joke might just be on you.

Another moral lesson:

You can't expect to get the same level of understanding and forgiveness you extended to someone.

So what comes next?

Have you ever had an experience where you were so attracted to someone that you practically placed him on a pedestal? You feel like there is NOTHING – and absolutely NO ONE – that will come close to the person. You think that everything and EVERYONE else would pale in comparison.

The raw feeling of melting when you see him, of your knees getting wobbly, of becoming goo-goo eyes with the mere sight of him like you were back in high school ogling at your teenage crush, of feeling the butterflies flitting in your stomach, of your heart thumping and feeling like it’s in your throat – all of which make you feel happy, intoxicated, sad, hurt and crazy all at the same time.

Though normally this isn’t you, the schizophrenic-like state is something that you open yourself up to.

But what if afterwards you see something – a flaw, a quirk – on the person that creates a chip on the pedestal? And you discover some more: quirk after quirk that annoys you, flaw after flaw that you realize you couldn’t possibly put up with?

What happens to the pedestal when it crumbles down?

Dark, dirty, sexual thoughts

This afternoon, I spoke to The Buddy. Thus, this blog.

We talked about sex.

Getting laid.

Sleeping with someone.

Your usual garden variety of exchanging bodily fluids.

It was actually more of an intellectual discourse about the difference between men and women in terms of having sex.

As I was telling him, men can get away with sleeping with women without emotional attachment. Although some women can already get away with it -- having sex like men -- sans the emotional hoolabaloo, most women still go to bed with emotional baggages.

We ended up rationalizing the cliche' "Men give love to get sex, while women give sex to get love."

I think it still comes from our double-standard - that it's okay for men to philander and that women should restrain themselves from their sexual urges.

Being hailed from a conservative exclusive Catholic school, I was even taught that making out is evil, that we will go to hell if we do.

Hellooooo!

Believe me, I went through self-righteous, hypocritical sermons like that in high school.

This must be the reason why I rejoiced when Sex and the City was born - where women can say blow-jobs and cunnilingus out loud.

It's not that I advocate sleeping around. In fact, I don't. But I'd be lying if I say I've never toyed with the idea of sleeping with someone just because I want to.

And I want to break free of the double-standard.

Men are being men if they sleep around.

Women who do are whores and sluts.

Pare-pareho lang tayong tao.

Moving forward

Right now, I'm wishing things didn't have to change between us.

If you listened...

Or at the very least, if you tried to reach out...

We would have turned out fine.

The loathe of my life

Somewhere in the deep, dark crevices of my mind and my soul, I miss HIM.

Con, one of my friends, asked me why exactly I do.

I miss the conversations, the text messages. The attention.

I miss the flirtation. I miss HIM.

To be very objective about it, I am probably yearning for Him since it was an unfinished conquest.


Solved mystery about the dang donuts

Speaking of conquests...

I finally mustered enough patience to line up and get two dozens of assorted donuts at Go Nuts Donuts.

The Politician picked me up in my gym at past 6 last Saturday. I begged him to go with me to The Fort and line up for the much sought-after pastry.

My take on it: The donuts were very tasty. The dough was soft and moist. I loved the peanut butter, pastillas de leche, strawberry and chocolate.

BUT: They weren't really worth lining up for almost an hour.

The Politician even chided: "Bat ang haba ng pila? Magkaka-orgasm ba tayo after tasting this?"

Oh well - if it would make me then I'm buying three friggin' dozens!

Tama si Mira. The donuts were, well, donuts.

Yep, they weren't orgasmic but better than the others.

Wala lang

There are some things that we know we want but we also know we can't have.

Or sometimes, we want something so badly just because we know we can't have it.

Or when we've already gotten something we thought we wanted, we'd realize it's not what we really want.

Hmmm... gulo ba?

Happy weekend, guys!

Status update

The Politician

Introducing a new character in my life...

Actually, it's more of a resurrection. The Politician is a friend from college. He comes from a political family somewhere down south. I met him when I was about to graduate already and was working in Malacanang at the same time.

We hit it off immediately because of one common denominator: political issues. About FVR, the pork barrel, elections, etc.

I'm not sure if we went out with each other. He took me out to dinner, the one at the Westin poolside being the most memorable. We would talk for hours. If that's how "going out" is defined, then perhaps we did.

He was actually kidding that he needed an Evita (Peron) in his life and would like someone who is well-versed in social issues. Duh! Hint-hint!

We made a pact that when he decides that it's his turn to run for office, he would look for me (in case we grow apart) and hire me as a campaign consultant.

Just like some other friendships that drift apart, we did. We didn't speak to each other for 5 (or was it 6?) years.

Last week, I got the surprise of my life when he texted me and asked me how I am. He called my Mom's house, introduced himself to Mom and got my contact numbers. Being the charming politico, my Mom liked him even before so he really didn't have a hard time asking for my digits and where I now live.

We met up over the weekend to catch up. Apparently, he is now running this coming elections! And the reason why he sought me out was because of that really childish pact to tell me about it. He is also asking me if I still have enough time on my hands to be some sort of campaign consultant.

Plus... he hinted that he is single and available. Hmmm.. I guess on the lookout for his Evita.



On The Archer

The Archer and I are in speaking terms once again. But this time, the messages and the conversations are both polite and calculating - sometimes convivial especially when there are other people around.

My take on the progression of the relationship: we could have been great friends if he took time to get to know me instead of trying too hard to get into my pants.

[Dirty thought on my head: Or he could have gotten into my pants if he allowed our friendship to grow first. Mwahahahah. Just a dirty thought.]

I'm toying with the idea of forgiving (but hell, not forgetting) and giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Or should I?


On The Buddy

The Buddy's cousin died last week. The cousin was fatally shot twice in a brawl in San Francisco. He was devastated, but trying to cope.

Despite the hysteria, he managed to coordinate with the police and fix his cousin's stuff. He is really very cerebral. Galing talaga.

And I am moved that when it happened, he sought me out to let me know and to tell me how he feels.



About the job

I decided that it's premature to find a new job right now. Barely on my 6th month, it won't look good if I resign and leave all my projects hanging. I'll try to make things work and reach my targets, despite the bureaucracy.

Tin is such a big help! I would have aged twenty years had she not joined my team.

When I have opened my target branches, that's when I will decide if this is all worth it.

Much ado about donuts

People are really going nuts about this Go Nuts Donuts store at The Fort.

Last night, I was with The Boyfriend's clan (yes, CLAN because there were more than 50 relatives there). We had dinner at Dencio's and I played with the cute nephew at the mini golf course at Par 43.

Aaron, The Boyfriend's brother, went with me to the donut store because I wanted to buy and taste the very much fussed and raved about donuts. There was a loooooooooong line for it, alright. Like if Aaron and I even dared to line up as well, we would probably be the 107th.

Oh well - I'd rather play with the cute nephew so I turned back. Forget it.

But I am still very much intrigued. What's up with the long line, man?!?

So when The Boyfriend found out about it, he said he's going to get me for Valentine's, though we don't celebrate it. Pipila na lang daw sha, madaling araw pa lang para una kami. Aaaaaaw.

If anyone has tasted the donuts at Go Nuts Donuts, can you please tell me why people are crazy about it? Or is this just another Zagu phenomenon?

Today's learnings

1. Bring retainer kit so retainer won't get lost. Yes, I lost it again for the second time - all in a month's time. Darn!

2. When you can't say anything good, just shut the hell up.

3. Sometimes, there are things that will NEVER have closure. You just have to close it yourself. Let things be.

4. When you despise someone, you don't even have to concoct evil plans in your convoluted mind. Fate has its own way of balancing things out. Pare, what goes around comes around.

5. It's possible to hate and like someone at the same time.

6. In the same manner, it is possible to love someone you don't even like.

7. You don't have to go the extra mile to prove to someone you are nice. If you really are, people would know, they would notice.

8. Sometimes we try too hard to be nice to people who don't even matter and take those who are really significant to us for granted.

9. Lesbian politics is something that chauvinistic men will NEVER understand. There's no use explaining or justifying it.

Happy weekend, shiny happy people!

Happy ending

Despite all the stress at work, I think this week is gonna turn out fine. Whether I will be staying or not is still pretty much unclear. But of course, I am preparing my logistics already.

Tomorrow - Saturday afternoon - I will spend it car-shopping. Yep, you read it right. This is probably my 2nd big purchase as an adult, next to the apartment and all the expenses I incurred to furnish it.

I'll take things one day at a time. Ang dami ko ngang branded beauty products at nagtatrabaho nga ako for a famous brand of cosmetics, puro wrinkles at eyebags naman ako sa ka-imbiyernahan.

Duh - there's gotta be more to my life than this!

Don't make me

Today, I activated my online job file.

And today, I am almost at the end of my rope already.

Everyday, the bosses are changing the system, terms and conditions. Ako at si Tin ang nawawalan ng mukhang ihaharap sa klieyente. Nasa basurahan na ang kredibilidad at integridad namin pareho.

I've never done it before - walk away from a job without other options.

Oh, well - there's a first time for everything.

Sana lang wag na kong mapikon nang tuluyan. Baka bigla ko na lang iwanan lahat ng gagawin dito at hindi na bumalik ulit sa sobrang kabuwisitan.

How do you calm an angry person again? Count 1-10?

1...2...3...

Chat Buddy

When we chatted this afternoon:

The Buddy: Oh before I forget, napanaginipan kita kagabi.

Me: Oh no. Anong sabi ng dream?

The Buddy: Nako very vivid.

Me: Like how vivid? Kwento.

The Buddy: You were wearin a plain white shirt with khaki pants. Sneakers ... you know .... the plain 'ol simple look.

Me: Hahaha - dream on, Dude. Panaginip nga yan.

The Buddy : We were in a room. I had my back against the window.

Me: Uuuuuuuuy - what did u do to me in the room? Excitiiiiiiiiiing.

The Buddy: And you were in front of me ... reaching over to close the blinds behind me.

Me: And ...

The Buddy: Tangina nagising na ko eh.

Me: Pucha - patawang kwento pala to eh.

The Buddy: But it really was like that.

Me: Nyeeeh - ano implication non?

The Buddy: Before that we were walking in the hallway ... i forgot how we ended up in that room ... you were trying to hide or something.


Walang-wala. Pati sa panaginip, bitin ang lahat.

Some things aren't really meant to be.

Dark justice

Hindi na nga kita sinisingil, tinawaran mo pa ang pagkatao ko.

Dude, you are in complete breach.

We operated on the basis of friendship, you cheating, lying, manipulative lecher.

You offended my sensibilities - as a woman, as a person.

Lonely planet

Important moral lessons of the weekend:

Sometimes, the more we surround ourselves with people and the more we immerse ourselves with temporary highs, the sadder and the emptier we feel.

The higher the apex of the temporary high, the lower we feel when the hit subsides.

Unexpected, awkward

You never go to my turf. If you do, it's once in a blue moon.

Today was unexpected and I was totally taken by surprise.

Ignoring you was the best possible recourse. I'm just not sure though, if I got away with it.

Ano ang saysay?

Tintin and I were able to close two deals that will enable us to open two more branches in the provinces. So we were both happy that we are reaching our targets and we have a lot of hot leads coming in.

Here's the catch:

Now that two of our vendors are ready, willing and able to open two branches, we have no carts, kiosks and fixtures. We are also suffering from delays in the release of marketing collaterals and even the release of products.

Ang ganda no? They will stress you out to reach your targets but they will not keep their part of the bargain. And to think they want us to open 50 in a year!

Gan-duh!

Spotted

The Brother...

has a more defined character.

He is more reserved. He has this wall - this distance - when dealing with people.

More mysterious. A lot more interesting.

Hanggang sa muli

Last Friday, I saw my ABS-CBN friends. We had a dinner reunion at El Pueblo. I think everyone was very glad that we had a very high turnout that time. Some friends came with their – aherm – better halves.

After dinner, some friends – Romy, Dan, Riz, Karish and I – went to Malate to have a few drinks. Romy took us to this club with stand-up shows. We had so much fun with the okrayans, the gay talk and the profanities!

It feels good to see old faces, old friends.

Sa uulitin.

Like after a year? Hahaha.

Romy and I want to go clubbing. Sama kayo, ha? Sige na, Jovan.


A possible rendezvous

Speaking of reunions, I spoke to The Buddy. He is flying to Germany in April for his training. He was sworn in last Friday.

Since he will be in Europe for the next two years, he is tempted to go back to Manila in March. I’m kinda egging him on to go. I know he needs that break and he would definitely miss Manila!

Admittedly, I also have a vested interested in that. I need to see him again before that 2-year hibernation in Europe. He was actually teasing me – what’s in it for him if he goes back here to meet up? Ha-ha.

He knows about The Archer and warns me to be cautious. Call it guy instinct – but he feels it’s some sort of seduction ploy and tells me to wait for the right temptation instead – alluding of course to the possible March get-together.

Coward me – refused and said “Let’s not.” Aaaaaaaaaarg. Minsan talaga mahirap gawin ang tama.

I told him not to even attempt – I would find it hard to refuse – to be very honest about it.

Parang mahirap ‘to ah. When he sent me his pictures in Venice, he looked really good. Yummy-licious, said a gay friend.

Nararamdaman ko na kahit anong closure ang hanapin namin pareho, buong buhay na yata kaming magkakabitinan. Dapat ngang makuntento na maging magkaibigan na lang.

Surreal

We met in September.

To clarify and set things in their proper perspective, the question to ask is:

Was there an initial romantic or physical attraction?

There was none.

At the onset, I already made it clear that I am with someone. To me, it was clear that he is an Untouchable.

We became friends, without the knowledge of most people around us. The friendship was a conscious social contract between the two of us, knowing that it will require a deliberate effort to remain in touch. We had minimal common friends – very surprising with both our vast network of friends and social circles.

This much I can say – he initiated the social contract. My acceptance was an unambiguous sign of willingness.

What transpired from then and now is a discovery of overlapping traits and characteristics, despite the major differences in backgrounds.

Both with warm, pleasant and friendly personas, we were drawn to each other. There was a mutual interest to realize what other common grounds we could uncover.

We rarely see each other. Circumstances and social decorum did not allow it.

On a fateful Sunday night, however, he initiated the next encounter.

The Archer whisked me away to the suburb.

The speed, the unforeseen events, the spontaneity were all blinding and intoxicating.

Am I referring to incidents with sexual undertones?

NO.

First of, The Archer is a good person with good intentions. I, on the other hand, have absolutely no romantic illusions about what we have. Nor will we ever see each other in that light.

It was nothing extraordinary, really. I have gone out of town with friends in the past. What’s different now is the fact that at that time, no one knew where we both were, who we’re with. Add to this the taboo of being seen together.

It was like having an illicit affair when there was none. There was danger. There was the excitement of sharing what seemed like a deep, not-so-dark secret.

As if this isn’t treacherous enough, on our way to our destination, we almost collided with a vehicle and the car was swept off a dark dirt road.

We were both speechless for a while. My hands were cold and shaking.

Although this is really going overboard and perhaps brought about by the adrenaline rush, at that time I was thinking, we could have gotten hurt – no, we could have died – without the knowledge of our families and friends.

After we regained our composure, we were laughing and making fun of what happened, though we both know we could have been in serious trouble if the car actually crashed.

The rest of the night was smooth as compared to that. It was mostly a discovery of ourselves, of who The Archer is, of who I am.

Again, there was a renewal of social contract – that we are friends, that we are safe with each other.

It was the scariest, most dangerous experience that will remain on top of my list for a long time.

Now that I am more cerebral about it, I am realizing why and how things happened the way they did.

It was an escape from both the realities we live in. We shared an affinity for each other in a way that we share an affinity for danger and disobedience.

Perhaps we both felt that our lives compelled us to follow stringent rules and norms. Within our core are free spirits that needed to be tamed to perform our daily duties and obligations.

At that time, we found ourselves – two souls – who wanted some liberty without the judging eyes and socially-imposed rules of what ought to be.

I don’t thirst for this everyday. Most, if not all, of my waking hours, I am just what people define as normal and average.

It was just another journey to self-discovery where I realized which dichotomies in myself that I have to reconcile.

Now, it’s time to go back to being normal again.

2003 pa rin

Here’s another way to be nostalgic about 2003. ‘Seems like I’m not over last year yet. Well, not really. It’s just that I haven’t spent enough time evaluating what I did and didn’t do in the year that passed.

A friend forwarded me this and I’m posting my answers here.

1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?

Become independent by renting my own apartment.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Most of it. But I gotta stop smoking!

Yes, the plans I outlined in my previous blog would be my new year’s resolution.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes, my college best friend.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No. Whew.

5. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?

A more defined and solid character. But I think I’m getting there.

6. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Dates. April 21 – The Buddy left for the States for a 2-month break.
December 28 – just take my word that it will remain etched in my memory.

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

To rent my own apartment and move out when the redundancy/retrenchment was happening and to get a middle managerial job.

8. What was your biggest failure?

To get out of a vicious cycle.

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Cough, cold, fever.

10. What was the best thing you bought?

My laptop.

11. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Almost everyone.

12. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

FPJ. Panfilo Lacson.

13. Where did most of your money go?

Stuff for my apartment, clothes, shoes.

14. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Events that I did not foresee or plan but happened.

15. What song/album will always remind you of 2003?

OHSI’s 2003 CD compilation.

16. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder?

Both.

17. Thinner or Fatter?

Fatter. Shit.

18. Richer or poorer?

Pareho lang but I feel richer because of my accomplishments.

19. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Spend more time with my Grandmother. Sleep and rest. Work out.

20. What do you wish you'd done less of?

I think I partied too much but I don’t regret I did so.

21. Did you fall in love in 2003?

Yes.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Lots! Sex and the City still tops my list. Ally McBeal, Will and Grace, Dharma and Greg, Just Shoot Me, Two Guys and a Girl.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No, not my style to harbor grudges/ill fillings against anyone.

24. What was the best book you read?

Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

India Arie.

26. What did you want and get?

Dami! My apartment. Friends. Love. Seduction. Job. School.

27. What did you want and not get?

Dami rin. Sleep. Rest. Love. Books. Time.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions – kahit na the ending sucked!

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Review for my finals, 26.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

I’ve always been grateful with what God gives me. If He didn’t give me something, he must have a good reason why.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?

Still unconventional, but more restrained because of the nature of my job.

32. What kept you sane?

Not what, but who. God. My Mother. Myself. But almost all the time, God.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I had to think hard – parang wala.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Two political issues: the US-Iraq war and FPJ running for president.

35. Who did you miss?

Dami. My Grandma, my Mom, The Buddy. OHSI. Web.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Not the best new person but a rediscovery – my former CEO. He became a good friend.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003:

The best and most successful people are the ones who know how to balance being cerebral and being emotional.

Whatever trials and tribulations life would bring me, God is my pillar of strength.